ycmanvs Posted July 29, 2008 Share Posted July 29, 2008 My best friend told me that he would not be talking to me for a few days because he had spent too much time with me lately. I am not sure what is going on. I spoke to his wife. All three of us always hang out together. I have not seen them in about a week or so. I am supposed to meet with his wife today for dinner. She has no idea why he is acting like this. I sent him an IM this morning and he said that he would talk to me this week but that he was too busy right now...when I responded with "YAY"....he said..."not really".... I have no idea what is going on. I have been very good friends with him for many years. Link to comment
HealingHandsWarmHeart Posted July 29, 2008 Share Posted July 29, 2008 thats very strange... has he ever done anything like this before? Link to comment
IMAbadman Posted July 29, 2008 Share Posted July 29, 2008 Hmmm... I wonder if he might have feelings for you? Strange eh? Link to comment
HealingHandsWarmHeart Posted July 29, 2008 Share Posted July 29, 2008 Hmmm... I wonder if he might have feelings for you? Strange eh? i wondered the same thing...especially since the wife doesn't know what is going on ... Link to comment
riley123 Posted July 29, 2008 Share Posted July 29, 2008 Did anything happen the last time you saw him? Link to comment
Nixee Posted July 29, 2008 Share Posted July 29, 2008 Would you say you are better friends with him than his wife then? Do you think his wife could be getting a little insecure of the time you are spending with him, and be wanting to grab some of that time back for just the two of them to spend together as a married couple? Even if he doesn't have feelings for you, she could be feeling insecure about things. When you have a three person dynamic like that of married couple and outside female friend hanging out a lot.... sometimes... I dunno, maybe one or the other of them has brought up the idea of more time alone? Just a thought, though you mentioned the wife said she doesn't know why he's acting like that. Maybe she does know more and will tell you more at dinner. And men claim women are confusing Link to comment
ycmanvs Posted July 29, 2008 Author Share Posted July 29, 2008 All three of us went to a museum last week. We had fun, we went to a nice dinner. I told them that I had called my ex the night before. Maybe that was it. Nobody likes my ex, especially my best friend. However, at the time, my friend did not say anything about it and did not seem upset. It was not until Friday that he canceled plans to go to the beach. Link to comment
riley123 Posted July 29, 2008 Share Posted July 29, 2008 Is he having any trouble with his wife? Maybe he just wants to get away from it all for a bit. I do that -- block out close friends when I'm stressed. Link to comment
ycmanvs Posted July 29, 2008 Author Share Posted July 29, 2008 Yes, they do have problems, but they are trying to work them out. I am friends with both of them, but I have known him longer. At first his wife was threatened by our relationship, but when she got to know me, she realised that there was no romantic involvement and that she had nothing to worry about. I do know that he tells me everything, even things he would not tell his wife, so I am just wondering why he is not letting me know if I have done something to offend him. I have a dilemma. He has a serious gambling addiction. His wife does not know the extent of it but she knows that they never have any money, even though he has an excellent job. She asks me for answers, but I do not want to betray my friend's trust. He has gone to GA and he has done therapy, but nothing works. Link to comment
BeStrongBeHappy Posted July 29, 2008 Share Posted July 29, 2008 Sometimes the 'third wheel' thing gets old. As a married couple, they need alone time together, and time to do things as a couple by themselves. And their first loyalties should be to each other. Are you hanging around them too much? By that i mean, expecting to spend an evening or day with them every single week? Or spend lots of time on the phone with one or the other of them? Healthy couples do have outside relationships, but if you are 'too' close and enmeshed with them and their marriage, it is probably not a good thing. Perhaps he feels like you are too demanding of their time (or his time) at this point and you need to back off and do some things on your own and leave them alone for a couple weeks. See if that doesn't improve things. Link to comment
tangi39 Posted July 29, 2008 Share Posted July 29, 2008 I do know that he tells me everything, even things he would not tell his wife, so I am just wondering why he is not letting me know if I have done something to offend him. QUOTE] To be honest with you, if my husband did this with a female friend I'd be offended. IMHO, that is undermining their relationship which is probably what his wife sensed from you. I'm not trying to blame you, but her husband really should not be discussing things with you that he is not willing to discuss with her. And I don't think it's a good idea for you to encourage this. I don't see him as having romantic intentions towards you or her thinking that you like him. I think this is really more to do with you being "Involved" in their marriage by being a private matter confidante to him that could be creating more problems. This merely my two cents, so take it or leave it BUT- It probably is best if you back off a little. I mean, would you want your husband running off to (plantonic or not) another female and discussing private issues that you weren't even aware of ? I can see why this would create friction. It sounds like maybe you have gotten too emotionally attached to him. He should be devoting far more time to his wife than anyone. Every marriage has problems, but it is best for outside parties not to get involved. It's between them. As far as not talking to you, don't take it personally. But please whatever you do, don't turn it on his wife. Or blame her for his behavior. It's all to easy to pin things on her like- She is jealous, etc. - But she should be more important and more of a priority to him than you. Give him some space for now. Please, too, I really do think it is in your best interest to distance yourself from him emotionally a bit, especially if he and his wife are having troubles. Stay out of their business. I can see this quickly turning into an emotional affair if you are not careful. It already sounds shades of you developing feelings for him. If you want to remain his friend, I really think you two need to set up more defined boundaries. And don't discuss his marriage or anything else he cannot discuss with his wife, that only leads to trouble in more ways than one. I'd hate to see you get hurt, please protect yourself. Link to comment
ycmanvs Posted July 29, 2008 Author Share Posted July 29, 2008 Sometimes the 'third wheel' thing gets old. As a married couple, they need alone time together, and time to do things as a couple by themselves. And their first loyalties should be to each other. Are you hanging around them too much? By that i mean, expecting to spend an evening or day with them every single week? Or spend lots of time on the phone with one or the other of them? Healthy couples do have outside relationships, but if you are 'too' close and enmeshed with them and their marriage, it is probably not a good thing. Perhaps he feels like you are too demanding of their time (or his time) at this point and you need to back off and do some things on your own and leave them alone for a couple weeks. See if that doesn't improve things. That would make sense if they had a "normal" relationship. Unfortunately, that is not the case. His wife does not have any friends in the area and drives him crazy because she wants to spend every waking hour with him. I think he is actually trying to be alone and wants me to hang out with his wife, so that he can be alone. I am meeting her tonight. This was her suggestion. She contacted me. She is not working and is bored at home all day. He works full time and also does side jobs, so he is always busy and wants to rest when he gets home, but his wife is very demanding and does not allow him any time for himself. He contacts me usually, or she calls me. I am not forcing myself on them at all. That is why last weekend was an odd turn of events. Link to comment
ycmanvs Posted July 29, 2008 Author Share Posted July 29, 2008 I have known him for many years, long before he met his wife. He dated some of my friends and I dated one of his best friends. We have remained best friends all through the years. He is like a brother to me. His wife is now my friend. I spend time with her too. They joked that if they got a divorce, they would have to share custody of my friendship with both of them... I do not like not knowing the reasons for his distance because I do not know if it has to do with me or with him... Link to comment
tangi39 Posted July 29, 2008 Share Posted July 29, 2008 Again, though- This already sounds like you are taking too much of his side here and getting in the middle. Don't get invovled in their problems. There are two sides to every story. Don't just take his word as gospel truth. You don't know what goes on behind closed doors. There is nothing wrong with a wife wanting to spend lots of time with her husband, he is probably exaggerating about the "every waking hour" thing. He is frustrated and taking things out on her, don't join the crusade. Stay out of it. Link to comment
ycmanvs Posted July 29, 2008 Author Share Posted July 29, 2008 I am not taking sides. I wait and I see who calls me and who wants to spend time with me. Today, his wife wants to see me. He wants to be alone. In the past, all 3 of us have gone out together once or twice a week. We live about 5 minutes away from eachother and we go to the same places, so it is not a big deal....but for some reason, something happened last week and he decided that he did not feel like talking to me for a few days. It has nothing to do with me taking sides. They have problems, but I do not get in the middle. I just listen if they feel like talking and they usually talk to me at the same time, in front of eachother. Link to comment
tangi39 Posted July 29, 2008 Share Posted July 29, 2008 Well, in that case- All you can really do is give him some time. If he really is a good friend, he'll explain at some point. Needing space just happens sometime, I doubt it's anything you did. Link to comment
ycmanvs Posted July 30, 2008 Author Share Posted July 30, 2008 I spent the afternoon with his wife yesterday. We went to dinner and shopped around. He was out with a male friend. I think he just needed some male bonding time. I have not spoken to him yet, but that seems to be what is going on. Link to comment
tangi39 Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 I spent the afternoon with his wife yesterday. We went to dinner and shopped around. He was out with a male friend. I think he just needed some male bonding time. I have not spoken to him yet, but that seems to be what is going on. Yeah, it sounds like it. If he's around both of you all the time, yeah- he needs some time away, understandable- I wouldn't read any more into it. Link to comment
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