They text you, and when you text them back, they don't reply. Am I overreacting? :>

[blackandwhite]

I want to "reconcile" with a guy I was casually dating for a few months. I posted here about feeling unsure of what I should do...

 

We met after two months of NC; I thought it was our last meeting and I didn't talk about reconciliation. Then, two days later, he sent a text asking me whether or not we were planning on meeting again. I answered yes and then he sent another text and I sent one back. He didn't contact me in three days following my text, but sent one this Monday and then one on Tuesday. I replied to both, initiated contact on Wednesday, he shortly replied, and again he didn't contact me neither on Thursday nor Friday.

 

I initiated contact last Saturday as he was involved in an important event he organized himself and I really wanted to know how it went. He sent two texts, one asking me about my job (at 2 AM), and then next day he asked me about my holidays (yesterday in the morning). I asked about his (so there was a question in the text message) and he didn't answer (and it's almost noon now).

 

It seems there is a pattern I already noticed in other posts here: he initiates contact, sometimes repeatedly, but when I text him he doesn't answer or waits a few days. I don't understand this "pattern" and I am simply tired of this and angry. Am I overreacting? He was really busy these last two days, but for me it's rude not to answer someone's text when there was a question in it, isn't it...

 

He usually waits one-two weeks after his initial "shall we meet" text to fix a date, so maybe I should just wait? I would talk to him and then go NC, but since he is interested (?) in another meeting I don't want to lose this because of my impatience.

 

So now I'm venting here... it's ok, if I didn't, I would probably phone him and he could be pretty miserable then...

[Lana0120]

I think you're overreacting when you don't get a response to every text and every question. I know sometimes when I'm texting or e-mailing people, I forget to answer all of their questions. I DO answer the important questions though, like those pertaining to meeting, and it irritates me when people don't answer them. Fortunately, I pick wisely with my friends and acquaintances, so it doesn't happen to me too often. It seems to me like you're investing too much in this guy, when he's not investing anything in you. He may have a vague interest in you, but if he was seriously interested, he wouldn't let two weeks pass. If you want a serious relationship, don't waste any more time on this man. That's my take on the situation.

[Hayles]

I think he wants to make sure you are thinking of him.... when he is thinking of you in the lonely late hours... but he doesn't truly want anything to come of it... Or, he could be hoping that you will respond with something more direct about catching up!

[blackandwhite]

Thank you both very much!

 

Well, I realize he's not "madly in love" with me, unfortunately - we wouldn't have met only once in a month last year if he was, to begin with. The problem is I rarely fall in love, and if I do, it's not always possible to be in a relationship/date the person I'm in love with... That's why I am so interested in him and so conflicted... That's why I care so much.

 

It seems he sometimes doesn't know what he wants. He dated other people when we met, and in one of the conversations we had he told me he was dating a girl and that he may decide to be in a relationship with her. Ten minutes (!) later he told me he didn't want to be with her, he was tired and wanted to be alone. In two days' time he told me he didn't date her any more, he's alone...

 

I agree, he probably doesn't realise I'm waiting for him to text me back; I'll probably get a "have a nice day" text in a few days' time. But I'm not sure, there were 2-3 situations in the past when I repeatedly called him/texted him and he wouldn't answer.

 

The problem is, I told him we couldn't be friends and I didn't want him to contact me, yet he didn't even ask me if I had changed my mind and wanted to contact him as a friend. So I don't know whether or not he wants to meet me as a friend or something more. And that's important to me, I'm afraid...

[BetterKarma]

It doesn't matter what you told him, he wants to make sure that you're still sitting there in the sidelines waiting for him. It's an ego boost for him.

 

Next time he makes a friendly text, just ignore it. You have enough friends, you don't need him as a friend. Practice NC and hopefully it will help you move on.

[surfjon]

I agree, sometimes when I text a girl and I don't hear back, it peaks my interest a bit. If I play along, I usually hear from them eventually, sometimes it takes a week but whatever.....it's part of the game.

 

Nobody should make themselves "too available"

[blackandwhite]

Thanks.

 

True, I should just ignore him. Yesterday I just wanted to talk to him and really considered becoming his friend for a moment. I found his old postcards/letters he sent me ten years ago and I felt I was ready to forgive him his games and let go. After all, if he doesn't love me/doesn't want to be in a relationship with me, but wants to be friends with me - why should I say no to this? Should I manipulate, force him to love me, play games? To some extent, that's what I did sometimes; that's what most people sometimes do I guess, but that's selfish. (On the other hand, "All’s fair in love and war", they say...)

 

I started to text him yesterday (making myself more available in this way... ) because I wanted something real, be it friendship, or anything else. But it seems he is still into playing games/doesn't have time to talk, so any real communication/relation is not possible, although he repeatedly shows he doesn't want me to disappear from his life. I'm just disappointed. I don't expect him to fall in love with me, that would be ridiculous, but when you dump someone, shouldn't you be nice to them at least and not play "text games"? Playing games is very unfair because basically I'm the dumpee and he knows I want to be in a relationship with him and I'd like to see him/talk to him more often.

 

PS As for the last text, there are also "other options" (other then "he has forgotten" or "he's playing games" ;-) :

 

1) he is jealous as in my last text I told him where I went on my holidays in detail, and he's going nowhere as he has to finish his MA in one month, lol ...

2) he is getting over a hangover at the moment (there must have been a party yesterday after the event had ended ... )

3) his Ex didn't show up at the event and he's crying with despair now...

4) he was kidnapped by aliens

 

time will tell

 

(Am I overanalyzing? ;-) )

[BeStrongBeHappy]

I know someone like this...

 

Most likely these are just little status checks, his way of trying to keep you on the hook and interested, but not TOO close or with any expectations of him. He wants to be able to pop in and out when he's in the mood, but if he's not or has better alternatives at the moment, then he doesn't reply.

 

If he becomes too reliable in his reply, then you will expect him to be reliable all the time or expect more from him than he wants to give. So he is playing a game if intermittent reinforcement. That works great for him, but sucks for you.

 

Or else he's just playing stupid control games.

 

Regardless, it IS rude to ignore a friend's text or email until the next day, unless they are a pest who constantly texts. For example, if you get a text in the morning, there must be SOME time during the day to return a text (short of being kidnapped by aliens).

[CrapAtNC]

Maybe he's trying to pique your interest.

 

Maybe he's an ENAer and he's being told to take it slow and only respond to two out of three messages.

 

Maybe it's because he likes you.

 

Or maybe he falls asleep before he gets your response.

[blackandwhite]

BeStrongBeHappy,

 

You hit the nail on the head.

 

It seems in our "dating relationship" he always wanted to make me stay in a place where I was not too close to him and not too far away from him at the same time. When I was tired of this situation and wanted to end it (a few times), he would completely lose his nerve and get mad at me, and then (usually in the same conversation) he would try being nice and reconciling. On the other hand, when I wanted to get closer to him, he would either stop communicating (e.g. when I was loving or tender in a text) or he would accuse me of specifying "conditions" he should meet to be with me (e.g. when I told him I'd like to meet him more often and I had to know whether or not he was dating other people).

 

I now understand how it works (that is, the pattern), but I still don't understand why would someone behave in this way. It's absolutely incomprehensible to me (the more so as it cost him a lot of work sometimes to keep this status quo).

 

I also wonder whether or not he is conscious of his don't-be-too-close-but-don't-leave-me game.

[blackandwhite]

Maybe he's trying to pique your interest.

 

Maybe he's an ENAer and he's being told to take it slow and only respond to two out of three messages.

 

Maybe it's because he likes you.

 

Or maybe he falls asleep before he gets your response.

I'd like to believe that

 

Unfortunately, he knows he can just ask me to meet him, and I would probably agree to do so. The only thing that could make him a bit hesitant about it is that he is not sure whether or not I'm dating a certain guy I told him about He may not want to be with me, but he is jealous and may be hurt believing there is maybe someone I like better than him.

 

"Or maybe he falls asleep before he gets your response."

 

That's my favourite so far ;-), and yes, it usually takes me from 30 mins to 12 hours to reply.

[blackandwhite]

I left a message on IM for him 20 mins ago (it says I'd like to talk to him, 5 to 20 mins)- there was a status message next to his name, so I guess he's there, yet he is not very willing to answer. I phoned him, too, but he didn't answer. Now, if he doesn't contact me today, I'll just send him a message and tell him not to contact me anymore. In this way, I'll get back my peace of mind

 

I'm not quite sure what I will say if he contacts me though, it depends on what he has to say.

[blackandwhite]

My "ex" returned my phone call so I asked him for an IM conversation (it was almost two weeks ago). In a few hours after the call I sent him a text saying I was disappointed and sad and that I thought there was nothing much to say (+ a goodnight kiss, just out of the blue, as we didn't send those any more) (I know, that doesn't sound like a good way of reconciling with an ex but I felt terribly... ). He answered at 2 AM saying he knows this (I'm sad), he heard this in my voice when we talked, that's why he tried to call me instantly after his first call.

 

We talked the next day (he said he was cut off from the Internet... well...) and it was a nice conversation. I apologized for my text and he said it was ok and that it was probably his fault as he had been again busy with his work and other things and he hadn't planned anything in advance again, also, neglecting me. I described how I felt in the situation when he texted me and then didn't answer when I replied to his texts - I was straightforward about the way I felt and told him I had wanted to stop contacting him but maybe it was "workable" now when we talked... He said he still felt we had "communication problems" but he (him, not me!) suggested that we might meet and talk about them in person exactly the way we talked now on IM. I agreed and I asked him if we could meet after my holidays (in about ten days' time from then, we agreed on the day (today), but we didn't fix the time and place). He said the timing was ok, he would do his work by then and he could "plan things."

 

It seems his behaviour changed - he started to text me more often, he promised he would IM me the next day, and he did. Then I went on holidays with my friends and he would initiate contact, he even sent me three goodnight kisses in a text once, and then four In general he sent me a few texts in a day during my vacation (and I don't like talking on the phone).

 

Unfortunately, as we agreed to meet today, I phoned him yesterday and he said he had forgotten we were supposed to meet today!!

 

He was/still is in another town 500 km away (I knew that, he sent me a few mmses from there yesterday) and he stayed there until today. He apologised and said he would go to my town instead when he is back home (we live 50 km apart) this week to make up for his mistake. I asked him to phone me tomorrow to fix the time and place (Thursday).

 

Obviously, I'm angry again and I don't know whether I should meet him or not. He constantly keeps forgetting: about texts, about dates, about my plans (eg. when I exactly leave for my holidays), he interrupts our IM conversations to water his plants (!!) ](*,) (Once, a few months ago, he even confused days and turned up to meet me a day before we were supposed to meet, then he waited for hours and called me asking why I wasn't there....)

 

But then he sends me a few texts a day, initiates contact and apologises, and wants to sacrifice a whole day of his really busy time to come to my town and to talk to me...

 

Apart from that, I realize he has every right to be afraid of a relationship with me as I am not an easygoing person... So maybe it's me who is constantly messing up...

 

I know I probably sound like a crazy person now but I still hope there is a solution and I don't want to give up this hope.

 

 

](*,)

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Run far away from this man. His wishy washy tactics won't change, they will just get worse and the more you complain, the more you will start to feel like you are at fault. I have been in your shoes and it doesn't get better...the more you try to adapt to their ways, the more they blow you off...until your whole life seems to revolve around whether or not they will contact you and if so, when...you wait on pins and needles for their contact. Forget it...someone who is worth it will not treat you like you are low priority. I wouldn't even bother saying anything to him...his fluff words mean nothing...his actions speak volumes. He has had too many chances and you will keep getting caught up with his grand apologies and then lack of follow through. He won't commit to you and he will play this game as long as he can and then kick you to the curb anyway. Walk away now before you waste any more time and energy...there are plenty of men out there who are not that selfish and self-absorbed.

[Pappers]

that must be annoying when he doesn't text back. You gotta have this contact on your terms, not his. So ignore his texts from now on. Only respond to emails or a call.

Or, not at all... sounds like you could do better and focus on meeting someone new instead.

[Pappers]

I know I probably sound like a crazy person now but I still hope there is a solution and I don't want to give up this hope.

 

 

](*,)

 

 

What is it exactly that you want? Sounds like he doesn't want a relationship with you... if he did, it would be clear.

 

So do you want to pursue a man that is not interested in a relationship? (because that is what you are doing now) Or, do you want to move on and have a relationship with someone else?

 

It doesn't need to be difficult! He was a casual relationship to begin with - and that means unlikely anything will come out of it now (sorry, but often the patterns of a relationship are established right at the beginning).

 

Find love with someone that can return a text

[Pappers]

he even sent me three goodnight kisses in a text once, and then four

]

 

 

this is peanuts.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

this is peanuts.

 

Yep, I agree. It is so easy to send little cutesy lovey dovey hints to keep the other person hooked...but if it is not followed up with concrete actions, spending time together, being reliable etc then those cutesy "kisses" mean nothing.

[blackandwhite]

I tried to isolate myself from him, I sent a text saying our relation didn't work and he's not reliable (he didn't call me to confirm our meeting again). But two hours later we were talking on IM again and we decided to talk once again on August 28th; again he mentioned "communication problems", then it took him one minute (!) to answer the question whether or not he was dating someone (he said no but then mysteriously added "but, well, yes, actually I don't know what I should do with myself" (It's hard to translate this one)). Asked about the latter phrase, he said "well, because I don't know, because when you say I'm the one who causes problems here, and let's say it's so, there's really something wrong with our relation" And then "I keep postponing everything, but that's because I believe everything will turn out well, but sometimes it doesn't"

 

He once again suggested we might talk once again and I agreed. Asked why he kept sending nice texts he said "because I would like to send them I cannot find any other explanation I'm afraid" - the problem is in our "big" conversations when we meet..."

[blackandwhite]

Or, not at all... sounds like you could do better and focus on meeting someone new instead.

 

 

The problem is I'm now completely lost and I DON'T BELIEVE I can do any better...

 

The problem is in me, too, I'm afraid. It's easy to blame him - he's not reliable, he doesn't know what he wants, he doesn't know whether or not he wants to be in a relationship (not with me but in general). But the sad truth is that there IS something wrong with me, it seems.

 

When we decided we wouldn't meet any more in April I started dating another guy: he was reliable, serious, nice, cheerful. We met every weekend and although I was in love with the first guy, I was serious about the new one. We met six times and then he stopped communicating, but before he did this, he initiated a long, seemingly casual conversation in which he more or less told me "what was wrong" (it was so "casual" I didn't even realise it was his way to end it).

 

It's striking how the two guys said EXACTLY the same things about my "problems with communication"...

 

they BOTH said:

 

1) it's difficult to put it into words but "there's something wrong" and they "get it" somehow on a subconscious level

2) I don't talk about myself and my life ("intimate" conversations)

3) I don't initiate threads in conversations

4) I'm aloof/reserved, I'm not "there" with them

5) I don't show my emotions - simple emotions like those of people who are glad because they've had a good meal (that's an example one of them gave (guess which one )

6) I don't ask questions about their life

7) they have to do all the work to keep the conversation going

8 ) I'm "tense" or "nervous"

 

 

The one who is not reliable also said I'm contrary and every conversation with me is like a fight... or I talk like a teacher - which is something I cannot understand, as he was/is the one I was/am in love with

 

The two guys are extraverts while I'm an introvert (and they are "relationship experienced" why I'm not), but I had similar problems with introverts: in one case we were dating casually for a long time and when I pressed for more he said he wasn't sure of his feelings and wouldn't take my time any more, and in another situation someone said it was nice and really interesting to talk to me, yet we wouldn't work as a couple because "something wasn't there" in the way we talked.

 

I have to add that I've always considered myself a happy person and I really long for an intimate relationship. I'm often complimented on being intelligent and sensitive; I'd love to give my time/feeling/emotions to someone. I was happy to be single for a long time but now I'm 35 and I suddenly "woke up" - and I'm terrified because I cannot go beyond a "casual realationship" with anyone.

 

I'd like to work on myself and change this damn "something which doesn't seem right" but as I don't really know what it really is, how can I do it????

 

I now realise I should try counseling, but I don't really believe it will help. The easiest way would be to be in a relationship and to learn firsthand But as this is clearly something I am not able to do - that's a vicious circle...

 

](*,)

[BeStrongBeHappy]

It is always good to try to assess oneself to see what you can improve, BUT you shouldn't take everything someone else says as gospel.

 

Especially when you ex is behaving like a jerk. He can 'blame' you for all kinds of things, but the reality is he wasn't behaving very well.

 

I'd try to get more of a status check from friends to see if they say the same things about you. If it is only someone breaking up with you (or behaving badly), then maybe it is them, not you.

 

I think counseling would help you to talk about and explore these things. You can talk about what has happened in your relationships and ask for the counselor's opinions.