Girls please help me understand...

[Bazzer]

Hi there Girls

 

I was hoping you all maybe able to explain to me why nice guys finish last - Why is that girls don't like dating nice guys?

 

It seems odd to me and quite frustrating that alot of girls don't want to date someone like me because I'm a nice guy. To me that sounds pathetic. Would you rather date someone who cheats on you, treats you like rubbish or worst case scenario, starts beating you.

 

I'm an average looking fella, with a good job and lots of friends. I'm not clingy, but supportive and have a fun out-going personality. I get to know girls and often asking them out with the common reply "Sorry, your a nice guy, but".

 

It really sounds stupid to me, so please help me and all thoes other nice guys understand. We might be able to change for the better

[Russ]

I'd like to second this request. If anyone finds an answer, I'll pay you for the patent rights

 

Also, link removed.

[cuteguyinftl]

well...i am sure that the girls will respond but speaking from a gay male point of view. It's not that nice guys finish last is just that sometimes seeing a nice guy is great but a biological need of strength and power is more of a drug to women than they know.

 

It all goes down to evolution and survival of the human race. It's been part of our being for tens of thousands of years. Basically if you look in the animal kingdom. The goregous species that flaunts there stuff are the males. Trying to attract a female for reproduction. So hence a more nice passive respectful guy might not get them going initially but at the end of the day you will find that special someone.

 

Its all biological and nature. Look around you. See how animals interact. We as humans are not that much different. Think about....a rooster with all those feathers. Hello..he is trying to catch that hen. The bigger and bold the feathers the more the hens flock. But no one every tells the story how the rooster stud only lasts within a hen house for less than a year. Why? Cause he has nothing else to offer...and that's the key!!!

 

you're a great and nice guy. Will you win the drag race no! But you will win the daytonna five hundred. Its like the story..."the tortoise and the hare" Who actually wins in the end?

 

Tom

[Iris-PJ]

I feel ya, it does suck to be the nice guy!

 

Well from my experience nice guys don't seem to be a challenge and for some reason many ladies love a challenge (has something to do with passion) and this is where the "bad boys" come in. They have the passion but lack the charm. While some nice guys have the charm they lack the passion. I am sure it is a lot more complicated than that and everyone is different, so I don't want to generalize.

 

With nice guys you are not sure they want you, sure they might like you, but we all want to be "irresistibly desired", and with bad boys it seems we are not sure if they like us, but we are sure they want us (sexually)...

 

I have gone out with both types... the nice guy was too nice but still ended up breaking my heart. Something I expected from the bad boy type, but I was the one that left him hanging. so ???

 

Hmm... your question is very interesting and although I provided my thoughts on it, I am not really clear if my explanation is enough for me.

 

will keep reading to see what other people post.

 

all the best,

-pj

[Timebandit]

Hi there Girls

 

I was hoping you all maybe able to explain to me why nice guys finish last - Why is that girls don't like dating nice guys?

 

Depends on the definition. But I think many of the people who consider themselves nice guys shows some of these behavioural traits:

 

- don't approach girls

- don't seem comfortable with being sexual

- are afraid of taking risks

- don't put himself high enough

- often hides their real intentions

- often avoids conflicts

- often relies on covert contracts (if I am nice to her, she will like me....)

- tries to control other peoples reactions to them

 

I short, I consider "nice guys" too inhibited.

 

It seems odd to me and quite frustrating that alot of girls don't want to date someone like me because I'm a nice guy. To me that sounds pathetic. Would you rather date someone who cheats on you, treats you like rubbish or worst case scenario, starts beating you.

 

False dichotomy, binary thinking or what you could call it. There is plenty of space between being an idiot jerk and a "nice guy". The word "assertiveness" is the key. Face it, plenty of guys behaves well, and still manage to have girlfriends.

 

I'm an average looking fella, with a good job and lots of friends. I'm not clingy, but supportive and have a fun out-going personality. I get to know girls and often asking them out with the common reply "Sorry, your a nice guy, but".

 

I assume she simply cannot picture you rip of her clothes and have sex with her. Attraction is not a choice, and if you don't spark her feminine side, you are doomed. Do you feel like a man?

[Blue Streak]

They are ultimately boring. There is not enough to keep a women stimulated.

[Iconate]

Id consider myself one of those "nice guys", and ya I am in the same boat. I think I have more female friends than male, and my female friends, most of them anyways talk to me about all their problems. I guess you could say i am that goto guy.

 

And basically it doesn't get me anywhere because, for the few I have asked out before they tell me the exact same thing, that to them I am a "big brother" or "TOO good of a friend"....

[LW4E]

I think it's just because "Nice Guys" are boring and show little to no self-respect.

 

Before I had had a single relationship I always thought "This whole relationship thing will be so easy, just treat your girlfriend like a queen." Man, I was wrong and luckily, I learned that quick. When my first (and so far, only) relationship was getting started, I started out with that same mindset, but I quickly realized on my own that it's far better just to be myself. Not to say that I'm not a nice person, but I never kissed my girlfriend's ass, I would say one of the mistakes I made was constantly paying for everything. I was brought up being lectured on how a gentleman acts around a lady, and how he should always pick up the bill, or pay for a movie. So I always did, even though she was always reaching for her own wallet and telling me not to waste my money... she sometimes went as far as to sneak money into my coat pocket when I wasn't looking. Towards the end of our relationship, we were out quite frequently and taking turns paying, even after the break up when we still hung out, we would always say "I owe you lunch" back and forth and treat each other to meals.

 

Anyway, I think the problem with "nice guys" is that they start treating women so great before they're even an official couple. Like, would you be buying roses for someone who's "just a friend?" not only that, but "nice guys" tend to be unintentionally manipulative... I heard that typically they think that by being friends first they can work their way up to being with this girl... and typically, that doesn't work.

 

Bottom line... "Nice guys" Aren't self-respecting go-getters.

[xRoh]

I guess a lot of girls associate nice with weakness. We don't want a weak partner. We want someone who will take care of us, someone who could take control.

[CynicalGuitarist]

Well... this is an unpopular idea... but girls go for those kinds of guys (jerks) because... well... they CAN. Typically, women (especially the pretty ones) don't have too much to lose when in a relationship; she usually has a shoulder to cry on no matter what. They get probably tons and tons of guys going out of their way to try and impress them in various ways, so maybe them dating the "jerk" is a bit of a knee-jerk reaction to that (pun not intended). Also, if their parents are overbearing and controlling, getting a guy that will piss them off will likely make her feel empowered. Nevertheless, if it doesn't turn out right, it seems to be a social norm for her to wallow in sadness and cry the pain away until she eases back on her feet. definitely not the case for males.

 

Another unpopular idea... how about that Jerks... can be CONTROLLED easier? Usually, until he meets that "special one" that makes his world go haywire, the "nice guy" will go about his day without even considering the notion of being with someone, and if he's a true "nice guy", he won't change his ways even if it MIGHT get him laid. Jerks, however, almost inevitably puts HIS desires first, brags about how many numbers he gets, and will spend a lot more time talking about he opposite sex; thus a lot of his actions, over time, become predictable. He thinks he's completely in control and domaneering, but underneath it all, he's even more of a vagina-worshipper than the sensitive poet who recites his romanticizations (is that even a word?) only to be called "whimpy" in more vulgar ways I can't put down here. The Jerk's cravings are so strong, he'll go to any length of insincerety or cruelty to get what he wants; even if it means hurting others in the process.

 

However, I will not defend either camp. I just want to add in some unconventional ideas that others are likely gonna scoff at.

[Timebandit]

Well... this is an unpopular idea... but girls go for those kinds of guys (jerks) because... well... they CAN.

[/Quote]

 

Which doesn't really tell us why the do it. Why are they attracted to guys who shows some level of assertiveness (or outright dominance) in the first place? The rebelling thing may have a little meaning for teenage girls, but apart from that, I think not.

 

Another unpopular idea... how about that Jerks... can be CONTROLLED easier?

 

I think "jerks" are much harder to control than "nice guys". Some "nice guys" are actually extremely clingy, and will take any crap a woman throws at him.

 

Jerks, however, almost inevitably puts HIS desires first, brags about how many numbers he gets, and will spend a lot more time talking about he opposite sex; thus a lot of his actions, over time, become predictable. He thinks he's completely in control and domaneering, but underneath it all, he's even more of a vagina-worshipper than the sensitive poet who recites his romanticizations

 

I think its the other way around. If he has plenty of access to women, then will not care much about the individual woman, and just proceed to the next. The "nice guy" is more likely to suffer from "one-itis", giving all his power away.

 

The one with the least interest has the power.

 

I just want to add in some unconventional ideas that others are likely gonna scoff at.

 

I don't mind polemic or unconventional ideas from time to time. I just didn't agree with your observations.

[justbrowsing]

Maybe it's not you, what kind of women are you pursuing?

[beingbrave]

Hi there Girls

 

I was hoping you all maybe able to explain to me why nice guys finish last - Why is that girls don't like dating nice guys?

 

It seems odd to me and quite frustrating that alot of girls don't want to date someone like me because I'm a nice guy. To me that sounds pathetic. Would you rather date someone who cheats on you, treats you like rubbish or worst case scenario, starts beating you.

 

I'm an average looking fella, with a good job and lots of friends. I'm not clingy, but supportive and have a fun out-going personality. I get to know girls and often asking them out with the common reply "Sorry, your a nice guy, but".

 

It really sounds stupid to me, so please help me and all thoes other nice guys understand. We might be able to change for the better

 

Maybe it's not that you are a nice guy? I'm not trying to say anything, but maybe you come off as overly confident? You sound pretty confident in your post here. I dunno? I'm just saying. Sometimes, people mistake confidence as cockiness and most people don't like cockiness. I know, I know, it sounds bizarre, but it's the truth. Just like with being assertive. Most people mistake assertiveness as aggression. But that's not the case at all. People just don't know how to react to someone knowing what they want, because most people don't know what they truly want.

[star2008]

"Sorry, your a nice guy, but" I'm not.

And I don't believe a 'nice' guy can embrace someone who is not nice. Can they?

[ghost69]

women do want a nice guy. they just don't want a weak guy that is a pushover.

 

the guy that's always like:

 

-whatever you want to do

-what do you want to eat?

-where do you want to go?

-are you cold?

-constantly ask if they are doing everything right

-needs reassurance all the time

[GettingBetter]

women do want a nice guy. they just don't want a weak guy that is a pushover.

 

the guy that's always like:

 

-whatever you want to do

-what do you want to eat?

-where do you want to go?

-are you cold?

-constantly ask if they are doing everything right

-needs reassurance all the time

 

See, that's what gets me. I don't understand how this is automatically perceived as "nice." For example, I'm a somewhat accomplished, successful person; I have enough professional crises where I have to make snap decisions that I'm largely apathetic as to the "little" points you brought up. Next to these weekly crises, choosing which restaurant to eat at seems absolutely trivial, so in my mind I figure: Why not let her choose? It seems like she always has an opinion, anyways.

 

I don't bend-over backwards, though. It's just nice spending time with a girl, and I don't feel any need to dictate her life unless something really concerns me. And about most things, I'm really indifferent.

[ghost69]

See, that's what gets me. I don't understand how this is automatically perceived as "nice." For example, I'm a somewhat accomplished, successful person; I have enough professional crises where I have to make snap decisions that I'm largely apathetic as to the "little" points you brought up. Next to these weekly crises, choosing which restaurant to eat at seems absolutely trivial, so in my mind I figure: Why not let her choose? It seems like she always has an opinion, anyways.

 

I don't bend-over backwards, though. It's just nice spending time with a girl, and I don't feel any need to dictate her life unless something really concerns me. And about most things, I'm really indifferent.

 

start telling girls you are taking them here or there. if they say they don't like that place, then ask where they'd like to go to instead. then you can say NO to their choice if you don't like it.

 

pushover = beyond nice. when guys ask 'why don't girls like nice guys?' this IS really what it is. i'm a nice guy. i know how to treat a woman. but i don't let them walk all over me, i still do my own thing, i'm my own person, i tell girls NO when i want to, etc. keeps girls on their toes.

[GettingBetter]

start telling girls you are taking them here or there. if they say they don't like that place, then ask where they'd like to go to instead. then you can say NO to their choice if you don't like it.

 

pushover = beyond nice. when guys ask 'why don't girls like nice guys?' this IS really what it is. i'm a nice guy. i know how to treat a woman. but i don't let them walk all over me, i still do my own thing, i'm my own person, i tell girls NO when i want to, etc. keeps girls on their toes.

 

Haha, that entails me knowing which places are good to eat, though. For me, growing up Denny's was about the nicest place we'd ever eat, usually only once or twice a year, so I have some research to do, lol.

 

Another problem for me is that I work 80+ hours per week in a very technical niche. Six months of my work provides about two minutes of interesting conversation about my work, but when that's about all I have time to do, that's kinda all I have to talk about. It won't always be like this, though. In a couple years, I should be working just full-time.

[ghost69]

Haha, that entails me knowing which places are good to eat, though. For me, growing up Denny's was about the nicest place we'd ever eat, usually only once or twice a year, so I have some research to do, lol.

 

Another problem for me is that I work 80+ hours per week in a very technical niche. Six months of my work provides about two minutes of interesting conversation about my work, but when that's about all I have time to do, that's kinda all I have to talk about. It won't always be like this, though. In a couple years, I should be working just full-time.

 

find some restaurants you want to try then.

 

that's why i don't talk about work as my conversation. i talk about movies, tv, everyday life, fitness, hobbies, etc.

[pboy]

HA! If only I knew the answer to this, I'd be in. But I don't. I've been described as "a nice guy", and I even tried the reversal role and tried to be a total * * * * . I saw my friends who are total jerks pull all kinds of girls, but when i tried... the girls were just like "dont talk to that guy, he's a * * * * "

I hate that nice guys finish last. its like i was put on this earth to be used and forgotten.

[law1204]

I get to know girls and often asking them out with the common reply "Sorry, your a nice guy, but".

 

Uh, that's her nice way of saying she's not attracted to you. You may be very nice, and she may be looking for a guy who is very nice, but the physical chemistry has got to be there, too.

 

(Of course, it could also be that for some reason she does not respect you, you may have inadvertently rubbed her the wrong way verbally, could be anything. You never know.)

 

There's a lot of "lying to spare your feelings" going on in the dating world. Keep going, you'll find someone who will love that you are nice and be attracted to you as well.

 

Good luck

[ghost69]

^^^^^^^yes, 'nice guy' can be cause of no attraction too.

[starlight40]

For me its been 'nice guy' = no excitement..........weres the challenge in someone who'l do and say anything i want? I like a strong guy to put me in my place when i need it........

[D_Lish]

You may be very nice, and she may be looking for a guy who is very nice, but the physical chemistry has got to be there, too.

 

 

I agree.

 

Women aren't turned off by nice guys....end of the day, we all want a nice guy, who will treat us right, a guy we can trust, who won't cheat, etc, etc...

It's ridiculous to say, that women want a guy and are attracted mostly to guys who treat them like crap, a guy who will cheat, etc, etc

 

You don't get the girl, simply because you are *nice*....it's because that particular girl you went for, isn't physically attracted to you.

[SchecterGuy]

Nice guys finish last is a copout. I don't think there is one guy out there who has any obligation to be nice. Especially in the case of getting women. It is all about confidence. If you come off as confident you are good. If you are not confident and a jerk then you become Jack Nicholson (sp) from As Good As It Gets.