Boyfriend is depressed all the time, and it's taking a toll on me.

[SoCalxx]

Sorry, first posted this on my cousin (Ainsliexx)'s username, now I've got my own. Although I didn't realize we both have xx in our name. Don't mean to confuse!

 

Anyways..

 

My boyfriend & I have been dating 1.5 years and are a few thousand miles apart. I live in Southern California, he's in Pennsylvania. I'm 20, third year college student, and he's 26. Because of this obviously, we don't see each other as often as we'd like and at times it gets very difficult.

 

However, it seems like most of the difficulty lies with my boyfriend. He is terrible at coping when we're apart. Awful. He's a pretty intense person in relationships and I think he's literally made me his entire world.

 

He doesn't like going out with friends or family because it interferes with time we could be talking on the phone. He gets in horrible, sad, depressive moods when we go a day or two without really properly talking.

 

I love him to death. He's the most important person in my world. But, I do know the importance of having a life when we're apart. I go out with friends, try to stay busy and happy, and I want him to do the same. I tell him this, and he just takes it to mean that I don't care about him as much, or that I'm perfectly happy on my own without him.

 

We spend a LOT of time apart, and will have to for another year or so. If we want to make it work, he has to learn to cope better. When he's in a sad mood, it brings me down. Being away from me, his family, work and everything else just contributes to his stress and I'd say maybe 5 days out of the week lately, he's been in a very low mood.

 

I feel like a bad girlfriend, but I think our time spent apart is pretty much 90% me trying to cheer him up, and emotionally, it's draining me. I send him letters and cards, videos, etc, whatever I can to make him feel better. And nothing works. And yet when I'm sad, he barely notices. I MISS HIM TOO, but all he can see is his own sadness.

 

I feel like I'm drowning. I want to be there for him, but I don't know how. I'm running out of ways to cheer him up. Tonight, for instance, he was in a very sad mood again because we can't talk this weekend (both busy) and he's just hung up and gone to bed (different time zone) while I'm left awake, crying, because he's so upset and I can't help him.

 

I am so drained.

 

Please help.

[Creative]

I have a feeling that LDR is not the reason why he's depressed. Lets assume you guys get to see each other, I would think he'll still revert back to his depressed self.

I've tried cheering a female friend before for 3 years in high school, and I came to the conclusion that she's not help-able. At the time, I couldn't stop helping her either because it fulfills my need to console people, and as for her... perhaps for emotional dependency. And yes, she definitely drained my energy... almost everyday. You turn on your IM, they start telling you how depressed they are and how everything in life is going badly.............. Actually no, they ask how you're doing, and they look for that chance to talk about how depressed they are.

 

From that experience, I just concluded that some people are happier than others and you can't do anything about it.

[SoCalxx]

His sadness does seem to be really centered on the LDR. He has stress in other areas of his life of course, but is always telling me he can't be truly happy unless I'm there. He says things like "I can't feel full or happy when you're not with me. I feel alone with my friends and family. Just alone when you're not there." Whenever I ask what's wrong, it's always: "I miss you."

 

You're right though, sounds like your female friend. Whenever I ask how he is, it's always the same. He's depressed, he misses me, he feels empty without me, etc.

 

I am his girlfriend and I love him so much. I just want to be there for him and make him happy again. But nothing I do ever seems to work, and I'm running out of energy and ideas. I just feel lost and like a failure as a girlfriend.

[Creative]

But nothing I do ever seems to work, and I'm running out of energy and ideas. I just feel lost and like a failure as a girlfriend.

 

This is how I see it.

 

He needs to learn how to take care of himself. If he needs to be consoled 90% of the time you guys have a conversation, how do you expect him to take care of you? If 90% of the conversation is revolved around his emotion, where did that missing you part come in? Okay, perhaps as he's saying he misses you, you feel needed too. But from your message, when was the last time he really cared about how you're doing in your life as oppose to indulging into himself?

[Barry Allen]

Have you told him that his behaviour is draining you? That if he doesn't go out, get his mind off you, and talk about something other than his depression, you'll start to suffocate in the relationship and he might just lose you forever? Because if you haven't, you should.

 

LDRs are all about communication. It's hard, and the other person may feel they are being put to blame, but if this is going to work, you need to be able to tell him how you're feeling and what's going on inside your head, just as he's been doing. Otherwise it's just a one-sided relationship (his side so far) that has no chance for growth or maturity.

 

On that note, for a twenty-six year-old, your boyfriend sounds pretty immature. He should be the one who is strong and confident, not the one who needs daily counseling from you, of all people. In fact, he may even need a therapist, as he obviously can't deal with this very well.

 

Anyway, just tell him how you feel for once. Interrupt him, be very blunt, and explain to him what you told us here. If you don't, prepare to be a second mother to him for the rest of your days.