girl68 Posted July 28, 2008 Share Posted July 28, 2008 Hey Folks, Just thought I'd do some sharing- I have no questions. Saturday I went clubbing with a big group of friends, boyfriend included. All is well everyone is having a good time; until I look at my boyfriend who is full-on staring with a dirty grin on his face at 2 girls grinding low-low-low. (Trust me when I say FULL-ON STARING with a DIRTY grin...) This really upsets me. I'm much more hurt than mad to make my point. I do realize boys look.. yaya I'm good with that- but this was not no glance at a pretty girl (refer to look above...) Anyhow, after I see this I just walk away- I'm hurt and don't really know what to say or if/ how I should confront him (it's dark, loud and we've been drinking...) So I let it lay... and go talk to another friend (who's a boy). I guess he (my bf) sees me chatting to him and after a while comes to see me. I'm not super impressed by him, and he can tell... he presses on for me to tell him "what's wrong" and I finally cave. I tell him that I'd seen him staring with a dirty pervert grin on his face at 2 girls for some period of time and said "it hurt- alot" he responded with: "honestly I don't remember even looking" I believe him- have no reason not to. And I just continue to tell him how hurt I was... and how I understand we all look but that stare was unacceptable in my books... and how he needed to make it much less obvious to me if he ever catches himself again. I also mentioned that I had no idea I'd be so hurt with him checking out some girl... He appologized twice and it was sincere... but he seemed to appriacte that I was more hurt than mad... and how I could convey my feelings without freaking out on him. Just thought I'd share my experiece with my boyfriend totally checking out some girls and how I got past that without a superhuge fight over being an over-breaking jealous gf... instead I'm one who loves her bf so damn much- it's stupid... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gratsy Posted July 28, 2008 Share Posted July 28, 2008 I don't blame you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ryan123 Posted July 28, 2008 Share Posted July 28, 2008 men will stop looking when girls stop doing it for attention. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeStrongBeHappy Posted July 28, 2008 Share Posted July 28, 2008 Have you ever seen a bunch of guys lined up on a couch watching sports on a big screen TV with a beer and the cheerleaders come on? That big stupid leering grin shows up on ALL of them. If he's looking at 2 girls grinding, he's thinking mini-porno movie and NOT even thinking about 'dating' them, just enjoying the show and fueling a little fantasy or two. I really wouldn't worry about it too much unless he makes a big effort to go chat those same girls up. Then i'd just tell him 'down, boy'. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
girl68 Posted July 28, 2008 Author Share Posted July 28, 2008 but you said he was looking at 2 girls grinding? they were obviusly doing it for male attention and they will get it cos all guys look at that fo- sex crap. Yes, they were grinding- I know for the looks and damn did they suceed! But it still hurt... and I'm sure he'll be more considerate next time around. I mean shiet, I thought I was cooler than that (to get so worked up over something SEEMINGLY such a small deal) but I guess not. And now we BOTH know that! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
girl68 Posted July 28, 2008 Author Share Posted July 28, 2008 That big stupid leering grin shows up on ALL of them. If he's looking at 2 girls grinding, he's thinking mini-porno movie and NOT even thinking about 'dating' them, just enjoying the show and fueling a little fantasy or two. I really wouldn't worry about it too much unless he makes a big effort to go chat those same girls up. Then i'd just tell him 'down, boy'. Oh, I know that. He'd never think to cross that line- as far as I'm concerened it was just the look that hurt. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beingbrave Posted July 28, 2008 Share Posted July 28, 2008 Hi. I would be mad too. But you really shouldn't be upset about this situation. You guys were in the middle of a night club. Seeing two females dancing provocatively wouldn't surprise me. If you don't like him looking, you guys shouldn't be going to a club. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted July 28, 2008 Share Posted July 28, 2008 i have to tell you that you are over-reacting. Additionally you are setting up expectations of your boyfriend that he is unlikely to be able to keep to. To try and control what people look at is unrealistic. And it also means that you would have to behave in the same way that you expect him to. So no looking at good looking men, no looking at male film stars in so called 'chick flicks' and no romantic novels where you daydream about the hero. To try and be the 'thought police' in a relationship is just not going to work. You are asking him to ignore all visual stimuli simply because you are his girlfriend and he can't or won't do that. But what you will do is eventually drive him away because you are going to be upset every time something like this happens. You, and others, will talk about respect and so on - but that still won't work. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
girl68 Posted July 28, 2008 Author Share Posted July 28, 2008 Thanks xXL, That's exactly what I'm saying... Did you read the part where I said I know people look and I'm okay with that!? It was the EXPRESSION on his face that HURT me- nothing else. I also don't mind he looks, I look, he looks, we all look. I even said go AHEAD look... just be more cautios when I'm around- see what I'm saying!? We go to clubs all the time and I catch him looking ALL the time- but those are merely looks... not like this one. I do live up to my other expections: which are look, don't stare... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted July 28, 2008 Share Posted July 28, 2008 Are you really saying that he has to make sure the expression on his face is likely to meet with your approval? Any time he sees an attractive woman he has to check his face to make sure it's OK with you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beingbrave Posted July 28, 2008 Share Posted July 28, 2008 I also don't mind he looks, I look, he looks, we all look. I even said go AHEAD look... Ok, OP, than what's the big deal?? He looked, he changed his expression...now what? What's the big deal?? You are contradicting yourself now. You said you don't care if he looks, but he did and now you are making a big deal about it. I think you need come back to reality and take to light what some of us said. If you don't want him looking at "dirty" girls, than I think you shouldn't expose him or yourself to night clubs. Everyone knows that people go to night clubs to drink and flirt. It's just a given. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JadedStar Posted July 28, 2008 Share Posted July 28, 2008 When there is a display like this in a place you are at it men will do this. Two girls grinding provactively on a dance floor is one of those such things a man will stop and look at. Heck, I'd stop and look if nothing but for the mere spectacle and outrageousness of it. I think you over reacted. If you are going to be into the "club" scene this stuff is going to happen. Personally this is one of the reasons I don't do this scene because I'd rather not have sex displayed all out and in the open. Not that this can't happen on tv or other places but the club scene is sexually charged and if you go with your guy you are going to encounter this from time to tmie. I wouldn't expect my SO to not look at a scene like that. How can a redblooded male not look? I know the dirty grin was not acceptable for you, and honestly if he wasn't drinking and in the club he probably would not have done it, would he? The environment kind of encouraged it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
girl68 Posted July 28, 2008 Author Share Posted July 28, 2008 Listen "Being BRAVE" it is HOW- not the fact that he looked get it? not contradicitng a damn thing! Yes, the next time he looks, he should just keep in mind his girl is around and not gooogle eyes over them- I would do the same thing for him- not but not google eyes and stare! And, didn't I say I was sharing an experience? I thought I did pretty damn good! Hell- I didn't explode on my boyfriend! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JadedStar Posted July 28, 2008 Share Posted July 28, 2008 i hate the 'insecurities' people. he is her man. he does something that hurts her feelings. she is allowed to bring this up with him. should he say, "hey now, you cant tell me what to do, i have a problem with that" they will discuss. he seemed to accept it hurt her and will try not to do it in front of her. It is okay for her to share that it hurts her feelings, but at the same time are people not resopnsible for their reactions to things? I think with things like this one has to pick and choose their battles. She can tell him she is hurt, but if that happens often she will create an environment where he is afraid of everything he does when out with her. Not out of love or compassion but out of fear. Pick and choose what you share is my belief. Sure, tell him it hurt your feelings but then let it go. Making an issue out of it wno't help and if this happens again everytime it happens it will teach him to just be more careful in front of her and not be himself. Does that help in the long run? Many men with insecure girlfriends learn how to be a different person when with her and that IMO is not a winning situation. I am not saying you do this often, just saying that if you do, you might want to rethink it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
girl68 Posted July 28, 2008 Author Share Posted July 28, 2008 i hate the 'insecurities' people. he is her man. he does something that hurts her feelings. she is allowed to bring this up with him. should he say, "hey now, you cant tell me what to do, i have a problem with that" they will discuss. he seemed to accept it hurt her and will try not to do it in front of her. Thanks again! LOL- No idea I would get bashed- I thought I'd handled it rasonably well! I think you understand... Yes, I agree certainly the drinking didn't help... Anyhow the purpose of the post was not for other people to tell me I'd overreacted- I didn't react! I FELT something- I can't help that! I didn't even yell or get mad! I was just hurt! Sheesh! I thought some people on here would read and use some of the things I said to convey the message to THEIR partners if they see they're partner checking someone out... Folks... I can't help what I felt... And I don't think I "overreacted!" I FELT. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
girl68 Posted July 28, 2008 Author Share Posted July 28, 2008 Pick and choose what you share is my belief. Sure, tell him it hurt your feelings but then let it go. Making an issue out of it wno't help and if this happens again everytime it happens it will teach him to just be more careful in front of her and not be himself. I am not saying you do this often, just saying that if you do, you might want to rethink it. LOL I don't! I only shared THIS time becasue this one hurt most! I was just SHARING.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted July 28, 2008 Share Posted July 28, 2008 It wasn't my intention to bash you but to point out that behaviour like this corrodes a relationship. I have seen it countless times. Sure you can tell him his expression hurt you. And he may try to not do it again. But what you have also done, probably inadvertently, is to try to control him based on what you perceived as a 'dirty grin on his face'. And that was your perception - you have no idea what was going through his mind at the time - you just assumed. He may have found it arousing in some way - most men would. But he probably also found it amusing, he may have found it skanky, or whatever. But you thought you knew what he was thinking and became hurt of what you thought not because of what you knew. It is fine to tell a partner that you feel hurt by behaviour - but I think it is wise to make sure that your hurt feelings were actually reasonable and based on facts not supposition. His expression is a fact but what motivated it is supposition. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ryan123 Posted July 28, 2008 Share Posted July 28, 2008 nah, i think that was meant for me. some people get upset when the psycology standard anwser dosent work and there wrong. robots. and some 16 year olds think they know everything...don't see any of us complaining. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ImThatGirl Posted July 28, 2008 Share Posted July 28, 2008 Agree with DN completely~~~ Do you want to turn him into a blank faced / no emotion person? Because when you start telling him that he hurt you by being amused, chances are the emotions for you may also fade... It's not like he talked to them, flirted with them, asked them to go out with him. When he realized you were upset, he talked it out with you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
girl68 Posted July 28, 2008 Author Share Posted July 28, 2008 DN, I didn't assume ANYTHING about what was going through is head... where did you get that idea? I have NO clue what he was thinking I just stated he HAD a dirty grin on his face- weather he thought it was funny, hot, nasty- I have no idea and that is not what I talked to him about. No where do I say I think or presume about what is going through his head. I think they were reasonable, I mean I know everyone looks- but he didn't have to "look" like that- that was my only point in this whole thread. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted July 28, 2008 Share Posted July 28, 2008 totally. see girl, if your man farts on the couch, dont say anything about it. that could corrode your relationship. you find it disgusting, but did he? you dont know what was going through his mind at the time. he may have found it funny, you dont know. letting him know you found it disgusting and becoming grossed out is you just over re acting. It is fine to tell a partner that you feel hurt by behaviour - but I think it is wise to make sure that your hurt feelings were actually reasonable and based on facts not supposition. His expression is a fact but what motivated it is supposition. Note; Please keep your posts respectful. It is fine to disagree with someone but it is not fine to be sarcastic and rude. [/color][/b] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
girl68 Posted July 28, 2008 Author Share Posted July 28, 2008 It's not like he talked to them' date=' flirted with them, asked them to go out with him. When he realized you were upset, he talked it out with you.[/quote'] I know! I thought I'd share the story so maybe someone else would use some of these points- I thought. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted July 28, 2008 Share Posted July 28, 2008 DN, I didn't assume ANYTHING about what was going through is head... where did you get that idea? I have NO clue what he was thinking I just stated he HAD a dirty grin on his face- weather he thought it was funny, hot, nasty- I have no idea and that is not what I talked to him about. No where do I say I think or presume about what is going through his head. I think they were reasonable, I mean I know everyone looks- but he didn't have to "look" like that- that was my only point in this whole thread. But you are trying to tell him how to look - why? Again, that is your perception of how he looked. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ImThatGirl Posted July 28, 2008 Share Posted July 28, 2008 I understand that it was hurtful to you. But I strongly urge you to look within yourself somewhat. When I was a teenager, I was fussy as all get out about looks and sometimes even the way a boyfriend would talk to a girl. I believe that if I felt more confident and secure with myself and within the relationship, it wouldn't have bothered me. You just want to be careful about your reactions to little things. Maybe even if you would have discussed it once you all got home. At this age, I'd almost expect most guys to have that same dirty grin on their face if seeing that. More of a oohhhh those girls are getting dirty look. Not so much anything else. He probably wouldn't have even thought about it again had in not created a scene. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
girl68 Posted July 28, 2008 Author Share Posted July 28, 2008 say there are boundries in relationships... there always is and there are MANY different sorts... there are swingers and there are those who don't even let partners look... I am neither... I know he looks... but am I not allowed to think it's disrepectful to stare and have a dirty grin? (weather or not it was "dirty" thoughts or intentions in his mind is not my point- or my concren) I mean for me that's my "boundry" Is is not okay for me to ask my bf to make it "a little less obivous to me" (were my exact words...) when he looks? And how he looks doesn't have anything to do with me assuming what was going through his head- which is what you were orginially getting at... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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