ILikeHockey Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 Well, it seems I'm none too good at NC. Not absolutely terrible, mind you. But, not the greatest in the world. I've talked to the ex twice since my last posting. Was it the best of ideas? Probably not. But, its done, its over with, nothing I can do. I don't think I was *too* bad during the conversations, I didn't do a lot of begging or pleading to be taken back, or anything like that. I was just confused as hell still, and wanted to understand better (the first time. The second time, for some reason, I couldn't stop myself from asking whether she got to be an RA or not). I don't regret breaking NC, but I think I will if I do it a third time. Because there's nothing more to be gained from it. I know where things went wrong, I know that, while I probably didn't help the situation, this wasn't my fault. I know how she feels, and why we are where we are. I know there's a chance of getting back together, but I also know I can't count on it. If the opportunity is gonna arise, it could happen next month or next year, and I can't sit around waiting for it. I don't plan on jumping into another relationship, because I'm not ready for it yet. Hell, if she had wanted to get back together, I'm not ready for that either. She still loves me. She's still IN love with me (don't worry, I'm not gonna dwell on that too much. Regardless of how she feels, we are where we are, and I can't change that). And I respect and admire her for being able to break things off when she feels like that, recognizing she has things she needs to deal with on her own. Because I couldn't do that in her place. She's been trying harder than most dumpers would to keep me in her life, as a big part of her life. She's broken NC (she did it first), admitted to trying to tempt me to break NC, and said that if I hadn't this last time, she would've in a day or two (I've done everything I can now to prevent her from being able to break NC from now on). She's bribed me to talk to her again in September with Rise Against tickets (maybe not the smartest idea for me to accept. She knows I can't turn down anything Rise Against related). I know I'm gonna get through everything, and that I'll be fine eventually (I don't like that it has to be eventually, but, nothing I can do). I'm not worried about me right now. Oddly enough, after everything she's put me through this past little while, I still find myself worrying about her. In the past month, she's lost her best friend (stories on that one differ depending on who you talk to, so I'm not sure what to believe happened there), her boyfriend (me!), and she found out today (don't worry, I didn't find out from talking to her, I have other ways of gaining this information. I probably shouldn't be gaining any information on her, but I was curious) that she didn't get accepted as an RA, even though they seemed fairly desperate. Which means she'll need to spend another 4 or 5 thousand dollars, which I'm not sure she has, in order to go to school this year. And on top of that, she's said things like "i think a part of me is shocked... that someone could care about me that much at all". I know that there's nothing I can do for her right now but give her time and space, but... I still worry. However, I've learned through all of this that I have issues of my own to work on while she's solving hers (she has problems standing up for herself and telling me when things bother her, which got to be too much for her to take. Not that I purposely do things to bother her or anything like that, and if she'd told me things bothered her, I would've stopped). I need to mature a bit, stop relying on my parents or my meal plan to make my food all the time, and start doing my own laundry (all things that'll happen fairly quickly when I move into my new place in September, but there's no reason not to start now). I need to stop being so quick to dismiss things that I don't think I want to do (although, I probably would've dismissed less if she'd been standing up for what she wanted to do instead of just seeming like she was throwing ideas out there. The two traits really played off each other to magnify the problems, didn't they?). And, most of all, I need to open up and talk about my life more. I tend to avoid talking about what happened during my day, because 99% of the time its either really boring and repetitive, or it involves fancy terms that she wouldn't have understood (which is not to say she's stupid; I consider her to be smarter than I am. We just have our intelligences in completely different areas). And I tend to avoid questions about certain topics even when there's no real reason to. I guess I just tend to keep a lot of stuff to myself, even when I shouldn't. I've had this come up before, but I thought it was a different issue entirely (I used to be really good at avoiding questions, or making people think I'd answered a question when I hadn't, and stuff like that, so I thought I was just a manipulative person). Solving that "issue" didn't fix the underlying one. So, now its time to deal with that. Anyways, I think I'm done my rambling. I don't even remember what my first few paragraphs are about at this point. Thanks for reading if you read it, and if you didn't, well, thanks for letting me get my thoughts out Link to comment
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