EnPleineNuit Posted July 28, 2008 Share Posted July 28, 2008 Hi Everyone, I've been oscillating about whether or not I should even post this, but everyone here seems to be genuinely interested in helping people ... so I thought I would give it a shot. Over the course of this last year my world has been rather turned upside down. And not just mine, but the lives of all related to the events to follow have been irreversibly changed in some way. This last year brought the death of two of my really close friends. One shot himself and another swallowed pills with the full intention of never waking up ... she didn't. As a result, another friend had a nervous breakdown, she still hasn't recovered and subsequently left to places unknown. Another played the suicide card on me, couldn't deal with everything that had happened. Threatening it for over the course of three months - I did all I could think of to help, but in the end he simply wouldn't stop the constant threats that grew more and more serious as time went on ... eventually, when I just couldn't handle it anymore, I tried the suicide prevention hotline, was told to contact the police. I was on the phone with dozens of people for days trying to find him and get him some help. As a result he began extremely upset with me for getting the police involved and he sent me a final message claiming his "blood was on my hands now." I have no idea what happened after that. Apparently these events changed me in some way for the worse, as I was told by the few friends I had left, and they didn't want to hang around any longer. In the end, I was left alone and fairly broken. Which is, honestly, such a better position than what my friends had been in. I ended up leaving the town I was in, changing states, moving to a new city. I try my best everyday to put these memories out of my head, but I can't seem to. I did the drinking thing for a while, as stupid as it was, and of course it never helps ... I guess I realized that before anything terribly serious came of it. I can't seem to form any connections with people. Where once I came by friends and could start conversations easily, I am now terrified of other people. I force myself to go out, to hang around downtown cafés and bookstores, to simply be around people, but it's no use. I've really been trying to help myself. I don't want to take pills to help, I don't want to see a psychiatrist - I know what is wrong and why it is wrong. I simply need some help answering this question ... how does one go about starting over? How can I get back to making friends and being comfortable around people? Where do you start, where do you go? Being this alone only gives me more time to dwell on my thoughts and that obviously won't help things. I just don't know. I sincerely hope that this doesn't come accross as whiny, as a "why did this happen to me" sort of thing, it's not what I intended as I am hardly the victim here ... I just really could use some help dealing with it. Thanks so much. Link to comment
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