HangingInThere Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 ...Well I have been searching and have not found a topic similar so I can get advice! Here goes: I was moving along fine in my life, I was/is happy and everything was/is going fine. I broke up with my ex because I wasn't happy with him and couldn't see a future with him, so I felt like a waste of time. I haven't pined over him or the relationship and as I said, I was/is doing great! Last night I don't know what got over me, but I sent my ex an anonymous text stating exactly, "Be at my house @ 7:50a I need a ride" (I didnt't feel like driving to my meeting and there is no parking or any parking lots in the area). Anyway, don't ask me how he knew it was me, but he responded from his phone saying no prob but its more feasible if he come tonight as its going to hard to get up that early. Ok, I knew that was bullcrap, but I played along because some part of me wanted to lay down n cuddle with him again. So he comes over and after I played hard to get lol, I gave into his advances and we had sex. After we had sex I felt fine, I didn't start thinking about our future or felt elated or anything, it was basically sex! I know I know, I sound horrible, oh well! While sleeping he cuddled with me like we use to and when I try to get out of his arms he would pull me back - he kiss me goodnight and kissed me goodmorning (something he always did when we were in a relationship). oh btw, I broke up with him a few months ago and this was my 1st time seeing him since then. Now how do I proceed? I'm not sure what to do, some part of me still love him, but I don't want this to turn into a sex thing but I'm not sure if I want a rela with him again. How do I talk to him I feel like I need to know what rela or other woman situations he's been involved in since I broke up with him. How do I approach this new thing I got myself into again? I really didn't think he was going to respond (I guess he calld my bluff) and I don't want to be the girl to ignore him or kick him out of my life again! Please please please advise! I can't believe I got myself in this mess! Link to comment
SchecterGuy Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 If you want to be with him be with him, if you don't then don't. Make this decision in a vacuum and think only of what you want. I get the feeling there is a good chance you are going to string him along though. Please do not do that. Very unfair. Link to comment
melrich Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 If you don't want a relationship with him then you should be disciplined and stay away. Calling him in like this is just leading him on, playing with feelings you don't understand. Link to comment
morgane Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 is this really the first topic like this? i've seen many like this just 2 minutes ago but anyways, yeah i think you need to talk to him see where he is going with this whole thing Link to comment
jettison Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 It's hard to believe you didn't know what you were doing the whole time. You texted him, and you said, "I don't know why", but you knew why. You wanted him again. But at the same time, you don't want him enough to give him what he obviously wants. So, you used him for your benefit, and now you'd like it if things weren't uncomfortable. What is the advice? Decide. Decide that you want him in your life, or decide that you don't. No side is still a side though. Right now, your decision is clear. "I'm going to mess with him and get emotional and physical comfort with him until such point comes that I get a little bit uncomfortable, and then I'll dump him again." That's your decision. Only the two of you can decide if your decision is fair. Link to comment
spion_kop Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 You have to be very straightforward. You cannot be here and there. It is unfair to the both of you, not just him if you're indecisive. Plus you have to address or think about the reasons as to why you two broke up in the first place. Don't make a hasty decision but rather ask yourself about what you want and then sit down and talk to him about it. Link to comment
HangingInThere Posted July 30, 2008 Author Share Posted July 30, 2008 If you want to be with him be with him, if you don't then don't. Make this decision in a vacuum and think only of what you want. I get the feeling there is a good chance you are going to string him along though. Please do not do that. Very unfair. Is this you? Lol I don't understand what you mean about the vacuum comment. But no really, I am not stringing anyone along, if anything I am always getting out of a situation instead of wasting our time. Do I talk to him about what happened and what next? Or do I just go with the flow? I'm so confused and I feel very ackward SchecterGuy, I really don't know how to proceed Link to comment
nicole1236 Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 It's hard to believe you didn't know what you were doing the whole time. You texted him and you said, "I don't know why", but you knew why. You wanted him again. But at the same time, you don't want him enough to give him what he obviously wants. So, you used him fory your benefit, and now you'd like it if thinks weren't uncomfortable. What is the advice? Decide. Decide that you want him in your life or decide that you don't. No side is still a side though. Right now, you decision is clear. "I'm going to mess with him and get emotional and physical comfort with him until such point comes that I get a little bit uncomfortable, and then I'll dump him again." That's your decision. Only the two of you can decide is your decision is fair. Agreed with Jettison 100%. What you're doing right now is not fair. If you don't know what you want right now, tell him that and don't contact him until you figure it out. If you really care for him at all you wont string him along. Link to comment
HangingInThere Posted July 30, 2008 Author Share Posted July 30, 2008 is this really the first topic like this? i've seen many like this just 2 minutes ago but anyways, yeah i think you need to talk to him see where he is going with this whole thing Point it out to me and I'll gladly delete this one! Link to comment
SchecterGuy Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 Is this you? Lol I don't understand what you mean about the vacuum comment. But no really, I am not stringing anyone along, if anything I am always getting out of a situation instead of wasting our time. Do I talk to him about what happened and what next? Or do I just go with the flow? I'm so confused and I feel very ackward SchecterGuy, I really don't know how to proceed When I say choose in a vacuum I mean make a decision without taking his feelings into consideration. I say this because you need to do what you want and not get back into a relationship because he wants it. Link to comment
morgane Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 Point it out to me and I'll gladly delete this one! oh no, i didn't mean exactly like this but i ment like relationship wise it's about you and the ex things like that you know. Link to comment
HangingInThere Posted July 30, 2008 Author Share Posted July 30, 2008 It's hard to believe you didn't know what you were doing the whole time. You texted him and you said, "I don't know why", but you knew why. You wanted him again. But at the same time, you don't want him enough to give him what he obviously wants. So, you used him fory your benefit, and now you'd like it if thinks weren't uncomfortable. What is the advice? Decide. Decide that you want him in your life or decide that you don't. No side is still a side though. Right now, you decision is clear. "I'm going to mess with him and get emotional and physical comfort with him until such point comes that I get a little bit uncomfortable, and then I'll dump him again." That's your decision. Only the two of you can decide is your decision is fair. I think you misread what I wrote, I never said I don't why, if I'm not mistaken I think I said, I don't know what got over me! I really didn't think he ws going to respond or really know it was me - I was being silly n at the same time I would have settled for just seeing him in the morn! I broke up with him and I basically told him never contact me again and he should move on with his life. Even though we have some fundamental incompatibilites(well I don't think we put forth the effort to resolved those incompatibilites in the past).Some part of me still love him but I think its hard to fix us, well nothing is really hard if you put your mind to it, perhaps this was my way of bringing him back into my life and its a start of a relationship again. I'm confused! Link to comment
thejigsup Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 You wanted sex. That is understandable and cool. He should have known it was just that, nothing more. But maybe he just wanted sex, also. He sure didn't turn it down, did he? I like how people turn an invitation to have a little sex into an invitation to a relationship. The two are very different things. If he is cool with this, have fun! If he isn't, don't see him again. That is using someone and that is never nice. Link to comment
HangingInThere Posted July 30, 2008 Author Share Posted July 30, 2008 You wanted sex. That is understandable and cool. He should have known it was just that, nothing more. But maybe he just wanted sex, also. He sure didn't turn it down, did he? I like how people turn an invitation to have a little sex into an invitation to a relationship. The two are very different things. If he is cool with this, have fun! If he isn't, don't see him again. That is using someone and that is never nice. I'm far from naïve, so as I said in my OP, I knew his excuses for wanting to come over in the night as oppose t just picking me up in the morning was 'bullcrap'. I would never confuse sex and think it means a relationship. I knew that it was going to be a sexcapade once he comes over in the middle of the night, and even though I told him he can sleep in the guestroom or the workout room, I knew he wasn't. I even stated I was playing 'hard to get' when we were play wrestling me for a kiss and etc. With all that said, I would have been equally comfortable if he just showed up in the morning! Again folks, I am not the stringalong type of person, I end rela if I see that its not going anywhere. Really n truly I don't mind getting back with him if we work hard on our indifferences, and he work on himself! The reason I posted this is for advice, so yu don't have to say stop stringing him along, not my intention. What my question is how I proceed with this, do I stop having sex with him until we work on what caused us to break up in the past. I don't want to dump him again, well in this case, stop talking to him or don't accept any of his dates - so its no about dumping him cuz we are not in a relationship, its not even 24hours yet! I don't want to disappear out of his life like all the other times, so YES ena, I want to be fair! Link to comment
melrich Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 He should have known it was just that, nothing more. Why? Here is a guy she dumped and told never to contact her again 2 months ago. His context is likely completely different to hers. If you just want sex, do it with someone who has no emotional attachment. Otherwise you are playing hard ball with someone else's feelings. Link to comment
Ellie2006 Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 I think you're playing with semantics here re: "I dont know why" vs "I dont know what got over me" You write: "I really didnt think he was going to respond or really know it was me" -- I dont mean to be harsh but you really didnt think, period. SO what was your plan (prior to texting him) IF he figured out it was you and he did respond?? Did you plan to respond any differently than you ended up doing? You said you would have settled for seeing him in the morning -- so why didnt you insist he come by in the morning, ESPECIALLY if you knew his "excuse" for wanting to come over in the night? I point these inconsistencies out so that YOU own up to your part in creating this mini-drama of sorts. Like others have said, you have to decide IF you want to work on a reconciliation or not. If you dont want to, then the answer's simple -- stop "being silly" and stop texting him. If you do want to reconcile, then make the proper measures to initate reconciliation with him. If you continue to text him out of the blue WITHOUT knowing for yourself what you want, then you ARE stringing him along, even if that may NOT have been your intention. Just my two cents. Link to comment
HangingInThere Posted July 31, 2008 Author Share Posted July 31, 2008 I'm going to respond more in depth to your post a little later - I'm on my blackberry and at a stoplight! I don't think I'm the one playing with words here, I said what I said! Anyway, just like you, I don't mean to be harsh, but stop reading left and read right! I said, 'playing hard to get' (notice the quotations) I wanted to have sex, just as much as him, I wasn't forced or coerced into it, it was with the man that deeply n sincerely love me! But at the same time if he said tha he really preferred to come in the morning I would have been fine with that as well! So it wasn't any need for me to insist he come in the morning instead! I text him from an anonymous text and he replied to me from his phone - I guess I wanted to see if he was still mad at me and/or perhaps I didn't have the guts to pick up the phone to talk to him(yup silly me and my game) I'm just realizing this, maybe this was my cowardly way of rekindling (still trying to figure that out)! If he didn't want to be with me again, he could have ignored it, but he didn't, he responded, he came over, he made love to me, he hugged me all night, he got up and made breakfast for us, he drove me to my meeting, he postponed his own meeting so he can pick me up afterwards, he called me throughout the afternoon, he wants us to plan a trip to vegas for next weekend - so yea, I would say he was anxious for any kind of communication from me, even if it was by way of an 'anonymous text'. My dilemma now is, do I stop the sex and work on our past issues or just do everything together - sex n work on the issues? Again, I don't want to leave him once again for a few months because I wasn't strong enough to stay instead of running - its going to start looking a bit nutty on my behalf! Again, I'm confused! Oh I pulled over to type all of that! Lol Link to comment
HangingInThere Posted July 31, 2008 Author Share Posted July 31, 2008 My apologies, I think I was a bit snappy with some of replies. I am somwehat cranky n extremely tired - I had 3hours of sleep last night n approximately 5hrs the night before. So I'm going to bed now,just pulled up at home. I'll chat back with you all 2mrw! Thanks guys for ur input! Much love. Link to comment
BeStrongBeHappy Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 I think you acted on impulse, because you were tired, lonely, horny, whatever. But impulse is nothing to build a relationship on. I think your best bet is to talk to him about this. Tell him very clearly you're not sure what you want, that you were impulsive etc. If you want to try again, you need to openly discuss the problems that led to a breakup with him, and see if you can negotiate a compromise. But i suggest you stay out of bed with him until you figure it out, in order not to lead him on. Unless you both decide that FWB is OK, it can hurt him, so make sure you tell him exactly what you are feeling in detail before proceeding. Link to comment
HangingInThere Posted August 1, 2008 Author Share Posted August 1, 2008 I think you acted on impulse, because you were tired, lonely, horny, whatever. But impulse is nothing to build a relationship on. I think your best bet is to talk to him about this. Tell him very clearly you're not sure what you want, that you were impulsive etc. If you want to try again, you need to openly discuss the problems that led to a breakup with him, and see if you can negotiate a compromise. But i suggest you stay out of bed with him until you figure it out, in order not to lead him on. Unless you both decide that FWB is OK, it can hurt him, so make sure you tell him exactly what you are feeling in detail before proceeding. Hey BeStrong, thanks for the words of wisdom! Well we had a long convo this morning and we spoke so openly, it felt great! We then talked again late afternoon, again openly and then he asked to come over after work so we can discuss the rela and what went wrong in the past (take note, this was not like him at all). He came over and we went out to dinner overlooking Central Park.We talked about what we have to do to make the relationship successful and we decided we are going to make it work! I had such a beautiful evening/night with him and I don't have any regrets I sent that anonymous text, I'm very happy I did amd even more happy he responded! As I type this, he is asleep next to me! I can't wait til tomorrow to come to see what is instore for us! NC worked - I was the dumper, even tho at times I felt like he was the one that dumped me! While in NC, we both worked on ourselves and have a much clearer perspective on life and what we want/need out of it! Going to cuddle now. Love you ENA! Link to comment
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