Being the bigger person

[Takotsubo]

I want to preface by saying that this website is one of the most amazing resources on the web for relationships, and it's in no small thanks to all of you. Your experience is incredible!

 

I recently broke it off with my live in gf of 10 yrs. Well, it was more of a mutual break up. She got back from vacation and things weren't the same. I could tell something was off, but at the same time, after 10 yrs, I was very angry she could go on vacation with another guy w/o me. I felt betrayed for 6weeks and although I assumed nothing, I was ready to call it quits.

 

Background: 10 yrs, same social circles, mutual friends, and very good friends with her family. Were in talks for more commitment. We live together and share bank accounts, health insurance, phone bill, etc. She is about to leave for grad school in 2 weeks, and I was not moving with her. This was a silly decision on my part not to support her through this, and it apparently took it's toll.

 

Fast forward to last week.

 

The chronology:

 

Last week

 

Tue: She returned. Things seemed off, but I knew we needed some time to adjust to not seeing each other for 6 weeks. We enjoyed each other's company and slept together.

 

Wed: Something felt strange. I couldn't put my finger on it. She started acting strange. I just knew something was wrong. We couldn't focus but we still ended up sleeping together. It felt rushed. She spoke in her sleep and said something about one of the people she was in Europe with, along the lines of: I like you, but I am in love with my bf.

 

Thur: I knew she had something to say we tossed and turned all night. I woke up at 4:30 and couldn't fall back asleep. She was wide awake. We chatted for a little bit, and I asked her what was wrong. She started breaking down, so I told her that I felt angry that she went on vacation with another guy and I wanted to take a small break. She agreed.

 

Fri: Sad, but I knew this would happen.

 

Sat: Felt strange down there... Went to a see a doctor. Turns out I contracted an STD?! * * * !? I have been 100% faithful for 10 yrs! How could this be?! The doctor was very cold and simply told me to use the internet for resources on how to cope. I confronted the ex at this point. She said nothing happened. I don't know why, but I believed her because of the nature of this STD.

 

Sun: Numb

 

Mon: We started talking more. Everything seemed to be okay. She has a birthday party on Fri with all of our mutual friends to send her off to grad school.

 

Tue: We got along fine because she still lives with me until she leaves in 2 weeks. I was supposed to drive her to Chicago next week to see her off. However, the medication I'm on right now gives me drastic mood swings. I went into my room to study (she was left watching TV) and looked for my laptop. Since it was off, I simply used hers. Big mistake. I saw a chat log with her friend that had my name on it. I decided to read it. She admitted to her friend she got caught up in the moment (cheated on me and now confused). I was more than angry. I asked her to come into the room, and apologized that I had male PMS. We talked about little things, then I asked her again about her EU trip because of the timing of what happened to me. I could see her heart beating like crazy, but she denied it.

 

Wed: With this knowledge, I can no longer work. Her party is on Fri and while I want to just kick her to the curb, I'm trying to be the bigger man by not sharing this information with anybody else because the last thing someone needs before they leave is to be confronted by all of our friends. It would really make me feel good, though, to do such a thing, but I'm in a bind.

 

How do I confront her? I'm ready to kick her to the curb the moment I get home, but I want to be rational. She's moving out next week, so the option will be for her to stay with friends until then, but until Fri, it will be really strange.

 

So confused...

 

Wed:

[Infin1ty]

If you know she cheated on you, you really need to come out and say it. Not only did she cheat on you, but obviously, she gave you an STD in the process. I know its not going to be easy, but you have solid evidence that she cheated, and I can tell ya right now, she will be pissed that you read her chat log, and after you tell her that you did, she will probably try to turn this whole thing against you, but you need to stay strong.

[Seraphim]

You KNOW she lied to you and gave you an STD.....I know you have 10 years together, but she gave you an STD and LIED about it! I would tell her to leave now and take herself to a dr because she obviously has it too. Tell her outright you know she cheated and gave you a disease, she needs to know the scope of what she has done.

[Haven]

If you got an STD and you didn't cheat, then it's pretty obvious that the other person cheated, regardless of whether or not you read her chat log. I'm just surprised that you had to see hard evidence of this to be convinced. After all, there's a reason why it's called a sexually-transmitted disease. (I'm sure there are ways these can be passed non-sexually, but that's probably pretty rare. If it was commonly passed by touching hands, then it wouldn't be called a sexually-transmitted disease.)

 

You could confront her about it based on just the STD issue. You don't even need to mention the chat log. I mean, how else would you have gotten an STD? She's probably thanking God that you seem to be so gullible and aren't already "kicking her to the curb".

[Takotsubo]

Yeah, the hardest part of this will be not showing up at her party. But at the same time, I feel so betrayed and you're all correct. I probably won't be able to control myself at her party.

 

Thank you all. I will really need to see where my head is over the next few days. She's going to be out soon, though. Really soon.

[25thfloor]

If you know she cheated on you, you really need to come out and say it. Not only did she cheat on you, but obviously, she gave you an STD in the process. I know its not going to be easy, but you have solid evidence that she cheated, and I can tell ya right now, she will be pissed that you read her chat log, and after you tell her that you did, she will probably try to turn this whole thing against you, but you need to stay strong.

 

oh man...i'd throw her crap out the door and call it a day! cheat and give me a STD? i do not think so. too bad if it makes for a rough day for her.

[Zeitgeist]

Do you really want to be the bigger person? Then pack up all your things, move out and go into full NC. If she does confront you, all you need to do is say, I have an STD which means one of us cheated, and I know it wasn't me. But even more importantly (and by saying so, you take the focus off the cheating - because after all, it's more a symptom rather than the cause of the problems), you're obviously confused about our relationship and you can't seem to communicate to me about it, so I'm making the choice easy for you. You are now free to do whatever you like.

 

Thus, you have take the high road. The guilt will eat her alive, however it's not for this purpose. It's so that you can get some time and space to think about whether you really want this relationship. Will also give her some time and space. If she's ever ready to talk to you openly and honestly, then you can think about whether you want to try and repair this major breach in trust.

 

I agree you shouldn't share this information with mutual friends (although you can tell people who have been YOUR friends before you knew her, if you have any). But you also shouldn't go to the party. Make up an excuse - just say you're not feeling well. Do whatever you have to to get out of it.

[Takotsubo]

You're all right. I just have to think it out and be calm when I do this. It is not something that I want to explode on her.

[Zeitgeist]

You're all right. I just have to think it out and be calm when I do this. It is not something that I want to explode on her.

I think you are being far too kind. Why are you taking her feelings into consideration in all this? She screwed up and you're paying the price. You don't have to explode, but I think you're quite justified at being mad and letting her know you are. Then you take matters into your own hand and ditch her. Cut her out of your life 100% completely as if she didn't exist.

[Takotsubo]

Maybe I am being far too kind. I just spoke with my mentor. He is big about saving face. While he said it is good to confront her, he said it is not a situation for others to have to deal with. He told me to remain calm, talk to the ex about it, then go to the party (because my absense would be VERY conspicuous at this point), and then just find a way to get out of it.

 

Crazy stuff... I am very angry right now, but I'm also torn between being mature about it. I'm asking her, though, to pack all of her things and get out before the weekend. She can stay with someone else.

[Seraphim]

OK going to her "party" is a crock of crap I am sorry to say. Your mentor has the WRONG advice there. Anyone who gave me an STD would have their stuff thrown out my window and their a$$ bounced down my front steps. Sorry it makes her look bad to not have her bf at her party but tooooooooo bad, she should have thought of that before now. You are being far too kind, worry about yourself she did not care about you when she did what she did. Also too if my husband went on vacation with some woman he would not be my husband when he got back.

[Takotsubo]

I will ask present the proof to her tonight and ask her to be gone out of the house by tomorrow. I'll also let her know that I'm moving out at the end of next month and that there will be no contact from me for probably forever.

 

I am just so hurt right now that I don't know how to handle this. I'll make sure that I write it all down so that way it's a nice clean divide. I am just so angry and betrayed, I'm not even sure what to do.

 

Thank you all so much for putting it in perspective. I really need to clear my head.

[Kahdeksan]

I'm sorry, brother, but I know what it's like going through what you're going through. My ex cheated on me with three guys, one of them her cousin, right after my birthday too.

 

I don't think words could describe what I went through... She even drove close to an hour to go and sleep with this one guy, who's a player, who treats her like a piece of meat, while I'd die for her. She HAD all that time to her while she drove there for happy time, but I never once came up in her consciousness.

 

I ended up forgiving her, it took a lot out of me, but in the end it was the best thing that I could do. It brought me closure and peace. I was very nearly about to kick her out of my place as well, but I loved her too much, too much to do that. She had no friends on this part of the state, so I couldn't...

 

Now, she's left me because she doesn't see a future with me... how hurt am I, I ask you... I don't regret forgiving her, nor do I regret knowing her, because I've gained a lot of personal growth from this relationship.

 

Your mentor, is telling you to be the bigger man, by not blowing everything out of the water... I think you should go with your mentor's advice.

 

Why make the situation any worse than it already is. I kept my ex's dirty deeds from everyone, it hurt, but I didn't want them to hate her, because I KNOW her, they didn't.

 

My advice is to try and stay calm... take a deep breathe before you speak to her about all this, you had a lot of history together, and for that sake, don't blow it out of the water, not in front of everyone. This is between you and her... I hope you can sought out the problems.

 

I'm praying for you to heal from this deep, deep cut... I'm with you on this.

Sending you lots of love, lots!

[Takotsubo]

Your mentor, is telling you to be the bigger man, by not blowing everything out of the water... I think you should go with your mentor's advice.

 

Why make the situation any worse than it already is. I kept my ex's dirty deeds from everyone, it hurt, but I didn't want them to hate her, because I KNOW her, they didn't.

 

My advice is to try and stay calm... take a deep breathe before you speak to her about all this, you had a lot of history together, and for that sake, don't blow it out of the water, not in front of everyone. This is between you and her... I hope you can sought out the problems.

 

I'm praying for you to heal from this deep, deep cut... I'm with you on this.

Sending you lots of love, lots!

 

Thanks Kahd...

 

So here's what I ended up doing. Last night, I went home, and pretended everything was good. I allowed her to have her space and go out with friends while I went out to bars with my buddies.

 

When I got home, we sat down and watched TV. I was gathering up the courage to tell her but realized it wasn't the right time. There was too much stuff of hers at the apartment and stuff we both owned, so it would not be an even split. Besides, I was going to work the next day and I def. did not want any of my stuff being damaged, etc.

 

So I slept through the night next to her (one last time...) and did my best to get a good sleep.

 

I couldn't really sleep so around 5am I sat up and started using my laptop. I ended up typing and moving around a lot so that she woke up slowly as well.

Once she woke up, I said "we need to talk."

 

She opened her eyes and asked what about. I reminded her of what had happened over the course of the week. I also told her that I knew... I asked why she had lied.

 

She didn't lie this time and instead, got defensive and said "well, 8 months ago you said I could have one freebie!" I told her that I did remember saying something to that effect, but was that really reasonable to believe? She kept saying "well, you said this, you said that." I asked her to stop. I told her she had no idea how much she hurt me.

 

I went off about how painful it was, and that if she didn't think it was cheating, why did she tell her friend she cheated? She had no answer. I then said how angry I was about the entire situation, screamed at her for being a cheater, and how I could do this or that. After the mild blow up, I told her that I was sorry for my behavior, I just needed to release.

 

I then looked at her and asked her to leave for the evening. "Please don't be home when I get back tonight." I told her that she could move her belongings slowly, so as to keep her time table, but that I did not want to see her tonight. On Friday, at her party, I would show up and allow her to save face. I also promised her that nobody else had to know about this, and while I was angry and betrayed, this is our business. I also made sure to not shut the door completely by saying I could perhaps forgive her in the future, but def. not now.

 

Ironically, I had to ask her to take me to work because the taxi didn't show up to take me. On the drive over, it was strange. I told her all of her good qualities and finished off by saying how beautiful she was. She started crying and kept saying "Sorry, this is isn't how I wanted it to end. I love you, sorry!" I just kept my cool.

 

When I reached my office, I looked at her one more time, touched her chin and told her that I'm sad she wasn't the one, but she's a wonderful person. She started crying again, so I left. We still need to see each other a few more times to separate out our belongings, but she will no longer be at my apt.

 

Now, I'm at the office and I can't believe what just happened. I feel relieved, but I'm also in shock. My heart feels like it were ripped from my chest and I have a void that can't be explained...

 

I'm not sure what to do with the next few months, and this will seriously derail my grad school application process as I'm not sure how I can study with this type of pain...

[Seraphim]

Good Luck, I hope it works out the way you want.

[Kahdeksan]

This is really hard on you, I've been through this, but at least she had the decency of not asking you to forgive her yet, as that will take time. Mine had asked me the very next day... And when she confessed to me, I was crying, so was she, but shortly after she quickly rang her best friend and they were both happily gossiping and laughing.

 

Uttering that I'm going to kick her out now, that she's gonna be homeless. Her best friend is one of those girls that'd sleep with anybody any time. Again, I did not know this... until much later. They actually compete with each other who they've slept with and how great the sex was! This made me really sick to the stomach. I even questioned if my ex ONLY went out with me because I had so many girls after me, that she wanted to beat them to the punch, she denied this. Me and her were an item, so to speak. Alas... had I known what she was like I wouldn't have even spoken to her.

 

My only advice for you is to try and forgive her, forgive you, forgive that other guy, forgive what happened, if you can. This is not about them, this is about you now, because if you have it in you to do that, you will fare better in the long run, and indeed on this grad school application process.

 

Also, I want to point out that perhaps she found it that she wasn't getting the love and affection she once did when you two started out on your honeymoon period. I'm not defending her, I'm pointing out that in matters such as these, there are other forces at play here. Why, else would she say in that log, about being swept off her feet? He gave her this exciting new adventure of discovery, while you were comfortable with the pace you were at.

 

If you can see it from two perspectives, it will ease your pain, and you'll be much likely to forgive what happened.

 

We can never forget, such is how our mind frame is wired, so we learn from the mistakes if we're willing to learn from it. So perhaps trying to forgive her would serve you better in the long run, especially when her cheating WILL indeed keep popping up, and it'll be hard to keep it out of your head.

 

I wish you well, my friend... I'd tell you to keep truckin' and keep those thoughts out of your head, but that would still be just as hard... I hope you find your peace, eventually, and move on.

 

My understanding for my ex was that her promiscuous ways were her addiction... I know it's not an excuse, but this is what people do in her shoes who've been sexually abused as children.

 

Again, I'm sending you lots of love, you get through this!

[Takotsubo]

I know... I should have done this or that, but you know what? I got cheated on. That's the bottom line. I will be able to forgive one day, but it will take time. I still am deeply in love with her so I hope that everything turns out fine, but I need to fall more in love w/myself right now. It's going to be a rough weekend, but I'll manage. Thanks, man. This place is awesome.

[25thfloor]

I'm so sorry this happened to you. You will study and grad school will be fine. it has to be. awful things happen to us throughout our lives, but we have to keep going for our goals. my ex husband wrote me a letter to kick me out of the house 2 days before i started my jr year at college...(i was an old student). i did go on, and i died every day...but i did finish my schooling. hang in there.

[Takotsubo]

Thanks eveyrbody. The party went well. Everything seems to be going well.

 

She will leave tomorrow, out of my life forever... i will look until she's gone, then let myself grieve her "death." It was a sad way to end things, but it's for the best.

 

Everybody is so wonderful here. Thank you.

[Kahdeksan]

I'm glad it all went well at the party, you're a bigger man than you thought! Partings are always sad, but you did the right thing in your mind, so stick to that! Be strong, don't look back, look beyond!!

 

All the best, man!