EX got in contact - feel sad

[matman]

Short story went out with someone for 8 years, met someone else, went out with her for 8months. We broke up because I couldn't handle a few ex FWBs in her group of friends.

I'm still not over her, I'm still not over my long term partner from before that.

I am going away for a few months, maybe do some travelling, and attempt to forget about my life back here.

 

So, today the one I went out with for a few months, and we broke up 3 months ago tells me nothing has felt right without me in her life since we broke up and she wants to know how I'm feeling.

I started checking her facebook page a while ago and I'm trying to stop myself doing that... but now this. She knows I need my space and that was part of the reason for breaking up but I don't know whether to reply or not. Maybe she's just looking for closure, which I can't truly give, but telling how down I feel most of the time isn't going to help either...let alone the fact that I'm still messed up about 2 girls that I'm not even with.

 

[Aschleigh]

How in the world do you go out with someone for 8 years? Were you 12 when you met?

Was there not a point where she or the universe said to you " propose or move on?

Did you live together?

This is why women like me make the 2 year rule. We are committed in 2 years or we move on. She had 8 years with you and nothing to show for it.

I don't know what her story is. But she gave you 8 years of her life. It was probably enough.

 

Do some serious soul searching man. Who are you? Who do you want to be? You are 31? Where do you want to be at 35?

[matman]

How in the world do you go out with someone for 8 years? Were you 12 when you met?

Was there not a point where she or the universe said to you " propose or move on?

Did you live together?

This is why women like me make the 2 year rule. We are committed in 2 years or we move on. She had 8 years with you and nothing to show for it.

I don't know what her story is. But she gave you 8 years of her life. It was probably enough.

 

Do some serious soul searching man. Who are you? Who do you want to be? You are 31? Where do you want to be at 35?

 

22 when we met, lived together for 4 years, owned a place together. I am not yet ready for marriage or kids. I suspect I won't be until I am at least 35. I met someone else but it didn't work out but it had the potential I suppose. It does happen to people you know even if it was a 7.5 year itch type situation but my whole life seems to be like that at present. I had strong feelings for both of them and still do.

[jettison]

How in the world do you go out with someone for 8 years? Were you 12 when you met?

 

I did the math for you. Turns out that he was around 22 when they met. You can dispense with the statutory rape concerns.

 

Was there not a point where she or the universe said to you " propose or move on?

Did you live together?

This is why women like me make the 2 year rule. We are committed in 2 years or we move on. She had 8 years with you and nothing to show for it.

 

What would she have had to show for it had they got married within your two-year parameter? Would the piece of paper mean that they could get a divorce instead of merely breaking up, thereforee making their separation better somehow? How would her life be different because of that piece of paper, and because of the witnesses?

 

I don't know what her story is. But she gave you 8 years of her life. It was probably enough.

 

I'm guessing that he also gave her 8 years of his life. I fail to see how that's any less valuable.

[matman]

And back to the OP please

Whether it was right or wrong for me to break up with a long term partner, it happened and has been like that for over a year now. Maybe I do want to get back but it's not the question I was aiming at - it has been discussed in some of my other posts.

[Aschleigh]

Ok, I really don't think this has to do with any women. I think it has to do with you.

Did she allude to her being ready for marriage and kids, the 8 year women ?

 

You are messed up about yourself more than these women.

If either of them were perfect would that make a difference with your not readiness .

Women get tired of playing. What is it you are looking for? Can you articulate that to yourself?

What would be the point of going back and forth with this 8 month girl if you don't know what you want? Do you want to start over with her?

[matman]

Ok, I really don't think this has to do with any women. I think it has to do with you.

Did she allude to her being ready for marriage and kids, the 8 year women ?

Yes to the marriage but she wasn't forcing me to, she was starting to wonder why not. Kids would obviously have been on the plan but out of all our friends who are having kids, I can't even contemplate this for years yet.

 

You are messed up about yourself more than these women.

If either of them were perfect would that make a difference with your not readiness .

Maybe not at the moment - I need to get away to think about my life.

 

Women get tired of playing. What is it you are looking for? Can you articulate that to yourself?

I'm not playing anyone. However, I am not looking for marriage. Equally, I don't want to grow old lonely. What I can say is that I don't want a relationship with anyone for a while, at least 6months.

What would be the point of going back and forth with this 8 month girl if you don't know what you want? Do you want to start over with her?

No, I'm not sure it would work even though I like her a lot. I can't say 100%.

 

My point is should I reply to her to tell her how I feel as she has told me how she still feels and asked me how I feel after 3 months NC?

[Aschleigh]

It really doesn't matter if you talk to her or not. That is not the issue.

You are the issue. If you need 6 month on your own ( or more) take it.

Why not tell the women that you are very confused, it looks like you will be very confused for the time being and that if she wants that kind of man in her life feel free to keep texting you.

 

Why are you 31, in an 8 year relationship with a women who is contimplating kids and you are not contimplating kids? How does the idea of being a parent sit with you? How did you feel about this women, Love, hate, indifference?

Why do you need to get away to think about life, what inhibits you thinking right where you are?

Do you smoke a lot of pot or do other drugs? Is anything else inhibiting your mental functioning, like alcohol or past abuse?

Can you remember a time when you really know who you were and what you wanted in life?

[matman]

It really doesn't matter if you talk to her or not. That is not the issue.

You are the issue. If you need 6 month on your own ( or more) take it.

Why not tell the women that you are very confused, it looks like you will be very confused for the time being and that if she wants that kind of man in her life feel free to keep texting you.

What's the point in keeping in contact? NC is supposed to allow both parties to heal. I feel like I should be courteous but explaining exactly how I feel is only going to either give her hope or confuse her even more.

 

Why are you 31, in an 8 year relationship with a women who is contimplating kids and you are not contimplating kids? How does the idea of being a parent sit with you?

I feel uncomfortable around kids, I know this from being at friends' houses. Kids scare me. I'm 31, I don't even see the interest in having kids at this age.

 

How did you feel about this women, Love, hate, indifference?

Definitely love but I still went out with someone else whether it was through boredom, feeling wanted by someone else or just feeling I should do it as I missed out on my twenties I don't know.

Why do you need to get away to think about life, what inhibits you thinking right where you are?

The fact that all I have thought about for 12 months is this. I need to get away to take me out of my life or my comfort xone and I think this is the only way I can do it.

Do you smoke a lot of pot or do other drugs? Is anything else inhibiting your mental functioning, like alcohol or past abuse?

No - strange question.

Can you remember a time when you really know who you were and what you wanted in life?

I don't think about life in this way, I just go with the flow. Things happen to me by chance and I go with them. I drive my hobbies and interests of course but I don't do career or life plans - never seen the need to.

[Aschleigh]

Don't worry about her. Worry about you.

If hobbies and interests were enough you would be happy right now. If going with the flow was your thing, you could keep going with it and be fine.

If you don't want kids , then I hope you were honest with your ex about it.

If seems you have a hard time knowing what you need and want just for you.

Maybe you've changed and your needs and wants have changed and now is as good a time as any to get to know yourself.

Where do you want to be in 5 years, or 10?

[matman]

Don't worry about her. Worry about you.

If hobbies and interests were enough you would be happy right now. If going with the flow was your thing, you could keep going with it and be fine.

If you don't want kids , then I hope you were honest with your ex about it.

If seems you have a hard time knowing what you need and want just for you.

Maybe you've changed and your needs and wants have changed and now is as good a time as any to get to know yourself.

 

I think I want kids, just not now - it's very far in the back of my mind.

 

Where do you want to be in 5 years, or 10?

I always think this is a stupid question, just like at interviews. I have no idea, too many things could change.

I would hope in 10 I would be living with someone and be married.

5 years - no idea.