GUYS: Where'd my Prince Charming go & why? Is he gone?

[havefaith]

So things were going so well, and I just need help figuring out what's in his head, what changed, if anything.

 

I was in a really toxic relationship, my first love, basically holding on though I wasn't being treated right because let's face it, I didn't know what I was looking for, or what the warning signs were, or quite frankly how to let go in general.

 

But then someone came along who showed me how much I deserved. Biggest problem has always been that he lives in the same hall at college as the first love BF, so we have all the same guy friends and all that. Anyway it all started off innocent -- me and the new guy just studied together a lot, had the same classes and stuff. At the time my BF wasn't there for me... like wouldn't study with me and would just sketch off, go be alone & weird when I asked him to study with me. So, naturally I found new study company, big deal.

 

Unrelatedly, the BF & I decided a split was in order just after everything... he was unsure of us, and I had started realizing enough was enough. Of course we only half-ended it ... we were broken up but having an open relationship basically.

 

I confessed to the new guy I had a crush on him, and he reluctantly admitted he felt the same but didn't know what to do because the previous BF was a mutual friend, one of the "guys", etc.

 

The new guy continued to treat me like I was 125 lbs of GOLD for the rest of the year ... he would come to the library even if he didn't really have much to do, just to be with me, we would text all day every day, had amazing chemistry and just a fluid kind of chemistry. He was ALWAYS there for me in ways my xBF just never was. I found I didn't miss the old guy at all, I was realizing my worth.

 

Of course summer came and messed the whole thing up. I studied abroad for 6 weeks and the new guy e-mailed me nonstop, always on AIM looking for me, encouraging me to call him just whenever I could. Finally he sent me a huge tub of candy -- an inside joke between us really. accross THE ATLANTIC. At this point I'm just freaked out... I wasn't over the ex completely, we were still in contact, which I know is bad.

 

I finally broke it to the new guy that I didn't think he should drive accross the country to come see me when I got home to the states, something he really wanted to do. I just felt like it would be jumping into something, plus I live in the same hometown as the old guy, the logistics seemed all wrong so I ran.

 

Pretty soon after I got back to the U.S., the new guy slowly but surely drops off the face of the earth. We live about 12 hours apart when we are home for summer, yet I live in the same town as the old BF. He went abroad for 10 days, during which time I kind of spilled my guts to him in an email, telling him I missed him and basically wanted to "pick" him over my old BF... he didn't respond to me so I finally called and he said he wasn't sure if it was because we hadn't seen each other since the spring, but he just wanted to start the year as good friends, and he could see it happening or not happening ... but that he still liked me. And when he's at home he likes to only talk to home friends? And he hasn't been in contact with anyone from school so it's not just me? hmm...

 

My question is, what the hell? He isn't contacting me really anymore... a few light text messages, things I initiate mostly. This is the contact MASTER we're talking about.

 

What happened? Did he get fed up? What happened to "heal yourself this summer and I hope something happens in the fall"? Is his pride wounded from my lack of responding to his over-contacting me when I was abroad? He sent me like 17 emails and I think I sent 2. Is it the old guy? Another girl? Guys, what do you think?

[bijoux27]

You basically told him that he was moving too fast, right, so maybe he realized that and is giving your lives some space at least til school starts. I mean that's the advice that is given out on these boards all the time. I guess you hurt his feelings. Plus he gives you 17 e-mails and you give 2 of them..maybe he's not getting the level of attention he wants?

[T84]

Well, if I were in his shoes, the second that you told me that "I shouldn't make the drive to come see you" that is a big rejection to me when I'm telling you that I WANT to make that drive to see you. And depending on how long it took you to write that e-mail/called me telling me your feelings will depend on how i feel about you, if you took too long i would of told myself "screw it" before i heard from you, and after i heard from you i would think about it and see what happens later WHEN/IF i see you again.

 

He invested a lot of feelings into it giving you A LOT of his attention, time and effort to get rejected. If he sent you 17 e-mails and you only sent 2 in reply, that to me shows me no interest and i should move on.

 

"Once loved can love again" Seems like you really do like this guy. Just show him that you still have interest when you get back to school. You have a 50/50 shot really...

[d24]

yeah really you've got nothing to complain about here.

His timing in trying to make something happen between you two was a little off, but your reaction was a big knock back and major rejection for him.

Chances are he did think "screw her" and has moved on.

Guys (and girls) can be fickle like that.

If I were you I wouldn't waste any more time on him or what 'was' or 'could have been' till you get back to school.

Who knows, maybe that guy who's been scoping you out in the Starbucks wants to hook up? You know what I mean, there's opportunity everywhere if you open your eyes.

 

Tough break, but really, it's your reaction which has led you down this path.

 

(p.s. and he sent you candy transatlantic - you knew he was into you, a lot, imagine how bad that rejection felt for him?!)

[Timebandit]

Is his pride wounded from my lack of responding to his over-contacting me when I was abroad? He sent me like 17 emails and I think I sent 2. Is it the old guy? Another girl? Guys, what do you think?

 

Yes, I think his ego got wounded, from the way you treated him. And now that you are back, you are ready for his attention again? I do hope that HE learns the lesson, that she should maintain his composure while pursuing a girl.

 

And I hope that you learn a lesson too.

 

I think your last shot is to admit to him that you didn't handle it very weel, and that you owe him an apology.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I agree with the other posts. You blew him off and thereforee he got the message and walked away. The question is, why do you want him back all of a sudden. Are you interested in him as a person or are you only interested in the attention he was giving you and are disappointed now that you don't have attention lavished on you. Let it go for now and see what happens when you get back to school.

[kuhl282000]

Well if your a guy or gal you have to be #1 .......if you put the shoes on the other foot and put yourself in his position how would you feel if he were telling you about another girl .....more then likely you would not like it at all.

 

You can't go from number 1 back to #2 and feel good about it....no one wants to be #2 ........and surely not me ....not ever........when your playing the field with people its best to fess up in the very beginning and let everone know the truth.

 

I found it works better that way...if you want this guy, you'll have to tell him your sorry and that you made a mistake....and then he decides weather he wants you back of not ....

 

Good Luck .....hope you get him back

 

Kuhl

[Crush85]

If I was the guy, I would have felt rejected too. Sounds to me like you miss the attention he was giving you more than anything else. But to answer your question, it could be one of two things: 1) he either lost interest in you, or 2) he's giving you your "space" and giving you time to figure out what you want to do.

[havefaith]

Hey all, thanks for the advice. I want to clarify something.

 

The reason I rejected him originally was because the breakup with my 3 year boyfriend was so fresh at the time. Of course though I didn't want to be I was still in love with the old guy, though did want to move on. It's like I could see myself moving on but I wasn't quite there, and he was going so fast. When we were at school I was moving at the same speed with him, but then when I stepped away, I realized it wasn't going to do anyone any good to jump right in. And he kept telling me he would be patient with my healing process, so I thought I could slow things down.

 

Now I've had this entire summer to think it all through and he's the guy I want to give it a shot with. I don't think it's that crazy that it took me some space to see that.

 

I DID call him/email him and tell him straight up that I still really like him and don't want to be with anyone else ... when we finally talked he said he just wanted to wait til school and go in as good friends. It's like I fessed up, apologized and put myself out there, but now he "doesn't want to lead me on"... the tables have totally turned, I feel like he's retaliating or something.

[Timebandit]

 

I DID call him/email him and tell him straight up that I still really like him and don't want to be with anyone else ... when we finally talked he said he just wanted to wait til school and go in as good friends. It's like I fessed up, apologized and put myself out there, but now he "doesn't want to lead me on"... the tables have totally turned, I feel like he's retaliating or something.

 

He was likely hurt by your decisions, and he might just be protecting himself. He could also have "lost the spark" from what happened. And no matter what, no one can blame him for that.

 

You have to give him time, to let him find his way. Whatever, that might be...

[havefaith]

I feel awful that I hurt him but I feel like I was honest the whole time. I kept telling him I needed this whole summer to get over my 3 yr relationship, that I was terrified of hurting him. I ALWAYS did my best to be honest ... I kept telling him I wasn't ready, but I really liked him.

 

I think you're dead on when you saw he lost the spark, he sort of said that on the phone and said he "wasn't sure if it's because we haven't seen each other since May" ... I just hope things can go back to normal in the fall. We have a class together so it'll be pretty clear right off the bat.

[jenny_mcs]

I think if you are honest about what's been going on, you'll see why this guy backed off. I just read your other recent thread, and in it you say that you were hooking up with some other guy during your study abroad program, and since you've been back in your hometown you've been sleeping with your ex.

 

I think you liked all the attention form this guy, while at the same time feeling free to hook up with other guys whenever you felt like it. Honestly. I don't really blame him for backing off, because even if it wasn't intentional, you were using him.

 

Just take a deep breath and see what happens when school resumes.

[havefaith]

Jenny, you are right on and I know it. I have been honest with myself and I agree with you. The timing was just really bad with him.

 

Thing is, I'm really not interested in hooking up with other guys anymore... I had my rebound stage or whatever. Even my ex, I could have him if I wanted him, he has been giving me attentions so it's not like I solely want attention because I already have that.

 

Time and space has shown me that I had a really amazing guy after me. I just wonder if it's beyond repair. We were doomed from the start I feel.

[jenny_mcs]

Yeah, it was bad timing, which no one can help. If I remember correctly, your ex was your first bf, so getting out of that and right into another serious relationship would not have been a good move.

 

So, you know, things my not work out with this particular guy, but I think what you did- have a flirtation while you were abroad, got your ex out of your system once and for all- these things will end up being best for you, in the long run.

 

So I would just evaluate how you feel once you get back to school and see this guy. I would just consider it a clean slate- don't bring up the summer, don't bring up how into you he was spring semester, etc. Just start from scratch!

[T84]

I DID call him/email him and tell him straight up that I still really like him and don't want to be with anyone else ... when we finally talked he said he just wanted to wait til school and go in as good friends. It's like I fessed up, apologized and put myself out there, but now he "doesn't want to lead me on"... the tables have totally turned, I feel like he's retaliating or something.

 

He's not retaliating, he's more protecting himself, he was already hurt and nothing you can really say to bring him out of it with a snap of a finger. It's gonna take time, maybe faster then you think once he sees you and that your actually serious about it.

More then likely he's just going to see where it goes and he's not going to put in as much effort as he did before.

[havefaith]

Thanks to you both.

 

Honestly I am okay with getting less attention from him next time around... like there has to be something inbetween a billion emails/transatlantic gifts and now talking very rarely.

 

Do you guys think it makes sense that even if I initiate he doesn't really want to get into it? Like even if I call it doesn't really him want to talk more. I guess I thought me admitting my feelings and my healing process would at least open him up to conversation ... what has he got to lose by talking to me? Is he really that hurt or just afraid of messing it up?

 

Also I'm so nervous about going back to school. I don't know what kind of terms to be on with my ex ... right now we are acting way too coupley, I want space from him but I want him in my life. We are high school sweethearts and more of best friends than anything else. We have many mutual friends and all the parties and social gatherings take place over where he lives. If I do pursue the new guy, the old guy will see us together a lot.

 

Anyone have tips on how to proceed?? It's like my fear of losing one of them is causing me to lose them all.

[LBP]

Your ex know about all this?

[havefaith]

I guess not fully. He saw us getting closer at the end of the year and told all of his friends to not be upset or angry with me nor the new guy, because we were broken up and it was only fair. He has never come to me about it though. It's not really any of his business considering he mostly initiated all the break ups.

[LBP]

Fair enough. You are leading him on at the moment, though. Might change his tune.

 

And, like it or not, things are going to change between him and the other fellow. If Prince Charming views your ex as a good friend, that could certainly be a consideration in his decision making.

[havefaith]

Yeah, I know things will change between them. They are not super tight, it's kind of like a big group of guys, so they have all the same friends, but as for their individual relationship it isn't a big friendship.

 

Back in the spring Prince Charming (PC) insisted and asserted over and over he wouldn't let the guys get in the way of this decision, and if they were his real friends, they would stick by him. I mean as for him still feeling that way, who knows, maybe he decided I'm just some girl who isn't worth it.

 

I'm mostly worried about transitioning into some sort of functioning friendship with old BF, who is so tied into my life, who I would miss dearly if he wasn't around. The situation is gonna get so hairy when it comes to parties and social gatherings, we all go to the same functions ... I can't even THINK about their hall's dances when the guys have to ask dates.

 

Will this work itself out or is there something I have to do to take the bull by the horns?

[LBP]

I think you know what you've got to do. Be honest with your ex and wait for school to start. Not much else you can do. I think you've fired all the bullets in your chamber, with re: to PC. You shut him down and he pulled away, which is understandable. Now you're on the offensive and he's on the defensive. Stay cool - you'll see him later.

 

Just be the best person you can be, going forward.

[havefaith]

I'm afraid of opening up pandora's box with my ex. Right now sleeping dogs are lying, but I know it can't go on like this forever, especially if I want to move on. Is it possible for us to be friends? I need to stop acting like a half couple with him if I ever want PC or anyone else for that matter. How in the world do I proceed? I want to maintain my lifestyle at school... is that impossible?

[T84]

I'm afraid of opening up pandora's box with my ex. Right now sleeping dogs are lying, but I know it can't go on like this forever, especially if I want to move on. Is it possible for us to be friends? I need to stop acting like a half couple with him if I ever want PC or anyone else for that matter. How in the world do I proceed? I want to maintain my lifestyle at school... is that impossible?

 

First off, if your still sleeping with your ex and you guys still act like 1/2 couples even though you guys are "broken up" there is no way that sexual tension between you two will die. It's been a 3 year relationship the only way you guys will be friends is not to talk for awhile almost having to cut him out of your life, if your willing to keep going back and have fun with your EX he's going to keep on taking it, he might be looking for another woman as well kinda think about it there is a high chance of it because you guys are not the "same" as you were, at this point it's more LUST then anything.

 

It's hard, I know, when you get pisted off at yourself and tired of what's going on, you will see what i'm talking about.

[Zeitgeist]

I'm afraid of opening up pandora's box with my ex. Right now sleeping dogs are lying, but I know it can't go on like this forever, especially if I want to move on. Is it possible for us to be friends? I need to stop acting like a half couple with him if I ever want PC or anyone else for that matter. How in the world do I proceed? I want to maintain my lifestyle at school... is that impossible?

Pretty much, yes. I read this story with much interest, b/c it is VERY similar to my own story. I'm "PC" in your story. In my case I'm waiting for a girl to get over her 5 yr relationship with an ex (she broke up with him). But I won't wait forever and I'm already at the point where I'm losing my feelings for her b/c I'm building up my defenses in order to avoid getting hurt. I've spent so much time and energy in putting myself out there. And while I never say it, it hurts when it's not reciprocated. In fact, more so than a flat out rejection, because at least then, you know where you stand. And like you she's been very honest about her confusion with her ex-bf. I've been okay with her confusion, because I get it. It's difficult getting over an ex you've been with that long. But it still hurts. And the pain causes you to withdraw. That withdrawal has an effect on your feelings for the other person.

 

I know she likes me very much, but her indecisiveness is making me feel insecure about our relationship. Thus, I've started the process of building walls. And I can tell you right now, if she came to me and told me she'd want to be with me, I would NOT do it. Not to say that I wouldn't ever, but I'd definitely want to wait and see. Especially if she wasn't even near enough for me to see her.

 

The problem here is that you want PC in your life (a new person), but you want nothing else in your life to change (the ex in your life). That can't happen. At least not now. You still have feelings for your ex. And while you keep seeing him, you will continue to have feelings for him. And while you continue to have feelings for him, you will always be conflicted with PC and cannot establish a real, and meaningful relationship with him. B/c if you do, you will at some point, have a rough patch. And in those rough patches, you will find yourself going to your ex for support b/c 1) he's still in your life, 2) you still have feelings for him. You are setting yourself up for future conflict.

 

Realize that there are no right or wrong choices, just choices. You have to make one and you have to stick by it. If it turns out to be a mistake later, so be it. You adjust. But if you don't make a real choice (and telling him you "picked" him doesn't count - he knows this), you risk losing it all. It's possible for you to be friends with your ex in the future, but only when enough time and space have erased your feelings for him and you can truly fully devote yourself to someone else. If you're going to "pick" PC, then you need to stay away from the ex as much as possible. Not just for PC, but for yourself as well. If you keep him around while you still have feelings for him, this is what will happen: you will forget all the bad things about him and why you two didn't work out. One day you will find yourself in the situation of wondering why you couldn't give it another shot, b/c you miss so many of the great things about him. I'm guessing that PC knows this as well as I do. In which case, the question that will run through his mind is: "Why should I go out on a limb for a girl who won't go out on a limb for me?"

[havefaith]

Thanks so much for the replies.

 

Zeit, your reply was so insightful, thank you. I wish more than anything I had stuck with the original plan my ex and I had ... not talking all summer. I should have just let my father come and pick me up from campus rather than drive home with him for 13 hrs, it opened up this whole thing, and now I'm stuck, and feel like all the old reasons for me to be angry with him are getting irrelevant or something. But they aren't, and they shouldn't be. More than likely nothing will change though he says it will.

 

Is the girl you like still talking with her ex? I hope you know how hard her spot is. Hopefully you aren't friends with/share all the same friends as her ex, like PC & my ex do I like PC so much, I hope the dust settles when I see him again. In the meantime I don't know what to do about my ex ... we act more like best friends most of the time, I want to keep it that way. But maybe we just shouldn't talk? This is all way harder than it should be, and I know hindsight is 20/20. I made the best decision I could back then, but I wish I had stuck with the original plan, PC and I might be a lot better off right now...

 

Feels like I've gone backwards and I don't know to get back in drive.