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He's great, he's gorgeous... and he's married.

E. Dane

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First of all, PLEASE don't judge...


Second, this will be a little long.


My story starts about a year ago, summer 2007, when I was in the break room of my new job, and in waltzes the most gorgeous man I have ever seen up close. It was not just his looks, it was his presense... there was - there is - this incredible vibe about him.


We got to know each other, but never really spoke outside of work. I immediately found out he was married, so I never dared to even try to flirt with him. But I did have what I call a "healthy crush", something that I compare to having for a cute high school teacher. It was something that I couldn't help feeling, but it wasn't overwhelming and I was absolutely ok with the fact that I would never have that man.


Months later, we become closer friends and start hanging together, with our common friends and we have a great time. He is an amazing man - funny, smart, considerate. But I also realize at this point that he is kind of a flirt, but I don't respond to any of it.


Another couple of months later, he gives me the wonderful news that his wife is pregnant with their first child. And, not too long after that, one day we go out for tea on our lunch break... he seemed a little nervous and I felt really awkward for some reason. It only gets worse when he says he's had a crush on me ever since we first met. Now, what once was a "healthy crush" on my part, is completely destroyed and becomes a real crush. I never thought my crush would be encouraged like this, so you can imagine how it stirred up my feelings.


Nothing happened. Later on we talked about this conversation and he said he was just trying to get it out of his chest, so he could get over it, as he doesn't believe in keeping these feelings to himself.


But things did not get better. We have been hanging out a lot, never alone, but always finding excuses to ditch our friends. We talk a lot about our feelings for each other and every time it only seems to feed into the whole problem, instead of helping us get over it.


The last couple of times we hung out (alcohol is usually involved when we're together) we have been very close physically. We hold hands for hours and I am always in his arms. They are very, very intense moments, like I haven't felt in so long... He kisses my forehead, my cheeks, my neck; he strokes my hair and tells me that I am beautiful and how in love he is with me. I have never said I am in love with him back (which I obviously am), but I do correspond the physical contact.


Last night we were commenting on how remarkable it is that we have never kissed. That's right, our lips have never touched and we have never slept together. I told him that friends don't kiss each others' necks and that something is definitely going on. He agreed. But (and this is really embarrassing), during this conversation, I slowly tried to turn our kisses into "real" kisses. His response was "this is really not helping". Of course I interpreted that as "please, stop" and so I did. He didn't let me go of his arms, though.


I know he must have a huge emotional gap (as do I) that he is trying to fill, but he doesn't want our physical contact to go "too" far - honestly, I think it already has and if not kissing me makes him feel like he is not cheating on his wife, he is wrong.


I have told him we should not see each other anymore. He agreed that he thought of that, but said he couldn't give me up. An affair (in the real sense of the word) is something we're both not comfortable with. Ultimately, we do want to sleep together, but giving in to that would make us both feel terrible afterwards.


This is the most awkward situation I have ever found myself in. Oh, and yesterday he said "I have only loved 3 women in my life and you're one of them". I really don't know what to make out of this whole thing.


Leaving his wife is absolutely out of the question, even though they don't have the happiest of marriages... plus, they have a 3 month old baby.


I am so in love with this man and I don't want to feel this way! I feel horrible, I feel guilty. And even more guilty when I see when he is working pretty hard on resisting temptation and I feel empowered by that. It's a feeling that I automatically try to block and I am ashamed of it.


I am not a bad person. I am not sitting here, plotting how I am going to destroy a family. I am sitting here, drowning in guilt, trying to figure out how I am going to forget this man. I know we shouldn't see each other anymore, but at this exact moment, this thought just seems impossible.


I fear I might have crossed the line trying to kiss him last night. I feel like I have offended him and scared him away, since I haven't heard a single word from him today.


Again, please don't judge me, just give me some insight or share a similar experience...?

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In my experience, this kind of thing never works. What you have to do is be the stronger person and walk away. Consider the fact that this man, who you admire so much, does not have the strength to make a lasting decision re: this relationship. Is he truly so wonderful as you make him out to be?

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I suggest asking to see a picture of his wife and child and think about the fact that he is about to have another child. Try to see this woman and child and this family as real people, with feelings. Imagine how you would feel in her situation. While his wife is pregnant with his child, he is developing an affair with another woman. You plan to sleep together at some point, and you think it's impossible to stay away from him? You are an adult person with choices at every turn. He is trying his hardest to be faithful to his wife and family, but you are not really helping. It takes two to tango, as they say. You need to help him do the right thing and take care of his family. Do him and his family a favor and back off. And, I would pray that if you ever wind up with him, someone is kind enough to you to give his new girlfriend the same insights.

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Well, this sounds like the sort of thing that happens on paper. This must be a horrible horrible burden on your shoulders and I cant even begin to imagine how it must feel.


I am at a loss for what to say to actually help. Though I wish I could.


Maybe it's for the best if you two agree to just... leave it be? Just let the friendship drop off? That way there won't be any really bad memories or anything to remember.

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I did it - don't do it! I thought this person was the love of my life, but he was never going to leave her. And after I ended it, I went on the find the unmarried real love of my life. It will hurt you, and you will regret it - I know that I do.


They also had a young baby, and I think that tends to be part of the problem - he's looking for something he can't get anymore, or something he used to have, but you're right to acknowledge he's not going to make a change/


No judgement - just the hope someone else won't make my mistake!!

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One of my best friends did that - while he had another child. She spent two years with him before accepting that he would not leave his wife. I wonder if she would have done anything differently had she known when she met him, in her 20s, that she had less than 10 more years to live.......


It's nice that he says all these sweet nothings - but instead of watching the lips - what he says (or where he puts his lips on your body)- watch the feet - what he does - which is continue to solidify his commitment to his wife and family.

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That is absolutely horrible. This man frightens me from ever wanting to get married. What kind of man does this when his wife is PREGNANT!?!?! Thats when she needs him the most! Its already an emotional affair and he's tempting himself with you. He also said that he had a crush on you. THAT IS SO WRONG!

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Wow, if he is willing to carry on such a relationship with you behind his wifes back whats to say that he wouldnt do that to you if he decides to leave? Its unfair to you both you and his wife and you would probably end up with more burden than what its worth. The way you feel is the way you feel but you also have the power of choice. Hopefully you make the right one thats best for yourself.

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Try changing your perspective of him. You say he's amazing, smart, funny, considerate.


Well, how considerate is he, if he's with you while his wife is pregnant? Is it actually smart for a man to start having an affair (even if you're not doing anything physical yet, it sure sounds like you will soon)? His wife would find out and use that as grounds to divorce him and take his child away from him. I guess it's ok if he doesn't care about his child - but, again, what kind of "amazing" man wouldn't care about his own child?


In fact, if he did care about his child at all, he would immediately stop seeing you, and would start taking care of his own family. Even if this man is kind and funny and considerate to you, he is a backstabbing self-centered bastard. He's seeing someone behind his wife's back - while she's pregnant, no less. That is possibly the most self-centered, selfish thing that a husband could do.


Especially since alcohol is usually involved! I'm sorry, but I have a friend who gets physical with this one guy friend she has every time she's drunk. It means absolutely nothing except that she feels lonely and wants physical/emotional contact.


You are the person this guy turns to when he needs someone to fill the physical and emotional gap he feels. This guy is treating you as filler material. Is that really what you want to be?

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Stay away from him and don't even worry about why he hasn't contacted you back today...he's married! I agree with the previous poster who said think about his poor wife who is at home taking care of HIS child while he's out "holding you for hours in his arms".


Put yourself in her shoes and realize that what you're doing is wrong. I don't think you're a bad person, but i'm sort of in the same place that this guy's wife is in right now and let me tell you it's absolute torture!


He isn't in love with you, he's in love with himself. Sorry, but this guy sounds like a real jerk!

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the only thing you can really feel guilty about is falling for this guy. ok you initiated the kiss, and as he did not pull away its obvious that if you had not its fair to say it could have went another step too far leaving you both in a worse state of guilt.

i dont think he is thinking clearly or considering his wife or you by encouraging this behaviour.

i strongly advise you walk away now, no good whatsoever can come from this situation for anyone involved, especially his wife and family.

i feel for you, i think you know yourself that what is happening is wrong and matters of the heart just dont make doing the right thing easy.

my advice to you is put a stop to this now before it goes any further for his family's sake and your own.

his priority is his wife and child and if the marriage is in trouble they will need to deal with that between themselves and he should be focusing on that and not looking for a distraction or something to fill an empty hole.

when you feel like this for someone it should be a happy content feeling to be raving about, not bringing emotional baggage and shame.

good luck sweetie.

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And, I would pray that if you ever wind up with him, someone is kind enough to you to give his new girlfriend the same insights.


WOW!!! Well said!!! Thats my thought exactly. He is fooling around behind his wife's back, if you end up with him, what do you think he will ultimately do to you?

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you know, why do women complain about men being scum and cheaters when, you know, it does take another woman to actually cheat, as in this case.


as for the OP, if you want my frank advice, you aren't special to him in his eyes. in your head, you're the only girl he's got his eyes on, but it's like the other posters have said, if it wasn't you, it'd just be another girl. the guy's eyes have been roaming for some time, and i doubt you're th first (or the last) girl that he propositioned. you just happen to fall for his trap, and now you're in a lose-lose situation.


most likely he stays with his wife, and you get discarded. or maybe he leaves his wife, gets with you, knocks you up, then when you're pregnant, he'll have his eyes roaming on some other women.

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Why would you want to break someone's family apart? They may already have problems but you don't need to be involved. Have you thought about the consequences of your actions? You can control of all this. You can find another person easily but what about his wife and children. What are the kids going to do without a father. This is the real world. It's not a romantic movie where he will leave his wife and love you forever. Can you imagine if you had a husband and he does that to you while you just had a 3 month old baby? I hope you will realize that even if you love him, you need to do what is right and walk away from the temptations and sins.

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Hi E. Dane,


I am not going to tell you how wrong it is to carry on with this guy...you already know that. I agree with most of the other posts here, it's time to walk away from this mess before it goes any further.


It's going to be painful, but think how much more painful it will be if it does go any further. I'm sorry, but this is just a lose/lose situation (for EVERYONE involved).


Like others have said, how great and wonderful can this guy really be if he can do this to his wife and family? There are absolutely no excuses for his behavior.


So, now it's time for you to take off the rose colored glasses you have been wearing and really see this man in true light.


I hope that made a little sense???


Best of luck to you. Stay strong and hold your head up knowing you ended this affair before it went too far.


God Bless.

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Most women who become 'other women' are not horrible people. They tend to be the romantic type who thinks that chasing 'love' is more important then boring reality and that love will conquer all. They also have a very strong ability and tendency to delude themselves and avoid and ignore unpleasant realities that conflict with what they want for themselves (like the fact that he is married, has a newborn, and is showing no signs whatsoever of leaving his wife or intendng to leave her.)


Keep in mind that this guy is willing to jerk you around and betray his wife to get a little personal ego boost and stimulation. What is all this love talk REALLY doing for you? Not much. But it is brightening up his boring day filled with diaper changes and a wife who is probably bloated and exhausted and not fawning all over him like you are because she is busily taking care of an infant, doing his laundry, and keeping his house clean. He gets his no cost ego fix from you every day, a little spice, and his home life is safe and comfy.


So you think you are working on 'love', but what you are really working on is stroking some narcissistic guy's ego. Narcissists need constant stroking, and if their wife is too busy/tired/sick to do it for them, they go find someone else like yourself.


So guys like this shop for women who will fall for their charm and give them the daily boost they need to supplement their 'boring' but stable family life. He's not interested in a full romance, he's interested in a little flirtation to spice up his day. You are putting far to much weight on the 'i'm in love with you' nonsense. If he were truly in love with you, he'd be filing for divorce.


You need to really FORCE yourself to see the reality of the situation, that this guy is a terrible husband (and would still be one should you manage to steal him away from his wife) and that he has got a whole other life that is (a) more important to him than you and (b) you shouldn't be ignoring.


Take a cold hard look at what he can offer you, and more importantly what he IS offering you, which is nothing but a little distraction and some pretty words. If you want a real romance, go find a guy who is available.

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Let's assume for a moment, he does leave his family.


What happens then ? What will he do if you get pregnant ?


He probably once told his wife the exact same words he is telling you right now. (If not Still telling her them)


Clearly, his words and promises are not worth very much.


If you set the standard of cheating to be acceptable now, he'll assume it's acceptable with you as well.

You have a fantasy of who this man really is. Time to step back and look at the reality.

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I've been there, in your same spot. I would say exact but....... Lets just say we did end up sleeping together. The 2nd time with extreme guilt on my part. What I thought was love almost turned to hate. I thought we were friends. I thought he cared about me, but when I told him I was done with the situation I quickly figured out he didn't care and I wasn't his friend. He tried for a while but when he knew I was done forever, I was yesterdays news so to speak. I felt special ya know. I was soooo special and he loved me soooo much..... six months later he was sleeping with the girl about 5 isles down from me. I have no regrets telling him to get lost. But I know if I would have continued to sleep with him I would be regretting that everyday. I already regret what happened the first two times. It was hard but I feel it made me stronger. The first six months I felt a loss of a friend and I missed how he made me feel. It was hard seeing him all the time too. But it was me who ended it so it made it just a tad bit easier to face him everyday. Eventually he left this job so I don't see him anymore.

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If married men were to be less selfish and coward there would be more happy families around. And if beautiful single girls like i am sure you are, had more morals and integrity there would be more kids with dad living home.

It is the worst feeling i had ever experienced in my life to find out that one's husband is dating another girl. I just went through that but he realized that i am the one he wants to be with, i hope that you would never have to feel this way. So i decided to give him a last chance to make this work, not so much for him...but because of our son, so he grows up with a father besides him, and maybe one day i will be able to forget what he did and maybe forgive him.


Have the courage to stop destroying this family and find yourself a single guy! Put yourself in my shoes and think that we all go through that "crush" process and yes it feels wonderful, we all know it but you know what?..it goes away because after the crush there is real life and in the real life one has to cope with family and kids and work and everything else. And although we all sometimes wish we could go back to the crush time, only the weakest of the couple will actually do it...and the result, well you know it.


Good Luck!

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oh man. you've got it bad. there's nothing worse that falling for someone who is not available. honestly? you've got to pull back from the friendship. this will just continue to hurt you when you hang out. and absolutely no alcohol when y'all are together! i've been through this before and it sucks. absolutely sucks. Unfortunately, this is an emotional affair...worse than a physical one, in my book...and a lot more dangerous.

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