FireFighter84 Posted August 1, 2008 Share Posted August 1, 2008 Hi, A time ago my gf and male friend were having alot of contact through msn and sms. This was at first no problem at all but after a while they had alot of contact and they started to have feelings for eachother without my knowledge. They both have been hiding this for me. They didnt meet ( as far as I know) so I think I shoudnt see this as cheating ? When my gf told me about this issue when we had some other probs I got very upset/sad about it and have forbid her to have any contact with him. I also dont consider my male friend as a friend anymore becouse if it were up to him, I would never find out anyways. Now, this is about a month ago and I'm pretty sure she didnt reply anything towards him through msn and sms. I know my old male friend still has feelings for her and my gf claims she doesnt have alot feelings anymore. But I can see she feels the urge to talk to him again. Should I make her happy again by enabling contact again and have hope again.. I dont want to forbid her anything, but on the onder hand I'm affraid she would again generate feelings towards him. What should I do ? Link to comment
jettison Posted August 1, 2008 Share Posted August 1, 2008 Your first inclination seems to make sense on the surface, but your instincts are wrong. In this situation, you do the opposite. You encourage them. You say, "I think I should step aside so you two can explore what you have together." I know that sounds insane at first, but it's the only choise for very good reasons. As we all know, when it comes to our sexuality, the most forbidden fruit is often the most enticing, impossible to ignore. That's what your GF and your former friend are to each other. "Oh my God, I know it's soooo wrong. I can't believe we're even entertaining this. I could never. I could just never sleep with you. No, I wouldn't! I shouldn't, right? I mean, tell me how bad it is that I can't stop dreaming about you?" You get the hint. Your station as her boyfriend is actually a catalyst for their fantasy tryst, not a detriment. Minus you, the odds of these two developing something together are close to nill. With you, the "It's so wrong" component, their chances to makes something happen increase 20 fold. So, when presented with this circumstance, the answer is simple. You don't just give them your blessing, you actually encourage it. "Sweetheart, I can understand. He's a great guy, and I can tell he likes you. Maybe you'd be much better off with him then with me. I think you should go sleep with him and see what happens. In the meantime, consider us broken up. While you're figuring this out, I have to contemplate whether I'd be able to continue seriously dating someone that would sleep with my best friend." I know how hard of a speech that seems to produce, but that's my recommendation. Link to comment
Mutley Posted August 1, 2008 Share Posted August 1, 2008 First of all that WAS cheating....it was emotional cheating. Secondly, she's going to go to him if she wants to whether you "forbid" it or not. I would question her loyalty. Can't be in a relationship with someone with a divided heart....that will make you insane. Link to comment
FireFighter84 Posted August 1, 2008 Author Share Posted August 1, 2008 yes she really feels the urge to talk to him and she is having a hard time with it. This is insine I would allow this but your theory about the forbidden fruit is true I guess... Link to comment
Lionel Hutz Posted August 1, 2008 Share Posted August 1, 2008 I agree with Jettison. Though it sounds illogical, she will wonder why she is of no value to you anymore, and try ever so hard to feel valuable in your eyes again. What you are doing is eliminating the danger and making it a kiddie ride for her. It will bore her, and you will also see how faithful she is. Let them talk/flirt. Your friend will be exposed as a disloyal dirtbag and your girlfriends loyalty will be truly put to the test. Link to comment
Scorpion Fury Posted August 1, 2008 Share Posted August 1, 2008 Negative ghostrider. I think if she had any respect for your relationship, she'd end contact on ehr own without you even having to put your foot down. Link to comment
FireFighter84 Posted August 2, 2008 Author Share Posted August 2, 2008 I just allowed her to have contact with him again. She's gonna visit him at home tomorrow. Following this advice. How should I behave ? Acting more distantly or keep showing all my love to her ? Or should I just wait and see how things evolve ? Link to comment
FireFighter84 Posted August 2, 2008 Author Share Posted August 2, 2008 Maybe I should hang out more with my female friends ? Would that help ? Link to comment
SmittyGirl98 Posted August 2, 2008 Share Posted August 2, 2008 there is maybe one or two of my boyfriends friends that I have a tiny "Crush" on just cuz sometimes I think ooh well that was cute. but thats as far as it goes. I most DEFINANTLY would not be texting one of those guys if I knew I had a thing for one of em. I dont even text my bf's friends unless its their birthday or something. my guy would flip if I Was textin his friends. they are HIS friends. Link to comment
orangesoda Posted August 4, 2008 Share Posted August 4, 2008 i think you should dump your gf. find someone that doesn't screw around on you behind your back, with one of your friends. and seriously, you said it's okay for her to contact him, and now she's GOING TO VISIT HIS HOME IN PERSON? what the f_ck? Link to comment
FireFighter84 Posted August 5, 2008 Author Share Posted August 5, 2008 yes I had no other choice then to allow contact again: he is constant sending sms to her and acting pathetic. She felt bad for him and wanted to see him to see if he's okay. She said she started to get more feelings again by talking to him. I know she loves me alot and so do I. I dont really want to break up (I still love her): What should I do ? 1) Saying she should stop contact again right NOW 2) Not seeing her (but contact allowed) 3) Having no contact until she figures out.. 4) Temporary break up until she figures out 5) Dump her (although I dont really want to) Anyone ? Or other options ? Link to comment
FireFighter84 Posted August 6, 2008 Author Share Posted August 6, 2008 what to do. I'm seeing her tonight to talk. I'm going insane Link to comment
Scorpion Fury Posted August 6, 2008 Share Posted August 6, 2008 Don't be a doormat. She started to get feelings again after talking to him? Ninja please. What BS. Do you honestly want to be with someone who can't give you their whole heart? Do you want to share it with someone that was supposed to be your friend? Of course not. It's pathetic. Like I said before, if she was really interested in saving this relationship, she would have stopped contact with him on her own. If you are interested in saving it, you need to put your foot down and give an ultimatum. I can't believe what utter lack of respect for your relationship this girl has by continuing contact with someone she had an emotional affair with. If she's not willing to stop talking to him, I don't see how you can continue the relationship. And even if she says she won't anymore, can you trust her not to or do you think she will do it and just sneak around? Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted August 6, 2008 Share Posted August 6, 2008 what to do. I'm seeing her tonight to talk. I'm going insane Well, you can see her tonight, which will assure her that you're her back-up plan, in case this new guy doesn't work out. Or......You can respect yourself by giving her your blessings that everything works out well for her and this new guy, that she's developing feelings for. Link to comment
FireFighter84 Posted August 6, 2008 Author Share Posted August 6, 2008 I took ur advice and said"stop contact today or you wont see me anymore". She choosed me over him. She told him its better to have no contact again. I know he will still be trying to have contact with my gf but its up to her to not respond.. She has always been honest so I dont really think she would sneak up. She will be going to a tough time not responding to him now. What can I do to help her over this ? Thanks for the advice so far!!! Link to comment
schizo Posted August 7, 2008 Share Posted August 7, 2008 She will be going to a tough time not responding to him now. What can I do to help her over this ? Thanks for the advice so far!!! I don't see why this girl feels the need to keep in contact with this guy. Why is it so hard for her not to talk to him? If she is serious about this relationship, she would just forget about him, no problem. It sounds to me like she's not really sure about being with you. Maybe you should talk to your old friend and let him know he's heading for an ass beating. lol! Link to comment
FireFighter84 Posted August 7, 2008 Author Share Posted August 7, 2008 I don't see why this girl feels the need to keep in contact with this guy. Why is it so hard for her not to talk to him? If she is serious about this relationship, she would just forget about him, no problem. It sounds to me like she's not really sure about being with you. Maybe you should talk to your old friend and let him know he's heading for an ass beating. lol! Its becouse they have the same sense of humor and becouse they are both msn addicted and have the same personality... atleast thats what she said.. Maybe ur right, I should give him some punches in the face.. Link to comment
greensleeves Posted August 7, 2008 Share Posted August 7, 2008 I don't think that "forbidding" a partner to do anything is good for a relationship. I think the best advice you've received on this thread is from Jettison. And the friend? Dump him. Link to comment
FireFighter84 Posted August 7, 2008 Author Share Posted August 7, 2008 She stopted contact with him (hope I can trust her) , but he is not giving up with texting her.. My grandfathers funeral was today.. Is it normal she's only texting and doing msn instead of calling or visiting me today. She says her parents wont like it today. She is going to visit me tomorrow. We live 10min from eachother. So close... yet so far . She's always complaining she has a hard time.. what about me ? All I get is msn msn msn and a weekend visit when she wants it. She always says she loves me but is it me or is there no proof of her love pfffffffffff Link to comment
FireFighter84 Posted August 7, 2008 Author Share Posted August 7, 2008 whats wrong with me pfff. I'm reading this forum and over for replies... Link to comment
FireFighter84 Posted August 7, 2008 Author Share Posted August 7, 2008 Maybe I should also say no: "No darling today is a hard for me to visit me, let us just stay on msn till next week" pff Link to comment
greensleeves Posted August 7, 2008 Share Posted August 7, 2008 I still think you should follow Jettison's advice...you deserve much better treatment than you're getting from her (and from your friend). Keeping things to just msn for awhile might also be good, but let her know that you're not going to sit on the sidelines waiting for her while she figures this out. Get out there, have some fun, and maybe go on a few dates. I wonder how she's feel then? Link to comment
FireFighter84 Posted August 9, 2008 Author Share Posted August 9, 2008 I still think you should follow Jettison's advice...you deserve much better treatment than you're getting from her (and from your friend). Keeping things to just msn for awhile might also be good, but let her know that you're not going to sit on the sidelines waiting for her while she figures this out. Get out there, have some fun, and maybe go on a few dates. I wonder how she's feel then? I just tried that (except for breaking up) : She is not contacting him, he on the other hand is still trying. Now yesterday we would see eachother again and she said she was to tired to go out. Honestly I think that she just didnt want too. So what did I do ? I went out with some girls for some fun.. But apparently she didnt liked that either: I didnt get a sleep tight sms... Why should she behave like this ? After all.. I asked her first :s Link to comment
FireFighter84 Posted August 10, 2008 Author Share Posted August 10, 2008 She was acting distantly and she lied about blocking him on msn (I figured out). I was SICK of it, told her I would break up becouse she is showing no effort at all. She started crying. I told her I wasnt interested anymore in having contact with her until she decides: break up or doing effort. She didnt saw it coming and suddenly wasnt cold anymore I wonder what her choice will be and in what time she will decide that ? In the mean time I'm gonna try to not contact her at all and to expand my female friends group... . It's the last option I suppose... Link to comment
FireFighter84 Posted August 11, 2008 Author Share Posted August 11, 2008 The silence is killing me (and probably her too).. when shes figuring this out... Must hang on..must hang on.. Link to comment
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