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Does divorce mean your life stops?


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I hope someone out there has experience with this.


My dear friend of 15 years has just finalized his divorce a few months back. He was the one that asked for the divorce well over a year ago. She still lives in the same town but they never see each other. There are no children.


I became one of his closest friends before he married her about 10 years ago. We have always been attracted to each other but never acted on that until recently and we have been intimate a few times. He has told me numerous times how much I mean to him and that he has been so grateful to have me in his life. He says he is attracted to me.


I have been by his side through so many trials and tribulations over the years and he has been there through mine. It just seems natural that there could be something there for us. However, I have always respected his situation and know that divorce is difficult for everyone involved. The last thing I would do to this man is pressure him.


In the past few months I have asked a few times if he would join me for dinner in honor of his birthday, for fancy coffee and great conversation, or to enjoy a boat ride down the river. He always says "no". Tonight was no different. Free movie passes were turned down. I was feeling very slighted and I came right out and asked him why. His answer was that he is just afraid to be seen out in public for fear someone might perceive it as a date and he doesn't want his ex to hear about it and feel as if he is rubbing her nose in it. She has been out of his life for a year and a half. Is this something a divorced person goes through? I actually feel hurt that we have been friends for so many years and he is afraid to be seen in public with me.


I am trying to be patient and understanding but I feel that if I am good enough for him to cry on my shoulder at my house, have sex with or talk to me for hours on the phone, than why be embarrassed to be seen at a resturant or a movie theater?


Any thoughts or similar experiences out there? I have never been married or divorced so I really haven't got a clue. Thanks!

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Several months is a very short time for someone to move past the hurt of a divorce, even if he was the one that asked for it, and even if they haven't really been together for over a year. It sounds like he needs more time to deal with this. From what he told you, he may feel guilty about the situation, even though it was probably what was best for him. I don't think he is ready to move into a relationship with anyone, so I hope you will continue to be his friend.

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I feel exactly the opposite, I began dating when I found out she had a boyfriend.

That signaled to me that it was pretty much done. I've been divorced 2 months and date regularly, I have never felt like I was "cheating" on her. She left me, she refused counseling, she filed for divorce.


I wanted to be seen around town, I wanted her to know I was still alive, I wanted her to know I didn't shut down and wither, that I could go on without her.


I "rejected the rejector", I had to. I knew she wasn't coming back and I had to just keep on.....


Be patient and just be there for him like you are. If you are able to wait, perhaps it will pay off. This guy is divorced, it's not cheating and a good girl like you won't wait around forever !!

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I am trying really hard to be patient and stand by him but it is difficult not to take it personally.


I am a nice girl and I have always treated him with respect but I feel he is ashamed of being seen with me. That is kind of how it is coming accross. But, I try not to be upset by it and am there for him anyway.


I guess I can't completely understand what he must be feeling since I have never been married or divorced. I would think since he asked for the divorce that he would be ready to move on but I haven't walked in his shoes.


Thanks for the advice.

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Hi There

I have been single for the past 18 months and if I were to be very frank, I wouldnt want my ex wife to know I was dating anybody. Without getting ego's involved and after having moved away from "denial", I do acknowledge that I still love my wife and if there were a way of us getting back, I would move mountains to make that happen. Whether or not that happens, is quite a different story... But yes, I wouldn't want to be seen in public with anyone. A) Because I still have feelings for my ex wife & B) I may want to get back with her one day....


Just an objective male perspective to your question.

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This may be an unpopular thing to say, but i am going to say it anyway. He is using your friendship in ways that are only going to hurt you. If he was so concerned about hurting her feelings over the last year and a half then why the divorce? I could understand if there were kids involved & not wanting to put the family in an uproar so soon. But they a split a year and a half ago right? IMHO, you need to back way off & he needs to find male companionship. He may be thinking he made a mistake and wanting her back, you don't need that

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I think he may very well feel like he is cheating. Even though he asked for the divorce it still may be hard for him emotionally to confront it. I think if you were to invite him to another town for a nice dinner where you were not likely to be seen by friends or family and he still turned you down, I might have a problem with that.

I just had a thought, what if he is afraid it will look like he left his wife for you and possibly cheated on her since you were close before. Just a thought. Either way, he should be able to start off small and work his way out into the real world.



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  • 2 weeks later...

I just had a nice long talk with him and lostandhurt hit the nail right on the head. He said he doesn't want anyone to think we had a thing on the side while he was married. She never did like me and that is exactly where her mind would go. He also indicated he is just not emotionally ready to take on a brand new relationship but values me greatly for sticking by him all this time. Thanks, lostandhurt...you win the prize.

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