Ex e-mailed me out of the blue - need advice!

[coolbloke1978]

Hiya peeps,

I've posted this story before and got some invaluable pointers but for the newbies here it goes again:

 

I had a 2 month fling/affair/ whatever you want to call it with a guy with a boyfriend. (I'm gay). We met on holiday and it just happened he called and text me everyday and was very supportive during some difficult times. It was getting out of hand so I gave him an ultimatum to pick between me or his boyfriend of 2 years.

 

So anyway he couldnt make his mind up and had apparently suffered epileptic seizures caused by stress and was in hospital too. He said he just couldnt deal with making a decision at this point in time with everything going on but yet he didnt want to lose me and when I asked if I should move on he said "oh please dont get all strange on me I cant handle it".

 

Then we spoke againa couple of nights later and he was jolly and chatty. So I said how should we play this. He said I think we should be friends. So I went along with it saying how I missed talking to him and that. Then I said okay we can be but I talk about dating with my friends - can he handle that? He said no. I cannot. So then he said can you handle me talking about my bf? And I said well to be frank you already do so not much would change! And then he says oh I'm down with him next week do you want to meet up he wont know! And I'm like what are you talking about! Me and you in the same room with your boyfriend there?! Sure because THAT wont be awkward! Anyway I said yes to the friends thing.

 

But then I woke up thinking. Hang on. He got away lightly. So I sent him a long text and this is what I said:

 

Hey. Been thinking bout what we said last night about being friends. To be honest as much as you can kid yourself into being "friends" and pretend as though nothing happened, I cant and I refuse to get sucked further into something I can essentially walk away from. Dunno who I was kidding last night. We can never be friends. It's gone too far down the line for that. I'd lose my self respect and become your dirty little secret - everything I said I wouldn't become. When I gave you the deadline it was all or nothing. You made your choice and that's okay. Now I'm making mine and cutting my losses while I still can. Get well soon and all the best.

 

He responded with:

 

Well I suppose it is your decision and I can't say I blame you. Just so you know the few days we had together were very special to me and I will always be here for you. Take care xxx

 

This was 2 months ago. I have not responded or initiated anything, went complete NC, deleted him from my Facebook account everything. I've got on with my life and feeling incredibly positive and upbeat. I came back from Rome last week (where he was a month ago with his boyfriend) for my 30th birthday and suddenly I've come back to an e-mail from him in my inbox this morning:

 

......um hello,

 

oh god im never good at these things......maybe i will start by saying happy birthday, here goes.....

 

Hey,

 

Happy Birthday! how was Rome? I know you said you never wanted to speak 2 me again but i thought id give you an email just to wish you happy birthday and let you know that im sorry for all that went on.

 

I hope you enjoyed Rome, i thought it was amazing!! loved it so much much more than Paris.

 

anyways i think ive kinda run out of awkward things to say to you now so i will just leave the ball in you court so to speak or not as the case may be. anyways i hope your good.

 

xxx

 

I do not see what the purpose of this email is? He hasnt said anything about being friends or being in a relationship. We both got closure. So what's the deal here and how do I respond? And why has he opened the can of worms again?

 

Thanks peeps!

[S agapo]

If you want to reply to him with something simple just don't expect anything in return or anything more! Besides, it may be just a friendly 'hi' contact and nothing more from him.

 

If do don't want to reply, then just leave it if you know there isn't any point to it.

 

I've read ur previous threads, seems like you have had some drama. You were in a LDR? Well these things are hard. I was too. My ex bf was 3 hours away.

[coolbloke1978]

Yeah he lived 3 hours away too. I'm not entirely sure what the motives are though. He has a boyfriend and he lives in another city and we never see each other. We got closure. So where has this come from?

[S agapo]

who knows maybe he is curious to see whats is going on with you? Only he knows his own actions and why he has contacted you. Maybe a genuine reason to be friends and open contact, or maybe just to waste time.

Do you feel it is best to just leave it? or do you want to simply reply back to him without any real expectations?

[coolbloke1978]

I just did and I just kept it simple

 

Here it is:

 

Hi,

Thanks for the birthday wishes, sweet of you to remember. Happy belated birthday to you too.

 

Rome was ace - great city, great friends and great wine! I couldn't have asked for a better 30th!

 

Hey I accept your apology and I forgive you. Its in the past, I've learnt from it, let it go and moved on.

 

Hope you're well too and keeping outta trouble. Chat soon.

 

x

 

Think that's okay right?

[S agapo]

I just did and I just kept it simple

 

Here it is:

 

Hi,

Thanks for the birthday wishes, sweet of you to remember. Happy belated birthday to you too.

 

Rome was ace - great city, great friends and great wine! I couldn't have asked for a better 30th!

 

Hey I accept your apology and I forgive you. Its in the past, I've learnt from it, let it go and moved on.

 

Hope you're well too and keeping outta trouble. Chat soon.

 

x

 

Think that's okay right?

 

Well happy bday first of all. When was it?!

 

Well, you now have fully open lines of communication. Such as you have given him ''permission'' (if that makes sense) to get in contact with you again if he wishes to reply. So I think you should just leave it for now, sit on it, and wait if he replys.

 

Do you really wana know about him now if he is in a relationship. He may have got in contact with you just to be friends, but what 'if' there is more to it up his sleeve. Or maybe he is just wasting your time and energy. Guess you have to look at everything, but for now just don't do anything else. Let him reply to you if he does and go from there I think! And should he reply, just ask him straight out - what he wants in a friendly way!

[coolbloke1978]

Haha. Thanks for that. My birthday was last week.

 

Yeah if he replies to that then I will ask him "Ok what is it that you want because your intentions arent clear. Is it friendship. Do you want to string me along again?"

[Zeitgeist]

Haha. Thanks for that. My birthday was last week.

 

Yeah if he replies to that then I will ask him "Ok what is it that you want because your intentions arent clear. Is it friendship. Do you want to string me along again?"

First of all, happy belated b-day. Second, I think your reply was perfect. I know you wrote that you would cut your losses, but the only thing consistent about life is change. It's never over until it's over, if you know what I mean. So I'm glad to see your open-ended response. It doesn't ask him to come back into your life. It gives him the space to do what he wants without judging him. That's respect and everyone recognizes it and appreciates it. At the same time, it sounds like you'll be okay with whatever he decides to do or not to do too.

[coolbloke1978]

First of all, happy belated b-day. Second, I think your reply was perfect. I know you wrote that you would cut your losses, but the only thing consistent about life is change. It's never over until it's over, if you know what I mean. So I'm glad to see your open-ended response. It doesn't ask him to come back into your life. It gives him the space to do what he wants without judging him. That's respect and everyone recognizes it and appreciates it. At the same time, it sounds like you'll be okay with whatever he decides to do or not to do too.

 

Thanks thats really positive. A friend of mine said it was a bit short and to the point. By which he meant I didnt give him any meat or bait by which to respond back to. But I didn't see the point?

[coolbloke1978]

Thanks to s'agapo and Zeitgeist for their responses. Does anyone have any further responses? I'm still baffled as to what the purpose to the email was. We got closure 2 months ago. Did he want closure again? I havent received a response but thats obviously because my email didnt warrant a response. Anymore ideas peeps???

[coolbloke1978]

Guys any other opinions or all of ye bored of me already???

[Zeitgeist]

You can keep wonder why the fish aren't taking your bait and people can offer you their opinions. But ultimately it doesn't really matter. Sometimes, you just have to wait.

[coolbloke1978]

I get your point... sometimes I need the occasional slap accross the face to stop me from becoming obsessive!