something i can't give her

[Neverthehero]

This is a long and convoluted story, but I will try and make it as clear as possible for everyone. I feel as if i don't put this out there with the potential of at least one person seeing this, i won't be able to relax. Anyway,

 

where to start? I guess, It had been nearly three months since i started going out with a friend of mine. Truth is, she'd been my friend since elementary school all the way up through High school. The coming year will be our last.

 

Back in May we decided to be together, or at least try it, though we didn't tell anyone about our relationship. Everything had been going Amazingly and everything brought me joy, even when i wasn't with her, i was in a euphoric state. A few days ago though, everything too a terrible turn. It first started when she told me I bored her, not romantically, but just when we were unable to be more intimate, such as at her house, or just sometimes when we talked. I told her to give it a bit and see if the feeling went away.

 

The next day though, she decided to break up with me, because she wanted to go back to the way things were before we were so close. She felt it was here fault that she couldn't make me laugh or smile and wanted to be able to again in a way that did not feel obligated because of our relationship. She also felt that she had let me down as a girlfriend and as a friend.

 

But there was also another part to this (and here is where it starts to get a little confusing) There was also another boy that she liked while we were together, it had been her Ex. they still talked and were friends but she couldn't forget how she felt for him, and that drove her mad because she genuinely loved me, but still had feelings for him. (just as a side not, as as strange as this may sound, she told me I was the one who made her human, because before our relationship she only thought as that kind of love as a farce, so through the love that I'd given her she said she'd felt more alive. She had also told me that I meant the world to her for it, and another reason why it hurt so much).

 

That night i sneaked over to her house to see how she was doing. She immediately began crying in my arms, apologizing for hurting me so much, but I tried to calm her by blaming myself, though she wouldn't let me. We walked for a bit but things only became worse, by the time we stopped in front of her house again, I had burst into tears, afraid of being alone again. She'd promised me she would never let me be alone and walked me home.

 

The next day we saw each other again, and attempted to organize everything. I decided to let her go, and to be her friend, so that she could try and be with the other boy and so that she could be happy. I had to convince here that this would make me happy, and i told her i wanted her happiness over mine. We decided on that and thought that would be it. Anyway that night we were IMing, and she'd begun to feel terrible again, and though that i was feeling worse, so she decided to see me despite my wishes for her to stay home. that night we sat on my porch, she attempted to make me feel better, but in the end we ended up making out, although we were no longer together, and decided on being more than just friends, even with her new relationship.

 

She came over the next day and we attempted to return to a normal friendship, and we played video games for a while. All had gone well until she decided it she had to go home. being playful as she is though, she threw me on the bed, and i decided to lay there while she walked out house. Instead though she decided to get on top of me. We began making out and from there it turned to sex. This time two days passed, thinking everything had gotten out of our system, and we decided to try and just be friends again. This time though, we ended up going strait to the bed, exchanging the words "I love you" many times over the course of two hours. This was yesterday.

 

Last night, we talked again, and i explained to her how confused I was. The thing is, I love her, so much, but I want her to be happy. to this end i decided to end the relationship and return to being friends (which was more or less impossible) so that she could try having a relationship with the other guy (which at this point she'd become his girlfriend, though we'd already had sex twice in spite of that). Something else happened too -- I had felt numb, completely numb, and it had been there, but just hit me last night. Between then and now, I'd lost my appetite, though i was hungry, and between these last few days and now, nothing's given me the same enjoyment that it used to. The happiness of being with her was still there, but then faded as soon as I'd returned from dropping her at her house. Not even the sensation of being as close to her as during sex lasted. The mornings felt long and getting out of bed was questionable.

 

She's left for a vacation to Florida which will last two weeks starting today, she told me that she'd call when she could, and earlier in the week told me that she wanted to buy me something. But right now, i feel so alone, as much as every other feeling is numbed, if that makes any sense.

 

I really don't know what to do at this point. I want her back but I want her to be as happy as possible, even with this happening. Really sorry this was so long, but I feel like i needed to get that out.

[DN]

Moderator Note

 

Welcome to eNotAlone.

 

I split your posts into paragraphs as long blocks of text are hard to read - this way you may get more responses.

 

Please do that yourself in future.

[Zeitgeist]

The first thing to realize is that words mean very little and promises are close to empty. I'm saying this because you seem to be hanging a lot of hopes on what she said to you and what she promised. Things are said when emotions are running high, but unfortunately they don't carry a lot of weight. You risk putting yourself through a lot of pain when you pay this much attention to the words because then you have expectations. And if and when she fails to live up to those expectations, you then have resentment.

 

Second of all, unfortunately, there's not much for you to do other than give her space. This is probably the most commonly recurrent advice and theme running through this entire site. But it's that common because it's good advice. You need to give her some space to think and for you to get your head screwed on straight. You've said what you've needed to say, you've made love, etc. e.g. Everything that's needed to be said or done has been said or done. Now, she needs to make a choice and a commitment. Just remember, even if she doesn't choose you right now, that's not to say she won't choose you in the future. But only if you give her space. Don't worry about the other guy. Odds are good that that relationship is not nearly as good as you fear it to be.

 

Get your mind off this. Go out and hang out with friends. Force yourself to do this even if you don't want to. Eventually, it'll hurt a little less. And you WILL be able to enjoy yourself again. You need to do this even for the sake of this relationship. Good luck!

[Neverthehero]

Thanks for the replies. i've calmed down a bit though i'm still feeling terrible about the whole ordeal. She's been gone 3 days now with no word from her so I can't help but wonder how she's doing. I did manage to hang ut with some friends though.