Pain is not a surprise given the situation I embrace ... but today was particulary bad

[Rosie007]

For the record, I already know I'm in a screwed up relationship and have been for the past two years. I'm a fool in love, but I'm not stupid.

 

Right now I just need to be where I am, to vent what's bugging me.

 

I'm in an uncommitted relationship. Just read a great book called, "He's Afraid, She's Afraid." From what I can tell we're both commitmentphones. He's the active commitmentphobe. I'm the passive one, who gets to pretend like I want a commitmenet and I'm the hurt party. Everbody wins/loses, so to speak.

 

The guy I'm seeing -- feels ridiculous to call him my boyfriend, even after two years -- just got back from a [agan festival, where he's been camping for the past 12 days.

 

For the record, I was not invited. I wasn't invited last year either. Don't expect to ever be invited. Don't have any expectations -- except to be hurt and disappointed, I guess.

 

I thought he was going to be back last night. Wasn't able to establish he was OK until this afternoon. I even woke up at 5:00 in the morning, worried about him.

 

He finally got home and now he's acting all defensive. Hate to say it but I don't expect him to be faithful to me while he's away. Heck, he's not faithful to me while he's here, and refuses to make any kind of commitment to me. So I don't expect fidelity. (yeah, yeah, I know ... foolish me, I deserve better, etc., etc.)

 

It's upsetting me that he's acting all defensive, like he's guilty of something. Seeing how I don't hold him accountable, I don't understand why he'd feel guilty.

 

We've broken up three times in the past year. Each time he's orchestrated the break up. Each time I've let him go. Each time he comes back. His pattern is to break up with me right when we're getting really close.

 

The book I'm reading suggests that when we start getting really close, he get's panicked, claustrophobic, angry, resentful, ambivalent ... and most likely attributes these feelings to me, instead of owning his own fears of commitment.

 

Naturally that means I can never quite trust the good times because one part of me knows that just when things are going really great, he's gonna snap. Feels like he's already starting the process of pushing me away.

 

When he called me last week from campground, he was so sweet. I've never heard him be quite so relaxed and open. I was so happy to hear how happy he was. For various reasons, I got the sense the he was able to be open to all of his feelings for me. My guess is that since that call he either met someone he likes a lot while he was away, or he's starting to panic about the loving feelings he was free to have while we were nine hours apart, since we're going to be logistically close again.

 

This is my first long-term relationship -- or whatever it could be called -- in my adult life. I was able to be alone for 43 years. Sure, I might not have been ecstatic about it, but I never, ever needed to have someone close to me. I'm blessed with great friends, have always led an active life, and have an exciting career (not just a job).

 

After having my first consistent relationship, I *hate* the way I feel now: Afraid to be alone. Dependent. Wanting. Vulnerable. Exposed. A sitting duck.

 

I don't feel comfortable sharing here much anymore. As I already know I'm in an unhealthy situation, it seems kind of pointless to talk about it. I know I need to be willing if I want help -- and I'm not.

 

I'm not ready to be alone again, and I don't want to let him go.

 

Today was the worst day I've had in a long, long time. Just needed to express myself.

 

Also, it's my birthday in about 10 days, and I generally have a huge meltdown around my birthday. Last year he was great about my birthday, and was willing to do whatever I wanted. This year I'm having a party. Until today, I thought there was a good chance he'd show up for me. Based on the past day's events, I won't be surprised if he starts withdrawing again.

 

I don't have the fortitude for another upheaval. Three weeks ago I had to put my baby to sleep -- my dog, who was going to be 13 in August. He was great for the whole ordeal. Still, I'm already brokenhearted, I'm already off-center because of my birthday, and But what the heck, if he's going to bail, he's going to bail, and my state of being won't register into his actions.

 

I know I need a new life. Unfortunately my system registers this nonsense as love. Please send good energy my way so I'll have the ability to take better care of myself a little more each day.

 

Hopefully I can get some sleep as I have a big day tomorrow.

[7li7ja]

Judging from your post, it sounds like you don't really want advice. You sound like an intelligent, successful woman who happens to be in a pretty self-destructive relationship pattern. It happens. I'm not going to put you down, tell you how much better you can do, or criticize your lifestyle. My opinion doesn't matter, if you are content living this way then there’s not much anyone can do until you decide its time to change.

 

That said, it’s obvious to me that this guy has chosen you as a girlfriend of convenience. It’s also obvious that the reason he keeps coming back to you is bc he knows he can. In some ways that might be the ideal thing for a guy - he gets to pick and choose when he feels like being in a "relationship." Then, when things get too heavy, he can run away and be with whom ever he chooses - Always knowing that he can go back to his "girlfriend" bc she understands his fear of commitment. I guess, in a way, you've become an enabler for him. I wonder what would happen if he thought he couldn't come back. Would he still choose to leave? Who knows. He doesn’t seem like the kind of guy that will ever really settle down and be faithful. Maybe you’re OK with that, maybe you’re not, but for your sake- I hope you’re not waiting around hoping one day he'll change.

 

Well, you seem to have a very good understanding of your situation, how you got there and why. You recognize the destructive pattern you are in and admit you’re not ready to change. I guess in some ways that's admirable. Some people spend years living in denial. The first step to fixing a problem is recognizing that one exists. I believe that eventually you will know when its time to move on and you will. It will take time, but you'll get through it.

 

Also, I'm sorry for the loss of your dog. I know how hard that can be - I just had to put my 10 year old Saint Bernard down. It really does feel like you’re losing a great friend. So, my condolences on your loss.