Kahdeksan Posted July 28, 2008 Share Posted July 28, 2008 The dynamics of our relationship has been pretty much a turbulent one to say the least... with circumstances conspiring to jeopardize our relationship. I have been living with my ex for almost two years now, until recently our break up of about a week or more ago. She lived with me along with other house mates, some of them were my siblings, and others were not. I don't ask her for board or rent, and as such, the other housemates resent this fact because she doesn't carry her weight around the house either, she doesn't contribute per say... cleaning, what have you, but mostly I attributed this to her depression and anxiety. So there is this ‘whole’ resentment growing against her and indeed me, and up until recently there was this big physical fight that broke out around May of this year which involved my siblings and another housemate, and of course, me. I kept my cool even though I was punched severely on the face – the accusations made against me were false – I didn’t want her to see my ‘bad’ side (I used to be a rough neck), and I knew I had done nothing wrong so I took the blows. I made my point loud and clear in the end when the parties involved calmed down. Eventually the message was understood, and I got an apology... Anyways, my ex was terrified, anxious and scared, and this happened a lot, not the physical fights but the resentment I got from the other housemates against her. So who did they make the escape goat, me, everyone put me down in front of her and accused me of doing or not doing the things which were required from the tenants. She kept saying that she’d get me out of that crack house... Skip a few days... We knew we had to move out TOGETHER, and so we were house hunting, I was also job hunting at this stage as my savings were dwindling. I had enough saved to last me a while but I hadn’t anticipated on supporting her as well, nevertheless that’s what I did, because she was out job hunting too, management closed down and she was out of a job. I had left my job hunting to far too late a time... but in reality; I made the mistake of waiting for her to move out on her own first... when she was working. Hence I foolishly did nothing. But she didn’t make enough... Rejection after rejection she fell down and hard to her depression. To such a degree that she was unable to get out of the bed. I could do nothing at this stage. I’ve always been there for her, and by being there too much for her, it lead her to believe that my life was ‘empty’! That all I HAD in my life was HER. She could not take it! I told her that, “I’m going to HELP you beat this depression, get your business in order and then I WILL work on my own things!” I HAD put my own career on hold because I felt she needed all of ME, present, to be there for her when she was down. Skip another few days... At this stage, she now just wanted to go home to her parents who lived out of state. Because of what I said to her, “If I love you enough, I’d let you go.” But after we talked she decided to stay. Skip a few more days... We had found some nice places around the city. One place in particular caught our eyes, which we were going to see and put an application for in the afternoon. The phone suddenly rings early in the morning, it’s her mum, and turns out she had asked my ex to go back to them, and on a holiday with them. Without talking to me or anything she said 'YES'! She said she’d go, and she’d NOT return at all, no matter what. I was deeply hurt and didn’t know what her decision was based upon. She didn’t tell me, but told her mum that she felt trapped and suffocated, and that she had no friends. Had to put up with me 24/7 which was driving her MENTAL. That broke my heart... I knew she was going through all this, but yet, I DID too much for her. I stayed by her side because I knew the other housemates didn’t like her... I couldn’t just leave her alone while I go out and do my thing. Everything I DID had back fired. Fast forward to the last few weeks, to a time before my NC... She had decided that she’d come back to me after her holiday and when I settle everything over here with my job and a house, she said she’d return. We talked on the phone and one day I ring up. Her dad picks up the phone and tells me it’s over. Devastated I just told him to say my ‘goodbyes’ to her, he said he would. After a few hours I call her mobile, she finally answered, we talked and I told her in a calm voice that she should have told me that she wanted to break up. Not get her dad to do it. So that was it, I talked to her a day before she left for her vacation, wished her well and all that. She said I could find someone better than her, but I assured her that she was SPECIAL, to me. So after that, she then said we’d talk when she returns.... It’s so far been more than a week now... just a few more weeks before she returns, and I am at a loss, don’t really know what to say.... kinda in a limbo right now too. Don’t know where I stand. Where she stands. Can anyone make sense out of this? I know I did a lot of things wrong, but meant them in a good way, which back fired... I know I left the job hunting to too late and so forth. AND I NOW know how much she was suffocating... It’ll be a long distance relationship when she gets back from her holiday... as she'll be staying with her parents. How the hell am I going to win her back? Link to comment
Lana0120 Posted July 28, 2008 Share Posted July 28, 2008 I'm not sure why you'd want someone back who didn't even have the guts to break up with you herself. That's an act of pure cowardice. Even a letter would actually have been a step up from that. Are you sure that you even want to win her back? Link to comment
Kahdeksan Posted July 28, 2008 Author Share Posted July 28, 2008 Lana, she's been through so much... in her childhood years. I FAILED her, I didn't do enough... and I guess I just fell in LOVE with her. My family and friends have been telling me that I can do better... but it's not about that... I invested a lot of emotional feelings and time into this relationship. Link to comment
Lana0120 Posted July 28, 2008 Share Posted July 28, 2008 From where I'm sitting, it doesn't sound like you failed her at all. Fact is, humans are not perfect, they make mistakes. It doesn't sound as though you made as many mistakes as some people make. I think your friends and family happen to be right about this one. No matter how much you invested in this and how much you care, I think you do have to walk away from this. I know that's not what you want to hear, but I think you're only going to open yourself up to much more heartache if you keep blaming yourself and chasing after her. Link to comment
Kahdeksan Posted July 28, 2008 Author Share Posted July 28, 2008 Sigh... there was also a lot of infidelity involved too... at the beginning of the relationship. I didn't want to bring this up.... but she cheated on me with two guys that I KNOW for sure! And I'm pretty sure she cheated on me with her cousin as well after my birthday! It took so MUCH out of me to forgive her, it took so much! But I'm so glad that I DID forgive her... you see, THIS is why I want her back, because we went through so much... Link to comment
ghostgirl116 Posted July 28, 2008 Share Posted July 28, 2008 oh wow... don't you think she'd cheat again? she cheated on you with her own family member? i know you've invested a lot in this thing, but she just doesn't sound like she has been worthy, or really even wanted it. i've had a really rough childhood... most folks who know my history wonder that i'm still sane (ok, i might be a little nutty!), but i know right from wrong. and cheating on your s.o. is wrong... i'm not going to sugar coat that one. she knew that she was cheating... and atleast twice? you sound like a stand up guy. please don't give any more of yourself to her. (((((((())))))))gg Link to comment
Lana0120 Posted July 28, 2008 Share Posted July 28, 2008 You should want to be with someone because of the way they make you happy and fulfilled. Not because you stayed with them through a lot of rubbish. You're trying to justify the relationship, because it's easier to want to be with this girl than to admit that you wasted your time on someone who cared so little. *hugs* Link to comment
Kahdeksan Posted July 28, 2008 Author Share Posted July 28, 2008 oh wow... don't you think she'd cheat again? she cheated on you with her own family member? i know you've invested a lot in this thing, but she just doesn't sound like she has been worthy, or really even wanted it. i've had a really rough childhood... most folks who know my history wonder that i'm still sane (ok, i might be a little nutty!), but i know right from wrong. and cheating on your s.o. is wrong... i'm not going to sugar coat that one. she knew that she was cheating... and atleast twice? you sound like a stand up guy. please don't give any more of yourself to her. (((((((())))))))gg Yes, when I questioned her, she said she had strong intentions of sleeping with her cousin... I did not ask if she had slept with him... because her body language HAD told me the story. Nothing wrong with being nutty, heh, in fact I like being nutty at times. But she had issues... See, the thing with cheating is that there are other factors correlating to a partner cheating - and I don't mean to say that it's ok to cheat - it isn't! Just that I choose to see that there are other factors that would lead a partner to cheat on someone, like not giving them enough affection so they went with the one that gave them what they wanted when they couldn't get any affection from the relationship. With my ex, there were some serious issues that stem from her childhood years which lead to her being the way that she is... I've just come to the point where I have to accept someone for all their flaws, because anything can be worked on if the right effort is put into it. I get asked, why, why do you still want her when you can get hotter girls... I LOVE her, as simple as that. But after her holiday, if she chooses not to have anything to do with me, I'll move on.... Link to comment
Kahdeksan Posted July 28, 2008 Author Share Posted July 28, 2008 You should want to be with someone because of the way they make you happy and fulfilled. Not because you stayed with them through a lot of rubbish. You're trying to justify the relationship, because it's easier to want to be with this girl than to admit that you wasted your time on someone who cared so little. *hugs* She does make me happy, the cheating is history, she hasn't cheated on me for a year... I don't think I've wasted my time with her. She's taught me a lot of things, that when you love someone you loved them and accept them with their flaws too... I don't know if that makes sense to anyone, but it does to me. I DID want to leave her when we had the fights about her infidelity, but she begged and begged and I didn't have the heart to kick her out of my place, she had no place to stay... Her cousin is a (the C word) and he wouldn't have let her stay with her. I also think that her parents, who are affluent and I'm obviously not, had something to do with her decision making... especially her dad, the weakest man I've known to walk the face of this planet. THANKS for the HUGS! Link to comment
Kahdeksan Posted July 29, 2008 Author Share Posted July 29, 2008 I've gained some profound perspective on this matter and I've decided that I'm not going to wait with what little hope that rest inside my broken heart... What happens, happens, but rather than hoping for a small chance, I'm just gonna get on with my things... I'll have to pick up the courage to pack her stuff... She left SO MUCH of her things at my place, it's NOT funny. One of the bedrooms is full of her clothing and her other interests... Eeew, old worn clothing too, now I'll have to wash them, hahah. Will have to ship them to her as well, the sooner the better. Some friends have told me to burn them, heh. Don't think I could do that... Link to comment
okay Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 Hey Kahdeksan, it hurts to see nice guys getting in situation like this. I feel like U lost your self, what U know is unacceptable for U is unacceptable for her. U let her walk over yourself; it’s like U’re less than a human. How can U respect U’r self, when U allow others treat U like that? U got to do right thing for U’r self, despite of how U feel: let go of this bad rel. But, U can learn from this relationship. U have to believe her—U do too much. U might think U’re dong her a favor/because U love her, but think what it does to her: she becomes a baby w/ nothing to do boredom & suffocation. U have to respect person & show in U’r actions that U believe they’re capable. U can help when they are really tired, but not all the time. Yea, U should’ve let her carry her own weight, & spent some time away on some hobby. Start practicing now: don’t send her things—let her take care of it. U can take lesson in next relationship: let person do basic things for themselves, give some time off. I know letting go will be hard for U, so go to library & find books on how to moving on. Here’s the thing, U may feel so attached because U got problems too. It’s possible that in U’r childhood U had same pattern, & keep repeating it. By the way being able to defend U’r self & others is sexy. Maybe she liked U because she saw that potential in U. But I understand if U live in a house w/ these people, it could be counterproductive, for they would always try to avenge. Link to comment
okay Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 Can I ask personal question? It would help me to understand U better & maybe be more able to help. Were U always nice, or did something changed U to become this way? Are U like that towards everyone? Link to comment
Kahdeksan Posted July 31, 2008 Author Share Posted July 31, 2008 Hey, thank you for the advice and all. I'm taking them in and trying to work on myself because I've already accepted my faults in this relationship. What I should not have done was brought her into that poisonous environment where I allowed the housemates to gang up on her and indeed me. We should have been out of there, or at least she should have, but she wasn't raking in the money to be able to move out by herself. I was suffocating, having to put up with the crap that was going on in that house too, and my ex not being able to move out, I got no time to myself either, but I just sucked it in and did nothing... bad mistake. I wasn't too sure she wanted to move out with me, because it was always in her view, that SHE needed to find a place. Not WE needed to find a place. But as I said, I left things too late. It just got to a point where I was protecting her from them, you know what I mean? But that of course got them to revenge on me. They were trying to be nice and everything to her in front of her but all their anger and negativity was directed at me. Because I WAS vulnerable. I could have easily overpowered this individual who was punching my face in while I just stood there. But I did NOT want to EVOKE the BAD me out, because if I did. I would not stop until he lay there unconscious. That was what I was afraid of, I did NOT want bloodshed. Yeah, I have problems and I was and have been involved in a violent household, but it doesn't mean that I cannot LOVE the one I care most about. I'm trying to let go... and it is hard, no one is saying otherwise, and this is a learning curve... for me, for us all, to loose the one we love. Link to comment
Kahdeksan Posted July 31, 2008 Author Share Posted July 31, 2008 Can I ask personal question? It would help me to understand U better & maybe be more able to help. Were U always nice, or did something changed U to become this way? Are U like that towards everyone? Yes something did change, I learned to love someone enough and unconditionally to be able to forgive them and accept them for who they are, with flaws and all. Letting go of grudges and hate. I am NOT like this towards everyone, though, no. See, it's just that much harder to let go when you've invested SO much into the relationship, although it wasn't healthy when we lived together in that poisonous environment, but it would have worked if we moved out of there. Such as before we lived together... Link to comment
okay Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 Of course U can love, it seen trough U’r actions. What I was trying to say is that U’r perception what love is may’ve gotten screwed up. U learned to love people who don’t love U. Maybe U can’t feel love towards people who love U, & treat U right. Link to comment
Kahdeksan Posted July 31, 2008 Author Share Posted July 31, 2008 Ah, no, no, heh, I would not love someone who wouldn't love me. We fell in love, she said she fell for me too... how true are those is not for me to guess. I was swept in the moment as lovers do. We met and were fond of each other, my feelings for her were genuine and real... back then I believe hers were too... I had other possible partners to go out with at the time... but what force got me to choose to go with her is unknown to me... I chose her, so when I found out later about her ways I was devastated, and I did the best one would in such circumstances, because of love. But I now see your point.... And I DO realize this as well. She might have never loved me, or allowed herself to as people in her mind frame often do - they protect themselves by never falling in love - which is why she left. The circumstances fell to place before she had the need to sabotage our relationship. ...and this DOES hurt. Being deceived does hurt... but she HAS said she was in love with me... Link to comment
okay Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 What I mean is most people would quit, & that now she doesn’t love U, but U do. I’m saying other people love because of both give & take, but U find people who take(& don't give back much)/whom are very problematic & need U. U may feel attracted only to people U feel sorry for, & if they got no problems U don’t feel connection. Also if U make love magic & divine, U will make it harder to let go & U won’t be able to see how to help U’r self. U know what made U'r self fall in love w/ her, but U won’t see it, if U’re not looking for it. Link to comment
Kahdeksan Posted July 31, 2008 Author Share Posted July 31, 2008 What I mean is most people would quit, & that now she doesn’t love U, but U do. I’m saying other people love because of both give & take, but U find people who take/whom are very problematic & need U. U may feel attracted only to people U feel sorry for, & if they got no problems U don’t feel connection. Also if U make love magic & divine, U will make it harder to let go & U won’t be able to see how to help U’r self. U know what made U fall in love w/ her, but U won’t see it, if U’re not looking for it. No that's not it, if I knew how she was or what her problems were before I got to even know her. I wouldn't want anything to do with her. Or people like her. There was obviously a veil of deception when I met her... During our relationship, I did think I could save her, so I hung in there for her and which in turn I put my life on hold, a mistake. But I've come to understand that I have NO control over her. My only hope is that she's willing to seek help, and if she wants to be with me, she has to get her things sorted out. Either way, I'm still going to miss her, because she needs to work on this herself. In her space.... and that will take time. But I doubt she will... so I have no hope, but it does not mean I don't love her. It doesn't mean I will be able to forget her, how can you? In time these will subside... Link to comment
okay Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 So that U know, I love nice guys, it’s just hurts to see them treated unfairly. I’m interested in how U learned to love? What about other girlfriends...how did U treat them? Ok, that's interesting. So what kind of person did U fall in love w/ (before U knew her problems?) Link to comment
Kahdeksan Posted July 31, 2008 Author Share Posted July 31, 2008 So that U know, I love nice guys, it’s just hurts to see them treated unfairly. I’m interested in how U learned to love? Ok, that's interesting. So what kind of person did U fall in love w/ (before U knew her problems?) Heh, I love nice girls too! And it hurts me to see them being treated badly. Too bad I wasn't involved with one in this relationship, although she can be nice and all, but mostly she's just confused because of her f'ed up dad... I fall in love with girls who are intelligent, funny (humour is important), charismatic, loving, caring and committed. See, she had a veil over these qualities, and that had me fooled. My ex was all of the above except for the last three. Link to comment
okay Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 Can U love someone who does not love U, does not care about U, & not committed(are these qualities not necessary for U’r love)? Link to comment
Kahdeksan Posted July 31, 2008 Author Share Posted July 31, 2008 Some people do, and like me I did, much like everyone else here who are holding onto a wee bit of hope, but I'm realizing what a wast of time it is... if it's to consume you, but isn't that why we're here? To get advice, to find solace... because we're NOT alone. Oh, and indeed those qualities are important to look for! Link to comment
Takotsubo Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 Kahdeksan: That is a deep situation you're in. I am so sorry for your predicament. You, much like myself, are still in disbelief. It is a waste of time, but you will grieve. The best thing you can do is surround yourself with people who care about you. Believe me, your friends and family will pull through for you. You're a really good person with a great heart. There are women out there just dying to be with someone like you. Link to comment
Kahdeksan Posted July 31, 2008 Author Share Posted July 31, 2008 Kahdeksan: That is a deep situation you're in. I am so sorry for your predicament. You, much like myself, are still in disbelief. It is a waste of time, but you will grieve. The best thing you can do is surround yourself with people who care about you. Believe me, your friends and family will pull through for you. You're a really good person with a great heart. There are women out there just dying to be with someone like you. Thank you so much for your warm and kind words, I really needed them this morning. The house was so empty when I woke up.... All I see are her things and it's hard not to think of her. She was really messy and would often throw her things or leave them here and there, in the most unlikely of places I'd find her things. I've been given advice on not sending her stuff, from friends, but I already told her I'd send them... not sure on what to do, in regards to her things. Yeah, I am in disbelief, which is maybe why I haven't cried yet... Doing the best I can at this moment to mentally remove her. Once again, thank you for your kind words and encouragement! Link to comment
Takotsubo Posted August 1, 2008 Share Posted August 1, 2008 We'll get through this. Believe me. You were right about the situation. People change, but relationships take hard work from both ends. Communication, I've found, is crucial to success. If someone is given the opportunity to change, but doesn't, then you will have a problem... I know you don't want to hear this, but you really deserve a lot more than what you had. The qualities of understanding that you have are really amazing. Just keep that up. You will be a success. Link to comment
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