Paying for dates?

[xxcdxx]

I've been dating this guy for 3 months now, and everything is going great. So far, he has paid for everything we have done together, but yesterday, he suggested I pay for coffee. I am a very traditional person, and was blown away at his suggestion. Coffee is not very expensive (I know, so why couldn't I just get it...?) He ended up paying for it and a movie after, but I felt a little guilty...

 

We got into a pretty big discussion about money, and he said he doesn't mind paying for most things, but would like if I could help out every now and then. To me, it's not about the money...it's the principle of the idea. I just don't feel that a true gentleman should let the girl pay for anything.

 

This wouldn't be such a big deal except that I just got out of a 4 year relationship where he paid for literally every single thing for me. Granted, he was more well-off and able to do that, but I'm not used to paying for anything.

 

I understand it's not the 50s and women always complain about how they're independent (so logically can pay for themselves), but like I said, I'm very traditional and expect a chivalrous man.

 

Am I being completely out of line and ridiculous?

 

If so, how often and to what extent should I pick up the bill?

[hers]

When I'm in a relationship, we take turns paying. I don't understand why guys shoudl be stuck with the bill. It just seems really unfair and way too old-fashioned. Times are a-changin... gotta foot the bill sometimes!

 

Yes, I think you're a little out of line on this one. It may seem to him (and others) that you'rel ooking for a handout.

[renaissancewoman101]

When I was dating my ex, after we started dating steadily for a few months, we would take turns picking up the tab. Since we both got paid every two weeks and he got paid the week I didn't, he would pick up the tab the week he got paid and I would pick up the tab the week I got paid.

 

I never like to make the guy pay for everything.

[pumpkinmoon]

sorry to have to say it but I do think you are acting ridiculous. I always make sure I pay for everything myself and wouldn't have it any other way. I buy my own cinema tickets, drinks and food when I have been for meals. I do think it's nice to be treated occasionally but I think expecting him to pay for everything is a bit much.

[Seraphim]

I think it was out of line not to pay for a coffee. Even when my husband and I were in University we shared the expense. A chivalrous man does not mean you should have a free ride.

[Karmageddon]

Maybe this is weird, but I sort of go by whoever does the asking pays. Sooo, he may just stop asking?

[annie24]

the tradition of men paying for women came from a time where women did not work outside the home, thereforee were not ABLE to pay for their own meals, tickets, etc... in turn, the woman would do things like cook her guy dinner, or treat him to a movie when her "uncle" bought the tickets for her and her date. (in truth, she might have just scraped together the money for herself.) it's the year 2008, i'm sure you have a job, pay your own rent/mortgage, went to college, so buy the guy a coffee.

 

since you want to be treated like a 1910 lady, do you also feel ready to give up the right to vote, to wear pants, to hold a job, etc.....? look, it sounds like your bf has been super generous up until this point, and i think he might be wondering if you are treating him as an ATM machine, rather than as a bf. it sounds like he'd appreciate it if you, once in a while, picked up the tab. guys are very sensitive about being treated like a walking wallet, and maybe he is starting to wonder if you are with him for his money or for his company?

[JeckyllNHyde]

yes, it is out of line and very unfair..

basically what hersmudders said "times are changing." what's wrong with taking turns paying? the best way to handle these situations is to offer to pay yourself. that way i try and avoid akward money talks between me and guys i date.

 

i can completely see where this guy is coming from and i think it's good he had the guts to say it directly instead of bottle it up inside and/or just keep paying.

he can be a gentleman in numourous other ways. why should he have to pay for everything. only my parents had to do that for me till.. well now still sometimes lol. but i wouldn't make a guy do that or even a friend for that matter.

it will also make him feel like you are interested if once in a while you pay.

 

edit.. oh what annie said!

[Seraphim]

This is SO very true, many men feel like a walking wallet. I have talked to many many men who feel like this especially after marriage. He may never even get to serious or marriage with you if he is starting to feel like a walking wallet.

[JeckyllNHyde]

and i dont blame guys for feeling this way.. i'd feel that way too if i where paying for everything, genders aside. guys feel good being paid for too.. i've said it once in another post "men need to be gentleman but sometimes we need to do gentleman like things for them too..."

[bijoux27]

What does chivalry have to do with finances???

[Batya33]

The way I did it was I would start offering by the second date (usually not the first, but sometimes), and if he declined then by the third or fourth date I would either do something like buy movie tickets for us in advance (so then I could refuse his money), buy him a CD or a shirt/something similar he had said he liked and if we kept dating, make a plan to take him out to the theater, again so I could buy the tickets. Once we were dating steadily - I made sure there was a routine of taking turns, even if it wasn't totally even. Sometimes I let him make the plans but I also would suggest plans, and that would make it more natural to treat.

 

However, when I was a full time student, if I was dating an older guy who worked full time and made a good living, I think I used to let them pay far more often, but I would also do things like make him dinner or suggest free/inexpensive dates. Especially if he liked to do things that were out of my budget and some men seemed to - they liked trying fancier restaurants with a date so it benefited them, too.

[JadedStar]

I think this is a fair and equitable arrangement.

[JadedStar]

WOW, you live in fantasyland! I can't believe mindsets like tihs still exist!

[gracerules2008]

Well you can't have the best of both worlds. It sounds like that's what you want. The benefits of not being old fashioned without the responsibilities.

 

I think this guy made a mistake suggesting that you pay for anything. If I were in his shoes I would have given you 6 months to offer to pay (I wouldn't tell you. I just keep this deadline to myself) for something and if you never did then I would dump you without warning.

[Lana0120]

I think it was rather tacky to ask you to pay, but I don't think it's out of order for him to hope that you pay every once in a while. No one likes being taken for granted and you shouldn't take it for granted that your man should pay for EVERYTHING all of the time. Personally, I think it feels good to pick up the bill every once in a while, because it shows that you're not all about the money and enjoy treating him too.

[DN]

If so, how often and to what extent should I pick up the bill?

After three months you should be paying equally - although if he earns considerably more then there might be other ways to do it as Batya suggests.

 

Anything else is taking advantage of him and it seems he isn't likely to tolerate that much longer.

[annie24]

Well you can't have the best of both worlds. It sounds like that's what you want. The benefits of not being old fashioned without the responsibilities.

 

I think this guy made a mistake suggesting that you pay for anything. If I were in his shoes I would have given you 6 months to offer to pay for something and if you never did then I would dump you without warning.

 

well, in all fairness, communication in a relationship is important. if a guy always pays, how is the woman supposed to know he is unhappy with that arrangement unless he says something? hmmm..... is that why the relationship of 4 years ended? because she never paid?

 

so, it's good that he's voiced his feelings on this. I always "reach" for my purse, and most guys, at least in the first few dates, stop me. though not all do. especially if the guy makes less than i do, then they let me pay or help pay. that's fine with me. over the course of the relationship, i find the paying tends to equal out more. and definitely, if i suggest a restaurant, i try to pay. and like batya said, i also suggest free/low-cost events, like a free concert in the park or free outdoor festival to attend.

[Nicole4]

I treated the guy I've been dating to coffee today. He appreciated it. It's nice to do something for the other person once in a while. I usually also always pay for parking and I'll leave the tip. Just little things, but it will make a huge difference in the way they perceive you.

 

If you always expect him to pay for everything and make a fuss if he ask you to spend 5 bucks then he's going to eventually begin to believe you are using him.

[Whiplash Girl Child]

To me, it's not about the money...it's the principle of the idea.

 

He probably feels the same way, but reversed: He would like to see you reach into your pocket every now and then not because it's about the money . . . but because it's the principle of the idea.

 

You might be coming off (in his view) as a bit self-important in that you expect him to pay for everything. Maybe you even look stingy or selfish to him. No, I'm not saying that you are stingy or selfish, but only that he might be perceiving you in such ways.

 

You cannot expect him to completely accept your point of view on the matter. What makes yours or his point of view the right one? In this situation, neither of you are "right" or "wrong" -- it's an extremely objective issue. Your best bet is to make some sort of a COMPROMISE.

[lila...]

Well I'm very old-fashioned too and love when men act like true gentlemen, BUT, it is going a little too far to think he has to pay for everything all the time. It's a question of courtesy now, not chivalry, and you expecting him to pay everything and not offering to pick up the tab once in a while (especially when you're that far along in a relationship) is being inconsiderate and impolite, in my opinion. It wouldn't hurt to offer to pay once in a while.

[gracerules2008]

The thing is he shouldn't have to ask her to pay for anything. The fact that he has to talk to her about this is an indicator that she doesn't naturally want to contribute to dating expenses.

 

It's not enough to me that she just goes through the motions of paying just because he asked. I don't want to feel like I'm twisting the girl's arm to contribute to expenses. If she is going to contribute I would hope it is because the desire is coming from within her and not because I opened my mouth.

[annie24]

It's not enough to me that she just goes through the motions of paying just because he asked. I don't want to feel like I'm twisting the girl's arm to contribute to expenses.

 

i see what you mean. it's kind of like asking someone to buy you a romantic present on your birthday. you'd rather it be from the heart, not an order.

 

but of course, he has voiced a pretty important concern. if she continues not wanting to pay, i would reconsider the relationship, if i were in his shoes. i think a lot of guys worry about being treated like the 'walking wallet' and wonder if you met a guy with twice as much money as him, would you run off?

[Zeitgeist]

The thing is he shouldn't have to ask her to pay for anything. The fact that he has to talk to her about this is an indicator that she doesn't naturally want to contribute to dating expenses.

 

It's not enough to me that she just goes through the motions of paying just because he asked. I don't want to feel like I'm twisting the girl's arm to contribute to expenses.

Well, in all fairness, perhaps the OP grew up in an environment where the guy paying for everything is the norm. In which case, the guy she's dating SHOULD say something so that she at least has the chance to change her mindset. And if she doesn't, well then, good luck to her finding someone who will let her freeload. I'm thankful for all the women posting in here about this, because I am rather shocked someone thinks it's an intrinsic right to get a free ride simply because one is a woman. Quite frankly OP, I don't think you're going to get very many people (if any) on your side on this one.

[orangesoda]

maybe there's the rare well-off guy that doesn't mind being a sugar daddy to his dates but I guarantee that a surefire way to get dumped is to make the guy pay for every single thing.

 

not only does it make you come off as a gold-digger, but in his mind, he's not special to you one bit: only his money is. Any other guy could come along, throw money at you and it wouldn't be any different.