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GraceloveJuly 30, 2008 in Journals
I'm feeling a bit down. I'm at home, with nothing to do.
My mom still chats with my ex occasionally, don't ask me why. She told me he got rid of my cat Tigger, he told her he took Tigger to the pound.
I don't believe that for one second. When he wanted to get rid of his first cat, he said that if I didn't take her to the shelter, he'd take her and dump her on the side of the road.
He is very concerned about how he appears to others, and I just don't believe he took the second cat to the shelter.
I call Tigger my cat, because I love him. I cared for him. He technically belongs to my ex, but I'm the one that bought his food and paid for his vet bills, while we were together.
Anywho, I love Tigger and that's what counts.
When we broke up I asked to have Tigger, and of course he didn't respond.
So all of this time I assumed my ex still had him, but nope, he apparently got rid of him, a couple of months after the break-up.
I'm feeling really sad.
At one point I considered going down there to get my cat. I thought it was a good idea, until my friend's mom told me I'd get arrested for breaking and entering.
I still love him so much, and I assumed he had a home.
I'm afraid of what he might have done to the cat. I just hope he's okay. I hope he has found a beautiful home.
He gave him up two years ago, that's a long time.
About a year or so ago, I called the Humane Society and asked if anyone dropped off a cat with that name.
The lady told me "no".
It was just wishful thinking at the time I guess.
I hoped that, just in case he'd gotten rid of him, I'd be able to swoop down and pick him up.
Anyway, I looked online, searching for information. I haven't really found anything.
I found two cats that could possibly be Tigger, I'll call the shelters tomorrow to see if any could possibly be him.
Anywho, I'm tired of my mom talking about my ex, this is nothing new.
However, at this point, I am totally done with hearing anything about him.
I've told her before, but she just won't honor my wishes.
I want to block him from her account so that maybe she'll stop talking to him, but I won't.
It's not my right.
But it's hard to feel you're completely rid of someone when your mother continues to bring that person up. Especially when she talks about him in a positive light, or defends him.
It's so frustrating. I love my mom to death, but sometimes she doesn't care at all about my feelings. And I must admit, it hurts.
Anywho, that's just the way it is.
But I really wish she'd stop talking about him. It reminds me of the other people she has defended, sided with, over me. Like my rapist.
And ya, he is who he is, that's fine. It's just that I don't like it when my mother sides with people who've hurt me, over me.
My Grandmother would never do that. I don't understand why my mother insists on doing such things.
If she admires someone more than me, that's fine. I just wish she wouldn't feel so compelled to share that information with me, you know?
I know my mother, I know what's important to her...achievement.
Someone could be the nastiest, cruelest, most horrible person ever, but if that person is successful by the world's standards then that carries a lot of weight with her.
Now that I'm older, I understand her, and accept her flaws and all. That's how it goes, especially when you're living with someone. What other choice do you have?
I just wish that in certain instances she would lay off.
Her staying in contact with my ex makes me uncomfortable, because my mother is very unpredictable. I'm afraid I'll come home one day, and he'll be in our living room.
She asked me, this past year, if she could invite one of my ex's to my birthday party. And when I said, "no", she's like, "Why?". And when I tell her why, she still asks, "why?"
It's hard having to constantly defend my views, especially when I have no control, at the end of the day.
Anywho, I just miss Tigger. I've always missed him, but now that I don't know where he is, I'm more worried than usual.
I haven't written in this journal for a while, in general, because I really felt it was silly for me to post my feelings publicly, when I feel I'm a private person.
But sometimes, you just want to feel like you're being heard by someone other than yourself.
So I'm posting here tonight.
I feel like we are poor, dirt poor. I know that's not technically true, but that's the way I feel.
Ever since I can remember my mother has encouraged me to get a job that pays well.
This is hard for me. Because everytime I think I've found a career I might be interested in......I'm scared to pursue it because I fear I won't make enough money.
It's really hard.
Anywho, sometimes I feel so inadequate. It's just stupid.
I miss feeling independent. I really miss it.
But I don't know what to do. I don't want to fail, and I feel like I've failed so much already.
I don't want to disappoint my parents any further.
I feel like I don't know what I'm doing or where I'm going.
I'm involving myself in different activities, and I truly believe that'll help out a lot.
I wish I weren't so emotional. I feel like such an emotional person sometimes, like a baby.
I have so many feelings. I don't know how to deal with them, I just keep them under control....and very well for the most part.
I'm feeling them more now...my feelings...they seem more profound than before.
How am I supposed to get through life like this? I've been managing, but that simply isn't good enough.
I'm in a frustrating place in my life. Hopefully going to church regularly is going to help me out a lot.
I need to find my purpose in this life.
I need to know what I'm meant to do..so I can get on with it.
Thanks for listening.
"The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure."
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