I'm new to the forums: My break up story

[ApolloIV]

I'm new here, so I hope this is the right section of the forums to post this in. I'll try to keep it as short as possible. Basically, my ex-girlfriend and I got back together after having been apart for over 6 years (We were 20 when we broke up, got back together at 26).

 

Anyway... during the 6 years we spent apart, we kept in touch every now and then, mostly through letters (real letters, not email). Sometimes though, she would call me out of the blue, and want to meet up with me somewhere. Sometimes she'd have a boyfriend, sometimes not.

 

But it was difficult for us to remain "just friends" because it was too awkward for me to be friends with her knowing she was seeing someone else, and it just made for a difficult situation.

 

Finally after what seemed like a bunch of false starts over the course of 6 years or more, we finally got back together for real. While we lie down on her bed together talking about it, she told me that "it's scary because it's so intense," that was what she said to me. Then she added, "This time, I'm just going to dive into it head first." ....Whatever all that means, I'm not sure. That was part of what I planned on asking you folks here...if anyone has any ideas?

 

But anyway... she admitted to me finally that she was afraid in the past, and that was why we never got back together, because of her fear. But she claimed to be over this fear, and that was why we were together again.

 

We didn't stay together for very long though, despite everything she said to me while we were, with all her talks of marriage, wanting kids someday, us living together, talking about all the fun we're going to have together, telling her mother how happy she is and telling her mother that I was "the one" and that I was her dream come true, etc, etc. Anything you can possibly imagine someone saying to the love of their life, she pretty much said to me. It was more than I could've ever dreamed of.

 

So to have it all come to an end was a shock to me. She broke up with me out of the blue over the phone one night, claiming that she had no romantic feelings for me. Actually, the first words out of her mouth were, "I'm not saying we don't have what it takes to make it, but..." and then came the break up talk.

 

But the "no romantic feelings" line was something I had already heard from her a year before this, during a different time where we were on the verge of getting back together, but for one reason or another, it just didn't happen then. So that line was nothing new to me.

 

But that was her reason. So, after that phone call, we went through 8 months of silence, not hearing a thing from eachother. No calls, no texts, no emails, no letters, no anything. She broke the silence, 8 months later, out of the blue.

 

It was totally unexpected. She sounded like she didn't even know why she was calling me. She said she had a strong urge to call, and she missed me and needed to hear my voice. She said she wasn't calling to get back together, but she wanted to keep in contact with me.

 

She said she was going through a rough patch in her life, and wanted to talk to someone (me) who knew her, who really knew her. She asked if I was seeing anyone. I said no. She asked if I had seen anyone at all since we broke up. I said no. I was just being honest.

 

I was confused. This was the same girl, who less than a year ago, said I was her safe, calm place. And who less than a year ago, was telling me that she still "feels me around" after not having seen me for almost a year (at that time).

 

I told her that no, I cannot keep contact with you. I can't be in your life if it's not going to be us being back together, because it just prevents me from moving on. I told her I still mean everything I said when we were together. And that I still love her. So how can I go from talks of marriage and children and being together forever, back to being just a platonic friend? I couldn't do it anymore.

 

She said she understood. That was 9 months ago now, and again, I haven't heard from her since. Not that I'm surprised that I haven't heard from her, because I basically told her "no contact." There isn't a day that goes by where this doesn't enter my mind though, and it still gets me down a lot, which is why I wanted to post, to get any thoughts or advice or words or anything like that at all.

 

I tried not to make this long, but it's kind of hard not to, sorry. But anyway, thanks to anyone who took the time to read this. I appreciate it.

[Ellie2006]

 

I told her that no, I cannot keep contact with you. I can't be in your life if it's not going to be us being back together, because it just prevents me from moving on. I told her I still mean everything I said when we were together. And that I still love her. So how can I go from talks of marriage and children and being together forever, back to being just a platonic friend? I couldn't do it anymore.

 

Welcome to ENA.

For what it's worth, I think you made the right decision, even though you may question it at times.

Sure, the back-and-forth with the ex can be like a very thrilling ride at times but at the end of the day, the brief "high" is really not enough to compensate for the confusing "lows."

 

It may not be enough *right now* but please try to take comfort in the fact that you made the right decision for YOU.

[orangesoda]

I'm not sure if you're asking a question but if you want some comments on your situation, then okay.

 

I think your ex is a bit of a 'user', meaning she comes to you when she needs something from you, and when she doesn't, you're yesterday's news.

 

She keeps in contact because you've proven yourself to be a doormat, and you always welcome her back, instead of moving on and finding someone who really wants to be with you.

 

As far as the call after 8 months, that was one of those 'checking up on the backup plan guy.' She uses the excuse that she's going through a rough patch, but then she's asking if you're seeing anybody or have seen anybody...do you see the picture forming here?

 

Actions speak louder than words. If after 6+ years of friendship/relationship/whatever, she's not sure that you're 'the one' (although she doesn't mind throwing that term around obviously, I wonder how many other 'the ones' there are), then you can be sure that she's not 'the one.'

 

I would suggest that you start seeing other women - it will give you a new perspective on how badly your ex is treating you. If you don't, you'll be a slave to her whims and desires until she's married some other guy.

[RandomAdvisor]

I totally agree with orangesoda and couldn't have said it better myself.

 

Knowing something rationally doesn't necessarily make you feel better though, and I think that's the situation you are in. You know that it will never work out, but it's hard to live with because of all her talks about marriage and everything. You wanted to be with her, she sounded so in love, and then she just totally blindsides you with a break up, only to call you every so often to see if you are still single. orangesoda is right - she's been using you as her doormat and backup plan guy so she doesn't have to be alone when she's lonely.

 

What you told her was 100% the right thing to do. It was very wise and mature of you. She broke up with you and has no right to speak to you anymore if you don't want to stay in contact. Count yourself lucky that she no longer calls. And if she does call again - don't pick up the phone. You're better off. It will take time, but you'll get over her.

[ApolloIV]

Thanks for the replies and advice. As far as seeing other women goes, I'm just not feeling that right now. I'm not saying I'm waiting for her to come back, because I'm not, and I don't ever expect her to. But I just have absolutely no desire to be involved with anyone.

 

It's not in me right now to be out romancing some girl and all that stuff. I'm just not feeling it. I think I'm better off alone. Plus I wouldn't want to just use some girl, and waste her time, just to get my mind off the ex. It wouldn't be fair to her, or to myself.

 

Even if she did call and want to be together again, how could I do it? I would have to be stupid. It would just happen all over again. I don't know if she's the marriage type. Yeah, she may have talked about it, but we're talking about a girl who, in the 9 and a half years I've known her, has had at least 10 boyfriends. That's about one boyfriend per year, is that a lot? I don't know, it sounds like it to me.

 

She seems to just move on whenever that feeling of newness is gone, that initial spark. That seems to be how she is. What hurts the most are the thoughts of her with some other guy, doing whatever they do, spending time together, doing things, etc. It kills me when stuff like that pops into my head.

 

I feel like I can't control those thoughts. It's like torture. The other thing that kills are all the things she said. Making me out to be so different from the rest, saying I'm so special and all that stuff, only to discard me and forget about me, like it's so easy to just kick me to the side. I don't get it. Maybe I never will.

[Ellie2006]

Honestly, you sound drained and why wouldn't you be, after being on this emotional roller-coaster for the past 7, 8 years?!

 

I commend you for taking time to work on YOU before jumping back into the dating pool.

 

One thing: would you consider changing your phone number and email so that she canNOT contact you and you wont be tempted, even if she does?

 

Sure, it'd be great if our exes come to their senses all on their own and leave us be BUT sometimes that does not happen. Plus, if you find that, while you do NOT seek her out yourself nor attempt to contact her, you canNOT say no to her when she contacts you out of the blue, then it might be useful to take measures so that the temptation (i.e. contact from the ex) is removed.

 

Just a thought.

 

Take care of yourself.

[ApolloIV]

At this point, I don't see her contacting me again. I told her not to, and that was 9 months ago. I have no way of knowing if in those 9 months, she has fought the urge to contact me, or if she wanted to contact me or not, I just don't know.

 

I guess it doesn't matter either way. If she did want to, she probably didn't because she thinks I'll be too upset with her for not listening to me. I often find myself wondering if she will though. I know for sure that I will never ever contact her again. Ever. Period.

 

I wouldn't want to. One of the reasons I wouldn't want to is because I have no idea what is really going on with her. I don't know if she's single or with a boyfriend, and it's not worth risking it to find out.

 

If I found out she's single, I would just open the wound again, proving that she doesn't want to be with me. If she was with a boyfriend, it would be just as bad, if not worse. Plus I don't feel like it's my place to make any contact. So I never will. I have no problem not contacting her. I'm not in the least bit tempted.

[Ellie2006]

I understand.

I too told my ex NEVER to contact me again. He was hurt but he said he understood.

And like you, I wasnt tempted at all to contact him, although I did wonder about him at times.

 

The thing was even though I asked him not to, he did contact me and yes, I could have ignored it but I didnt. Yeah, I know I know, it was pretty stupid of me to respond.

 

For me, it's never been about having the temptation to contact him.

For me, the temptation lies in ignoring his attempts to contact me.

 

So do you think you'll respond if she reaches out to you again, even if you have asked her not to?? Because it looks like she's reached out to you in the past whenever she needed a "safe" place, a shoulder to cry on, if you wish...

[ApolloIV]

Honestly, I doubt that I'd ignore her if she called. I mean, I would probably take the call. When she called me in October, after 8 months of nothing, one of the first things out of her mouth was, "You could just hang up on me right now, and I would be able to live with it." Or something along those lines.

 

So yes, to be honest, I don't think I'd ever just flat out hang up on her, but that doesn't mean I'd allow myself to be the doormat again. That is basically what happened last time. She calls, in a rough patch, saying she misses me, wanting to keep up some kind of contact, and I said no. So that is why I can't really imagine that scenario happening again at this point...because what would she say this time around, if she contacted me again?

 

I just don't see it happening. And if it did, or if she wanted to get back together, or fix everything and start over, I'm not stupid enough to just say yes, and jump right back into her arms or anything like that. I wouldn't trust her, because I wouldn't know what to believe from her. And she would have to understand that. How can I be with someone like that, who says all these beautiful things, and then just up and leaves at any random moment? How could it ever work? I don't think it ever could.