mr me Posted July 27, 2008 Share Posted July 27, 2008 Im writing this because i seem to really latch on to any type of possibility of meeting someone new. I feel it has to do with me not being over my ex and eventho im trying to get over her i still want her back. I also am dealing with alot of addictive behaviors. I know i cant just make this go away but im struggling realzing how im just like my family and i cant do anything about that. Its just that most of them have had relationships and havent really been over it. Its pretty crazy. Im trying to get out of my house because i desperately need to be in a different enviornment but im basically am starting from nothing. I realized 2 things about myself lately that are bothering me. I confused being close to people with having sex. I also thought of how i dont feel like im good at anything eventho i dont think its true i just feel that way. So all i feel like im good at is sex and in a way i felt like i could repay people for helping me with sex. I guess my first thought was how abused people end up in the porn industry or prostitution. I feel like i wouldnt do that but its bothering me because of all my issues right now. I feel like im going to be broken forever. I realized that even if i let go of my ex and get over her i still have so many issues from my life that its scary. My biggest problem is how i havent been able to get out of my enviornment that continues the craziness in my life. Its just im suffering from bad depression. I tried counseling once and its been really hard for me to go back. She once told me that some people are dependent on counseling for there whole life and i was like that for a time. I didnt think that way but once she told me i really saw it. I still didnt see the counseling helping me but that made me run away and i couldnt even think about it. I feel like in a way im not able to help myself completely and thats pretty scary. I do want the help and even went to therapy because i wanted to help but once i saw things for what they really were i just couldnt deal with it. I feel like i get attached right away to anyone that i might like but it seems like the reasons why i like them are because of my ex. So its been over a year and 4 months and im still just struggling with dealing with the basic things. Im just trying to write so to see if i could do anything to help myself but the pain from my personal life just seems to block any of that out. I dont feel like i could go back to that counselor but im just hoping that i dont run scared if i do anything to help myself because i even know i do it because its like im sabotaging things but i cant seem to get over that. I also have this fear of them putting me into an psychiatric hospital because my aunt went into one of those before. The problem is if your still dealing with the same things that caused you to feel that way then those feelings and problems just come back. Im actually feeling kinda suicidal but im not really so scared of those feeling anymore because ive been dealing with them for so long and ive been able to get thru them before. Link to comment
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