Still miss her so long after the breakup

[byates5637]

It's been so long and the pain and loneliness won't go away.

 

I dated this girl for about 4 years. I was her first and only love. There were several (short lived) breakups during the four years. Sometimes I dumped her, sometimes she dumped me. Then she moved to the other side of the country for school 2 years ago. This made everything extra tough. Last may (2007) was the final breakup. We spent some time in NC, and then we started talking on the phone again. We started talking everyday. She came home in March and I spent three days with her. I felt like we were going to get back together again, but it ended with her telling me she wasn't interested and leaving my house at 1 in the morning. She kissed me on the way out. ??

 

I haven't spoken to her since then. It hurt like crazy at first, but I did everything I could to distract myself. For a couple months I didn't think about her very much at all. Now for this past week I find myself thinking about her constantly, even dreaming about her. She was everything I wanted, and I want her back so much. It has now been over a year since we broke up... why won't this pain go away?

 

To make things more confusing, she has not slept with anyone or dated anyone since the breakup. I don't know why...she is very social and good looking. She is going to be finishing school in a few months and possibly moving back to the area I live in. It makes me keep clinging on to hope that we will have a future together. I wish I could just let it go....

 

 

sigh

[Zeitgeist]

To make things more confusing, she has not slept with anyone or dated anyone since the breakup.

With all due respect, you don't know this for sure.

 

She is going to be finishing school in a few months and possibly moving back to the area I live in. It makes me keep clinging on to hope that we will have a future together. I wish I could just let it go....

You CAN let it go. You just have to make a conscious choice to do so. It won't feel better right away and it'll take time, but you CAN let it go. Start with NC and it sounds like you have. Remind yourself that you are letting her go because you love her and because of that, you want to give her the space she needs to figure out what she wants to be happy.

[spazmy]

Yeah. Take it one day at a time. You'll get past this. Stay strong.

[byates5637]

With all due respect, you don't know this for sure.

 

Yes I do... I'm not proud about how I found this out. But I know it for sure.

 

You CAN let it go. You just have to make a conscious choice to do so. It won't feel better right away and it'll take time, but you CAN let it go. Start with NC and it sounds like you have. Remind yourself that you are letting her go because you love her and because of that, you want to give her the space she needs to figure out what she wants to be happy.

 

I hope you're right. I haven't talked to her in 5 months now. At first it was easy. Now that some time has gone by it has actually gotten harder. I have been very tempted to call her lately. I don't think I will call her...but knowing her I think she will call me sometime in the not so distant future. I don't think I will have the strength to ignore her call.

 

You are right that I have to give her space though. thanks for the reply.

[spazmy]

Zeitgeist is right. Emotions and feelings are tricky things. When we are together with somebody, then we are more in a position to affect how to take the relationship forward through carefully considered actions and thoughts. But when we are apart, then anything one does amounts to manipulation. No matter what you say and do, if somebody is going through their own journey, you will be better off not interfering when you are not committed. Wait and watch, not only her, but also yourself. As time passes, the one thing you will learn is how unhealthy it is to give so much power to another person over oneself. If the other person is reciprocating, then it is fine. Anything less than that, and you mostly walking on eggshells.

 

Let her be. Let her do the contacting. In the meanwhile, move on with your own life buddy. There are too many things to do.

 

Enjoy the single time -- travel, see places and meet new people. Even if she were to eventually come back, these days will never come back. Learn more about yourself absolutely independent of her.

 

hang in there

[byates5637]

Awesome post-you're exactly right. I already kind of knew this, but I had to hear it from someone else I guess.

Thanks