What do I expect when "We are back together"

[CoCo2009]

I told my ex we couldn't see eachother anymore because I was tired of being in Limbo land and he said he wanted to get back together because he didn't want to lose me. I am wondering if I should still take it slow and just work it out slowly? I'm confused because we just got back together on Sunday but since we used to live together and we don't know it still feels weird. I know we arent' going to move right back in together but what do we do now? We were together for 5 years and broke up on June 5. I'm still working on my trust issues and insecurities also. Thanks

[DN]

I never know what 'taking it slow' actually means in practical terms.

[happilytogether]

take it slow...don't jump right into the sex....see if he really is all about the relationship and not just sex....trust issues, have him prove to you that you have nothing to worry about...start as if you were just starting a new realationship and don't know him so well.

[SchecterGuy]

Do not create expectations based on the initial contact. Emotions are going to be running high and you guys may do things that you normally would not have done while together. Take a personal inventory of what you expect in the future and keep it realistic.

[CoCo2009]

I never know what 'taking it slow' actually means in practical terms.

 

lol me neither. I am taking it slow on the sex you know not just jumping right into that. Umm... I think thats it

[CoCo2009]

Do not create expectations based on the initial contact. Emotions are going to be running high and you guys may do things that you normally would not have done while together. Take a personal inventory of what you expect in the future and keep it realistic.

 

what do you mean by "do not create expectations based on the initial contact" ? thanks

[SchecterGuy]

what do you mean by "do not create expectations based on the initial contact" ? thanks

Basically there is going to be a lot more affection initially and a lot more effort to fix the relationship. Probably more than is needed. This will wear off very quickly. As was said before try to start as if it was a newrelationship.

[CoCo2009]

Oh okay I think I understand

[DN]

lol me neither. I am taking it slow on the sex you know not just jumping right into that. Umm... I think thats it

Well, be careful with that one. Don't make it look like you are refusing sex as some sort of punishment.

 

Decide whether you are starting over with a new relationship or resuming the old one with a view to making it better. I think the second option is usually a better choice.

 

Resuming a relationship to make it better means that you take steps to stop doing the things that hurt or damaged the relationship and begin or enhance things that made it good. If sex was one of the good things then it is not necessarily wise to refuse to engage.

 

Good sex with a partner is part of loving them and once you have found that it is hard to stop or delay without disconnecting some of that emotional aspect to the relationship as well as the sexual.

 

Having sex can complicate matters it is true - but refusing it can sometimes make matters worse.

 

I think you would be wise to concentrate more on fixing the bad things and not over-analysing sex.

[pinkelephant]

if i remember right, he said this while you guys were doing a fwb thing right? you guys are not having sex now..?

[Infin1ty]

I told my ex we couldn't see eachother anymore because I was tired of being in Limbo land and he said he wanted to get back together because he didn't want to lose me. I am wondering if I should still take it slow and just work it out slowly? I'm confused because we just got back together on Sunday but since we used to live together and we don't know it still feels weird. I know we arent' going to move right back in together but what do we do now? We were together for 5 years and broke up on June 5. I'm still working on my trust issues and insecurities also. Thanks

 

I've been wondering the same thing if me and my girl get back together, because we lived together, and I really don't know what to expect when we get back together.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I absolutely agree. Too many people think that reconciling means starting over from scratch. You can't erase the history you have with someone. Reconciling means fixing the problems in the relationship so that those problems don't happen again. It doesn't mean erasing all the positive things and acting like they never happened. You can't act like it is the first few weeks of a new relationship. You should build on the strengths you had as a couple and work on fixing the weaknesses. As long as both of you are committed to making this work then there shouldn't be any witholding of sex. Sex is not a bargaining tool.

[GoldenHillGuy]

I absolutely agree. Too many people think that reconciling means starting over from scratch. You can't erase the history you have with someone. Reconciling means fixing the problems in the relationship so that those problems don't happen again. It doesn't mean erasing all the positive things and acting like they never happened. You can't act like it is the first few weeks of a new relationship. You should build on the strengths you had as a couple and work on fixing the weaknesses. As long as both of you are committed to making this work then there shouldn't be any witholding of sex. Sex is not a bargaining tool.

 

I agree........to a point.

 

Depends on the situation of course. If genuine intimacy (not just sex) was an issue in the relationship, that should be worked on BEFORE jumping back into bed. I'm just speaking from my own experience. I have an intimacy problem I need to work on. I love sex, but have little intimacy, if that makes sense. If me and my ex start working things out, I think we should hold off on the sex, and work on genuine intimacy. Stuff like holding hands, kissing, touching, and the like without the notion of sex behind it is what I'm referring to. Just my opinion FWIW.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I agree........to a point.

 

Depends on the situation of course. If genuine intimacy (not just sex) was an issue in the relationship, that should be worked on BEFORE jumping back into bed. I'm just speaking from my own experience. I have an intimacy problem I need to work on. I love sex, but have little intimacy, if that makes sense. If me and my ex start working things out, I think we should hold off on the sex, and work on genuine intimacy. Stuff like holding hands, kissing, touching, and the like without the notion of sex behind it is what I'm referring to. Just my opinion FWIW.

 

Yes, I absolutely agree with you. Certainly if sex in a relationship was just about having orgasms and not about intimacy then the intimacy issues need to be worked on first before sex is resumed.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

The hurdle to gettng back together is to recognize you still have all the old problems that caused the breakup, plus the hurt, anger, and distrust that is created by a break up.

 

So the first thing that should happen is sitting down and talking about what when wrong, and negotiating solutions to those problems. It doesn't have to be constant discussions, perhaps choose one meal a week, and sit and talk about how to improve the relationship during that meal, including any problems that crop up during the week.

 

There also needs to a concrete agreement that you won't fight, but instead will learn how to discuss and negotiate, and learn techniques on how to commuicate and express feelings without it degenerating into fighting.

 

There are books available to help with this, and for serious long term couples, some marriage counseling might be in order as well.

[CoCo2009]

if i remember right, he said this while you guys were doing a fwb thing right? you guys are not having sex now..?

 

No I made it clear from day one that I wouldn't be his fwb but somtimes when we spent time together we ended up having sex because we are really drawn to eachother. I had to stop it though because I brought out all these bad emotions you know? I'm not thinking about witholding sex. I really mainly need advice on how to handle the clingy didnt call: stuff and how to control my emotions better so that it won't ruin the relationship again. I have been doing well so far.

[DN]

Talk to him about the clingy stuff so he understand where you are coming from. Tell him this is more about you than it is about him but you would really appreciate it if he would help you. Try to get an agreement about how often you need to hear from him - and be flexible so that if he doesn't call for a day or whatever you don't start panicking.

[giggle3474]

No I made it clear from day one that I wouldn't be his fwb but somtimes when we spent time together we ended up having sex because we are really drawn to eachother. I had to stop it though because I brought out all these bad emotions you know? I'm not thinking about witholding sex. I really mainly need advice on how to handle the clingy didnt call: stuff and how to control my emotions better so that it won't ruin the relationship again. I have been doing well so far.

 

 

Do not let him put you in a FWB role. That is going to crush your self esteem and WILL make you more needy, clingy. Aside from that, why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?

 

I can sympathize with what you mean by going slow. I have thought if I am able to get back with my ex, we will also need to go slow. I had thought about going slow on the sex too (making him want me more) but the thing is, you almost have to entirely start over when you have already established a pattern of being needy. Have you worked on yourself so you can recognize those behaviors when the pop up, and do you know how to combat them so that they dont cause problems between you and he?

 

I HIGHLY recommend the book, "Why Men Love B*tches". I found it very powerful and great for being able to see why neediness is not appealing. You will have to be proactive and work hard to keep those toxic behaviors from creeping up again.