i took the advice...

[sine]

and it backfired...

 

from the reverse psychology & the rebound thread...

 

"When you go NC, tell them and tell them in a nice way. Tell them that you both need to move on(that's the big point to make), wish them your love and all the best in their new relationship and actually move on. If they ask, "is this forever" or "do you think we can be friends in the future", point out you don't think that's such a good idea but you never know what the future may bring. Leave it at that. If they call and they will, sooner or later, keep the conversation short and sweet. Do not bring up the old relationship and if they bring up the new one, wish them luck. Mean it. If you don't want the best for her/him, you din't love them in the first place. You're just in selfish panic mode."

 

so she called me the other day & wanted to clear the air about her & the supposed new person who she'd been rumored to be dating. she says she isn't seeing anyone & wanted to discuss it with me.

 

i basically chilled on the message & waited a few days to contact her. i decided it was in my best interest not to call her, so i sent her an email:

 

"First, thanks for calling. I apologize for it being a few days before I got back to you.

 

I know that you want to talk or make amends at this point, and I'm pleased that you feel good enough in yourself to do that. I feel it's not in my best interest to pursue that right now. Please know I'm not mad or bitter about what has happened. Now is not the time to be in contact, but maybe one day we can - you never know what can happen in the future.

 

I want nothing more for you but deep, boundless happiness and true contentment, and I wish you nothing but my love."

 

she mailed back relatively quickly and it was upset that i didn't want to talk.

 

i then made the mistake of mailing back with:

 

"the reason why i didn't want to talk is because i want to be clear on what i feel for you, because to be honest, my feelings for you are very complicated right now. as i said, i think it's great that you know how you feel. i don't. and your response/reaction to my request for some time makes it that much cloudier for me.

 

i never mentioned anything about you seeing someone else in my email to you. and even so, if you were friends, or if it was a hookup-whatever-that's your business & not mine.

 

i will say that it hugely complicated my feelings for you when i was going thru my thing-whether it is true or not. i'm certainly not going to be dumb enough to call you up and ask if it's true. but when i hear from two separate people that you're hanging with some new dude, do you think i'd be dumb enough to hold on to hope for something that looked pretty bad? do you think i even want to be friendly with someone like that? what do you think that does for someone's level of trust just on a person-to person level, whether true or not? i'd have been dumb to wait on someone who a) i'm not with, and even more, b) likes someone better than me.

 

ask yourself that-true or not true, how would you feel? i know how i felt.

 

obviously i'm a little gunshy to just patch things up & open up. i have every reason to be skeptical.

 

so if you want to tell me what happened, and what is your truth is, i'll listen. so be honest-not what you think i want to hear, but what happened. we absolutely will not have any relationship at all if you don't.

 

so i don't want bochinche either-i want the truth. so with all that said, i'm ready to hear it. "

 

baaaahhhhh...i don't think i did the right thing...d'oh!

 

 

[Infin1ty]

I think what you did was right, I'm kinda going through the same thing. I think my ex may be seeing someone else and I'm waiting to hear from her whether or not its true.

[sine]

i know that i've improved as a person. i've done all the things one does post breakup-getting over the bad stuff, being a better person, becoming more physically fit, spiritually aware, etc. but i did this for me. and by me saying, i need to sort out my feelings, i meant it for myself, not her.

 

i feel like i didn't play it close enough to the vest. that what bothers me. my feeling is that she was testing the waters with this other guy & realized the grass isn't greener, so now she's back testing me. fair play. i feel like i failed by saying what i felt.

 

i don't begrudge her for doing it-it's much water under the bridge if it's true & what happened when we parted is her business, not mine. BUT-if it happened, i do want her to be honest about it-if we're friends or what have you. it's not something i'm angry about-i am angry about it if she lies to me, you follow?

 

so shall i leave the ball in her court? have i played my hand?

[IMAbadman]

Hey man I'm sorry for pain... break-ups are a be-yotch.

 

But the facts are;

 

You're broken up. She can see who she wants and do with them as she wants. Guys come on... your not healing if all your wondering is who your EX is boinking. Get some time and space in there. Go meet your own boinking buddy. How do you ever expect to talk with her if you allow her every word and action to effect your emotions and reactions. Pull it together and get tough.

[sine]

Hey man I'm sorry for pain... break-ups are a be-yotch.

 

But the facts are;

 

You're broken up. She can see who she wants and do with them as she wants. Guys come on... your not healing if all your wondering is who your EX is boinking. Get some time and space in there. Go meet your own boinking buddy. How do you ever expect to talk with her if you allow her every word and action to effect your emotions and reactions. Pull it together and get tough.

 

no worries...

 

i said it doesn't matter to me who she sees when we split. her business, not mine. i'm not wondering. i accepted that she was already, whether she is or isn't...that was part of me moving on. BUT-if she brings it up and says she is not (read: not me), then she makes it a point. she wanted to clear the air-again, her-not me.

 

we split in the beginning of june. i got over the main heft of this a few weeks ago & let it go and let her go, took a trip, started dating, moved on as well as i could...i have made a lot of personal progress & growth.

 

then she pops up again and this happens. i was MORE fine before this, but now i am less fine. my main thing is i am trying to maintain it & not fall back into my old ways, you dig? it makes ME want to clear the air...which i feel is a trap for me.

 

would that be a fair assumption? suggestions?

[IMAbadman]

She wanted to clear the air based on your discussion with others, as I understood it.

 

You heard about her possibly seeing other guy(s) and must have mentioned it to mutual friends. This got back to her and she feels obligated to clear the air with you. Correct?

 

Either way staying emotionally unbiased would be best. I see your trying this too.

[sine]

She wanted to clear the air based on your discussion with others, as I understood it.

 

correct.

 

You heard about her possibly seeing other guy(s) and must have mentioned it to mutual friends. This got back to her and she feels obligated to clear the air with you. Correct?

 

i would assume so.

 

Either way staying emotionally unbiased would be best. I see your trying this too.

 

definitely. it's what i'm working on-these sorts of hiccups are, well, destabilizing. i think it's the only way we'll meet in the middle, as friends or otherwise...

 

i think the amazing thing about this is that i've started to acknowledge some clarity in how i feel about myself, her & us (when we were together) only in the past few hours, just in milling it over a bit. in fact, so much so that i can actually see myself prepared to talk about this in a calm & productive manner...i think that's a good step! YAY!

[IMAbadman]

A step forward indeed.

[sine]

i appreciate the help

 

i do hope that time heals this hiccup...

[IMAbadman]

It will. Hang tough. Don't sweat the small stuff.

[sine]

just to update-

 

after i messaged last i'd decided to let it go and not mail back, just to be patient with myself, not panic & just get on.

 

lo, she mailed back a day later & apologized for being upset, said that she's confused about her emotions too but she misses me. i waited a day or so to mail back to reiterate what i'd said before-that is-i need some time to understand how i more clearly feel for myself, that i'm learning some valuable lessons in the meantime and that we will speak in the future.

 

wow. funny that. i feel like that's a minor victory for myself!

[sine]

update:

 

i decided after taking a few weeks to sort myself out, that i was ready to talk. so i called her sunday & left a message saying, "thanx for allowing me some time to sort out my feelings and get clear on some stuff. i'm ready to talk & listen-i think you're right that there has been miscommunication, and though i am still a little cloudy i think talking might help us sort some of this stuff out."

 

so it's been four days & i haven't heard back. i waited roughly four-five days when i got back to her, so i don't know if i'm getting blown off or i've played myself out by doing this.

 

she's tried to contact me twice via phone in the past two months & i've refused her both times (once for my birthday, which was when i found out she'd supposedly hooked up-unknown to her, the other this last time), and i don't know if my lack of communication has put her off for good

 

i believe i have i played my hand & need to be patient. but i don't know if i should initiate contact again if i don't hear from her.

 

anyone been in this position? i want to move this to LC, but i feel i put off the wrong vibe...baaaaah. so frustrated.

[Mayday11]

I'm sure she got her message, just give it some time. I wouldn't recommend a follow up. I know it sucks doing the waiting around, but patience is your best friend here.