Why does he do this?

[elizmdavis]

I've been with my bf for 3 years. We are making plans for the future, but no engagement yet. So far we are planning things like this: he graduates, we get married, he goes to med school, I do my thing as I help him through it. I'm personally trying to find my own balance before comnmiting to this, it's been a struggle.

 

However, my reason for posting here is that everytime we have an argument, he says "is this how it's going to be when I am in med school?" "if this is how it's gonna be then I don't know how we'll make it!". He ALWAYS jumps to these conclusions when we argue. Its a big contradiction because whenever I am having reservations about our plans, he says "have faith in me", but then he turns around and makes me doubt that conviction. It's almost his self-fulfilling prophecy when he says these things.

 

Why does he do this? It really hurts.

[Ruede]

I kinda know how he feels in that I know I'm going to be going through a very tough time come September doing grad studies, and having a relationship on top of that is going to be difficult... and I just need my guy to be reasonable... but at the same time, if you have plans to support each other (are you planning to support him financially?) he's being awfully unreasonable by saying those things. You seem to be the one really planning ahead and being practical. And I know what you mean by, it's almost self-fulfilling. Tell him he's being extremely immature.

[PixelPusher]

If he thinks that his responsibility to you and the relationship can slack off just because he is going to be in school, he's incorrect. He still needs to be able to treat you with respect. Expecting you to back down and cater to his every emotional or physical whim JUST because he's in school is absurd.

 

If he can't handle the complications of a respectful relationship AND go to school then he needs to do some serious thinking. I feel like saying "welcome to real life, bud!"

[Beyondthesea]

Honestly, that's really rude of him to say. I feel like he is saying that when med school starts, you'll be doing the relationship work on your own.

 

If it were me, I'd talk to him about him saying inappropriate comments during arguments. You should be trying to resolve the issue at hand, not starting a new one.

[25thfloor]

Next time he says that say 'yes, it will exactly like this until you grow up'!

[elizmdavis]

but at the same time, if you have plans to support each other (are you planning to support him financially?) he's being awfully unreasonable by saying those things. You seem to be the one really planning ahead and being practical. And I know what you mean by, it's almost self-fulfilling. Tell him he's being extremely immature.

 

Yeah, I will be paying the bulk of our bills. I am OK with this because I really believe in his dream and I believe he can do it. Thinking waaay far ahead...it will pat for itself when he is done. But because I am doing this for him...I should be respected.

[elizmdavis]

If he thinks the relationship can slack off just because he is going to be in school, he's incorrect. He still needs to be able to treat you with respect. Expecting you to back down and cater to his every emotional or physical whim JUST because he's in school is absurd.

 

If he can't handle the complications of a respectful relationship AND go to school then he needs to do some serious thinking. I feel like saying "welcome to real life, bud!"

 

I know!!!! It's not going to be as easy as he thinks. He already gets very upset at the fact that we have like one argument every 2 weeks (not kidding). By "angry" I mean he seems to tally them up as if they are punches against us! If the furture really works out according to our plans, it is going to be ridiculously straining on us. Whatever we can do now to help us then would be nice. I think he is being unrealistic

[elizmdavis]

If it were me, I'd talk to him about him saying inappropriate comments during arguments. You should be trying to resolve the issue at hand, not starting a new one.

 

I have and still do...it's in one ear and out the other!

[elizmdavis]

It just sounds like he is beginning to stress out about how hard med school is going to be. It's on his mind so it comes out a lot when you two argue.

 

Yes, I agree. He must have so much going through his head. We both do. On one hand, he is about to commit to years of very hard work in med school and be married on top of that. And I am aboutto commit to supporting him and myself and keep myself happy while he fulfills his dream. No wonder we are both on edge!!!

[BeStrongBeHappy]

How much drama is there in your relationship, and how bad are these arguments?

 

Before even thinking about medical school, you need to decide whether you're really meant to be together, and if you are, then you need to first work on learning how to disagree and negotiate rather than fight and argue. Arguing just builds tension and solves nothing. Minor squirmishes about whose turn it is to do the dishes are very different than major arguments where there are raised voices and threats to leave the relationship.

 

So it could be a problem where you need to learn to negotiate and fight fair, or it could be that you just aren't compatible and need to rethink the whole marriage idea.

 

Medical school, internships and residency are an extremely grueling course that means for the next 7 years you are going to have to make major sacrifices (both of you), and he is probably feeling if you argue this much now, it may be impossible for the next 7 years.

 

And you have to be extremely careful here, because if this is a goal he is determined to accomplish, he may decide he just doesn't need the drama and stress that will interfere with his goal, and break up with you rather than give up that goal.

 

So his 'is this how its going to be for medical school' could have an ominous deeper meaning, where he is asking himself that question, and is not sure if he is willing to put up with it.

 

So exactly what are you arguing about? Sit down with him when you are not angry, and the two of you need to come up with solutions you are both satisfied with to solve the problems, not argue about them. Perhaps commit to 20 minutes a week to sit down and talk about any stress or problems needing resolution, and refuse to argue about it during the rest of the week. Give yourself a time out, and also resolve that you are not allowed to keep arguing about hte same thing over and over without finding a solution. And if a solution doesn't work, take it to the table the next week and finetune it rather than argue about it.

 

You also need to recognize you are going to be alone a lot in the next 7 years, because of the demands of medical school. If you are a very dependent and needy person, then most likely it won't work out and you will break up, unless you make a big effort now to be able to do things on your own, find a career that you enjoy doing, and ways to entertain yourself when he's not around.

 

Some people just aren't suited for marriages to people with careers that require the spouse to sacrifice a lot of time with their partner. If you are just not someone who can do that, then you need to rethink whether this relationship with work for you. Most doctors are gone a lot, and are very invested in their jobs, so if you want a guy who is home all the time, he may not be the one for you.