Thinking of sending her this....based on "How to get Ex back"...Should I??

[Hopeful99]

If you need very specific details on my past relationship you can read past past threads below. I just want to know if sending this would do any good.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Basically I have exhausted all hope, she was very loving for a while then put me on an emotional rollercoaster for 6 months before breaking up. One week was madly in love, the next needed space, etc. Finally ended by telling me she wanted to marry me – dumped me two days later – and progressively distanced to the point now where she will look the other way every time she sees me at work – like we are complete strangers.

 

I am still bothered by how this all went down and read in a book “ How to get Ex back”…that I could send her a letter and agree – as well as making some open ended comments about improving. Might catch her off target – she did mention in one of the posts below it was good we were not dating because we were both too busy…so I think I am on her miond sometimes. And honestly, I am a much better person than I was a year ago – just much more whole, understood where I needed to improve, etc. Not really in terms of how I treat others but in regards to self improving me. BTW - I am less interested in getting her back at the moment than trying to get her guard down and rekindle a friendship.

 

So I was thinking about sending her this:

 

Hi XXXXX

 

Hope you don’t feel offended getting this but I just wanted to tell you something. I owe you a big “Thanks” for doing what you did with us. This time has allowed me to focus on some things and really become a much better person than I was before for me and the people in my life. I have grown a lot and had some really positive things happen as a result. I am sure things are going well for you to, which is all I ever wanted. Maybe we can even be friends again some day.

 

Take care

 

XXXXX

[Ellie2006]

I havent read the book that you mention but I wouldnt send the email.

[thouse]

I havent read the book that you mention but I wouldnt send the email.

I agree with the above poster. I put myself in her shoes while reading your letter and I thought it made you look weak.

[Ellie2006]

Well, I dont know if the letter makes you look weak BUT I think I would question WHY you'd feel the need to tell your ex that "you've grown a lot and have become a much better person than before." Isn't it better to SHOW her, rather than TELL her (I understand that you two work together)?

 

If she was coming out of an abusive divorce #3 a couple months prior to your relationship, maybe you should leave her be to deal with her issues.

 

Just a thought.

[browneyedgirl36]

I honestly don't think I'd take any advice in one of those "How to Get an Ex Back" books. I truly believe there is nothing you can actively *do* to *get an ex back* unless that person really, truly wants to come back and makes that decision on his or her own, without any influence from you.

 

I agree with the others about sending the letter...it just seems as if you're saying it just to get her back, not because you mean it...and, since you admitted you read that book, at least to some extent you ARE just saying it to get her back.

 

The best thing you can do is to continue on with your life, continue making improvements in yourself, etc., and is she changes her mind and wants you back, so be it. If not, you'll be doing better and moving forward.

[pinkelephant]

if that book advices you to write that letter, burn that book and sue the author!!!

 

 

okay, don't sue them but do throw out that book. lol, we've all been there... we wanted to write something that would make them come running back to us, we have been desperate. but don't be desperate, or at least don't let her see that you are. desperation is a turn off and she's not an idiot. she'll see right through it.

[D_Lish]

I also don't think that there is anything you do, to bring an ex back. They only come back, if they want to come back....

 

You two have been split up for a year, you work with her and yet she doesn't even acknowledge your existence anymore and simply looks the other way...

 

If you two have been split up a year and you were with her twenty months, then that makes it a total of nearly three years since she came out of a divorce. If she'd needed time to resolve issues, which is the reason she gave you for ending your relationship, then you'd think those issues would've been resolved before now.....yet she hasn't come back.

 

I'd let her go...

[Hopeful99]

I just don't understand why we she ignores me. When we broke up she told me I treated her/kid better than she could ever ask....and I was paying for "sins of her past".....but now it i slike I am a leper.

 

I have been NC for 2 mos at least.....

 

Why the complete ignoring of me.....she had always told me how much she vakued me and always wanted me in her life one way or another and then it was like poof.....she hates me......

 

What gives?

[D_Lish]

I just don't understand why we she ignores me.

 

Perhaps she ignores you, because she doesn't want to give you *false hopes* of a reconciliation.

 

This is why I'd ignore an ex anyway.

[Hopeful99]

I am not sure being friends leads to false hopes - kind of cold if you ask me. I wonder is she is scared to talk to me - she told me right after we broke up that if we got together we would have sex.....so I wonder if she is still attracted to me but just afraid - even when the relationship was good she seemed to try and pull away and admitted that she might be trying to self-sabatoge it....

 

I just feel like dying some days that there is no hope for my future and I am going end up all alone

[D_Lish]

I am not sure being friends leads to false hopes - kind of cold if you ask me.

 

But it does and can lead to *false hopes*, for the *dumped* party if you chat with them and continue to remain their friend. This is why *just friends*, never usually works and particularly if one party still has strong feelings for the other. I would just totally and completey ignore an ex, if I knew he still had a thing for me. Cold, yes! But sometimes you have to be *cruel to be kind*.

 

It's obvious that you are after more than *just friends*, hence reading books that advise *How To Get Your Ex Back*. ...and say she were to come around and be your friend, she would soon pick up on the fact you were after more and if she didn't want more, she'd run for the hills once more....and you are back at square one.

 

 

I wonder is she is scared to talk to me - she told me right after we broke up that if we got together we would have sex.....so I wonder if she is still attracted to me but just afraid - even when the relationship was good she seemed to try and pull away and admitted that she might be trying to self-sabatoge it....

 

She was prepared to have you as a *friend with benefits* with then. Is she still alone, or does she have another guy in her life?

 

I just feel like dying some days that there is no hope for my future and I am going end up all alone

 

Well....we've all felt that way at one time or another and the majority, if not all of us go on, to find someone else more worthy, of investing our time in.

[renaissancewoman101]

The stuff in bold, I don't see that as being kind. I see that as being hurtful, esp if the ex was willing to put up with hell to be your friend.

[kuhl282000]

She may ba an angry person deep down and you may have not lived up to her maybe even false expetations ........and maybe she is still mad ......and maybe this is a way of making you pay ......I think angry women just end up moving on ......they can do it quick and without remorse .....and leave a wake of heartbreak in their path ......others have kind compassion and care .......just because they once cared does not mean they care today .......time to move on ....I just broke up with one that is mad at me .......so I really know what your going through and what I'm saying.

 

It's hard but somehow I wake up everyday and take another step forward without her. I have old loving email and saved voice mail messages ......and her loving voice mails saved on my cell .....now in the archives. But today she is not talking to me, nor does she want to be my friend .......and that really hurts ......so today I don't ask anymore only because I don't want to feel the pain of rejection anymore....and most of all I can't beg.

 

Good luck to all of us lonely broken hearts in here ........God Bless us all and may we find some peace and compassion soon.

 

Kuhl

[giggle3474]

Hopeful,

 

What is your objective in sending that letter? While I don't disagree with sending her a letter, I don't think you are sending the right message. To me, the letter makes you sound kind of arrogant in a way. If you want to send her a letter and tell her what you have learned/ how you have changed, I don't think you should thank her for that because it almost sounds sarcastic.

 

Ask yourself what you hope to achieve by sending her a letter. How will you feel if you don't get the reaction you are hoping for? Will this set you back on any progress you've made so far? Obviously what you have done up until this point has not been working for you, so it just seems like common sense to do the opposite of what you have been doing. Have you been trying to convince and still contacting her throughout your break up? Then take the NC approach. Make your life fulfilled and enjoyable and happy without her in it. Chances are, she'll see that and want to be part of it and if not - you're no worse off for it.

 

Good luck!

[deang]

I sent a letter like this albeit it was only 3wks after the breakup and while I was clearly desperate I knew in the long run what happened was one of the best things that happened to me. The reaction I got from her was negative though...she was kind of mad at me and I'm not sure whether it was good or bad but 5 weeks after I sent it ...I actually don't think it's a big deal...it may have set back my hopes of reconciling but after awhile you start to realize that whatever is said will be forgotten in time. In general, the more you say the longer it will take so I'll probably have to vote no in this case and say don't send the letter.