An Update To My Story!

[ILikeHockey]

Well, it seems I'm none too good at NC. Not absolutely terrible, mind you. But, not the greatest in the world. I've talked to the ex twice since my last posting. Was it the best of ideas? Probably not. But, its done, its over with, nothing I can do. I don't think I was *too* bad during the conversations, I didn't do a lot of begging or pleading to be taken back, or anything like that. I was just confused as hell still, and wanted to understand better (the first time. The second time, for some reason, I couldn't stop myself from asking whether she got to be an RA or not).

 

I don't regret breaking NC, but I think I will if I do it a third time. Because there's nothing more to be gained from it. I know where things went wrong, I know that, while I probably didn't help the situation, this wasn't my fault. I know how she feels, and why we are where we are. I know there's a chance of getting back together, but I also know I can't count on it. If the opportunity is gonna arise, it could happen next month or next year, and I can't sit around waiting for it. I don't plan on jumping into another relationship, because I'm not ready for it yet. Hell, if she had wanted to get back together, I'm not ready for that either.

 

She still loves me. She's still IN love with me (don't worry, I'm not gonna dwell on that too much. Regardless of how she feels, we are where we are, and I can't change that). And I respect and admire her for being able to break things off when she feels like that, recognizing she has things she needs to deal with on her own. Because I couldn't do that in her place.

 

She's been trying harder than most dumpers would to keep me in her life, as a big part of her life. She's broken NC (she did it first), admitted to trying to tempt me to break NC, and said that if I hadn't this last time, she would've in a day or two (I've done everything I can now to prevent her from being able to break NC from now on). She's bribed me to talk to her again in September with Rise Against tickets (maybe not the smartest idea for me to accept. She knows I can't turn down anything Rise Against related).

 

I know I'm gonna get through everything, and that I'll be fine eventually (I don't like that it has to be eventually, but, nothing I can do). I'm not worried about me right now. Oddly enough, after everything she's put me through this past little while, I still find myself worrying about her. In the past month, she's lost her best friend (stories on that one differ depending on who you talk to, so I'm not sure what to believe happened there), her boyfriend (me!), and she found out today (don't worry, I didn't find out from talking to her, I have other ways of gaining this information. I probably shouldn't be gaining any information on her, but I was curious) that she didn't get accepted as an RA, even though they seemed fairly desperate. Which means she'll need to spend another 4 or 5 thousand dollars, which I'm not sure she has, in order to go to school this year. And on top of that, she's said things like "i think a part of me is shocked... that someone could care about me that much at all". I know that there's nothing I can do for her right now but give her time and space, but... I still worry.

 

However, I've learned through all of this that I have issues of my own to work on while she's solving hers (she has problems standing up for herself and telling me when things bother her, which got to be too much for her to take. Not that I purposely do things to bother her or anything like that, and if she'd told me things bothered her, I would've stopped). I need to mature a bit, stop relying on my parents or my meal plan to make my food all the time, and start doing my own laundry (all things that'll happen fairly quickly when I move into my new place in September, but there's no reason not to start now). I need to stop being so quick to dismiss things that I don't think I want to do (although, I probably would've dismissed less if she'd been standing up for what she wanted to do instead of just seeming like she was throwing ideas out there. The two traits really played off each other to magnify the problems, didn't they?). And, most of all, I need to open up and talk about my life more. I tend to avoid talking about what happened during my day, because 99% of the time its either really boring and repetitive, or it involves fancy terms that she wouldn't have understood (which is not to say she's stupid; I consider her to be smarter than I am. We just have our intelligences in completely different areas). And I tend to avoid questions about certain topics even when there's no real reason to. I guess I just tend to keep a lot of stuff to myself, even when I shouldn't. I've had this come up before, but I thought it was a different issue entirely (I used to be really good at avoiding questions, or making people think I'd answered a question when I hadn't, and stuff like that, so I thought I was just a manipulative person). Solving that "issue" didn't fix the underlying one. So, now its time to deal with that.

 

Anyways, I think I'm done my rambling. I don't even remember what my first few paragraphs are about at this point. Thanks for reading if you read it, and if you didn't, well, thanks for letting me get my thoughts out

[ILikeHockey]

A part of me is regretting agreeing to go see Rise Against with her. Thats a lot of time that I'm not sure I'll want to spend hanging out with her. The time we have to spend figuring out rides and where to meet, the time sitting on the bus to get to the show, dinner beforehand, the time AT the show, getting home...

 

Right now I'm thinking we might just spend the night at a friends in the city, and I'll make sure she gets on a bus home in the morning, and I'll just spend the rest of the weekend with friends. I'll feel kinda bad about just ditching her like that, but...

 

This whole concert thing confuses me too much if I think about it. Normally, I'm the one telling her about shows, not the other way around. And she was acting like she was going no matter what, even if I didn't go with her (I'd be going no matter what, thats for sure). I've never known her to do that for ANY concert, much less Rise Against. Sure, she likes them, but its not like they're one of her favourite bands. They're MY favourite band, she can't have them But, the concert isn't for a long time, its best not to think of these things. A lot can change by then.

 

But, I'm starting to think September can't come soon enough. I'm bored as hell at work all day (15 days left). Pretty much everyone lives too far away to go see after work, especially since I hate driving. And they're always busy on the weekends with their SO's. When I get back to school, I won't be having that problem.

 

Again, just getting thoughts out, you don't have to read or respond

[ILikeHockey]

So I've really gotta stop thinking about this whole thing. Its just confusing me. Why is she trying so hard to keep me around? I don't see her doing this just to be a * * * * * ... Its almost like she thinks she's gonna want me back, but has to deal with her own issues before that can happen. Oh well, I've just gotta stop thinking.

 

I'm kinda torn on this whole concert thing. I know its a long time away, but still... I've got a friend who's probably gonna come to town for the show, I don't know if that makes things better or worse. I don't know if she's gonna want to try to get back together then, or if its just gonna be awkward, or whats gonna happen. But, as long as it doesn't ruin Rise Against for me, its fine.

 

How did she find out about Rise playing before I did though? And she used it against me... she knows theres only a few bands I can't turn down, and Rise is one of two that are actually together right now....

 

On a bright note, I've been feeling better about everything. I was really confused last night because I wasn't hurting at all, no matter what I thought about. It seemed a little soon for that... it didn't last (started hurting again about noonish today), but its a good sign.

 

Again, no need to respond. You can if you want, but don't feel obligated to

[ILikeHockey]

Felt pretty good today. I dunno, its like having her tell me that she still loved me made everything ok somehow. I'm not deluding myself into thinking that we're still together or anything. I'm not sure why it made everything seem better, but it did.

 

Although, I think I'm gonna be feeling bad after the concert. Cause I'm probably just gonna end up telling her to never contact me again, and to stay out of my life. And, thats not gonna be a fun conversation...

[cpujunkie]

Your young and have plenty of time to sort things out by the concert. Focus on yourself and what you can do before then.

[ILikeHockey]

Unfortunately, there isn't much exciting I can do for awhile. Combine a fear of driving with living out in the middle of nowhere and parents who are sick of taking me places, and my getting out of the house doesn't happen too often. But, in 28 days I move back to school and I'll get to hang out with a bunch of friends all the time, I'm really looking forward to that.

 

But you're right on having plenty of time. Her and I both have plenty of time to figure things out by then. Right now, I don't see a good ending to the whole thing being possible, but things can change.

 

And continuing my daily trend of getting my thoughts out:

 

I missed her today more than I have these past few days. I'm not sure why, exactly. I've been sad about her being gone today, but it doesn't exactly hurt like it has... I'm not sure how to describe it. I just know that any time in the past year and a half when I've been feeling like this, I've been able to talk to her and feel better. It didn't even have to be about what was making me sad. Its weird that she's not there for me any more.

[ILikeHockey]

She broke NC two nights ago to make sure I was going to the concert with her. I was starting to feel the need to talk to her again, its just good I didn't break NC this time. Although, I kinda wish she hadn't, cause I've been feeling worse since. Not horrible, mind you. Just... worse than I was.

 

She does still love me, she more or less confirmed that during our last conversation. So what happens next? I'm not sure, exactly. She'll talk to me sometime in September, so I've got plenty of time to work things out and figure out how I want to do things. Which is something I'll (hopefully) be relatively sure of by then, because I'm definitely not now. Its weird how I can't stay angry at her for this. I get angry for a bit over everything, but it doesn't stick. I feel like yelling at her for five minutes, and then it goes away, and I'm back to.... whatever I'm at now.