Nc and then an ultimatum???

[giggle3474]

Boyfriend broke up with me officially 3 weeks ago. Went NC for 1 week then went away for his birthday on a very romantic trip from which I came back devestated. HAd a huge fight last week because he has been asking for time and space and I haven't been giving it to him (true). I had just thought our weekend may have envoked some feeling from him besides being a selfish * * * * * * * .

 

Anywho - I sent him an email yesterday basically telling him I am not interested in going out this weekend. (I had asked him to take me out Last Friday , our last day of contact) I said that ironically I was feeling that I need time and space to take care of me and evaluate my life and whether or not he was right for it. The email was short and sweet and I okayed it through my therapist first.

 

Anyhow, my plan was to take these next 2-3 weeks and concentrate on me just like I said. If we do work it out, I would like to have learned something from this break and not go back and have it be the same. I have made plans with my girlfriends and this weekend I am dressing up, going out and gonna have fun. Im really excited about that.

 

The thing is, I had planned to then contact him (in person or on the phone) and see where things stood. I am moving on with my life but at the same time I am holding out hope that things will change with him. I want to be able to sit down with him and tell him what I want, what I need and what I am willing to offer. And at that point, I thought I would give him a couple more weeks of space to decide. (and I would tell him I have set a limit on it) His answer would eithther have to be, Im ready to come back, Im ready to talk about what we can possibly do to make this work, Im ready to go to counseling with you, or I'm done with you entirely. And then we would just go from there.

 

**OR**

 

I would call him up and ask him out for the following weekend. Based on how that went, I would either have the conversation with him at that point or possibly at a later date if I felt it was in my best interest. I would have to play that by ear.

 

And Im sure that Im going to hear that I should just wait for him to contact me and want to see me. And I don't know - I still may decide to do that... It just depends how I feel in a few weeks time. But the planning ahead makes me feel a little better even though inside I know that I may possibly feel worse afterwards. I think (and let me know if you disagree) that by that time (5-6weeks) that should be enough time to have decided whether or not he wants to be in a relationship.

 

There are certain things I would have to put on the table in order for me to want to go back as well. There are things that are negotiable and things that just aren't. But at this point, we havent even gotten that far.

 

= ( I miss him sooo much. I keep dreaming about him, keep thinking about him with other women, I keep kicking myself at the dumb things I've done (even though I know Im not 100% responsible for the break up) My heart just feels empty and heavy at the same time.

[summerpeach]

I say lay low and take the time for you.

Being in someone's face when they are unsure of a r/s is needy.

Let him know you mean business and just leave him alone

 

how long were you with him?

[bellanicola003]

My advice is to just give him his space and work on you! It's definitely not the time to start giving ultimatums because they only get people in trouble. If this guy really loves you, then he will be back. I don't know why he asked for space, but I know how hard it is to give it.

 

In the meantime of giving space, work on you...work on being the woman that you want to be - don't call him, don't text, don't email...just tell him, like you already did in your letter (did you send it?) that you need some time to work on you...actually...you could just tell him that face-to-face or not say anything at all about the time you need to take for you - sometimes too much information is a bad thing if you know what I mean! Give him the time he desires and take the time for yourself as well.

 

You will see the true feelings come out - if he likes his life without you, then he won't come around...if he does...he'll be around and will find ways to let you know!

 

Hope this helps! Good Luck!

 

I'm in the same boat - only I pushed my bf away by my emotions, attitude, and mouthy ways. I gave him the space he needed and desired and he's been around more and things have been MUCH better with us! It takes time, but you will see that what will be will be!

[Seraphim]

Ultimatums are never good. Just get on with your life. You may be entirely too dependant on him for being everything, know what I mean. Get out there, have a life. If it will work out it will work out and he will call you. If not then it won't. You need to live for YOU not other people.

[DN]

Why is he selfish?

 

(and please don't use bad language on here - those red asterisks mean that you did)

 

Calling him names like that isn't very loving.

[giggle3474]

I say lay low and take the time for you.

Being in someone's face when they are unsure of a r/s is needy.

Let him know you mean business and just leave him alone

 

how long were you with him?

 

We were together 1 1/2 years.

 

No - I fully intend on actually using this time to my advantage. I do need to reevalute our relationship and my life in general. But at the same time, I don't want to keep having this hope in the back (or front) of my mind... And if he trys to contact me in my 'time off' period, I doubt it will be because he's had some great epiphany... it will probably just be to see how im doing or whatever. Does that open it up for me to ask where we're at? What's goin on?

[melrich]

You should just stick your head down and commit to not contacting him for at least the next few weeks. Then you can evaluate what to do at that time.

[giggle3474]

Those aren't actually my thoughts or words really... But I do feel like it was kind of messed up for him to have gone away for the weekend with me and act like he was my boyfriend and then come back and say that nothing has changed. He says I should pay more attention to his words and not his actions but I don't get that. I feel like it was a mixed message and to an extent he has been sending the entire time.

 

And on that note, I do kind of feel like he is in a selfish phase right now. I just don't know if it's temporary or longer lasting.

 

 

Why is he selfish?

 

(and please don't use bad language on here - those red asterisks mean that you did)

 

Calling him names like that isn't very loving.

[amipushy]

 

Anywho - I sent him an email yesterday basically telling him I am not interested in going out this weekend. (I had asked him to take me out Last Friday , our last day of contact) I said that ironically I was feeling that I need time and space to take care of me and evaluate my life and whether or not he was right for it. The email was short and sweet and I okayed it through my therapist first.

 

That should be the end. No more contact. You are treating this as a big game plan. This isnt a game, and its quite possible that he is never coming back and you should treat this as the end and do what you said you were going to do for yourself, not to get him back.

 

I can't seem to get it through to you that if you keep this up, its going to become obsessional and the very thing you dread and fear most WILL happen and you will lose him forever.

[summerpeach]

We were together 1 1/2 years.

 

No - I fully intend on actually using this time to my advantage. I do need to reevalute our relationship and my life in general. But at the same time, I don't want to keep having this hope in the back (or front) of my mind... And if he trys to contact me in my 'time off' period, I doubt it will be because he's had some great epiphany... it will probably just be to see how im doing or whatever. Does that open it up for me to ask where we're at? What's goin on?

 

No it does not open it up.

Why are you giving him all the control. Don't take his call or reply to his contact when you're trying to figure stuff out for you.

You can let go of hope, but that's a choice you need to make.

When my ex from 5 yrs ago left to "find himself", I left him alone. I was DYING inside but he came back. He was dying to come back b/c I didn't show that I wanted him back.

Worst decision ever to take him back, but that's a whole other thread

 

Let him be and let go of the need to control this

[Karmageddon]

If you were really working on this for you...the time limit would be self imposed on just yourself, so you can see where you are and decide how you should proceed after taking this time for yourself... Know what I mean?

[Hope_Springs_Eternal]

He may have gone away with you for the weekend to evaluate in his mind once and for all if you were the one for him or not?

[giggle3474]

He may have gone away with you for the weekend to evaluate in his mind once and for all if you were the one for him or not?

 

 

Maybe - but he certainly acted like I was the one for him. But as soon as we got back, he was back to that I need time to myself but its crossed my mind that we will end up together. I need space and I wasn't planning on seeing you this weekend but I'll stop by so we can talk.

 

I asked him "why do you still see me?" he said, "we're friends, right?" and I asked him if he has sex with his friends and he said he had in the past. I told him I really hoped that after all this time and all that we have been through that he would have more respect for me than to put me in a FWB role. 'We are not friends, we are not gonna be friends so why do you still see me?' "I dunno." ](*,)

[giggle3474]

That should be the end. No more contact. You are treating this as a big game plan. This isnt a game, and its quite possible that he is never coming back and you should treat this as the end and do what you said you were going to do for yourself, not to get him back.

 

I can't seem to get it through to you that if you keep this up, its going to become obsessional and the very thing you dread and fear most WILL happen and you will lose him forever.

 

 

I do constantly think about him, I want him back more than anything. I figured going that long would be enough of a break that after- I could ask what was up. By that time, he should know what he wants.

[amipushy]

I do constantly think about him, I want him back more than anything. I figured going that long would be enough of a break that after- I could ask what was up. By that time, he should know what he wants.

 

I know its hard, its extremely hard, and it must seem like agony to be away from him but going back to him will only prove to him that nothing has changed, that you really havent taken the time for yourself and that you have just been biding your time.

 

Think about him, cry, stamp your feet and scream out loud if you have to but don't go back. I think the only thing that would get him to realise that you have changed is by actually changing, let him see that you really are moving on and letting go of control.

 

Let go and be just you but be so much wiser this time around. Understand?

[thejigsup]

When it comes to people needing space to think, I give them at least three months. Nothing changes in a couple of weeks. In three months you may not even want him. Give it time and keep having fun with your friends.

[deang]

I like the 3month rule as a good starting point...no need to do anything other than work on yourself during that time...maybe after the 3 months you can start thinking of them and if you want to re establish contact but 3months is a minimum I'd say...I've never had an ex come back faster than 6mo and I've had 4 come back about reconciling after sometimes years of NC.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Giggle, you have a well established pattern with him. I think he is happiest when he sees you on and off, sleeps with you, but has the freedom to go off and 'think about it' for weeks to months whenever he's in the mood.

 

So he is just doing what he always does. You want it to be different. I think he doesn't believe you when you issue ultimatums (since you can't go long without him emotionally and soon call him crying and giving in).

 

So you probably need to just decide what you want for your life, and start living that way. If you want a committed relationship and he won't give it to you, then you should be out looking for a man who will give that to you. Don't sleep with him or do the friends hanging out thing either, if that is not what you are interested in.

 

When he says this, he is wrong: "He says I should pay more attention to his words and not his actions but I don't get that."

 

Words are cheap and easy, and can be lies, or diversions, or obsfucation to cloud true motives. What he DOES is the way it is. So if his words and actions don't match, then you can only believe the actions.

 

So my advice would be no ultimatums, just go off and do your thing. In the meantime, go into true NC, and don't contact him again until he contacts you. If he wants anything other than to discuss your status, then tell him you won't see him because you don't want to be FWB. When (and if) he's ready for a commitment, he can call you.

 

Otherwise, start dating other guys.

[yankeefan74]

yeah, you have to leave him alone at this point. If he wants to contact you, he will.