Effect of death on relationships

[Dani0613]

Is it possible to become numb to other relationships when suffering the loss of a loved one? My gf and I recently broke up because she's told me that she's no longer in love and that her feelings have changed. I can tell you that our relationship really was great until her father passed away in April. It was at that point that SHE really 'changed'. I can't really explain it, but it's as if she's just 'checked out'.

 

His death was something that was definitely not expected. Rather than confront them, she suppresses a lot of her emotions and I'm fearful that she's allowing this loss to interfere with her judgement of our relationship.

 

As of now, I've decided to really step back and have no contact so that she can do what she needs to for herself. I'm hoping she goes to counseling because she had mentioned wanting to pursue it.

[LanceVanceDance]

Unfortunately I think the answer to your question is yes. One of my long-term relationships soured and eventually ended after my gf lost someone close. Even though she gave me other reasons, I could tell there was a "before" and an "after" the traumatic event, and it was never the same afterwards. Hope it works out better for you than it did for me at the time, but be warned it's not going to be easy.

[Dani0613]

My girlfriend has told me that she doesnt want to be in love with anyone. I hope that she gets the counseling she needs because I KNOW we're right together. It's unfortunate that this experienced has caused her to end what we have.

[GEMMACHURCH]

Hi There,

 

Sorry to hear about your experience.

I remember when an ex of mines family died, he became really distant and I was so hard because I didn’t know how to deal with the situation and wanted him to open up when he seemed to be shutting down. A friend told me to just be there for him, be patient and he would come round. Which he did, I think it just takes time.

 

However, this then happened to me the other way round. When I lost my Grandad, I felt differently about life and ended the relationship I was in. This was different for me as I was in a controlling unhealthy relationship, that I needed to be out of. But I can compare in the way that it made me think how short life is and I felt unsettled about everything.

 

I think you are definitely doing the best thing, I hope that you feel better about things.

[Dani0613]

Thank you, I truly appreciate this. It's been hard and as much as I want to be there for her, she's closed down. So, as of right now, we are NOT together. I feel like I'm suffering from a death as well given how valuable our relationship was/is. She has to go thru this on her own and it was HER decision to end things because she doesn't 'feel' anything any longer. I have to believe that if we are to be together, it will happen in time. But, I can't put my life on hold.

[Up and Down]

Unfortunately I think the answer to your question is yes. One of my long-term relationships soured and eventually ended after my gf lost someone close. Even though she gave me other reasons, I could tell there was a "before" and an "after" the traumatic event, and it was never the same afterwards. Hope it works out better for you than it did for me at the time, but be warned it's not going to be easy.

 

Same thing here...it was like a switch was flipped.

 

In any case you should look up depression fall out. Often times these people don't recognize the emotional changes they are going through with respect to the other aspects/persons in their lives.

 

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[Dani0613]

See now, I suggested she was depressed but she insists that's not the case. I know she's not moping around and that she's still doing things she used to. Perhaps, the effects of depression manifests themselves differently on people. I can tell you that when I would be in contact with her (recently), she would always find something to snip at me for. That's really not like her.

[Up and Down]

See now, I suggested she was depressed but she insists that's not the case. I know she's not moping around and that she's still doing things she used to. Perhaps, the effects of depression manifests themselves differently on people. I can tell you that when I would be in contact with her (recently), she would always find something to snip at me for. That's really not like her.

 

 

Denial can be part of depression fallout. Unfortunately any attempt you make to point this out will probably be turned against you.

 

She has to come to this conclusion herself or with the help of a therapist.

 

Sorry you are going through this, it's hard to watch someone you love so much just change personalities and act like you are the problem (or at least part of it).

[Dani0613]

Yes, it is. BUT, I take solace in knowing that I did nothing wrong. Should she go for the therapy that she needs, perhaps, in time, she'll be able to reflect on this situation with more clarity and sound judgement. Having to let go right now is still very hard. Our relationship was GREAT. She is only 24 too, so I'm sure her age plays a part in all of this.

[AtMyWitsEnd]

Yes, it is. BUT, I take solace in knowing that I did nothing wrong. Should she go for the therapy that she needs, perhaps, in time, she'll be able to reflect on this situation with more clarity and sound judgement. Having to let go right now is still very hard. Our relationship was GREAT. She is only 24 too, so I'm sure her age plays a part in all of this.

 

If you love her, don't give up on her. If you feel like it really is just part of her own personal protection during grieving, try to be understanding of that.

 

And really look back at how you were when it all went down--were you the person she needed you to be when that happened? Or were you at a loss for what to do? She may feel as though you let her down. She may just be severing relationships to avoid future heartbreak like she just suffered with the loss of her father. More than likely her leaving is directly connected to what she went through.

[Dani0613]

Honestly, I really was there for her through everything. She has even told me that I couldn't have been any more supportive than I was. She has also voiced that it was HER choice to go thru this without me. I took every step I should have with her; I offered her a shoulder to cry on when she needed it and I gave her the space she wanted when she asked for it. She has gone thru a lot and she's even said 'How much more do I need to go thru at my age?' She doesn't deal with things and suppresses a lot of her emotions. If this is her way of dealing with it at the moment, then I have to believe in my heart when she's had time to focus on herself and do what she needs to in order to heal, that we can form some sort of relationship; whether it be friendship or otherwise. At this point, however, it's best for the both of us that we're not in contact. It's too straining for me and she's definitely not in an emotional state where she can be the friend that I would want and need anyway. When she suggested being friends she said that she wanted that, but that she couldn't be so close to me. Friends don't put restrictions on the friendship. I'm giving her the freedom to do what she wants and I'm taking the time to get myself 'back to good'.

[thejigsup]

It can work both ways. I have had people shut down on me, but not for long. Mostly, it has made the relationship closer, more supportive and intimate. My bf's mother died recently, along with one of our cats, and we kind of joined ranks and faced things together. Death is a part of life and it helps to have the love and support of your partner. I don't agree with what she did at all, she should be reaching out to you, not drawing away.

[Dani0613]

Yes, she should be relying on me. But, I've learned that not everyone reacts to things in the same manner. Her way of dealing with things is to withdraw; at least from me. All I know is that I can't have contact with her, it's too painful for me and it's very obvious that she's 'changed'. She went from being the most loving person to being so, well, angry. She would snap at me for things that really never warranted it. Funny though, I don't know that her friendships have suffered as a result of this. Though, I could be wrong.

[Dani0613]

I'm really stuck between a rock and hard place with this situation. While I am angry with the WAY she's handeling things, a part of me is sympathetic because I truly feel that his death was the catalyst for her 'change' in emotions. She's asked to be friends and I said that I couldn't. Do I just put time between us? Or, do I attempt to be her friend? I KNOW how she is and I'm almost certain she's repressing her grief, which is resulting in negative reactions. I don't know how it's affecting her other relationships, I can only speak for what it's done to ours.

 

What do I do?? She said that she understands why I can't be friends but said she wants to be able to communicate enough so I can see our dogs (she has them). I told her I need time. I love the dogs, but I dont want the dogs to be a reason for her to have contact with me. I just dont know what to do...

[thejigsup]

You're correct about people handling grief differently. I still don't think she is behaving in a very mature manner. I would not let her see the dogs. I wouldn't feed her selfishness. Some people use a death in the family as an excuse to take their frustrations out on others. That is not a game you should help her play, it isn't healthy for either of you. Tell her you will be there as her bf if she needs you, and if she doesn't, you are moving on. Then do it.