He's great, he's gorgeous... and he's married.

[25thfloor]

hhmmm....sorry, but the husband is the one being unfaithful. it's his responsiblity to keep his hands to himself. yes, it's too bad that men and women cheat...but be clear on who signed to dotted line. and if you choose to take a cheater back, that's your personal preference, i refuse to. period...she's not destroying his family....He is...sorry, but i feel like your beating her up for being honest about her problem.

[rosy2000]

It takes two people to cheat on someone and yes the husband is the one being unfaithful but it is not that she doesn't know what she is doing. I am not trying to beat her up but to make her realized that she has the power to stop this or at least not pursue him until he has divorce his wife.

[law1204]

It takes two people to cheat on someone and yes the husband is the one being unfaithful but it is not that she doesn't know what she is doing. I am not trying to beat her up but to make her realized that she has the power to stop this or at least not pursue him until he has divorce his wife.

 

She could certainly do that, and then he'd go do it with someone else. The problem doesn't ultimately lie with her. The world doesn't have a responsibility to this guy to make sure he behaves. He has a responsibility to keep his hands off the world. And before anyone jumps on me for saying so, that's Dan Savage who wrote that.

 

To the OP, the only, ONLY thing you ever have hope of gaining from this relationship is basically sexual. Believe it. Is that enough for you?

 

Other posters have said that he isn't going to leave his wife for you. They are correct. Watch Waiting to Exhale. And then watch it again.

 

In a way you are lucky, you don't have to worry about this guy suddenly saying, "I'm free to be with you!" Because then you'd be with him and all of his flaws would materialize. And the fact is, unless he learns from this mistake, he might turn around and do the same thing to you, as other posters have also said. Depends on how sociopathic he is.

 

Ask yourself what you really want from a relationship, and if you are worth more than being 4th, 5th, or 500th on a list of some guy's priorities. Because you haven't got a prayer of being number one. You'll wanna see him and he'll blow you off because he's too busy with family, too paranoid about being caught, basically you'll only be able to see him on his terms. Are you content with haggling for a man over the few measly scraps of his time and affection he's willing to throw you?

 

Pursue other guys.

 

Good luck hon.

[amtjrtcet]

My best friend is and has been going through a very similar situation. She keeps waiting on him to leave his wife, which he's been telling her he's gonna do for 3 yrs now. She's miserable. Her whole life is about hiding and sneaking around to see eachother. He gets jealous when she hangs out with her friends so here lately she's pretty much stayed at home hoping and waiting for him to sneak away from his wife and two kids to come see her. He's twice her age. She's wasting her best years.

 

I know its hard to love the wrong person, and maybe you can't help the way you feel, but you can help what you do about it. Please, get out of this situation. Its for the best.

[E. Dane]

I have read every single reply and I sincerely appreciate the time you've spent here. Thank you to the people who have put themselves in my shoes and showed some sympathy (but didn't refrain from reminding me of the obvious: I am doing something wrong) and also, thank you for all the tough love. Yeah, I know I need it and I really appreciate it.

 

This most definitely makes me feel like I am more in control of my wits (even if for just a second) and gives me strength, courage and inspiration to do the right thing. Reading your thoughts and experiences definitely makes some of my common sense finally kick back in.

 

I have just received an e-mail from him saying he thought of a "solution number 3" (number 1 would be an affair and 2 would be cutting contact completely - none of these ideas sounded good to us). I am curious to know what it is, but then again, he wants to go on a date and talk about it. Sounds a little sketchy...

 

oh man. you've got it bad. there's nothing worse that falling for someone who is not available. honestly? you've got to pull back from the friendship. this will just continue to hurt you when you hang out. and absolutely no alcohol when y'all are together! i've been through this before and it sucks. absolutely sucks. Unfortunately, this is an emotional affair...worse than a physical one, in my book...and a lot more dangerous.

 

These are pretty much my thoughts, btw. I never thought I'd be able to understand an emotional affair type situation, but now I completely do. It's such an exhausting situation. And no, no more alcohol

 

Again, thanks a lot for your words and I wish you all the best

[bostonbruins24]

I went through a similar experience with a married woman at work.When I ultimately realized that she was never going to leave her husband,it sent me on an emotional meltdown.The only way I could deal with it was to stop working with her and not have any contact at all.She still calls me from anonymous locations[payphones,etc.]but I never answer the phone.I think you should give him an ultimatum:start divorce proceedings with your wife or we are through completely.In the long run it will be easier for you to handle the situation if you never have to see him[if indeed he won't leave his wife]

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Let's try to guess what his 'solution #3' is:

 

1. You have a threesome with him and his wife.

2. He gets 'permission' from his wife to see you for a while in an open marriage (which of course would be a lie).

3. You 'experiment' with having an affair for a while to see if you two are meant to be together.

4. He will 'separate' from his wife but they will live still live together for the sake of the baby (but of course his WIFE won't know he is separated, a lie).

5. You keep seeing each other, and he will leave his wife in a year.

6. Or two years, or when his wife can support herself, or when the baby goes to school, or when the kid goes to college, or whatever (all untrue).

 

These are all common ploys married men use to get single women to cheat with them while stalling them and not leaving their wives. All lies and misrepresentations.

 

From your perspective the ONLY answer you might accept is that he separates from his wife, MOVES OUT, and divorces. And that you don't actually see each other anymore until you see the paperwork for the divorce (as some will lie and just get an apt. their wives don't know about and claim to be separated).

 

You just can't underestimate the lies that married men will tell to get some excitement and/or sex on the side, truly epic lies.

 

I really suggest the ONLY answer is to quit seeing/talking to him UNLESS he divorces. And even then, you'll spend your life wondering if he is having 'special friendships' with other women while you are pregnant or when you get older. He sounds like kind of a jerk to be honest, to do this while his wife was pregnant. Very, MASSIVELY selfish.

[TechResQ]

E. Dane, I really hope you decide NOT to go on a "date" with him to hear his #3 option...you will definitely be playing with fire.

 

Ask him to tell you his third option either on the phone or in an email. I truly hope you start pulling away from him and go "No Contact".

 

I know you think he is wonderful, but he isn't. A "wonderful" person wouldn't be doing what he is doing. "wonderful" people don't live a "Cloak & Dagger" lifestyle.

 

All the best to you.

[tangi39]

Please don't place your trust and heart in the care of this unreliable man.

If you do, both will inevitably be smashed.

[bluerose231]

I agree with everything you said 100%! Great post

[law1204]

II have just received an e-mail from him saying he thought of a "solution number 3" (number 1 would be an affair and 2 would be cutting contact completely - none of these ideas sounded good to us). I am curious to know what it is, but then again, he wants to go on a date and talk about it. Sounds a little sketchy...

 

Yair, it's sketchy. I know that option 2 sounds horribly painful, and God knows you don't wanna do it.

 

But if you do, you'll be happier all the way around. Cut him off, give it a couple weeks, and I promise you you will feel waaay better and be totally glad you did.

 

Good luck, hon.

[tangi39]

I understand what you're saying, I agree it is his choice, and I think he's a scumbag. But she is also aware he's married, and it's her choice to flirt back or ignore him too. She could end it immediately if she chose to.

[bluerose231]

EXACTLY! I HATE HATE HATE how so many people make excuses for these cheating men saying it the WOMENS fault for letting him! HAY he has a BRAIN TOO! He makes the decision on what HE Does. She is single.... HE is not.. She inst forcing him to talk to her she isnt putting a gun up to his head and saying flirt with me now!

 

If a sig other cheats on me.. I never get mad at the girl! I dont care if she was running around nakkid in front of him.. It comes down to HIS choice...

And if it isnt that girl it could be another... SO if HE cant make the decision on his own you CANT hide ALL the women in the World from him!

 

AGAIN its HIS choice.

 

Yes it's his choice, but it isn't right for a woman to continue a relationship with a man knowing he's married with children. The woman that my husband was/is involved with knew darn well about his marital status from day one. She sent him cutesy, flirty text messages knowing that I was NOT comfortable with their relationship. I had even asked her to please respect our marriage and leave my husband alone but she continued to contact him. Yes I blame my husband just as much as I blame her, but she knew he was married and she knew how I felt about their "friendship" and continued anyways. Some women enjoy the challenge of getting a married man and can be quite persistent (and no i'm not speaking about the original poster).

[E. Dane]

Man, I must be COMPLETELY blinded or something. None of those options even crossed my mind. Actually, what I keep telling myself he'll say (maybe out of fear, but it's safe to say I firmly believe he will do so) is that we should just be friends and let just let things be. You know, we might still feel the same for each other, but that we should just ignore it.

 

I could actually bet 100 bucks that's what he'll say. Or something in the lines of "we should try not hanging out for a while and see how it feels". I just simply CANNOT picture him saying anything otherwise.

 

I have already made the mistake of agreeing to meet him so we can chat about it. We will get together in a couple of days and I am promising myself there will be no alcohol involved.

 

I'm a little nervous... and man, do I feel pathetic!?

 

Will report back, hopefully with some good news about what a wise decision we both made...

 

Thanks again

[LBP]

I've been in a similar situation. These people can turn on a dime. Believe it. They'll say something like, "I got a reality check" or "This isn't right for my family." etc etc. And what can you do but accept it?

[BeStrongBeHappy]

If he suggests the 'friends' thing, then you need to really set some guidelines or you'll be right back where you were before:

 

1. No touching of any kind.

2. No confessions of love or like or wishes to be together or your feelings about each other.

3. No being alone anywhere together, always in groups.

4. No personal phone calls outside work.

5. No texting or calls on cell phones

6. No email other than work related or non relationship related.

 

So ramp it back to being like any other WORK friend, not a close personal friend.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

I think BlueRose is right. We do have responsibility for our own choices and the repercussions of those. It *is* morally wrong for us to knowingly be part of a married person's affair. It is wrong for any of us to be their 'accomplice'. Period. There's just no way to excuse that. Granted, he is the one who is screwing his family up, but it's also true that his accomplice is helping with that process by accommodating his actions.

 

So many people miss the point that yes we need to make choices not to harm others, but we also need to be true to ourselves and our morals. I'm not nice to others simply because I don't want to hurt them, I'm nice to others and honest with them because I'm also accountable for how I acted at the end of the day. We should treat others how we wish to be treated and OP, if someone were messing with your husband this way, I guarantee you'd want them to stop even if your husband was not willing to stop.

 

You're not a bad person but it's important for you to avoid taking actions you'll later regret.

[Cadence_oO]

My husband was cheating on me for an extende period of time even though we had a one year old at the time.

His girlfriend was perfectly aware that he has a wife and a toddler.

 

Please stop this.The whole 'friendship' thing.

There is more people than just the two of you involved.People whos lives will be destroyed,people who will be crushed!

 

I cried for days,you wouldn't believe the pain I was in.

 

What you two are doing,can't end up being good...

[PixelPusher]

I suggest you break all contact immediately, even going so far as to finding another job if you have routine contact with him at work. I know it will be tough to get over these feelings you have for him, and while I don't blame you for falling for him, I do strongly feel that you have EVERY ability to get over this.

 

The high road is not very often an easy road, but you've GOT to take this. It doesn't matter if his marriage is rocky, it doesn't matter that he holds you tight and says he loves you. He is married and has a child on teh way!

 

I don't know if you see this but did you draw the conclusion that I did? A month after he announces his upcoming baby, he suddenly falls in love with you? Do you see what this is? He is scared of being a father and doesn't want to commit to it, plain and simple. I hate to say it, but YOU are his way out of a marriage he doesn't like and a future with a child.

 

He might be charismatic and "wonderful" but it sounds to me like he is commitment-phobic and you're already helping him cheat on his wife. Please do the right thing, take the high road and don't accept ANY of his "options" as they will all be self-serving. He might spin them to make it seem like it will benefit YOU but none of them will in the long run. You're just his excuse to get away from his responsibilities.

[E. Dane]

Ok, reporting back...

 

It was kind of an awkward day at work for the both of us. Seeing him in the morning was so weird and we both couldn't help but laughing at our awkwardness.

 

We went on our "date" after work... and I am actually really happy and proud to say that (even though I know I would have given in if he tried) this guy is actually a good guy. A good guy who happened to develop feelings for a friend and couldn't help but admitting them. We went out (we did have a beer) and talked for a (not nearly enough) long time. In his own words, "[he] will never sleep with [me]" simply because that would make him a * * * * ty husband. I was actually happy with that outcome. We were not on a flirtatious mood and he does seem willing to fix things with his wife.

 

I am genuinely happy for him. I will not lie, I do have feelings for this man and I know I would have given in had he tried anything... but it makes me so, so happy to see that he actually wants to do the right thing and not feed into whatever it is we were having. -Wow, this is such a weird story!

 

We did hold hands, but it was in the friendliest of ways (I know most of you will think that's BS). We didn't deny our feelings for each other, but we both reassured each other that we can do the right thing. He has a lot of things to figure out and so do I, actually. I feel like I am in love with him more than ever, but in a different level.

 

And he wants to "come clean" with his wife about this whole ordeal with me. I don't know how I feel about that, but part of me feels like it's the right thing to do. Part of me is suffering, but I am so incredibly happy to see he is doing the right thing.

 

Oh, and he did tell me that "[i am] not 'the other girl' material. [i am] the real thing]". And, no matter what you all think, I know he was not just trying to flatter me.

 

I am pretty happy...

[healthseeker]

EXACTLY! I HATE HATE HATE how so many people make excuses for these cheating men saying it the WOMENS fault for letting him! HAY he has a BRAIN TOO! He makes the decision on what HE Does. She is single.... HE is not.. She inst forcing him to talk to her she isnt putting a gun up to his head and saying flirt with me now!

 

If a sig other cheats on me.. I never get mad at the girl! I dont care if she was running around nakkid in front of him.. It comes down to HIS choice...

And if it isnt that girl it could be another... SO if HE cant make the decision on his own you CANT hide ALL the women in the World from him!

 

AGAIN its HIS choice.

 

Okay, get your points....(you and 25th floor's. Are either of you married, by the way? )Yes, HE is the one who is cheating on HIS marriage. But, you have to admit that anyone who chooses to get involved with someone who is taken (especially as serious as a marriage w/ a child, no less) does deserve the blame of doing something THAT THEY KNOW IS WRONG!!!

 

If my husband was to cheat on me...yup, it would all be his fault..he is the on e that took the vow. No, I would not be one of those women (like on Springer) that wants to knock out the other woman...I would feel that way towards my husband. It does bug the heck outa me when people go after the "other woman/man"...very undignified. BUT, those people DO DESERVE some blame too....they chose to have no respect for the union and the other ones that will get hurt. So, I always question the character of people that date married people....sorry if that sounds rough / rude....I'm just being honest. There is something missing there that rubs me the wrong way.

[healthseeker]

We went on our "date" after work...

 

In his own words, "he will never sleep with me" simply because that would make him a ****ty husband.

 

Do you see that the fact he was out on, what you both seem to refer as a "date".....already makes him that kind of husband?

 

We did hold hands, but it was in the friendliest of ways (I know most of you will think that's BS). We didn't deny our feelings for each other, but we both reassured each other that we can do the right thing. He has a lot of things to figure out and so do I, actually. I feel like I am in love with him more than ever, but in a different level.

 

So you did nothing to deny feelings, held hands and wow...you're in love with him. Are you serious about thinking this is "doing the right thing"? Honey...get real! Sounds like this guy was again in the driver's seat, making all the decisions, and you waited to see what they were, instead of making your own. He is a piece of work.

 

I'm sorry, but in my book....even this meeting was adulterous.

 

You need to go to a park on a weekend day and watch parents interact w/ their toddlers and think good and hard if you want to be part of bringing one down. Put yourself in one of the mom's shoes and try and empathize, if just for a moment. There is something wrong with that part not bothering you more....it all is just about you and him...with hardly any mention of this FAMILY. You have already stated that you know this is wrong and you are at fault, do you really, really believe that?

 

Since he is calling the shots, I bet this "date" decision (still confused on that) will be put on the backburner and he will again pull the cuddle game, etc. If you choose to go along...you can only blame yourself.

[Batya33]

Maybe just picture him saving the e-mail so that when he tires of you sexually, he can just cut and paste it into an email to the next pretty young thing (or maybe he sent the email to a few of you simultaneously, who knows).

 

The only way I see the two of you being "together" (in quotes because there's a very good chance he will cheat on you) is if you have no contact, he leaves his wife while you two have no contact, he gets a divorce, and a year (at least!) after the divorce is final, he contacts you. That would be a true test of what he feels for you, what his motives are here, and it would minimize at least some of the destruction to his wife and child since it wouldn't be so closely linked in time.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

I think this is a step in the right direction, HOWEVER you are painting him as so noble and wonderful and how this makes you love him more, when if he were that way, he wouldn't be out on a 'date' with you holding your hand and confessing all these feelings.

 

Affairs (and this IS an emotional affair at this point) go thru many cycles, and this is one of the 'i can't leave my wife' phases. Now you go to exchanging meaningful looks for a while, while you get all warm and fuzzy about how great he is. Then he'll show up again and give you the 'i can't quit you' speech and off you go on the emotional affair again. then one day you'll be cuddling and have sex again and you're back to the whole shebang again. then again comes the 'i can't leave my wife speech' and the cycle starts again. This is VERY predictable.

 

The only way to be TRULY noble is to stop seeing him entirely, stop texting him, stop emailing him, stop thinking about him, stop talking to him about anything other than work, and START dating someone else. If this is the next step you are taking, then you are doing the right thing. Anything other than this is the WRONG thing because it is just another go round on the affair cycle.

[chocolate-cake]

This story makes me feel sick because my dad did these kind of things to my mother,

OP must be really STUPID if she believes all the sweet lines "ur not the other woman material" la de da

OP you already know he has a wife and KID...even if he is asking you to continue whatever it is this secret may be defined as why would u carry it on?????? You shouldnt need a "date" to talk about things when it is not YOUR HUSBAND OR BOYFRIEND. Why would u not just cut off all contact? ? ? He wants his wife not you and there is a child involved its so wrong what ur engaging in.