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He's great, he's gorgeous... and he's married.

E. Dane

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That paralysis is the mind's way of dealing with shock. Affairs are like riding in a lovely hot air balloon, full of fantasy and hope that isn't based on any real potential to reach your goal of having a real relationship.


And when they collapse it is always shocking, when the air gets knocked out of you when you crash into the reality that it was just a fantasy that isn't going anywhere.


So just be kind to yourself and allow yourself time to adjust to your newfound perspective and keep your feet firmly planted in reality and don't let yourself drift into 'if only' terrirtory again.


Once your brain really grasps that you will probably start experiencing anger and sadness, but you are on the path to healing when you pick yourself up and start walking away from the disaster an affair creates in your life.

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Well, something tells me he won't be picking up shifts at my department any time soon. He had actually been talking about quitting, so there you go...


But actually, yes, I have been thinking about getting a new job. I've been looking, even. I just need to find a way to snap out of this paralyzing state of mind and do something. Yeah, that's exactly how I feel: paralyzed.


Incredible how so much can happen in one's mind in just a couple of days.


sounds good. A new job might be just the ticket. Perhaps this environment hasn't been the healthiest for you anyway.

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  • 2 months later...

Sorry for resurrecting this ancient thread, but I thought I'd come back for some more advice...


So, my update is that I actually moved on from the married guy. We kept a friendship which seemed great and, although most of the tension wasn't gone, we managed to have fun together and set good boundaries at the same time. Recently, I even allowed myself to go out there and get to know other men, which I did! I've been seeing this guy for about 3 weeks and even though he is a bit hard to read and not very open about his emotions, I do like him a lot and I have a feeling he feels the same.


I had a very hard time telling "married guy" about this man, but I finally did it. Actually both of them even met briefly, which was a bit awkward. Anyway, to make a long story short, during the last couple of days things have completely crumbled in his marriage (I assume they had been consistently getting worse, but since I refused to talk about it I didn't know anything) and they are getting a divorce. Not only that, but he says he wants to be with me.


I don't know what to feel. I don't think that the fact that I "moved on" was the deciding factor for this divorce, but it is horrible timing... I feel pressured to give him an answer and I feel pressured to stay with him. I guess this answers my own question, but I think the main reason I am still wondering is because I barely know this new guy and, even though I think he likes me, I really can't tell if we have a future...


Sorry for another lengthy post... but any insight on this will be very much appreciated.

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1. You have NOT moved on.

2. He is still playing EXACTLY the same game! (I can't believe you fell for it, yet again).


Maybe you don't know if you have a future with the new guy. But I know you don't have a future with the married guy. Unless he shows you the divorce papers, don't even take him seriously. That is if you have an ounce of sense left in you...

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Has he actually moved out? Filed for separation? If it is anything less than that, he is not even remotely available and it could be manipulation and lying more of the same.


Also, do you really want a guy who did what he did to his wife with you? Will you ever be able to trust him, or spend your time wondering what woman he is out cheating on you with? You'll be suspicious of every woman he is friendly with, and even worry about what he's doing when he's at work. You already know that you can't trust him to be faithful and devoted to you, since he has no qualms about 'dating' while married to someone else.


The married guy was strictly good for a fling, and obviously bad for a long term relationship...


So don't throw over a promising new relationship for someone who is most likely a terrible long term partner. He's fine for a fling, but obviously not fine as a husband, as you are already aware.

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I fell out of love with my wife. I fell in love with someone else. My cheating was emotional. I recognized it was wrong and broke it off with the OW. I am trying desperately to find in my wife what I had in the past. I am trying to figure out all of this without destroying my children.

You broke it off. That is good.


Have you told your wife?

Have you been honest with her about the changes in you?

Do you meet her needs? Emotional and what not? Does she meet yours?

Have you told her without being disrespectful what you NEED from her?


But I do find it really hard to believe how I seem to be the only one who thinks this matter is just not that simple.

Married men in 'crisis' or whatever...dime a dozen..BTDT....and it really is just that simple.

I don't know what to feel. I don't think that the fact that I "moved on" was the deciding factor for this divorce, but it is horrible timing... I feel pressured to give him an answer and I feel pressured to stay with him

YOU are NOT with HIM. You are with someone SINGLE and available to you. Whatever broke down in his marriage, he should have been at home working on it with his wife, instead of flirting with you. They have a little baby....and it all falls apart? That is really tragic.


Married men are the 'forbidden fruit'...but it's really a joke when you can't walk through the orchard without the fruits falling on your head.


Sad really..


Would you want to be married to a man that thought nothing of befriending a woman at his office and snuggling with her while you were at home pregnant with his child? let's hope not..

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Hi E. Dane...First I want to tell you that you do honestly seem like a good person and that you arent out to tear families apart as so many "other women" are portrayed. I want to tell you though that I have just found out about a string of affairs and a double life my husband has been living for the past 5 years. I am an attractive 27 yr old. I excercise, have a "good" body, treat my husband like a king, have loved him like I can love no other man for 5 years. I couldnt understand for all those years what was wrong with our relationship...why we couldnt seem to accomplish things in life, why I felt I couldnt connect with him on the deepest level sometimes, why I didnt feel like we were going forward. On the outside and in our daily activities...everything seemed fine. We were "fine". I loved being with him and we spend almost everyday all day long together. Now I realize and my husband admits it was because he was pouring out emotional energy to live the secret lifestyle he was living. I want to tell you also that I have NEVER in my life experienced so much pain as finding out my husbands secret life. We have a 1 year old daughter that we both adore....and now we are ripping her family apart.

I ask you to consider this....if you were his wife, how would you feel? The reason they may not have the best relationship right now may very well be because of you...and who knows if you are the only one. Do you know the statistics of married men who leave their wives for their mistresses? Hardly any of them do. Please dont be fooled by your emotions for this man. He isnt as "great" as you think. A noble, good, caring, loving man isnt going to put any woman in this position...his wife or his "other woman". Run!...before you get burned. I wish I could let you feel my pain for one day...Im sure you would think twice about getting involved with him. And, one more thing...the reason it has gone to the next level may be becasue of her being pregnant. My husband had a hard time with me being pregnant and "wanting" sex with me...its funny because he sounds a lot like this man you are describing. Sexy, confident, fun, amazing....A BIG LIAR AND A CHEAT! Best wishes to you. Please find a man who deserves you! You have a good head on your sholders.

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Thanks everybody for taking the time to respond


I had an extremely weird and stressful day yesterday involving the married guy, but I think it turned out to actually be a blessing! I was so relieved not to see him at all today and... - wow! A couple of months ago I would have NEVER thought it possible that things would take such a turn. I feel confident I am now finally letting him go.


What's really been on my mind all day is this new guy... He's out of town for the week and I miss him like hell!


What concerns me a little bit is that I might just be transferring all my emotional needs to this new guy maybe a bit too quickly... and I am not sure how healthy that is. But on the other hand, he is the first man I have allowed myself to be seriously attracted to ever since I met the married guy. I'd say things are starting to look good...?

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it makes me sad that so many women fall into this trap of being the "other woman" when they don't want to, and when there are so many good single guys out there. and it makes me angry that these men can have their cake and eat it, that these same women come here with bleeding hearts despite getting themselves into these messes.

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Even if the new guy is just a bridge to help you get out of the relationship with the married guy, it is well worth it.


So enjoy your new guy, and take your time with him. Enjoy a relationship with a single guy, and see how much more that has to offer you. Even if the new guy turns out not to be permanent, at least he is a step in a very healthy direction, AWAY from the married guy who is obviously no good for you.

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I agree, while transferring need from one to the other may not be healthy, and you might want to look harder at yourself and ask how you can please yourself, I say for now you should use whatever (sensible) crutch there is to wean off married guy. From what you said, this sounds so much like he's resumed the chase because you have been pulling away. It's just the same old thing, and it's wrong for you. It's certainly wrong for his wife, regardless of what the truth is. Imagine him doing this to you in a few years once the shine has worn off you.

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What a thread!

It took me a few days to read it all. Sometimes breathtaking. E.Dane thank you for sharing this range of feelings and thoughts. For you it was a tough process to go through.


I would like to encourage you to follow the direction of the single guy. It would be a tremendous step forward. Be careful, take your time, think and feel, rethink...enjoy the new moments. Whatever you will experience, you won't hurt third parties.


If you would turn to the married guy, you will have to deal again with a triangle. Being now a parent, he has to contact his then-ex-wife in order to care for their child. So the former wife will stay in the picture. One day the child will ask questions. Imagine, what could you say...


I think this is a last great test on you. Tempting. Be strong.


Best wishes -- MM


English is not my mothertongue. Please correct, if I wrote something "funny".

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