First time poster, not first time break up

[Meph]

I suppose I should take comfort in the fact that I'm not all alone, but I sure do feel alone.

 

My problems probably sound a lot like all of your's. And my feelings towards my ex are probably similar to all of your's. I'm sure each of us feels like our love is unique....and in most ways, it is.

 

I recently really ended a relationship that was everything to me. We separated in March, but we've finally ended our lives together recently.

 

And it drove me over the edge.

 

I'm supposed to accept this finality somehow. But I don't know how. It's not what I want. Not at all.

 

I've never really wanted anything good in my life. But this is what I want. I didn't want to be rich, or popular or loved by everyone....I just want to be happy again with her: my "TK". Of course, she's not *my* anything now, but once she was.

 

We faced a lot of hardships together over nearly 5 years. We were inseperable. And now that we made it through all the * * * * that life could throw at us and are successful in our careers and have time and money, all we have is space between us.

 

Maybe her definition of success meant something else? I don't know.

 

I know I'm supposed to be letting her go, and I'm trying. But it's not what I want. I feel cheated by life. I finally found the one, the person that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with....and she's gone.

 

You know the end of the story: she loves me but she's no longer in love with me. We went through too many things together. Always there was love, but just too many individual problems. I made more than my share of mistakes that she paid for. And her mistakes, she doesn't want to forgive herself for, or at least she doesn't seem to want to let me forgive her. She just hides herself from me. But this isn't the only problem, tho in my mind it isn't a problem. I would forgive her anything because it doesn't matter.

 

So maybe we'll be friends. But we'll never be the same. It's something to cherish....but it just isn't what I want. Not at all.

 

How do you let go of LOVE? Isn't it supposed to be something that we fight for to the death? Wasn't that the lesson of the Trojan War? Or at least when are we supposed to stop fighting and stop loving?? When your true love says stop? But I don't want to! I want to kick and scream and fight until I win....and who will I fight? Her? Until she can bare me no more? Until we don't even have a friendship left?

 

This is maddening....this is hell.

 

Why did I even have to love her in the first place? And when I did, why didn't I have the sense to smarten up and let myself love her the way she wanted me to in the beginning? Why is it the best loves are the ones you don't take seriously until it is almost too late? Why is hindsight 20/20? Why can't the answers come before the end?

 

How do I let go? How do I endure the pain and hollow feeling in my chest? How do I stop my heart from feeling love?

[Meph]

It isn't with other people....not right now.

 

I went and spent some time with another girl yesterday, to get out and do something, and ended up sitting on the couch together. I pulled her close and we cuddled....I just wanted to know if it would feel the same or better.

 

I wanted to get the hell out of there. I didn't feel guilty, but it felt wrong. It was uncomfortable. My mind screamed, "I want this to be TK!" and I sat up. I stuck around for another 20 minutes and then I went home. Rode my motorbike for 30 minutes to get home thinking about "TK" the whole way...wishing for genies and demons to exist and give me what I desperately want.

 

Problems with wishes is that they only grant you your happiness. They don't consider what your ex wants. And I don't know what my ex wants from me....if I knew, I would do it. I would grant her wishes to the best of my ability.

[Meph]

No comments? I guess even on here I'm all alone.

[Dani0613]

Believe me, I can relate to what you're enduring at the moment. The sleepless nights, the constant analyses of what went wrong? When? How? The torture both your heart and mind go through with TRYING to accept this loss. You struggle to maintain your composure on the outside, when inside, you've fallen apart at the seems and an empty place remains where your beating heart used to reside.

 

You lay your head on your pillow at night hoping to escape the madness and confusion that plagues your days spent awake, but you find yourself dreaming of what was and awaken to what no longer is, or could be.

 

You tear up old letters, cards, remove pictures that frame your walls and hide every possession that reminds you of 'them'.

 

If I could offer you support, I would. I'm struggling with my break right now as well and its pure hell. My gf has said that she no longer has feelings, she's no longer 'in love' and doesnt want to be in love with anyone. I fear that she's built up this emotional baracade given what she's recently gone thru (her father passed away suddenly 3 months ago) and has locked me out of her heart.

 

If things are meant to be, then they always find a way. It's finding a way to cope with the 'in between' that's difficult and dealing with the fact that time feels like it's standing still when all you want it to do is just elapse.

[istillluvu06]

I always wondered in that saying "If things were meant to be they will be" I don't know anymore.

I sympathize with everyone going through this, It's a horrible experience. And MEPH ur not alone trust me, not in the world and not here on ENA. ***hugs***

[peaceacake]

NOT ALONE!!.. remember that!. I know its hard. VERY VERY hard. I am sort of at the same place as you are. In love with someone who doesn't want to be with me either. Drives you crazy thinking about them. I have a girlfriend who calls me everyday to see how I am doing. What she always says is.. Do you feel even better for one more minute today then you did yesterday. I usually laugh and say.. yes.. ok.. maybe ONE MORE Minute...then she says... well.. its ONE more minute better so that's a good start... maybe tomorrow you can feel better for two minutes...by next week.. you could be up to an hour... Guess what I am trying to say is.. it does get easier.. even if its a minute here and a minute there. So.. you are making progress.. just baby steps. Hang in there. Its always darkest before the dawn.