E. Dane Posted July 28, 2008 Share Posted July 28, 2008 First of all, PLEASE don't judge... Second, this will be a little long. My story starts about a year ago, summer 2007, when I was in the break room of my new job, and in waltzes the most gorgeous man I have ever seen up close. It was not just his looks, it was his presense... there was - there is - this incredible vibe about him. We got to know each other, but never really spoke outside of work. I immediately found out he was married, so I never dared to even try to flirt with him. But I did have what I call a "healthy crush", something that I compare to having for a cute high school teacher. It was something that I couldn't help feeling, but it wasn't overwhelming and I was absolutely ok with the fact that I would never have that man. Months later, we become closer friends and start hanging together, with our common friends and we have a great time. He is an amazing man - funny, smart, considerate. But I also realize at this point that he is kind of a flirt, but I don't respond to any of it. Another couple of months later, he gives me the wonderful news that his wife is pregnant with their first child. And, not too long after that, one day we go out for tea on our lunch break... he seemed a little nervous and I felt really awkward for some reason. It only gets worse when he says he's had a crush on me ever since we first met. Now, what once was a "healthy crush" on my part, is completely destroyed and becomes a real crush. I never thought my crush would be encouraged like this, so you can imagine how it stirred up my feelings. Nothing happened. Later on we talked about this conversation and he said he was just trying to get it out of his chest, so he could get over it, as he doesn't believe in keeping these feelings to himself. But things did not get better. We have been hanging out a lot, never alone, but always finding excuses to ditch our friends. We talk a lot about our feelings for each other and every time it only seems to feed into the whole problem, instead of helping us get over it. The last couple of times we hung out (alcohol is usually involved when we're together) we have been very close physically. We hold hands for hours and I am always in his arms. They are very, very intense moments, like I haven't felt in so long... He kisses my forehead, my cheeks, my neck; he strokes my hair and tells me that I am beautiful and how in love he is with me. I have never said I am in love with him back (which I obviously am), but I do correspond the physical contact. Last night we were commenting on how remarkable it is that we have never kissed. That's right, our lips have never touched and we have never slept together. I told him that friends don't kiss each others' necks and that something is definitely going on. He agreed. But (and this is really embarrassing), during this conversation, I slowly tried to turn our kisses into "real" kisses. His response was "this is really not helping". Of course I interpreted that as "please, stop" and so I did. He didn't let me go of his arms, though. I know he must have a huge emotional gap (as do I) that he is trying to fill, but he doesn't want our physical contact to go "too" far - honestly, I think it already has and if not kissing me makes him feel like he is not cheating on his wife, he is wrong. I have told him we should not see each other anymore. He agreed that he thought of that, but said he couldn't give me up. An affair (in the real sense of the word) is something we're both not comfortable with. Ultimately, we do want to sleep together, but giving in to that would make us both feel terrible afterwards. This is the most awkward situation I have ever found myself in. Oh, and yesterday he said "I have only loved 3 women in my life and you're one of them". I really don't know what to make out of this whole thing. Leaving his wife is absolutely out of the question, even though they don't have the happiest of marriages... plus, they have a 3 month old baby. I am so in love with this man and I don't want to feel this way! I feel horrible, I feel guilty. And even more guilty when I see when he is working pretty hard on resisting temptation and I feel empowered by that. It's a feeling that I automatically try to block and I am ashamed of it. I am not a bad person. I am not sitting here, plotting how I am going to destroy a family. I am sitting here, drowning in guilt, trying to figure out how I am going to forget this man. I know we shouldn't see each other anymore, but at this exact moment, this thought just seems impossible. I fear I might have crossed the line trying to kiss him last night. I feel like I have offended him and scared him away, since I haven't heard a single word from him today. Again, please don't judge me, just give me some insight or share a similar experience...? Link to comment
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