qzgwnxl Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 My ex and I broke up about 4 years ago, it was messy, lots of yelling, accusations (mostly towards me, some true, some not). About a year after breaking up she wanted to go to dinner, her, her new boyfriend, and I. I said I would bring along my new girlfriend and she said she quote "couldn't handle that" because "it's inferred that she (the new girlfriend) is better then I am". It was left at that. For the majority of rest of the time she's done nothing but threaten me, belittle me, and generally be verbally abusive. For my part I was an ass sometimes in her eyes, mostly due to not having the money to pay certain bills on time, but I never denied responsibility for them. About 2 months ago she decided she wanted to meet to "move forward" or at least "let the past be the past". I told her at the time that I had no desire to meet, that I saw no reason to, and that I frankly wanted as little to do with her as possible. She was reasonably respectful but persisted, and the possibility of meeting was left on the table. Earlier today she wanted to setup a meeting for next week, however, she refuses to meet with me and my wife, she wants to meet one-on-one. As is her style she's said I'm "socially clueless" if I don't understand "why she shouldn't be there" (my ex saying that about my wife) and that she was not planning on bringing her boyfriend. It's my feeling that if she REALLY wants to move forward, try to be friends, or at the least bury the past there's absolutely no legit reason to meet one-on-one. Also, I feel that it's normal, acceptable, and to a lot of people expected that after such a long peroid of time that significant others would be there as well. (I can't imagine meeting any of my female friends in an explictly private coffee meeting) I've told her that until she's at a point where she can deal with the present and meet my wife with me she can keep her desire to meet to herself. I don't feel uncomfortable meeting her alone, I just see no valid reason why I should. So, obviously the situation has passed, but was I wrong? Is it socially unacceptable to bring a significant other to such a meeting? (It was to be a cup of coffee or whatnot at a coffee shop) To clarify, this is not a "should I meet with her?", it's a "is it socially taboo / unacceptable to bring a current significant other to a meeting like that?" Sidenote: My wife agrees with me. She does not care to have any contact with my ex either, but feels that if my ex refuses to meet both of us there is almost certainly another motive. Link to comment
BellaDonna Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 To clarify, this is not a "should I meet with her?", it's a "is it socially taboo / unacceptable to bring a current significant other to a meeting like that?" No, not at all. Honestly, I don't think you should meet with your ex, at all, because it's clear that your ex is still not treating you with respect: she's said I'm "socially clueless" For the majority of rest of the time she's done nothing but threaten me, belittle me, and generally be verbally abusive Why even bother letting someone like that back into your life in any way, shape, or form? I think both you and your wife should steer clear from your ex- it seems she could only be a negative influence, and she likely only wants to meet with you for self-serving reasons. Link to comment
DN Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 Welcome to eNotAlone, I agree with BellaDonna. What is she expecting from this meeting? It is socially inept for her to suggest and even more so to exclude your ex. Link to comment
penelope13 Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 you are absolutely right on insisting that your ex should accept that you are married now. if your ex would care about you, as a person and friend, she should be happy that you found someone. There is nothing wrong with wanting some closure or final talk and I am pretty sure that your wife would be willing to give you 10min or what alone with your ex, as long as you both feel that your ex respects your new relationship. Link to comment
DN Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 For the majority of rest of the time she's done nothing but threaten me, belittle me, and generally be verbally abusive Why would you want to meet with her so she can be like this again? Link to comment
qzgwnxl Posted July 30, 2008 Author Share Posted July 30, 2008 I agree, and I apprecitate the feedback. My wife would certainly "let" me meet with my ex if that's what I chose to do, as she knows and feels our relationship is secure. As I said, I have an active desire to have as little contact with my ex as possible (including no contact, but that is not currently possible due to old debts being paid off). Any other feelings on this? Is there any legit reason anyone can think of why my ex would want to insist on meeting alone (although in a public place)? Edit: To answer the question of what is she expecting from a meeting: I don't know. She's only said to "let the past be the past" and other things like that, but has never specified a goal. She's suggested "it might be a one time thing". Link to comment
BellaDonna Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 Any other feelings on this? Is there any legit reason anyone can think of why my ex would want to insist on meeting alone (although in a public place)? I can't think of one. Even if it was an extremely private issue and she didn't want your wife to hear it- that could be dealt with over the phone. There's no need to physically meet with you over anything. Link to comment
DN Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 I assume that means you owe her money? Why not set up an automatic payment plan so you don't have to talk to her at all? Link to comment
qzgwnxl Posted July 30, 2008 Author Share Posted July 30, 2008 I assume that means you owe her money? Why not set up an automatic payment plan so you don't have to talk to her at all? Since we were common-law married we had to get a full dissolution of marriage. In that I had to pay off a credit card we had jointly run up, but is in her name. In addition to that her name is a co-signer on a student loan of mine. All payments are made directly to the lenders, and I generally have no contact with her. (Prior to this, I had only heard from her if I was a day late on one or the other accounts) Link to comment
DN Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 In that case I don't see that you need contact her at all providing the payments are made. I would just tell her that meeting or talking to her is not something you want to do. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 I agree, there is no reason to even talk to her if the payments are being made. You have a new life with your wife. This woman just wants to keep the past alive in the present, do not have any contact with her. Good for you for standing up for yourself and respecting yourself and your wife! Link to comment
qzgwnxl Posted July 30, 2008 Author Share Posted July 30, 2008 Thanks for the feedback and support. I feel significantly more confident that I was reasonable and correct for insisting it was not a one-on-one meeting. I'm not exactly sure why things like that still bother me from someone who has acted the way she has and has treated me the way she has for so long, I suppose it's just one of those lasting effects that people can have on one another. Thanks again. P.S. I'll continue to read any other responses, but big thanks to those who already contributed. Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.