VtecQueen Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 I've posted on this subject before, my boyfriend and has this "girl friend" and they talk on the phone all the time. I've expressed how much I don't like them talking but that never seems to make him stop talking to her, or make a difference at all. But I'm just so sick of it really. last night I hadn't heard anything from him until I called him at 9pm. Come to find out I didn't hear anything from him because he was on the phone talking to her for an hour. Granted he claims he thought I was in class at the time (even tho I've been done with classes since last thursday) just knowing they were talking for an hour really hurts me. The problem is.....I wouldn't have known he was talking to her if I had not looked at his cell phone bill online. He has now turned it around, being mad at me for looking. I really don't care because I'm so fed up. But my question is....do I deserve to be mad? Or do I deserve him to be mad at me for looking at his bill? What should I do? Link to comment
DN Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 Do you think he has a romantic interest in her or she in him? Link to comment
Rising Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 Deserve? Who knows? The fact is that you are both mad and thereforee have to deal with it as it's hit a nerve on both sides. So how much does he talk to this girl every week on the phone? Couple hours? More? You can pretty much guess what is appropriate and inappropriate. If he wouldn't want you talking to some guy on the phone for the same amount of time then there's an issue. Has he given you other reasons not to trust him? Has he openly lied about any of his talking? Does he try to hide it from you? These are some signs that there might be something fishy going on. Snooping is a sign of distrust. It would make me angry if I were the guy. I can understand both sides here. It's just hard to say who is right and wrong without more information. My advice is to lay it out there. Let him know that the phone calls bother you and that you don't want to control how much he talks to his friends... but that if its a lot and if it interferes with your relationship then it can become a problem. Ask him to consider the reversed circumstances and see how we would feel about that. I'm betting it wouldn't make him so happy. Hopefully he will recognize that and try to compromise with you. As for you, I'd try not to snoop. It can become addictive and your mind can get way ahead of itself. It can break trust and the 'best' thing that would come of it is that you find out he's cheating, which would feel horrible anyways. Keep the lines of communication open and that should be enough. -Rising Link to comment
VtecQueen Posted July 31, 2008 Author Share Posted July 31, 2008 Yes he has openly lied about talking to her. he did it tonight again. He said he was talking to one of his guy friends, but later he admitted to talking to her. Yes he does hide it as well. He can tell me he talked to one of his guy friends, but he never says anything about talking to her. He hasn't done anything else to make me not trust him. I don't think he likes her but I know for a fact she likes him. They never talk less than 30 mins each time (not counting text conversations) and they talk at least 2 days each week. Funny thing is he says she has a boyfriend.....I want to know why doesn't she talk to him. She says my boyfriend and her have a "special friendship". I did wish he could look at it from my point of view, but he always says he doesn't care if I talk to guys lol. It's not in my character to talk to guys while i'm in a committed relationship (3 years so far) I want him to be the only guy I spend my time talking to and I think it's immature to talk to a guy just cuz he's talking to her. If I do talk to a guy it remains internet only no phone calls. He just can't seem to see this from my point a view.....amongst other things as well. I told him he doesn't take my feelings into consideration. Link to comment
isilv3r Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 Have you ever heard their conversations? Do you have any idea what they're talking about for so long? Link to comment
VtecQueen Posted July 31, 2008 Author Share Posted July 31, 2008 Have you ever heard their conversations? Do you have any idea what they're talking about for so long? No I have no clue what they talk about....but I don't think any guy should be talking to any girl for 1-2 hours when he has a girlfriend, even if they are just friends, how could he talk to her for so long every other day. 30 mins here 40 mins there 1 hour here 2 hours (once). It can't be that much to talk about you know? She maybe calling to complain about her boyfriend, but even that shouldn't take 30 mins. Link to comment
legallady1 Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 I have the same problem with my bf talking to a female friend from work alot on the phone and I look at his phone bill online too. What I realized is someone is going to do what they want to do and you can't stop them, so just take everything day by day and just deal with it.. you can't make him not talk to her and he can't tell you who you can't talk to on the phone. Also, you should ask him to change the pw so you can't check his phone bill online because you only got pissed off when you looked at it.. and why didn't you call him earlier? why did you wait for him to call you and get fed up and call him? Link to comment
lady00 Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 I do think it is a red flag that he prioritizes lengthy chats with another woman (and hiding it). Link to comment
DN Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 My daughter has a male friend that she has known since high school. She still talks to him often by phone and they meet for coffee, lunch or dinner. She also has a couple of other male friends. And that is all they are - friends. She treats them exactly the same as she does her female friends (except she didn't invite any of them to be her bridesmaids last year when she was married). My son-in-law has no problem with this - sometimes he is there when they meet but mostly not. And the reason is because he trusts my daughter and accepts the fact that these guys are just her good friends. It's all about trust. It's not about whether it is appropriate, a red flag, jealousy, time with other people etc. It's just about trust. Why does your boyfriend hide the fact he talks to her? Seems obvious to me. Link to comment
VtecQueen Posted July 31, 2008 Author Share Posted July 31, 2008 What seems obvious?? I don't know why he hides it, but the fact that he does, makes my trust in it a little thin. I do trust him, but I dont' trust her. I know she likes him. I've seen her twice, each time he acts as if he doesn't even know her, he doesn't talk to her at all. I find that a bit strange since he talks to her on the phone all the time. I wouldn't mind it much if everything about it didn't seem so strange. I wish he was more open about her to me then I woudlnt' have anything to worry about. He won't explain to me any reason why he can't stop talking to her or why he talks to her. Link to comment
DN Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 He hides it because you give him a hard time over it. Not trusting her is the same as not trusting him. If he is trustworthy he would not cheat on you even if she does ask him to. Link to comment
VtecQueen Posted July 31, 2008 Author Share Posted July 31, 2008 yeah you are right. but why can't he just be up front and honest about it, if he was I would be more understanding towards it. but this hiding it thing works the opposite. I don't talk to any guys and I just thought he could do the same for me. If I knew it was just a friend thing I woudlnt have to feel like I was sharing him. Link to comment
DN Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 If you promised not to give him a hard time perhaps he would promise not to hide it from you. Link to comment
VtecQueen Posted July 31, 2008 Author Share Posted July 31, 2008 I did at one point things were fine, he didn't talk to her, I didn't look at his phone bill. But then when she comes back into the picture talking to him for an hour, it really irritates me. I didn't always give him a hard time about it, but he's always hid it. Link to comment
VtecQueen Posted July 31, 2008 Author Share Posted July 31, 2008 honestly I just don't like them talking period. He has another girl friend and he has taken me to meet her, she is really nice and I like her. They don't talk for 30+ mins either. but this girl is a whole nother story. Why is it so weird. Link to comment
DN Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 Because you don't trust that she is just a friend. Link to comment
VtecQueen Posted July 31, 2008 Author Share Posted July 31, 2008 how can I trust that she is just a friend? I wouldn't talk to any of my guy friends for an hour no matter how cool we were. Especially if I knew my gf didn't like it. I woudln't do anything to jepordize the person i loved. i don't know. he doesn't try to see it from my point of view, why is it right for him to talk to someone for hours at a time, and i'm wrong cuz i don't trust him. Link to comment
petite Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 I do not care what anyone says but if I were to find my boyfriend talking to a girl for 30 mins and longer then I would be so angry words can not explain. 1. Yes, I am a jealous person when it comes to love. He is MINE, and I do not like to share even if it is a friendly 30 min conversation. 2. People can think I'm clingy, needy, weird whatever I could not care less. 3. You have EVERY right to be upset, and even ASK him to stop talking to her for so long, otherwise I'd simply tell him I'm not happy, and If I am not happy I am OUT! My guy and I have an understanding. We have friends of the opposite sex, but there are limits and certainly I would not be okay with him talking to some other girl for an hour especially, twice a week, just as he is NOT okay with my talking to other guys for hours on the phone. I know he has female friends, I know that from time to time they will email him maybe even they might talk on the phone once in a while, have a coffee all in a group of a few friends but I also know he would tell me who the girl is, and what her story is. I would consider it a very big red flag if he was spending 30 mins on the phone to some girl, especially knowing he is not a phone person. Personally, I think you should make it clear that it upsets you, and you don't like it. He can choose you or talking to her. It isn't even a trust thing anymore, it's also respect. If he has no respect for you, then he will continue to speak to her against your wishes, then you need to consider how dedicated if at all he is to you. Link to comment
LYC Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 Even if 2 people trust each other in a relationship doesnt mean you take full advantage of the trust and push it to the limit. They have been together 3 years, if he doesnt respect her wishes about this 'special friend' of his, then he is in the wrong. It would be the same scenario if she had a 'special' male friend that he was uncomfortable with. She would owe her BF the respect of being up front and honest about it and even go so far as to have very limited contact with him if her BF asked for that. Talking to her so much seems like there is an emotional bond there that could eventually cause even more trouble than it already has. After 3 years of being in a relationship, if he can't literally choose you over her then there is a problem. Link to comment
DN Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 Let me ask this - if he talked to a male friend like this would you have a problem with it? It's all very well to say "You have a right to be angry". But you really don't unless he is cheating on you. What you are asking for is the right to distrust him, to assume that he is cheating or that he wants to cheat and that you have a right to control who he talks to - because you don't trust him. So - suppose you are uncomfortable because he talks to her for five minutes a week, or a month. Do you have a right to tell him he can't. Do you really mean someone has a right to limit the amount of time a partner spends talking to a friend - because she is female? As I said - you can be angry, indignant or whatever - and you can claim that right. But he has a right to walk away from the relationship because his girlfriend doesn't trust him. You are angry because you assume that no one has ever had a platonic friendship with someone of the same sex - and I can tell you that they have. Being in a relationship doesn't give you the right to control people - it just gives you the right to expect that they will be faithful to you. If you think he is cheating then find evidence of it and leave him. Link to comment
VtecQueen Posted July 31, 2008 Author Share Posted July 31, 2008 the fact that I've expressed my feelings about them talking and what not, and he still doesn't seem to care what i think, he continues to talk to her for 30+, doesn't tell me anything about them talking, hides that he talks to her, aka doesn't try to show that there is nothing for me to worry about....all makes me feel like he doesn't care what I think, I don't feel like he respects me anymore. I've expressed my feelings on many occasions and alot of times he keeps doing the same thing and doesn't try to understand where I'm coming from. He told me once that him and her have "grown folks coversations" he says I am immature. whenever he gets mad at me I drop everything to make him not mad at me. he gets mad and hangs up on me, he doesn't call me but he will call her, I don't know....maybe I need to take a step back for a while, let him miss me. Link to comment
LYC Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 You are angry because you assume that no one has ever had a platonic friendship with someone of the same sex - and I can tell you that they have. She specifically stated that he has a female friend that he talks to that she has no problem with and gets along with. If a girl had a thing for my guy and he liked talking to her this much, especially after expressing my discomfort about it, I wouldn't put up with it. Link to comment
LYC Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 Dont put up with that. Doormat women get very little respect because a guy will realize that he can walk all over them. Dont 'drop everything', do your own things, dont make him a priority if you are only an option for him. Sounds like he is taking things for granted. Link to comment
VtecQueen Posted July 31, 2008 Author Share Posted July 31, 2008 She specifically stated that he has a female friend that he talks to that she has no problem with and gets along with. If a girl had a thing for my guy and he liked talking to her this much, especially after expressing my discomfort about it, I wouldn't put up with it. yeah, exactly Link to comment
VtecQueen Posted July 31, 2008 Author Share Posted July 31, 2008 Dont put up with that. Doormat women get very little respect because a guy will realize that he can walk all over them. Dont 'drop everything', do your own things, dont make him a priority if you are only an option for him. Sounds like he is taking things for granted. you are right....thanks. Link to comment
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