Trying not to be so obsessive

[mr me]

Im writing this because i seem to really latch on to any type of possibility of meeting someone new. I feel it has to do with me not being over my ex and eventho im trying to get over her i still want her back. I also am dealing with alot of addictive behaviors. I know i cant just make this go away but im struggling realzing how im just like my family and i cant do anything about that. Its just that most of them have had relationships and havent really been over it. Its pretty crazy. Im trying to get out of my house because i desperately need to be in a different enviornment but im basically am starting from nothing.

 

I realized 2 things about myself lately that are bothering me. I confused being close to people with having sex. I also thought of how i dont feel like im good at anything eventho i dont think its true i just feel that way. So all i feel like im good at is sex and in a way i felt like i could repay people for helping me with sex. I guess my first thought was how abused people end up in the porn industry or prostitution. I feel like i wouldnt do that but its bothering me because of all my issues right now. I feel like im going to be broken forever. I realized that even if i let go of my ex and get over her i still have so many issues from my life that its scary.

 

My biggest problem is how i havent been able to get out of my enviornment that continues the craziness in my life. Its just im suffering from bad depression. I tried counseling once and its been really hard for me to go back. She once told me that some people are dependent on counseling for there whole life and i was like that for a time. I didnt think that way but once she told me i really saw it. I still didnt see the counseling helping me but that made me run away and i couldnt even think about it. I feel like in a way im not able to help myself completely and thats pretty scary. I do want the help and even went to therapy because i wanted to help but once i saw things for what they really were i just couldnt deal with it.

 

I feel like i get attached right away to anyone that i might like but it seems like the reasons why i like them are because of my ex. So its been over a year and 4 months and im still just struggling with dealing with the basic things. Im just trying to write so to see if i could do anything to help myself but the pain from my personal life just seems to block any of that out. I dont feel like i could go back to that counselor but im just hoping that i dont run scared if i do anything to help myself because i even know i do it because its like im sabotaging things but i cant seem to get over that. I also have this fear of them putting me into an psychiatric hospital because my aunt went into one of those before. The problem is if your still dealing with the same things that caused you to feel that way then those feelings and problems just come back. Im actually feeling kinda suicidal but im not really so scared of those feeling anymore because ive been dealing with them for so long and ive been able to get thru them before.

[mr me]

I had another panic attack. I feel like im in need of alot of help. Its just something like shaving that i couldnt do eventho ive been trying to do it this whole week was really getting to me. I also am having suicidal thoughts because of 2 separate things that were flaring up my abandonment issues. Im also really struggling with making my expectations for my life alot more realistic instead of so idealistic and perfect. I dont think the way i want things to work out for me will ever happen but under all this stress and depression im not really able to stop myself from thinking like that because it was my defense mechanism to keep me going trying to reach that. Its just that those goals arent possible so im trying to reach for things that arent real so then when i see myself doing that i get myself really depressed again and it just keeps on happening.

 

Also my aunt said something stupid like do i ever fall asleep and i said to u ever fall asleep. So now i feel guilty because i think i made her go to bed because my whole family is really sensitive so saying anything negative can make one of my aunts cry. Its just i know i didnt do anything wrong and on top of that i dont even know if thats why shes asleep right now. Also my grandma is always up my butt and she was trying to tell me something but just the tone of voice she talks to people in gets on your nerves. Its like she has a almost angry tone whenever she says anything in my house. I try to deal with my family the best i can but i really doubt like anyone could really deal with them and not be going out of there mind.

[mr me]

Honestly i want to ask anyone a question that reads this thread. Alot of my threads i wont have anyone else write on it but myself. I wonder if anyone would take the time and answer why they dont write anything. I guess its not really gonna change my feelings too much because of how depressed i am but im at least trying to understand it better. I guess im just lacking alot of self-esteem or self-confidence so i need people to validate me or reassure me so actually if you still want to answer my question i would appreciate it but im just seeing that i need to really do stuff differently.

[Angel_baby]

Mr Me, I read your original post earlier, then didn't reply because you were offline and I thought I would just catch you online later and reply then. Not to mention my internet connection isn't the greatest right now.

 

I am very obsessive also. I know exactly what you mean when you say you will set goals but not be able to reach them. I do it all the time. And no matter how many times I tell myself that I am going to relax and not obsess about it as much.... doesn't work.

I get panic attacks about the stupidest things. I could realize I forgot to sweep the kitchen then have one.

 

My coping technique is when everything seems to crowd in and strangle you... LET IT GO. It's hard but just "let it go". It may happen again later but you do the same thing and tell yourself it isn't going to bother you and that you are letting it go for now.

 

Also I have learned to accept that I am an OCD Perfectionist. Accepting that makes it easier for me to know I can't change how I think. I can only change little things with time and work.

 

Counseling helps!! Better yet therapy for your obsessiveness. You can learn ways to relax and not stress so bad about things you don't have control of.

[mr me]

Well i really appreciate what you wrote. I am trying to learn to let things go but im struggling with that alot. I dont think ive ever really let things go but i feel like i can and am working on it but havent really been able to do it. I also realized im addicted to my computer because its one of the main things that i can use to escape my reality. So im trying not to be on it so much but its like im fighting with myself to be on it. I guess i just said that because im trying to let out my thoughts as much as possible because of how i really wasnt able to before.

 

I didnt get at first what you meant about accepting it but i get it now. I am having alot of trouble accepting it because i did everything i could to not be this way because of how my family is. Its just thats not how things work so im still not really doing so good with that but ill work on it.

[mr me]

I think also somehow you made me think of something i could tell myself alot. Im starting to tell myself it doesnt matter because it really doesnt. I just think and stress over things until im really tired so now i just tell myself it doesnt matter and it started to work so thanks for the inspiration.

[Angel_baby]

Yes I totally understand about spending to much time on the computer. Here is something I do myself. I give myself a certain amount of alotted time I can spend online and such. When that is over I shut down the computer and unplug it (more work to get it going makes it less tempting). I then do other things to occupy my time.

 

Accepting it is a big part towards helping yourself. Once you have accepted who you are you can learn to better yourself and the way you think and do.

 

 

 

That's exactly what I was getting at. Because in reality a lot of the stuff an obsessive person stresses about are meaningless. Tell yourself it's ok to let it go or it doesn't matter. That way you can really focus on what is important in your life.

Another thing is to learn to "sort" through what matters to analyze and think about and what doesn't.

 

I am glad it is helping you. It takes work and sometimes you will need to tell yourself a few times but don't give up.

[Daddy Bear]

I give you the two rules for life, mr me:

 

1. Don't swear the small stuff.

 

2. Everything is small stuff.

[mr me]

I like your rules lol good way of looking at it.

[audrey28]

you said you engage in addictive behaviors. please look into 12-step programs, like alcoholics anonymous (AA), codependents anonymous (CODA), sex and love addicts anonymous (SLAA). just read up on them and see which one fits your behavior patterns. meetings really help in making you understand what you are going through and that there is a road to recovery.

[mr me]

Well i think im codependent and sex and love addicted so im trying to work thru that. I never thought of that so thanks.