Does happiness come from within or from other people?

[gracerules2008]

I have often heard it preached on here time and time again that we have to be happy with ourselves before we're qualified to pursue relationships with other people.

 

One problem I find with this philosophy is that if this were true then what incentive would I have to pursue relationships with other people whether romantic or friendship?

 

I personally do believe that I achieve some degree of happiness through other people whether it's a romantic relationship, friendship, socializing, just the company of people, etc. I think human beings need one another.

 

Human companionship is a need for my soul. If I ever did get to a point of being self sufficient emotionally then I would have no desire to pursue relationships with other women. I'd have no desire to make friends. Heck I'd have no desire to even talk to anyone or interact with society in any form. I might be compelled to go live on an island alone.

 

So for those who believe that we don't need relationships to be happy what incentive do you have to pursue relationships at all? If I buy into this philosophy then I might as well dump my girlfriend because afterall I wouldn't need her in my life to be happy right?

 

Why don't we all just dump our significant others and go live on an island by ourselves and never talk to anyone if we don't need to depend on other people for anything?

[DN]

You can find happiness with another person just as with any other aspect of your life. But to depend on them for happiness is another matter.

[_Asti_]

I think other people ADD to our happiness.

That once we're happy with ourselves, we can truly appreciate other people.

 

I struggled with this at one point in my relationship. My partner was down and dealing with thins and generally wasn't happy. Our relationship took a big hit with it, and he expected me to make him and fix him. It doesn't work that way. Once things turned around and he got himself together, our relationship was amazing. Two happy, secure and satifised people in a relationship together is amazing.

 

I see all too many people expecting to find someone to make them happy. And the relationships fail. If you aren't happy with yourself, appreicate yourself, love yoruself, how can you accept and get those things from other people? You will cosntantly demand from them to fill something that is bottomless, because only you can fill that spot..everything else is just a bonus and makes everything that much more better.

 

Just because someone is happy and emotionally satisifed, doesn't mean we need to be off on our own living by ourselves. When you feel that way and someone comes into your life, you truly do feel as if you have it all.

[KG]

It's like a teeter-totter...your happiness goes up, his goes down, it's like trying to find that spot where you both put your legs up and balance, defying gravity!

[John Bendix]

DN makes a good point.

 

I do not see happiness as a goal so why would I want to pursue it? Happness is a fleeting emotional reaction the same as any other. It comes and goes and is not a state of being or one that can be obtained. It may just be that you do not NEED your girlfriend to be happy, but your emotional reaction to her is a feeling of happiness which is sensed as enjoyable both by your mind (chemically) and your ego.

 

As far as relationships are concerned, I see the connection that people have as possible being the reason we are here. To connect with others in a special relationship of love and understanding, is a way to awareness. Being aware of the true self that is inside of us all. To know that you have a connection with other people is defined by some as compassion.

 

There is a huge differnece between needing and just being. The real person inside just is while the ego always needs.

[Tom the fool]

Grace, I think your question is really insightful.

 

One distinction I make is between regarding relationships as either possessive or non-possessive.

 

If I am deeply dissatisfied, possessive relationships seem more desirable. I think of the prospect of acquiring friends, adding them up in an inventory, winning more points for close friends than for acquaintances, etc.

 

But as I become more satisfied, I begin to see relationships differently, in a non-possessive fashion, where all this inventory business actually seems absurd. You could say that I enter into a relationship rather than acquiring someone. The nearer I am to an inward satisfaction, the more this sort of thing will seem desirable. This means that there is something that begins within me & has an outward direction. Nothing at all is contradictory in this. A genius artist will do the same thing. He will produce what he must produce, from within, but the production itself — the painting or sculpture, say — will be external. It is true, of course, that someone who was content to keep all paintings and sculptures in his heart would have no incentive to produce, but then, he could hardly be called an artist. Likewise, the self-satisfied man may have no incentive to enter into relationships with others, but he can hardly be called happy.

 

Now, there is another point I think you bring out in your question, which is that happiness is not only about what is within. There is a very old saying that: since you cannot have what you want, what what you can have. The saying is not without merit, but it is also problematic. There are things it is right for me to desire that are simply beyond my control. Some philosophies would have us pretend that these are just unhealthy desires, but I don't believe they are. For instance, my concern for the well-being of my family is right but I cannot on my own guarantee this for my family. Someone dies; I mourn. Someone betrays my trust; I become angry. These are appropriate responses if they are measured. And even though these things that are beyond my control are real obstacles to my true and perfect happiness, nevertheless I am closer to happiness if I affirm that my desires are legitimate than if I deny them by saying that it is no concern of mine.

[Gratsy]

Happiness can certainly come from other people. But other people are often not available (the happiness-making kind, that is) so you should try to find happiness in other places, from other things.

[Haven]

Happiness can come from anywhere. Sometimes I laugh at how ironic the world is, and that makes me happy. Sometimes I connect with an old friend, and that makes me happy.

 

When you're just lying on your bed, doing absolutely nothing, and you feel happy, then you are happy.

 

Currently I'm at the point where I feel content, with moments of happiness scattered throughout the day. Yes, when I'm in a relationship, I do feel happier in general - but that doesn't mean that I'm unhappy without a relationship. It just means that I'm not as happy, or that I am happy but in different ways.

[easyguy]

'happiness' can come from yourself and other people and always dependent on conditions (that is why it comes and goes). 'Happiness' can only come from within. Just because you are content with yourself does not mean that you are avoiding relationships. It just means that you are not basing it all on someone else. People want to be around others who are content. However, you have to come to realize in your own life what the 'h' word means to you.

 

Be well.

[cuteguyinftl]

No it just sucks that you can feel people. I can too. and you sound just like me a while back. Yes!!! Most people have negative energy so why would no shut yourself off from that world. But always remember that as long as you are not denying yourself of happiness then you are on the right path!!

[Daddy Bear]

Nothing wrong with looking for happiness in other people, provided you're prepared to encounter unhappiness as well.

 

I would like to climb

high in a tree

I could be happy

I could be happy

or go to Skye on my holiday

I could be happy

I could be happy

maybe swim a mile

down the Nile

I could be happy

I could be happy

all of these things I do

all of these things I do

to get away from you

get away, run away, far away

how do I?

get away, run away, far away

how do I...

escape from you?

[Seraphim]

I think people add to our happiness as well, but essentially we need to be happy with ourself to have well balanced relationships with other people.

[bijoux27]

I think we can find happiness from many many places and be inspired from many things, but it is up to us to let the happiness blossom.

[gracerules2008]

The only time I'm happy is while I'm in a relationship. I can't be happy as a single guy.

[itsallgrand]

From my time on the planet, I'm quite sure the happiness comes from within our own minds. Where else could it come from, really, when you look at it hard?

 

Yet, we are all interconnected. And we all have effects and affects on each other.

 

Yeah, first you have to figure out what happiness is to you.

 

I can't ever remember a time in my life when I was absorbed into total selfishness and felt happy.

 

So I do think that part of our happiness is expressed by how we relate to others. Part of it is propelled by that.

 

The tricky thing about it is that who/what/where isn't the important part. It can be anybody (and has to be) and any circumstance - happiness is going to proportional to what you bring to the table.

As far as what others do and bring to the table, they will affect to the degree that each of us allows them to.

[Gratsy]

I'm not sure about that. I think who/what matters when it comes to happiness. Some people can make you unhappy, and it has nothing to do with any flaw of yours-- it means that those people are unhappiness spreaders. I don't think happiness completely depends on us. I think its up to us to maintain happiness but sometimes circumstances are miserable and that makes us miserable. There are slight variations to what makes people happy when it comes to different people, so that supports the perception argument that it comes from our own minds. BUt there are things that are universally known to make people happy/unhappy. Happy can be achieved strategically...surround yourself by happy things--- good people, etc...but sometimes the lack of happiness is simply out of our control. SOme people bring out unselfishness in us, and some people bring out our selfishness.

[gracerules2008]

I don't know what my problem is. On the one hand I can't be happy unless I have a girlfriend but I'm also commitment-phobic and intimacy phobic at the same time.

 

What does that mean? Has anyone else ever felt this way? I'm unhappy being single but I'm also afraid to get too close to my girlfriend.

[Tom the fool]

I don't know what my problem is. On the one hand I can't be happy unless I have a girlfriend but I'm also commitment-phobic and intimacy phobic at the same time.

 

What does that mean? Has anyone else ever felt this way? I'm unhappy being single but I'm also afraid to get too close to my girlfriend.

 

Of course other people have felt this way. It's one of the most common feelings in the world. It's all nonsense, of course — both the idea that a woman can make you happy & the idea that you cannot be content without one — but it's common.

 

Now, why, if you believe that your happiness hinges entirely upon your being in an intimate, sexual relationship with a woman, why wouldn't you be scared of commitment? What if you get into a relationship & find that you still aren't happy? Wouldn't that imply that all is lost? And how could you not feel at least a tinge of guilt for putting on a woman's shoulders the burden of making you happy? This isn't the kind of relationship you want to have, in which she holds your life in her hands. Learn to give thanks for what you have, whatever you have. If you have little, give thanks for that & if you have more, give thanks for that. But don't pretend like anything in your possession — including your own inward disposition — (nor something belonging to any of your fellow limited human beings) can make you truly and absolutely happy.

[itsallgrand]

I'm not sure about that. I think who/what matters when it comes to happiness. Some people can make you unhappy, and it has nothing to do with any flaw of yours-- it means that those people are unhappiness spreaders. I don't think happiness completely depends on us. I think its up to us to maintain happiness but sometimes circumstances are miserable and that makes us miserable. There are slight variations to what makes people happy when it comes to different people, so that supports the perception argument that it comes from our own minds. BUt there are things that are universally known to make people happy/unhappy. Happy can be achieved strategically...surround yourself by happy things--- good people, etc...but sometimes the lack of happiness is simply out of our control. SOme people bring out unselfishness in us, and some people bring out our selfishness.

 

Maybe.

 

Environment over self determination, though?

 

When I read things like Mr. Frankl and the like, I find it hard to swallow that we aren't the ones who decide.

 

I mean, I've seen people in some very bad circumstances and they weren't miserable.

 

I'm for sure no shoo-shooing that what and who is around us has an impact on us. It does.

 

If however, I had believed that outside circumstances and environment had been the thing to decide for me whether I'd be happy or not though - I would have been destined to a very miserable life.

 

So I don't need to convince anyone else of it. I know for myself how much we have a choice in the matter.

[easyguy]

After reading through the above posts, it struck me that perhaps the word is not happiness, but at peace. Would you rather be 'happy' or 'at peace' with yourself and others? They are not mutually exclusive, but happiness (joy) comes and goes. Being 'at peace' is a state that must come from within. However, with great effort, you can be 'at peace' even if you are not radiating with joy. The problem, of course, is not clinging the combination of both mind-states when they arise together. When there is clinging to habits of the mind which are dependent on the external, suffering follows. But being 'at peace' is not dependent on the external.

 

There's the famous question of the glass being half full or half empty. When it comes to being at peace, I have found it very helpful to forget any idea of a glass, of two opposing sides, and just be with what is.

 

Be well.

[SchecterGuy]

Friends/relationships do not create happiness, but I could not imagine being happy without them. Reading through a lot of the breakup posts I see people say work on yourself which is usually followed by hang out with people. If you are not happy on the inside friends probably won't make things much better. If you have no friends chances are you are dying on the inside. The two are not mutually exclusive.

 

I relate this to the phrase money does not bring happiness. It does not bring happiness, but it sure as hell eases a lot of stress and you would be pretty sad if you did not have any.