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need help... wife agreed to a date (long)


canitwork

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Without going into the problems that got me to a pending divorce i will say this...

 

After 8.5 years my wife said she couldn't do it anymore. She felt she had nothing to give to the marriage anymore. We have 2 girls (4) and (2). She said it was because of the relationship I had with her mother, I pushed her away because I always wanted to talk about our problems, etc. She said she really felt like she shouldn't be in a marriage she coudln't give her all into.

 

It wasn't a nasty breakup, I took the amicable approach because hey if someone doesn't want to be with me then ok.

 

Well i will also say that even though we split... Our relationship was very emotional. We were very very close. We hugged and kissed everyday and told each other we loved one another everyday multiple times. We were very physical. To put it more clearly... we thought we were soul mates and we sure acted like it.

 

But every relationship has ups and downs. My wife just couldn't handle the very little downs we had.

 

So the breakup happened and she moved out. It was tough for about a month with constant animosity, and anger, etc. Very little phone talk. We have to talk everyday because of the kids. We split time with the kids evenly and we both love our childrent dearly.

 

So for a while she was doing her thing saying she wanted to be alone but signed up for link removed immediately. Going out dancing, bars, etc.

 

I basically just did my own thing by keeping busy, hanging with the kids, going out with my buddies and thats it.

 

Then about 3 weeks ago in a normal conversation we began flirting with each other. Now I know this is bad but again i remind you we were very physical with each other. We never went in 8.5 years more than a week without sex. So i think it was just sexual tension that builded.

 

Then it led to the inevitable and we had sex. But it was different. It wasn't the same. And i know why. She was seeing other people just not being physical with them.

 

To add into this... All this time she has said she still loved me and always will. She was just confused all the time and blank minded.

 

Then after the sex was over, she turned into queen B again. Then for 3 more weeks we barely talked. Only when the kids were saying hi and goodbye.

 

Now I can honestly say that even though i have been doing well on the outside by going to the gym and keeping busy, i have been hurting inside. I loved her like nothing else in this world. I never saw the divorce coming. We always moved on or at least i thought we did from problems. I thought our emotional tie would always beat anything on the outside.

 

Occasionally I would express my feelings but it was short. Well last thursday I wrote her a long email saying how much she meant to me and how much i missed her. I really got detailed and brought up great past times.

 

She didnt respond or say anything about it so i brought it up a few days later and I come to find out that she said it really touched her and made her question her decisions. The problem is she still feels like she doesn't know what to do. She also admitted she dated someone who she thought she initially liked and only kissed him but now she doesn't. It was short lived and done.

 

For the first time we talked for more than a few minutes about random life things. It was like how we always talked and it felt nice. She said the same thing. We went to breakfast with our kids the next day and that was nice too. We are going to lunch this week so we'll see how that goes but here is my problem...

 

I asked her last night is there any part of her that wants to try again and she said at this time no. I said to her that I meant by going on a date. This was all by text message and she responded with... A date yes.

 

Am I just a sucker who is still trying to hang onto something that will never work or am I just plain stupid? I always told myself I would never give up on her because i know there is love for me inside her. She does mean everything to me and I just want her to come home so bad.

 

Any advice?

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There are a few sites that might help you.

link removed might help

 

This has been called the Walk Away Wife syndrome although men do it too. Put it into your search engine and see what comes up. Read the books and think about what others tell you they have been through. You can PM me anytime.

We kind of have an unnofficial club here on ENA for husbands of W.A.W. and I really hate to see another one of us here but all are welcome.

 

lost

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Sometimes, love just isn't enough. The sex was good you say...but what did you have in common outside of the bedroom? Were you each others best friend?

 

Usually a person will give their partner a few red flags saying they're not happy...but that partner doesn't wake up till the hard blow is given. Then they wonder what happened, and how they can repair the damage..but it's too late.

 

I'm sorry to hear what you're going through.

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Well, reconciliation is always welcome especially since children are involved. In reading your post it doesn't sound like there are ultimate deal breakers.

 

However, you need to have frank discussion about what the both you want and expect if you plan a future getting back together.

 

Can you explain her problems (with you, marriage etc. )?

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i tried to keep it short but what happened was...

 

When we first met her mother rejected me from day one and hated me ever since. In her eyes I was not right for her daughter. It wasn't the normal in-law situation. Her mother invaded everything in our lives.

 

For years I only said things to my wife saying things werent right what she was doing by calling 20 times after 10pm for stupid things, showing up unannounced at any time, never being involved in important family events, saying horrible things about me to her, brainwashing my wife, etc.

 

So i basically was very quiet around her mother, didnt say much, said Hi, bye, the usual. I kept it short because why should i go out of my way to humor this woman who hates me so much. She didn't even want to be around our kids because they were mine.

 

This went on for 7.5 years. I really tried to keep the peace and even occasionally i would make more conversation with her and a few times we got along. Then she would just continue the bullcrap and invade, invade, invade. I did say things to my wife that were mean towards her mother but it was frustration and anger coming out. My wife even would tell me i was right and agree with me. Then never talk to her mother about these things that she agreed weren't right or tell me she did talk to her and really never got the point accross.

 

Needless to say after 7.5 years i took the approach to make amends with her mother. I sat her down and said look... I love your daugheter. She is my world. And in order for us to be together "you and I" need to get along. So we on the outside did that. I put all her bs behind me and didn't allow them to affect me anymore. What happened was now i didn't have anything to argue with my wife about and it was different for her. She now had what she wanted which was for me and her mother to get along. So no problem right? No, then she started to say that the resentment towards me about the mother situation didn't go away and she felt less in love with me about it. Thats when my wife started to find very small, little, stupid things to blame the end of our relationship over.

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Well, reconciliation is always welcome especially since children are involved. In reading your post it doesn't sound like there are ultimate deal breakers.

 

However, you need to have frank discussion about what the both you want and expect if you plan a future getting back together.

 

Can you explain her problems (with you, marriage etc. )?

 

The problems were her mother, and the little stupid things any marriage goes through. Stress from new job, baby, house, dog. To be honest it was alot all at once. We both had new jobs, just moved into our 2nd house (bigger), kids. The normal stuff.

 

To make the case a little easier to understand... She had a very rough childhood and didnt like ANY and i mean ANY negativity. Even if it was over a 30.00 bill. Everything affected her like it was the end of the world. Even a small disagreement.

 

Basically after the 7.5 year mark, my wife began losing interest in working on the marriage. She felt that I shouldn't be mad at a credit card bill, or that she goes out and spends money like its water, etc. The normal stuff.

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I have an ex mother in law who is just like that. She would even go as far as to tell my ex that I would say something...that I didn't! She always tried to drive a wedge between us..and he would listen.

 

I feel for ya. I know it takes a lot of willpower to bite your lip on matters like that.

 

The bottom line is, if she isn't willing to repair this marriage, it's lost. And by your other post, it seems she's just looking for things to fight about. She has no major complaints?

 

She isn't happy with her marriage, because she isn't happy with herself.

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Ok, first off I realize this your side of the story but,

 

Wow, I feel sorry for you man. It sounds like your wife has major issues, possibly bipolar disorder.

 

I would still consider trying, but your wife has to agree to counseling and changing her attitude towards her mother and making her family (you & the girls) her priority. If she doesn't agree and admits no blame or fault, there is no hope she will change.

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Assuming you got back together - how would the mother-in-law situation change?

 

Well that is a good question. I would basically do the same thing by just not allowing her mother to affect "me". There isn't anything more I can do because I tried the quiet approach. I would just basically just make her mother finally accept me by example. Do the things I always did which was take care of our kids and her daughter. Her mother even admitted that she felt unsafe of her daughter without me. And thats the weird part. Both her and her mother say i am an awesome father, and her mother even said I was a good guy. But she still doesn't like me.

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I have an ex mother in law who is just like that. She would even go as far as to tell my ex that I would say something...that I didn't! She always tried to drive a wedge between us..and he would listen.

 

I feel for ya. I know it takes a lot of willpower to bite your lip on matters like that.

 

The bottom line is, if she isn't willing to repair this marriage, it's lost. And by your other post, it seems she's just looking for things to fight about. She has no major complaints?

 

She isn't happy with her marriage, because she isn't happy with herself.

 

Its amazing how most people can pick up on this like you have so quickly. Thats exactly it. My wife has NEVER been happy with herself. She always changes things. In 8.5 years she bought 7 new cars, got a boob job, goes tanning everyday, changes hair color montly, new clothes, 5 jobs in 8.5 years, multiple jobs, always looking for something new.

 

I would joke with her all the time and say, "you change everything about yourself, when are you going to change me out?" Damnit if it didn't happen.

 

But the reason she is not happy with herself is cause of her childhood. She was abused by her uncle and her father was a very bad person. Drugs, beating her mother, etc. So i know it was tough. That just created the person she is today.

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Ok, first off I realize this your side of the story but,

 

Wow, I feel sorry for you man. It sounds like your wife has major issues, possibly bipolar disorder.

 

I would still consider trying, but your wife has to agree to counseling and changing her attitude towards her mother and making her family (you & the girls) her priority. If she doesn't agree and admits no blame or fault, there is no hope she will change.

 

We actually did go to counseling but it was for the wrong reason. She only went because she felt "I" needed the help with dealing with her and her mother. It wasn't our issues. Our issues were created by her mother and spilled onto our marriage.

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Canit....

Hi, sorry to welcome you here.

 

Many here like us, I was married 20 years, with her for 23. Same as with you, adored her, the soulmate and all that stuff, great...no, awsome and passionate frequent sex that I felt like weas the most divine thing ever (I find it wasn't, and can be much better)

She split on me 1 year ago this month, we've been divorced 2 months now.

 

Like you, mine didn't want to talk and just left. Yes, lots of factors contribute to things, but I was willing to do whatever it took, whatever counseling I just thought we deserved to "try", but like many will tell you here, she had already "left" before she physically left the house, probably been in her mind for a year or longer, but that's how it happens, they are prepared already and when that bus strikes you down and you are bleeding in the road as you watch it roll away, they never look in the rear view mirror because thay might have to look at the battered person lying in the road, the person they claimed to love.

 

I found out she may have already had a B/F before she left, but it has no bearing on the situation as it is now. I had to accept he as gone and don't want to go back, she sliced off to much of me to even think of taking her back but i needen't worry, she wouldn't come back anyway.

 

I was forced to really question....

 

Is it her I'm really in love with?? or is it simply my comfort and familiarity with this woman?? After a few months, I was able to objectively say that it was the comfort and familiarity I was lamenting, not the woman. Yes I loved her, but we are capable of loving many on this planet, she's not the only one and since 23 years had passed, the chances are extremely good that i'll find someone more in line with what I am like now.

 

What to do?? N/C or L/C and STOP HAVING SEX WITH HER!!!

 

Throw yourself into the kids and yourself, do things you like, see friends, etc.

 

I threw myself into my guitar, music and playing out. I played everynight I could get, even if it means driving 45 miles to open mic or setting up on the sidewalk downtown and playing for tips, I go do it....

 

I'm not alone in our empty house with the ghosts and I meet people and I love to be on-stage. Time stands still and it's like a drug to hear applause, and hey....the attention from girls is very sweet indeed...

 

Point is, do something you love or find some new thing to do!1 Do something you've wanted to do. link removed is cool for finding others who like the same stuff.

 

The less questions you ask, the less you text or call about the relationship, the more "businesslike" you are dealing only with the children, will help you.

 

Always remember, never ask a question unless you are prepared for ALL the possible answers. I just stopped asking so long ago I stopped caring, I knew it would be answers I didn't want or sometimes worse.........no answer at all.

 

Be strong, all are here for you it gets better, the unknown "limbo-land" you are in right now is the worst, the "not-knowing" used to kill me too.........after you know where the yacht is sailing, it gets better, you can at least make a plan and have some hope again.

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I hear ya. I just know that based on her history with her childhood and anything else in that equation that she is suffering right now. It's not her fault. She really has no direction other than her single friends telling her what to do. She is very closed minded right now because any thought of our "happy times" makes her crumble. And she is so tired of feeling sad that she's doing anything that will make her temporarily happy. Even if that means running away and going full blast to cover up her sadness.

 

I really believe that if I was a horrible husband and treated her like crap that she wouldn't have left. Its in her nature to accept negativity i think.

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So since she agreed to a date, should I go? Should I think that she is opening the door a little to see how things go? She has told me that she is afraid I am going to want to talk about the relationship in the past and that it depends on me that she actually shows up. I guess she feels like I smother her when I say, "hey lets talk and work this out".

 

Thoughts?

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So since she agreed to a date, should I go? Should I think that she is opening the door a little to see how things go? She has told me that she is afraid I am going to want to talk about the relationship in the past and that it depends on me that she actually shows up. I guess she feels like I smother her when I say, "hey lets talk and work this out".

 

Thoughts?

 

If someone is breaking up with you, and saying "no more", and saying "not now", and saying "not interested", then you have one choice, and only one choice. You give them distance. You don't merely give them cursorary distance, but extreme distance. You give them more distance then you imagine that they can handle. And you don't combine that with vindictiveness. You are polite. You are cordial.

 

Is what you're attempting to do right now going to work? No, it won't work. None of the dynamics have changed. The only thing that's different is that she misses you a little bit. She still knows how hung up you are on her so she's under no impetus to act at all. None. It will remain like this until you two end up despising each other unless you do it differently. The reconcilliation CAN NOT come from you. It just can't.

 

You're looking at this like it's a puzzle you can solve. "If I can just find the right words..." "If I just did it a little bit differently this time." In your mind it's "I need a word to save my life." But that's the wrong take. This puzzle can't be solved by you. It's missing pieces. Step away from the idea that there's something you could say or do differently other then polite detachment. You can't.

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As lostandhurt and surfjon have said, welcome to the club.

 

As DYT has said she is just not happy with herself. Does she blame and complain alot? Does she have material wants that never seem to be satisfied?

In doing so, she is seeking that fleeting feeling of fufillment. Once it dissapates there will be something else to be desired that will give her that feeling. On and on as if in a drug addiction. Nothing is good enough. Even the house is never clean enough.

 

We all do this but to differing degrees. It is the level that we allow these egoic needs to dominate our lives that sets our level of dysfunction. Dysfunction that affects all of our relationships.

 

The perceived state of huge unhappiness (an emotion) needs a cause. The most highly emotional setting for us is our intimate relationship. That is where the direction of blame and complain is pointed. It is the marriage that is causing me all of this pain. "Once I get out of it, I 'll be happy again. I think I was pretty happy before I got married so I will be again when I am not".

 

Just some thoughts.

 

As for going on a date? If you can do it without ANY expectations and just go with her to enjoy the moments that present themselves, why harm can it do you? If you cannot, then you set yourself up for disappointment and additional pain.

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I haven't felt like if i say the right thing this will fix or piece the puzzle together. She has been the one that has been talking to me and acting interested again. We have been getting along well in the recent weeks and she even mentioned going out together with the kids. Which is a shock to me. That led me to initiate the question of a date. And she said yes.

 

Is that her opening the door a little to see how it might go?

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Dude, I'm sorry you are going through this.

 

I would go on the date, and be as cool as possible. Let her do the talking, and if she says she wants to move on. Just agree with her. Don't try to fight her. The truth is, there is nothing you are going to say that is going to win her back, or change her mind.

 

She knows you love her. She knows you are heartbroken. You need to show her your strong, and indifferent side.

 

If you are an emotional person, your indifference may cause a reaction out of her. If she says what the matter with you. Just stay the course. Tell her in a cool way; I am not going to change your decision so, why fight it. Tell her just learning to accept her decision.

 

She may just want to vent, or share her feelings. Just listen, and try to understand. That's it. Don't offer solutions, unless she asks. She may listen to them, but it just may be to a gauge where you are at emotionally.

 

I know it may seem like your playing a game. But you need to do this. You need to guard your heart, and put the ball in her court.

 

Go out, be cool, have fun, but share all your feelings. The word that comes to mind is stoic. You need to make her wonder, and make her feel the pain of not only losing you physically, but emotionally.

 

 

Good luck bro!

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I really don't know what to expect from this date. To back track a bit... We agreed to lunch on Wednesday but it wasn't considered a date. It was to talk about the kids.

 

Last night while text messaging each other the topic of a date came up and thats when she said yes. I spoke to her tonight about the kids and I asked her "were you serious about a date?" She responded with "yes we will start with lunch".

 

I'm just very reluctant to even go because I have no clue why its now considered a date. Maybe I'm reading into it too much.

 

We have been talking on the phone every day for the past 3 days and even in person once and its been very cordial. Fun at times but pretty straight forward.

 

I can already tell you that she is NOT going to talk about our past. I don't think she wants to do that.

 

Here is what I am thinking she will do. Talk about the kids, talk normal life stuff and thats it. I think she has the door open slightly to see how things go. If it goes well then fine, maybe a 2nd lunch date or whatever might come out of it. Talks go good from day to day and dates happen then ok.

 

I think she has it in her mind that she will give not our relationship a shot again, but she will give "me" a shot again for us to start "another one". She is the type of person to always put things in the past and move on. But never get over them because they are buried deep and it haunts her later on. I can say with confidence that she feels like this is her last "ill try" but in this way. She probably feels the past marriage/relationship is not a place she wants to start or continue from. In all honesty the marriage/relationship was not a problem. It was all the responsibility, commitment, working at it, understanding that as you grow older some tendencies might change or interests, etc.

 

The passion was always there from me and her for a long time, then it started to subside on her part little by little. I would ask her about it and she would say its nothing, blah, etc. Then it would spark a little and subside again. I think thats where the downfall began as the other relationship things started to bother her.

 

To make it even more clear, I used to work a 2nd shift from 1-930pm and didn't get home until 10 for the first 5 years of our relationship. All we wanted was for me to get home at 5pm like her to have family dinner time etc. When that happened finally i noticed a change. I was around more. She couldn't just jump up and go as she pleased to anywhere she wanted. Or yap on the phone for hours without me saying hey im home do you want to spend time or hey lets do this. To me it became a distraction for her. I even brought this up to her at one point and she even asked me "Is it possible for you to go back to your old shift?" And that was her way of saying look, im independent and need more space. But I rejected and said this is what we always wanted. And she didn't say anything else. But basically that is when i think the real relationship started because now it was harder for her to do what she wanted all the time. Not saying i kept her from anything but when you are married with someone and everyday your wife is not home or runs out then you start to ask questions.

 

I definitly didn't want to be in a marriage/relationship where it was based on never seeing each other. Thats how it seemed for years and we hated it. I would see her in the early morning and not until 10pm. Then we would have the weekends. So basically it was maybe a total of 3 days together. Maybe it cramped her style and i never knew it. Maybe it was too much for her to have a husband around alot more. I never put any pressure to cook, cause i did 50/50. Or kept her from doing anything she wanted to. I think it was just the pressure on her that I was home and she probably felt she "needed" to be home. And this was making her feel differently.

 

I know im rambling but im on a roll...

 

To add to all of this... When she started her newer job she had a girl that works with her that is the glorifying single woman. She dates older men that takes her on vacations, spends money on them, and there are no "relationship" commitments. Its jus sex and money and the single life. She would always say how her friend was just out and about but would follow up with that "she will always be alone". Well I really believe that is what she looked at as "what she now wanted to be". I was cramping her style at home and she saw this single girl who got what she wanted and had all this single fun (which my wife NEVER got to do). We met when I was 21 and she was 19. She was very sheltered and didn't go out partying. She always stayed home and to me was VERY mature for her 19 years. She cooked for her mom and brother, did the laundry, stayed home, etc.

 

I did a little single life but nothing major. I didn't care though cause I was looking to settle down. Too many girls with issues and my wife didn't seem to want to be the partier. She gave me the impression and even told me she wanted to be with me and only me and life the so called "marriage life".

 

During the time I was now at home at 5pm, money became an issue for the first time. For years we had our own accounts and due to the new home and job situation we had to combine. This caused some problems because she wasn't able to just go out and spend money like it was water. We both make a pretty decent living but you still have to be froogle and save. To be frank the money was non-existant. She spends beyond her and "my" means and has no regard for it. Not even buying expensive things. Theres no materialistic tendencies here, just buying cheap clothes, food, more food, and more cheap clothes, things for the house when we don't need them, presents for family, etc, etc, etc. Before I knew it the account was in the negative almost bi-weekly. And I was always wondering why. Not only that she would spend so much time on the cell phone that her minutes were used up in the first few days of the month. And to top it off, it was almost all calls to her mother. One month I totalled over 1500 mintues on her cell phone just to her mother and less than 200 to others. That would set us back almost 300 bucks extra on a phone bill.

 

So as you can see this is a small portion of what has happened and why I have no idea what Wednesday will bring. Sorry to rant and go on but it just all came out.

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