Girlfriend 3yr, Cheating? Playing the Field?

[safty]

Hello,

 

I've been seeing this woman for almost three years now. Some things are going on that I'm having trouble making sense out of them because I think she is spinning facts. I love this woman deeply and fully believe she is my soulmate. Because of my feelings for her and what I hope would eventually be our future, I cannot speak with family or friends because I do not want to taint their opinion of her.

 

Some history: I met her at work over 3 yrs ago. A co-worker introduced us. I was new to this work location, so I was polite and gracious. She did strike me and I felt something inside, but I did not think twice about it because I was going through a brutal divorce and custody battle ending a 13 year marriage. Several months later, I was at a co-worker's desk that was next to hers. He shared with me that this woman had three daughters and was married to an old guy (no offense). She was 37 he was 50. Anyway, I did not think much of it. A few months later, some I was with some friends out at dinner. I noticed her off in the distance as a waitress at the restaurant. My thought was: hmm I did not know she was a waitress and worked at company X too. Anyway, I focused on dinner with friends but had a distracted feeling inside. I did notice that as she walked by, she would look at our table but she did not approach us. When we left the restaurant, I was the last to leave as we walked through the bar area. She approached me an made sure I noticed her. She said "hi" and "have a nice evening." I responded with "well thank you" and "you have an nice evening too." Her face lit up as she approached me and her eyes were wide open and she was smiling. If I did not have to drive my friends home, I felt like I was indirectly invited to return to have a conversation. Anyway, I did not act on it. Several months later, we crossed paths as work and started talking about work related things. We had conversations over the next few days. She then told me she wanted to change jobs and wanted to know if I had openings. I said yes and introduced her to the team. I only saw her as proactively seeking a new assignment and not as a romantic gesture. One day we were speaking about cars. She mentioned what she drove. Likewise for me. We were with another person. She then mentioned that she thought her husband (the old guy, no offense) was about to file for divorce. I told her to keep her chin up and I was going through a brutal one. A few days later, she told me she was served with papers. I expressed empathy for her and commented that one day we will have to share war stories and chucked trying to lighten the mood. We then started communicating more and about a week later went on a date. Our relationship grew from there. Both of us completed our divorces. Anyway we grew quite closer and in fact I asked her to marry me. A little over a year later, she said she was unhappy with things. We were not spending a lot of time together. She had her daughters often, inclement weather came, I was traveling every other weekend to see my daughter. So, we talked about it and agreed to work on making more time for one another.

 

We did not get that much time together after all. I would wait to see what she had going on before I made plans to fix my house and other personal stuff. It felt like out relationship was drifting apart. Anyway, after two years, I told her that some things needed to change. We were sending around 100 text messages a day. If I was at home working on my house, there would be flurries of text messages. If I was with my business partner (a man), she would bombard me with text messages. During work, after work, weekends, etc...bombardments of text messages. Of course I responded. I shared with her that this is consuming our times to do housework, etc. and we needed to slow down. I was concerned that too much of our communication was in the form of text messages and it was taking away from face-to-face communication.

 

After 2 yrs, last October, I told her I wanted to end the relationship because I felt choked. We broke up but texting did not. She told me she went on a couple of dates. I started dating someone in December. While I was dating this women, I kept texting back. In January, I dumped the other women and went back to her. A month later, we broke up. She told me she had other options. I April, I started seeing another woman. My old girlfriend now kept telling me she had options. We, of course, rubbed this in each other's face. We decided to talk about getting back together in June and started talking rather than texting in June. I had dumped the other woman before starting talks about getting back together.

 

Now you now about our history. Here are the issues that I see: When we were first dating, she told me she had men friends and not many woman friends. This was always the case for her going back to high school. She said she would never act on these relationships. They were just friends. Well, one time I was away visiting my daughter, a single man came to her house to visit her for 3 hours. She said he just stopped by. It just happened she was home alone without her daughters and I was out of town. We text through it. I told her it was ok if he stopped by unannounced and she did not have to be rude and tell him to go away. But I did say I was uncomfortable with the situation. I begs for questions. This happened again with another co-worker male who took a job at another company and was in the area for kareoke (?) night. He just stopped by to see how she was doing. He is a married male. She was home alone again. I told her I did not like this. It looks wrong and is putting her in a compromising position.

 

My girlfriend had some male contacts in her personal contact list. She said it was not big deal.

 

One night, she was out with friends while we were in a broken up period. We text each other that night. In fact she agreed to see me on her way home. She told me that this local stud aggressively tried to pick her up telling her to go home with him for the best sex she will ever have. She told me this. I could not tell if she was disgusted or excited. She said she thought it was funny and would never do anything with him. I asked her why she would even tell me this. She did not answer. A couple of days later she told me this stud called her on her personal cell phone to apologize. She said he was nice. She did not divulge any more details about her conversation with him.

 

A while later, we got back together. I asked if she deleted the contact information of this stud and the couple of guys she dated. She said yes and had no plans to see them or contact them. I looked at her phone and the contacts were still in there. I gave her the phone and asked why she lied to me. She said she did not lie and proceeded to act as if she was deleting the names.

 

We broke up again. On Thursday before Father's Day, we talked on the phone discuss whether we could make it over our issues. We had been texting and talking on the phone all along. That Thursday evening, i told her my brother was in town from overseas and that we would going out to the bowling alley to listen to a band. I told her I loved her during the call, she reciprocated and we did share that we thought we were soulmates. Less than one hour later, she text me that she had plans for Sat night too now. I asked via text what they were. She said she was going out with friends and she was glad to know where I was going so she would not go there. I asked how she did not have plans less than an hour ago then all of a sudden she does. I told her that I thought she had plans all along and as soon as she knew I was out of the way, she confirmed her plans.

 

Sat night came. She was on my mind all day. My plans fell through. I text her and she said she was busy. Later I text her and she said she was home. I asked if I could come over. She said she the door is always open.

 

I went to her house. She was asleep. I felt compelled to check her cell phone. I found text messages with a guy following up on the night out. It was unclear if this was a guy with her group of friends or if she went out solo with this guy. The text messages were about traveling safely in the fog. There was some missing texts right about the time I started texting. There was one from him stating 'oh no, be careful." That text came from him after I told her I wanted to come over. There was no outgoing text to him stating I was coming over.

 

So, what did I do? I sent him a text asking if he got home safely and that I had a nice time from her phone. He responded in the morning that he had a nice time too and hoped to meet again. Keep in mind my girlfriend and I were talking about getting back together and that we loved each other. I sent back an encouraging message to see how he would respond. He sent one back. So, I let a text rip. I sent " I want you." He responded with "I want you too. I think about you all the time. I hope company policy doesn't jeopardize us wanting to see each other openly. I'm going to call Steve this morning to see if he'll pick up the tab for me to stay in town the next two nights in order to put in extra time to meet our work deadline. We'll see."

 

So I asked my girlfriend (?) how her night out was. She said fine. I asked where she went. She said out for wings and beer. I told her my plans fell through and what went on during my night. I asked where she went. She would not reply. I asked how her friend Melissa was. She said Melissa wanted to go where I was so she did not go with them. I asked her where she went. She said she went out out on a business dinner with a supplier. I said that seemed odd to have a business dinner on a satuday night expecially set up at the last minute since her original plans she text me about fell through (or did they). She said the guy was stuck in town so he asked if they wanted to wrap up the work week with wings and beer. I said oh. You can tell me this because I have no issues with business meals. Then I asked what really went on with other probing questions. I told her that I thought she went on a date not a business dinner and that she was not being truthful to me. It then voluntarily came out that he asked her out and she said to him "that she did not know if they could see each other because of company policy." She said that was her way to tell him she was not interested in him. She later confessed that he kissed her goodnight.

 

I felt she played us both. She told me she loved me, I was her soulmate, but acknowledged we had to work through issues. She told me she told this business acquaintance she was not interested, but told him about "policy" and let him kiss her good night. I think she signalled to him that she was interested, did not mention her relationship with me, and brought up policy because this guy represented a vendor that she worked with and wanted to protect her job.

 

This came out when I showed her the text messages. We reconciled and got back together. She told me her privacy is extremely important to her and she did not like that I checked her phone. It is a major irritant to her. Well, last Monday evening, she caught me checking her phone. I told her why I did it. She said she cannot tolerate me checking her phone and has hence dumped me.

 

I talked to my best friend locally about this because I am hurting. He told me that his brother told him when he saw that I was dating her at a party, that my girlfriend, a few years ago, applied for a job where he worked. He said the word in the office was that my girlfriend (this was before we dated) likes men.

 

By the way, my girlfriend (?) has 3 daughters and was divorced twice.

 

I love her. What should I do? Are my suspicions justified?

 

Sorry for the long message. I'm emotionally out of sorts.

[luvs2kayak]

I read every word of your message, and I feel you are overreacting, and considering your suspicious, paranoid behaviors, no wonder she dumped you. She isn't perfect either; in fact, you are two peas in a pod who feed into each others dysfunction on a daily basis. Her game playing amounts to trying to make you jealous, don't you see it? Every time you say you're going out, suddenly she's going out, too. It's your fault that the newest dude answered the text the way he did. Say that they had never expressed romantic interest in each other before that, then he gets the "I want you" text-- that would open up the flood gates for many men. So your attempts to deceive and manipulate are worse than hers are, or at least they're equal.

 

You need to grow up and stop the games and drama. Be on your own for awhile and develop your emotional self. Then find someone who wants a mature relationship without all the b.s.

[luvs2kayak]

And, really, all this communication via texting sounds more like two 13-year-olds than healthy interaction between mature adults who respect one another.

[RandomAdvisor]

She told me that this local stud aggressively tried to pick her up telling her to go home with him for the best sex she will ever have. She told me this. I could not tell if she was disgusted or excited. She said she thought it was funny and would never do anything with him. I asked her why she would even tell me this. She did not answer. A couple of days later she told me this stud called her on her personal cell phone to apologize. She said he was nice. She did not divulge any more details about her conversation with him.

 

The above for me really outlines what kind of woman she is. If she had the least bit of discretion she wouldn't be telling you about that happening. Instead every time there is anything even remotely approaching another man being interested in her, she has to rub it in your face to push your buttons and make you jealous. And how did this stud get her phone number? Did he get lucky and guess it?

 

She's an immature manipulative drama queen. A stereo type of someone who is twice divorced.

 

But I have to also agree with luvs2kayak - she is the woman you deserve.

 

And your post title is misleading by the way. She's NOT your girlfriend anymore. She did you a favor and dumped you.

 

Hopefully when your mind has cleared and this isn't all so emotional for you, you can learn some lessons to take to your next relationship.

[bellanicola003]

Wow, you really have a lot on your hands and I feel bad, but let's get some hard love going - Let me ask you this though...do you really think and believe that a soulmate is supposed to be with other people when you two are supposed to be together or kissing other people when two are supposed to be together or working on things, etc? I mean, I'm on a break with someone right now who I believe I'm meant to be with and it was all my fault, but regardless, I wouldn't be going out with other people, kissing other people, etc if I truly did love and respect this man that I am devoted to and want to spend my life with. Talk is cheap and actions speak volumes.

 

I know that this is the first person since your divorce, but that doesn't mean that she's the one. You do seem to get very jealous when guy friends go to visit her and I have a lot of guy friends who I visit and who visit me and that never made my bf jealous or question anything. There is obviously something about her that makes you think she is cheating or the type. Do you really want to live that way for the rest of your life? Always feeling that you had to check her phone, drilling her on where she went and with who, text messaging ple from her phone??? You said you have a teenage daughter...what would you tell her if in a few years she came to you with this scenario only she's you and doing all of those things? You would tell her to cut her losses and move on right?

 

It's so easy to get caught up with the idea of being in love and we all want it, but sometimes it's just not right and it's more of an obsession. We also become so attached that we actually think we can't be without this person, not because we love them and feel our hearts truly breaking inside of us, but because they are a habit that we've had around us for say 1, 2, 3 years.

 

I think there are a lot of issues that you have to deal with with this woman. She certainly gave you reason to question her loyalty, but think deeper as to why you became so obsessed with the relationship or in catching her in lies. Is there maybe something in your past that hasn't been dealt with? I don't know...I'm just saying. Typically when we're burned once, then we think we're going to get burned again!

 

I would just let her go for now and for heaven's sakes quit the text messaging! We've all been sucked in there! You're old enough to pick up the phone and chat. I think that may have led to some of your problems as well!

 

Good Luck!

[Lana0120]

This isn't just a relationship, this is a bumpy rollercoaster ride! Why on earth would you sign yourself up for as much drama as this? She doesn't sound serious about you at all. Stay away from her and don't look back!

[safty]

Thank you for the input. You are correct about my immature behavior. We talked about texting being the ruin of us before. I've had my suspicions for a while that if something was not to her liking, she would find solace in a friend. Given that her friends are male, well what would I think.

 

The drama is too much. She said the drama is too much too. So, I believe we are in a state of both of us cutting the crap, growing up, letting our guards down and sincerely open ourselves up to attempting to make this work or cut all ties, suck it up and move on. That is the decision I am trying to make.

[RandomAdvisor]

Suck it up and move on for sure. There is just too much history and too much drama. You would be an absolute fool if you gave this woman another chance. As I've said already - she did you a favor by dumping you.

[safty]

To luvs2kayak, I understand your assessment. But in the past, she told me she deleted contacts but actually did not. Regarding me texting the guy, it was not one of my proud moments but i did not know how else to uncover the truth because I was receiving partial truths from her.

 

She did say he asked her out. She said she was concerned about policy at work. They kissed goodnight. I believe they talked about some form of romance.

 

Yes, the I want you text probably excited the guy prompting his response. But I believe he was manuvering that way.

 

Why couldn't she just be up front with the guy and say I'm interested. But, I have this lingering relationship thing that I need to close out. Out of respect for him, myself and what you would think of me, let me close things out with him and we will see about us from there?

[luvs2kayak]

Safty, Sometimes a relationship has too many wounds to survive without a lot of continuing pain and suffering, no matter how much "potential" it has. Know what I mean? Better sometimes to let it go, learn from it, and start fresh with someone else in a situation where the baggage doesn't exist. In my opinion, sometimes a relationship has run its course and it becomes impossible to make it work. There's just too much damage and resentment from all the dysfunction.

 

In time, find someone who brings out the best in you, not the worst.

 

I also want to say, imagine you put all the energy you've devoted to this relationship into your daughter. Wouldn't she be the luckiest girl in the world, and you the luckiest father? We only have so much energy to give. Be sure to direct yours in a positive direction where you're really making a difference...

 

Good luck.