He's great, he's gorgeous... and he's married.

[E. Dane]

^ "You're alright ", quoting one of my clients at work

 

Even though most of the time truth hurts quite a bit, it's really refreshing to see honest and straight forward opinions. I can't agree with everything stated here by other posters, but I do take everything into consideration and have been trying my hardest to change my way of thinking about and seeing this situation. I need to be able to change the way I feel.

 

Well, it's been a bumpy past I-don't-know-how-many-years and things seem to be pretty cyclical with me. I've found myself in extremely emotionally hard situations pretty much at the same time of the year for a few years. Weird, huh? Emotional crap builds up like crazy.

 

Bah, but this is irrelevant here. Just needed to vent a little bit.

 

Thank you, guys. Hopefully sometime soon I'll be in a position to dispense good and heartfelt advice also

[BeStrongBeHappy]

It's the economy of having to type the advice which takes time and effort: there's no point mincing words and it pays to get to the point. So i think lots of times people take advice as being harsh or simplistic when it's really just someone getting to the point rather than typing 5000 pretty words to get there.

 

E. Dane, you are a smart person obviously from your posts, and i think you will figure this one out yourself. It is so hard when there is someone sitting there tempting you with an attraction. It is like trying not to take a slice of cake when you're sitting at the table in front of it every day and hungry to boot.

 

But this guy is like junk food. Really exciting and flavorful, but not nourishing in the long run and not good for you. The most pertinent fact to you personally is that he isn't offering you anything much, and can't because he is married. The extent of what he is offering is little stolen 'dates' where you flirt with the idea of sex (and maybe have some), but then off he goes back to his wife and family and you're alone in your bed during the normal fun times, weekends, holidays etc.

 

And he isn't someone you could plan a future with regardless, because you would spend your life with him wondering if he was off on 'dates' with other women the same way he did with you. By default, you can never, ever trust him. You can be excited by him, but there is just no future there. I think you're figuring that out on your own. Eventually the draw towards him will fade away when you really accept that he offers nothing more than a little titillation.

[Batya33]

I can't wait for you to revise the title of your post to "He's married, an expectant father and a cheat".

[TheSmilingTurnip]

Well, it's been a bumpy past I-don't-know-how-many-years and things seem to be pretty cyclical with me. I've found myself in extremely emotionally hard situations pretty much at the same time of the year for a few years. Weird, huh? Emotional crap builds up like crazy.

 

It's not irrelevent by any means that you've had emotional problems. That would be the Achilles heel that this person is using to try and get you to help him cheat.

 

Have you considered getting therapy? It made a world of difference for me. Find out why you're choosing emotionally hard relationships and accepting the unacceptable. Then you can make different choices.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Married men on the prowl for sex and emotional gratification frequently target women they think are needy because they are easy pickins... someone with healthy self esteem would not invest a lot of emotion or time in a married man, because they feel they deserve better for themselves, and aren't willing to accept just crumbs. People who feel good about themselves and the world want a full banquet when it comes to love, and insist upon on.

[dilmi_b2003]

Hi Edne,

 

First of all I must say be strong and leave this out of your life. Few years a go I was in a mess like this and i suffered for almost 6 years because i was so weak and blind so didnt realise what was happening to my life or didnt realise what i was getting into. Just like you i was debating with my self that i was not doing anything wrong and i just couldnt stop falling in love with him and continuing it for 6 years and i must say, that period of my life is the most darkest period and i almost ended up getting depression and was a mentally a sick person. thanks to the god or what ever the reason i opened my eyes and i saw the real truth as at the end of the day its not worth and i wasnt getting anywhere cos of the luv that i have for him and also nothing was happening except life is getting more messier everyday. now i am happily married and expecting our first baby and now i regret the 6 years i wasted being blind and foolish.

 

so my advice to you my dear is to get out. its easy for you to get out now. i know its not that easy cos i struggled 6 of my valuable years not knowing what to do or not having strength to get out and move on. But please be strong and find a man who would love you only and whom you can love without any conditions.

 

Good luck

[E. Dane]

It's not irrelevent by any means that you've had emotional problems. That would be the Achilles heel that this person is using to try and get you to help him cheat.

 

Have you considered getting therapy? It made a world of difference for me. Find out why you're choosing emotionally hard relationships and accepting the unacceptable. Then you can make different choices.

 

I am and have been in therapy for about 7 years now... heh. My therapist, upon hearing the early stages of this story, predicted something like this would happen, of course.

 

So far therapy has been incredibly helpful in allowing me to understand the roots of certain behaviors and attitudes that I have. I haven't been so successful in changing them yet.

 

Well, I have made some HUGE life changes that include fleeing my country pretty much due to a sick and unbearable relationship with my mother. I don't want to have to flee another country because of a crazy relationship!

[E. Dane]

Wow, after 6 years, how did you find the drive to do it?

[TheSmilingTurnip]

I am and have been in therapy for about 7 years now... heh. My therapist, upon hearing the early stages of this story, predicted something like this would happen, of course.

 

So far therapy has been incredibly helpful in allowing me to understand the roots of certain behaviors and attitudes that I have. I haven't been so successful in changing them yet.

 

Well, I have made some HUGE life changes that include fleeing my country pretty much due to a sick and unbearable relationship with my mother. I don't want to have to flee another country because of a crazy relationship!

 

So it sounds like your next step is to starting actually taking actions that will move you forward in your life with regard to relationships - to start changing habits. What are some actions you can take that will slowly move you away from this dead-ender?

[E. Dane]

^Well, I am taking some more steps in regards to some family situations. I know this is totally unrelated, but hopefully I will be able to reflect these steps into the dead-ender one..?

 

I had a really awkward lunch with him the other day, in which he told me he has told his wife he has kissed me. According to him her reply was "I am not surprised"... and that was pretty much it, she made no big deal at all about it. Now this is the part I hear that he is a liar, but I do know for sure he was being honest about that. I really don't know what to make of her reaction and it definitely doesn't make it any more comfortable.

 

Anyway, yeah... as much as I am crazy about this guy, this is definitely a dead-ender. I wish I had a taser connected to my brain that would go off every time I saw him walking in my direction, with a huge smile on his face.

 

This is a fragment of the last e-mail I got from him, referring to our lunch and general tension and awkwardness:

"All that wonderful tension makes me forget about the horrendous amount of pain I'm in. I love it. And hate it. It's bitter-sweet. But more sweet than bitter though ; ) You're sweet. I'm bitter."

 

Yes, it's definitely obvious he is "using" me to gain some sort of emotional relief here or whatever, even though (yes, call me stupid), I still don't find him completely dishonest about his feelings. But then again, I am gaining something also... or better, we're both just losing... and wasting some precious time.

[Applewhite]

^^^^ What she said. Exactly as it is, so nicely put. Some real good advice and insight right there

[BeStrongBeHappy]

This may shock you a little, but i think this guy is really screwed up emotionally. Think about it for a moment. He is playing these little titillation games with you and his wife, where he is walking a knife's edge seeing what he can get away with in terms of playing out one off another and putting himself in this tortured soul territory.

 

And he expects you both to sit around and listen to him talk about what he just did with the other.

 

And think about her response, 'I'm not surprised.' She's well aware that he's weak and engaged in a triangle, and acknowledging it. As in, he most likely has done this before... a lot!

 

And this 'horrible pain' he is in? It is strictly self inflicted, and i think he is enjoying it a lot, enjoying the 'tension' that is relieving boredom rather than hating it. He gets to play the tortured romantic, the star of his own show with two women always available to him to make himself feel important.

 

And it is very self protective, in that if he gets bored/upset with one, he can run to the other. A triangle is a very stable dynamic for him, always gives him outs and alternatives to meet his needs. He never has to fully commit and engage with one person, because there's another one out there waiting to fawn all over him.

 

So stop looking at him as gorgeous and normal, because he isn't. This is a very weird situation, and deep down i think you know it. Expect better for yourself, and open your eyes to how odd this behavior of his really is...

 

It's almost infantile, in that he does something with you, then runs home to report on his day to his wife (in the mommy role), as in 'Look mommy, i kissed a girl today... i'm sorry mommy, do you forgive me?'

 

You need a real man, not this twisted baby of a guy.

[E. Dane]

Wow. That felt like a slap in the face and I think you might be absolutely right...

 

I am pretty sure she was referring to me in particular with the "I'm not surprised" comment. She knew he was going to be meeting with me that night. He has given her the watered down (of course) version of our "relationship". But even is she only received the watered down version, I don't understand how she can be ok with it. According to him they are not jealous of each other - it's just so weird when I stop to think about it!

 

I think I can finally see the early stages of my emotional detachment concerning this guy. Let's hope I'm not stupid enough to start walking backwards now.

 

I feel like giving him a reality check now and (with your kind permission ) show him this "baby guy" perspective.

[Batya33]

The more contact you have with him in your vulnerable state the more you'll be playing with fire.

[Ellie2006]

I dont think it's all that strange that his wife is not showing jealousy.

 

Maybe his wife is not jealous because, as BeStrongBeHappy pointed out, he has done this numerous times before and every single time, he ended the fling and "returned" to the wife.

 

Maybe his wife is not jealous because she's become desensitized to his little flings over the years -- i.e. he has done this many times before.

 

Maybe their relationship "works" for them because he has a little sadistic streak in him and she a little masochism in her.

 

I am glad that the counseling's helping -- hopefully you can soon break away from this destructive guy.

[healthseeker]

It's almost infantile, in that he does something with you, then runs home to report on his day to his wife (in the mommy role), as in 'Look mommy, i kissed a girl today... i'm sorry mommy, do you forgive me?'

 

 

Ooooh, I'm grossed out! But, very insightful, indeed!

 

EDane,

 

you said that you know for fact that he has told his wife these things. How can you be so sure?

 

You sound like a caring person, I hope it is very soon that you get away from this guy and grow further in your therapy!

[bluerose231]

Wow. That felt like a slap in the face and I think you might be absolutely right...

 

I am pretty sure she was referring to me in particular with the "I'm not surprised" comment. She knew he was going to be meeting with me that night. He has given her the watered down (of course) version of our "relationship". But even is she only received the watered down version, I don't understand how she can be ok with it. According to him they are not jealous of each other - it's just so weird when I stop to think about it!

 

 

Don't be so sure that his wife is sitting at home perfectly ok with it. This man obviously has issues with honesty and you don't know that he's telling you the truth. Do you know for sure that he told his wife? Has she contacted you? The reason I say all of this, is because I'm married to one of the world's biggest liars and he would have me and the OW both convinced of things that simply weren't true.

 

Either way, I stand by what i've said in previous posts, get out while you still can! By obsessing over this guy, you are preventing yourself from meeting someone who could give you all the things that you need and deserve in a relationship. This guy has you completely trapped. He gets to go home to his wife every night, while you're at home alone thinking about him. How is that fair? I would be angry if I were you. He is using you, and you're letting him do it. You deserve better, and quite honestly so does this guy's wife. He sounds like quite the manipulator. I am married to one, so I understand the type. I have been agonizing over whether to go or stay. We have 4 very young children so things are not as easy for me. You don't have children (yet), so if I were you, i'd run far away from this guy and never look back!

[allypally]

He is intentionally beginning an emotional affair behind his wife's back when they have a baby on the way and is trying to win your affections aswell??

 

This guy is a jerk.

[E. Dane]

I hate to keep adding to this drama, but things have taken a very weird turn as of today.

 

Last night we were at a friend's goodbye party, drinking heavily and, again, we did something stupid.

 

To make a very long story short, he has told his wife about it and it obviously lead to hurt feelings and questionings. Right now he says he doesn't think his marriage will survive this, nor did he think it would survive before.

 

Again, I know for sure this is not a lie. He might be somewhat of a jerk, but not a complete psychopath.

 

With all honesty, I am not sitting here praying for them to get a divorce. Actually, if they do (and, frankly, I am 99,99% sure they won't) I fear what that's going to mean. Even though he says beautiful things, I am afraid he will resent me afterwards.

 

I have finally written him that I need to remove myself from his life for a while. This time I actually even made the effort to sound like I mean it - and I do. I still have a hard time believing I have let myself get caught up in this drama. Never in a million years would I have pictured myself in this role.

[mintblossom]

heh. i doubt his wife knows. for all his protestations. maybe you should talk to her yourself.

[Batya33]

Why did you choose to drink heavily when you knew he was around and you were vulnerable? I ask that because unless you ask yourself that and have a clear answer (for yourself, no need to share here unless you wish to), you will keep making these choices and acting dumbfounded after, which will hurt your goal of moving on.

 

I think it's interesting that you trust what a cheater says.

[Applewhite]

heh. i doubt his wife knows. for all his protestations. maybe you should talk to her yourself.

 

That's a good idea. Since he's pulling off the 'I don't think my marriage will get through this' crap why don't you tell him you will talk to his wife, set this all straight, explain to her that this meant nothing and he belongs to her and the kids and you were sorry for any misunderstanding etc. And that you will fix this problem for him. Let's see how he reacts to THAT...

 

You be the one playing with him. He's playing you sweetie.. He is treating you like a fool, and you are buying it.

[healthseeker]

I would not be surprised if his wife knows at all. Again, how can you know for sure?

[BeStrongBeHappy]

No, you don't hate the drama, you're loving it or you wouldn't keep doing this.

 

Don't you see how sick this is? You take one more little step down the road, then he runs home and confesses and it starts again.

 

I think one of two things will happen here... He's either a hardened philanderer playing a game with you here leading you down the path to a sexual affair who has no intentions of leaving wife, or he's a psychologically messed up weirdo who's getting off on running home to Mommy and confesses his sins, who will be your worst nightmare if his wife does dump him and he ends up YOUR problem.

 

Just for a second imagine yourself at home with an infant and him coming home every couple days confessing to this kind of nonsense with another woman. That is her present and your future if you ever ended up with this guy.

 

Or you're just a troll trying to get a rise out of everyone here.

 

I'm done with this thread. You either cut him off now and quit seeing him at all, or you'll deserve what you will get.

[The_411]

Edane, how do you know he told his wife? How do you know for sure?

 

On the contrary, most likely he is a psychopath.

 

Edane, he's cheating without thereforee anything else should be looked at as a lie. Obviously since you are under the illusion nay the deception of "love" you won't accept the notion that he is a scumbag.

 

It's one thing to talk about getting away its another to acutally go NC and have nothing to do with him.