Why can't they move on??????

[Hollyj]

Why is that some cannot move on from their previous marriage-divorced 5+ years??? They go from short-term "relationship" to short-term relationship without the ability to commit themselves completely to a new partner. Their desire may be to be in a healthy relationship but are unable to incorporate new people into their lives-partners they claim to love.

 

My question is, why not return to the marriage if you are unable to move on with your life??

[avman]

My question is, why not return to the marriage if you are unable to move on with your life??

 

That option might not be available to them.

[Hollyj]

What if it was? What if the ex offered reconcilation and they turned it down? What if they said they could never return b/c of too much hurt and rejection? Too many what ifs!!!!

[doyathink]

Because we're screwed up in the head. I don't know why...but I'm dying for someone to tell me why, and how to move past it.

[Hollyj]

Do you prevent healthy realtionships from growing? And, would you seek counseling?

[doyathink]

No and yes, and .........no.

 

ok, that answered sucked. sorry

[Hollyj]

Interesting. Why wouldn't you seek help if it is affecting your life?

[John Bendix]

Do you prevent healthy realtionships from growing? And, would you seek counseling?

 

Holly,

 

Some do prevent healthy relationships from coming into their lives as a defense mechanism.

 

As for counseling, most do not think that there is anything wrong with the way they are going through life. They stand on these defense mechanisms because that is the way they have trained themselves to get by.

 

And the what if's will keep them using the defenses that they have created for themselves. Projecting into the future because of past experience does not allow us to live in the present moment and "move on".

 

DYT,

 

The key is acceptance.

[doyathink]

Interesting. Why wouldn't you seek help if it is affecting your life?

 

Help from a counselor? Because I've been around a ton of them, and can't say I'm impressed. My job requires me to take clients to them...and I think they're ridicules.

 

Now getting help from someone who knows you a little bit better is different. It's not all text book, and everyone is different. Yet counselors seem to lump everyone together.

 

How about you? Are you seeking help?

[doyathink]

Holly,

 

Some do prevent healthy relationships from coming into their lives as a defense mechanism.

 

As for counseling, most do not think that there is anything wrong with the way they are going through life. They stand on these defense mechanisms because that is the way they have trained themselves to get by.

 

And the what if's will keep them using the defenses that they have created for themselves. Projecting into the future because of past experience does not allow us to live in the present moment and "move on".

 

DYT,

 

The key is acceptance.

 

Dear John,

 

some of us do actually realize this is a problem, and we do realize something is wrong. I have accepted that I'm not going back to him full force, but I've also accepted that I'm not over the possibility that I may. lol

[Hollyj]

Help from a counselor? Because I've been around a ton of them, and can't say I'm impressed. My job requires me to take clients to them...and I think they're ridicules.

 

Now getting help from someone who knows you a little bit better is different. It's not all text book, and everyone is different. Yet counselors seem to lump everyone together.

 

How about you? Are you seeking help?

 

No. The relationship I was in was the most confusing and hurtful thing I have experienced. The man I was involved with stated he loved me but could not come to a level of commitment-It was the longest realtionship he has had with anyone since the divorce. Prior to meeting me he would go from woman to woman w/o the ability of dating for more than a month-these women were not allowed into his home or introduced to his friends.

 

He has regular communtication with the ex and still does things for her that do not involve the kids. In addition, they spend the major holidays together, for which I was not included.

 

I guess i just don't understand why they can't return if they can't move on?

[Hollyj]

Holly,

 

Some do prevent healthy relationships from coming into their lives as a defense mechanism.

 

As for counseling, most do not think that there is anything wrong with the way they are going through life. They stand on these defense mechanisms because that is the way they have trained themselves to get by.

 

And the what if's will keep them using the defenses that they have created for themselves. Projecting into the future because of past experience does not allow us to live in the present moment and "move on".

 

DYT,

 

The key is acceptance.

 

I understand the whole 'defence mechanism' thing, but don't you also think they're holding on to the ex? It seems from my experience and others I know that these individuals truly want a relationship. How can they not make the correlation?

 

What if they do recognize they are hurting others?

[doyathink]

First of all, if he isn't over his ex....then he shouldn't be dating. I know I'm not over mine...so I don't date. I'm not into hurting other ppl. At the same time...I don't want to be with my ex as in, a full on relationship either. It's really confusing, and all it means is...we're still screwed up in the head.

 

This man is wanting to move on, but can't yet. He needs to take time off from dating and get himself straightened out.

[Hollyj]

First of all, if he isn't over his ex....then he shouldn't be dating. I know I'm not over mine...so I don't date. I'm not into hurting other ppl. At the same time...I never want to be with my ex as in, a full on relationship either. It's really confusing, and all it means is...we're still screwed up in the head.

 

This man is wanting to move on, but can't yet. He needs to take time off from dating and get himself straightened out.

 

I agree 100%!

[AtMyWitsEnd]

I agree 100%!

 

I believe that is a good course of action. I was told by my husband that he wanted a divorce yesterday. I am focusing on myself and banning the idea of dating for awhile. I am in love with him, deeply, and I have no interest in trying to fill a void with some weak replacement rather than to just let that wound heal.

I hope my soon-to-be-ex also spends time focusing on himself. I think he has a few wounds that need to be healed before he can be with someone and be fulfilled and be fulfilling to them. Same here.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Sometimes people find the marriage and divorce so traumatic they don't want to do it again.

 

Or they discover they are no good at marriage, and prefer a series of partners rather than a permanent commitment (think George Clooney).

 

And some people are not over their ex, and will hang on forever if there's even a minute choice the ex might take them back. Meanwhile, they fill the lonely hours wth someone else they don't intend to marry.

[Hollyj]

Sometimes people find the marriage and divorce so traumatic they don't want to do it again.

 

Or they discover they are no good at marriage, and prefer a series of partners rather than a permanent commitment (think George Clooney).

 

And some people are not over their ex, and will hang on forever if there's even a minute choice the ex might take them back. Meanwhile, they fill the lonely hours wth someone else they don't intend to marry.

 

 

This one cannot even date someone for more than a month. Wants no commitment! Funny thing, he said he had been looking for someone to be in a relationship with, unfortunately that's where I came into the picture.

 

Strange that he will not reconcile with the ex-she asked him back-but he can't let the "family" go. It seems he believes he's still responsible for her:still does her tax return five-years later. Ridiculous!!!!

[Hollyj]

I believe that is a good course of action. I was told by my husband that he wanted a divorce yesterday. I am focusing on myself and banning the idea of dating for awhile. I am in love with him, deeply, and I have no interest in trying to fill a void with some weak replacement rather than to just let that wound heal.

I hope my soon-to-be-ex also spends time focusing on himself. I think he has a few wounds that need to be healed before he can be with someone and be fulfilled and be fulfilling to them. Same here.

 

You have a very healthy perspective considering what you're going through

[just M.E.]

I am not ready for a "relationship" and find it difficult to date as I have too much empathy for the other person if there isn't a balance. I know I am not ready to open myself to a relationship at this time. But I carry no fond feelings for my ex, I have some anger for his actions but I have apathy toward the man.

 

I do know those who can't be alone and even though they haven't worked through the emotional process of moving on, they go through the motions, dating and jumping in and out of relationships. They need to feel connected but haven't gotten to a place mentally and emotionally where they are ready to be a partner to another person. They still carry emotional baggage.

[benga]

I think its a selfish phase that people go through. I recall having gone through something like this as well and I remember posting on it a while back as well. The way I see it, its just a selfish phase and it just feels good to be attractive to somebody else. Emotionally Numb otherwise and with absolutely no intent on committing to anybody. Dating, seeing people, exchanging spit and other bodily fluids but there was nothing inside. It may have been viewed as not being able to commit, which it indeed was and honestly there was no emotional connection.

 

Back then, I couldn't understand why I wasn't able to get closer to anybody. So I went around a little. Over time, I figured it was just me, and had nothing to do with anybody else. Yes sure, feeling attractive once to the opposite sex is always good.

 

I realised this. I have since stayed far away from dating or leading on anybody. I don't think I am ready.

[surfjon]

I went thru about a 4 month period too where I just dated as much as possible, I actually had a "3 date rule", after 3... done.

 

It was fear of wanting to get closer. I had been so dumped by my wife, I didn't want to feel it from someone else. I figured "If I don't get close to them, I won't be hurt by them". It was an empty time, but served a purpose. I think like Benga says, people do this, as the ego has taken a hit and then we attach it to life support and try to revive it with the feeling of being wanted by others, and as many others as possible was my opinion.

 

I finally was able to commit for a few months, but started to pull away and want the ease of not being in a relationship. I was exclusive 23 years, I was faithful....

 

Some, like me, at certain points in life want to wander a bit, I'm not ready to be tied-in with one person now, I like seeing all the girls I see, each one is different and has something beautiful I want to experience and I don't really see that changing for a while.

[Hollyj]

I am not ready for a "relationship" and find it difficult to date as I have too much empathy for the other person if there isn't a balance. I know I am not ready to open myself to a relationship at this time. But I carry no fond feelings for my ex, I have some anger for his actions but I have apathy toward the man.

 

I do know those who can't be alone and even though they haven't worked through the emotional process of moving on, they go through the motions, dating and jumping in and out of relationships. They need to feel connected but haven't gotten to a place mentally and emotionally where they are ready to be a partner to another person. They still carry emotional baggage.

 

But isn't it lonlier to go from short-term relationship to short-term relationship? Lord, I'd rather be alone. Not applying to the poster.

 

So everyone is aware there is a problem but won't face up to it? I don't get it ? Don't people want peace in their lives, it seems very chaotic to me?

[Hollyj]

So you don't feel anything at all for these women? Who ended the marriage?

[just M.E.]

But isn't it lonelier to go from short-term relationship to short-term relationship? Lord, I'd rather be alone. Not applying to the poster.

 

So everyone is aware there is a problem but won't face up to it? I don't get it ? Don't people want peace in their lives, it seems very chaotic to me?

 

 

I don't go from short term to short term relationship, I stay alone.

 

It isn't as simple as "facing up" to it. It is a process or recovery and healing. In some situations, it is likened to Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. You wouldn't walk up to someone with that and ask them to "face up to it".

 

Yes, everyone wants peace in their lives and those who have not moved on are potentially people who may not move on. Just as there are those single people who have never made a commitment, there are those who can be very damaged from a relationship or a marriage. Those that go through this as a phase, work through it. The other part of this, is that divorced people often realize that a commitment and relationship doesn't always give peace. They have been through "war zones" in marriages and understand that sometimes it is better to be alone than to wish you were.

 

They have to do this for themselves, in their own way and their own time frame. Unfortunately, there is no magic cure to make them heal faster or make a commitment in a certain time frame.

 

Like everyone in this world, divorced people carry emotional baggage, some just figure out how to set it down and put it in the closet better than others.

[Hollyj]

Yeah, but the problem I have is when others are brought into this situation. He told me he loved me and wanted an exclusive relationship, when I returned his feelings he backed away-instantaneous wall went up . This man broke my heart because he can't figure a way to move on with his personal life. Not fair!!!!!!!!!!!!!