Mom too nosey or reasonable?

[Ruede]

So here's the situation... I'm a 22 year old lass, but I still live with my parents (and actually my grandparents as well). We're an Eastern European family, and my parents are quite traditional.

 

The other day I put my laptop on standby (or something -- I don't quite remember), but had formerly had gtalk and my email account open. While I was out my mom wanted to go on my laptop, so she did. She saw some message from a guy I'm currently interested in, but nothing has exactly happened with him yet... it's a LONG LONG story, so I won't get into it... anyway, she clicked on whatever it was and, as she later told me, "read my messages".

 

She hasn't yet told me exactly what she read.... lol.. which actually baffles me, because all she keeps saying is that it "sounds like we're together" and it sounds like he... I dunno... is too much of a smooth operator. That is all she's told me.

 

If she read the message given to me by this boy, she will have seen exactly this: "Hey sexy! You there?" If she's read some emails, she may have seen something... I don't even know... nothing terribly incriminating but probably "hey sweetie, I miss you" or something of that sort.

 

My initial reactions to her telling me she saw my account were, "Seriously? You actually feel like you want / need to talk to me about this?" I was baffled that she said it "sounded like I was dating this boy" just because of some agreeably explicit messages. I told her (and I believe) that it doesn't bother me that she clicked on the window, because heck, if I was the mom I would too. But, I went on, it bugs me greatly that she feels the need to discuss with me my feelings / lack of feelings towards this boy I'm talking to.

 

It bothered me much more when, in talking about it, she said... you know, if you ever feel like dating this guy, I think I approve of your ex-boyfriend more than I do him.

 

She never FOUND anything incriminating from my ex-boyfriend, so what gives her the right to say that? I'm bothered because I actually really like this new guy and we've had something going for a long time... but it is a long-distance relationship (again, not going into it too much). I'm not the type of person who goes to her mom -- in part because we don't have a very close relationship... we just don't get along -- about every freaking guy who comes around saying "omg I have a crush".

 

And she's already saying junk about him because of one freaking email and message, or whatever it WAS that she saw. If she actually saw anything from my ex she'd probably think the same thing, and my ex was a great guy... I just knew we couldn't be together in the long run...

 

Am I in the wrong?! I mean jesus. I know friends of mine who have actual relationships and never tell their parents. And they're MY age. I don't actually do that... but I expect that if I'm in the process of "wooing" a guy or whatever, that I'm not going to have my mom feeling like it's her bloody business to see me through every step of the way.

 

I'm really upset because I think this guy is awesome and just because I left my junk able to be accessed she's going to come out with an immediately bad impression of him.

[Clementine orange]

1.) Parents generally try to look out for their kids (especially girls etc)

2.) Parents are nosy...they got used to it from back when the kids were younger and they should be keeping an eye on them.

3.) Parents (and older people) do not know how to correctly interpret young peoples "lingo" I bolded that because some things people say can be totally wide open to misinterpretation...if you don't know one of the communicators and if you are not well versed in how another generation talks then the danger is that one interprets things they way it would be if it were directed at them.

 

"hey sexy" makes it LOOK like "somethings" going on but how are they to know that this might be a common chatty/flirty thing between the two of you - or even two friends for that matter. In your parents generation "hey sexy" might mean there is something happening but in your generation it doesn't.

 

Make sense? I guess I'm trying to excuse/explain your parents "freaking out"

 

On the other hand, your mom reading your chat and email or whatever it was is a GROSS violation of your personal privacy. You are 22, and adult and you have rights to your own privacy and rights to talk to whomever you please. Personally, I would feel very angry at my parents if they did that - it is akin to opening your mail.

 

However, before you come crashing down on your mom, who really does mean well but isn't doing a good job of it, please refer back to points 1 2 and 3 of this post.

 

One thing that might help alot is for you and your mom to communicate more openly and honestly. Talk to her about dating, ask advice even (you don't have to take it), include her in your life - and she will probably be less nosy.

 

It is a give and take situation though.

[Ruede]

I get the "hey sexy" issue, as that definitely came to my mind. It's just frustrating that she's never had a reason TO distrust me or my judgements, yet she does it over something like this. I could be more open with her... but she's just generally someone who wants to know what's going on with everybody, and I'm natural quiet. Plus, I simply do not agree with many of the things she believes I should or should not be doing with my social life. I don't find anything wrong with me not telling her I had a sexual relationship with my last boyfriend because if she found out she would beat me to a pulp, quite literally. So trust me... I do understand this gap in lingo / mindset in general. I just find it frustrating and difficult to deal with, and I feel like I shouldn't have to be in this situation.

[Scorpion Fury]

Unfortunately, you live at home. her house, her rules. If you want freedom and privacy, the only solution I can think of is to move out. Sorry. i guess from now on just don't leave your email and things open so she can see them. And don't save the passwords on your computer.

[Clementine orange]

At the age of 22 you definitely shouldn't have to deal with this. At 15 yes, but not now for sure.

Also, sex discussion (who, what when etc) are personal things and aren't really supposed to be discussed with parents anyway (most really don't want to know). My suggestion about being more open was more about general things rather than specifics.

 

One thing for sure...you can't change people - least of all your parents. Maybe you should think about moving out? This probably isn't going to get any better soon.

 

There has to be a meeting of 1/2 and if your mom isn't willing...I think this is a mistake alot of parents make, and they just end up driving their kids away.

 

I know what Im talking about - my parents were the same way.

[Ruede]

Yeah. When I am out of school I will be leaving. I decided about a year ago this was the only way.

[Ruede]

My suggestion about being more open was more about general things rather than specifics.

 

One thing for sure...you can't change people - least of all your parents. Maybe you should think about moving out? This probably isn't going to get any better soon.

 

There has to be a meeting of 1/2 and if your mom isn't willing...I think this is a mistake alot of parents make, and they just end up driving their kids away.

 

I know what Im talking about - my parents were the same way.

 

You give good advice... I could talk about things more generally, but... I've tried. She loooves specifics. She lives for specifics.

 

*nods* Someone else suggested moving out as well, and I plan on it when school is all finished.

 

I think my mom wants a closer relationship but doesn't realize she also has to work to get it. Today she said to me that she feels I'm not close enough to her, and I told her I feel the same way about her. She laughed, because she knows it's true. She doesn't feel a closeness to me, nor does she REALLY respect me. Hopefully moving out will change things.