I think he's scared of a relationship...

[Weeblie]

I've known this guy for 3 years, he lives in another state.

We've spent the past two weeks discussing why he thinks a relationship isn't possible and I think it is. Most of the time I think he's projecting his insecurities on me. When I called him out on it, he got defensive, saying I was being adversarial. I wasn't.

 

Through out all this, he has never said that he wasn't interested in me.

So, yesterday I sent him an email asking him if he likes me. He hasn't responded. I think I've put him in an awkward position by asking this question and he's going to put up more walls between us. Should I tell him to forget about it or wait for an answer?

 

some side info:

- he's had a LDR once before and it ended badly

- his last serious relationship also ended badly

- he has a history of ending relationships before they can even get started

[Caterina]

You know the evidence. You know the facts. Look at them. Whats obvious? Yeah, move on sister.

You're doing the same thing I was doing. He'll never give you what you want if you're the one chasing. Basically this guy is a dead-end. Maybe he'll shape up if you give him the chance to chase but the chances are slim. Some part of him likes you, but he's not being clear about it and men who aren't clear aren't sure...basically men who don't know for sure are better if you let them go...b/c ultimately "i don't know" means "no"

[Weeblie]

Thank you for your bluntness. Though, I'm not blindly hoping for an attraction. I know there was one. I'm not so sure if there is anymore.

 

Two months ago he told me that he liked me and wished we lived closer so that we could date. We met up and there was a miscommunication during the trip. He thought I was rejecting him and started to withdraw. I noticed that, thought he was rejecting me and gave him the cold shoulder. I realized a little too late that I should've talked to him instead of freaking out.

 

He says that's a sign that we can't communicate with each other...even though communicating is exactly what we've been doing for the past two weeks.

[annie24]

it sounds like you're in the role of the 'convincer.' you should NEVER have to be in the role of the convincer. whether or not it is possible for you two to have a relationship, i think you know deep down in your heart, that if a guy liked you that much, he'd figure out a way to make a relationship with you work. since he isn't..... that tells you what you need to know. forget this guy, and focus on guys who are taking the time and energy to get to know you and date you!

[Weeblie]

Deep down in my heart, I think he's freaked out.

A person doesn't change their mind about something they were so sure about for months, in just one afternoon. I don't think it's normal to talk about things so extensively either. If he was so sure it wouldn't work out, then it's extremely simple for him to cut me out of his life. His actions say he's interested, but his words don't agree.

 

So how do I get him to chill out and stop thinking about problems that aren't problems?

[Caterina]

Deep down in my heart, I think he's freaked out.

A person doesn't change their mind about something they were so sure about for months, in just one afternoon. I don't think it's normal to talk about things so extensively either. If he was so sure it wouldn't work out, then it's extremely simple for him to cut me out of his life. His actions say he's interested, but his words don't agree.

 

So how do I get him to chill out and stop thinking about problems that aren't problems?

 

 

You can't. Right now he thinks that you two aren't good at communicating and he's convinced himself it won't work. You can't do much about what he's decided...

I'd take it as a sign, myself. He is attracted to you but right now he's withdrawing and no amount of convincing is going to make you seem like the mysterious woman that he can chase that men usually go for.

Don't emotionally attach yourself to this guy. He's not ready right now.

[annie24]

Deep down in my heart, I think he's freaked out.

A person doesn't change their mind about something they were so sure about for months, in just one afternoon. I don't think it's normal to talk about things so extensively either. If he was so sure it wouldn't work out, then it's extremely simple for him to cut me out of his life. His actions say he's interested, but his words don't agree.

 

So how do I get him to chill out and stop thinking about problems that aren't problems?

 

you can't do anything. he has to come to that conclusion by himself. like i said, playing the role of convincer is not working. you can show him graphs, charts, powerpoint presentations about why a relationship is possible, but if he doesn't feel it deep down, forget it.

 

i'd say start backing off, consider dating other men. perhaps if you get some distance, he'll either let you go, or he'll realize what he's missing out on. either way, you'll come out ahead.

[Jayar]

I agree 150% with Annie and Caterina. If he wanted to date you, he would be dating you. For whatever reason, if he wanted to be with you before, he does not anymore. I like how Annie puts it; you are in the role of convincer. Notice that he's not on here posting about how there's this great girl and he WANTS to be with her so bad, but he just can't wrap his head around these problems between them?

 

There is one course of action; move on, break contact. If he WANTS to be with you this will accelerate it. If he doesn't, you will get over him. There's no other course of action. Trying to convince him will erode any dignity you have left, and at BEST he might try and date you because, hey, why not? You're there and you're obviously interested. See where I am going with this? If you continue on the path you are on, at BEST you will be the "what the heck, let's give it a shot because you won't shut up anyway" girl.

[Weeblie]

Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

 

Caterina, Annie24 and Jayar, I don't believe conventional wisdom applies here. At one point someone has to be a convincer, man or woman. Someone has to let down their guard and make a fool of themselves. If I only get faced with more rejection, at least I know that I tried and I won't be left with the thought...if only I hadn't been so proud and defensive.

 

When we first talked about a relationship, things were awkward and he squashed all hope for a romantic relationship. If I had listened to the advice that I received then (which is similar to what I'm getting now), I would've done NC and this thread wouldn't even exist.

 

Instead, I told him how I felt and resolved to staying friends with him. Months later, he confessed to sabotaging things because he was afraid. I know he had ridiculous hopes for my last visit and I know he was trying real hard to impress me and was hurt because he thought I wasn't. I was too busy focusing on my own fears and hurts to notice how I was affecting him.

 

So yes, I know your advice of withdrawing is sound, but I want to make sure that I don't shut the door on him and only further convince him that he was right.

[annie24]

picture yourself in a position where there is a guy you like, and he is asking you out. maybe there are some difficulties, like he lives far away, or he is your superior at work or something of the nature.... if you really liked him and wanted to date him, wouldn't you figure out a way to say yes to him? figure out a way to make things work? of course you would.

 

what if you didn't like the guy that much? how would you react then? you'd probably waffle, make excuses, say that the relationship can't possibly work due to x, y, z......

 

put yourself in his shoes.

[Weeblie]

That's the problem. I would waffle.

I've done it before in the past with other guys that I was crazy about.

[annie24]

why would you do that?

[Weeblie]

Because I was always afraid of two things. That it'd work out and I'd get suffocated or that I'd fall for the guy and he'd hurt me really bad.

[Caterina]

You have to recognize that you can't control the variables...you are motivated to, and are angry that you're failing because so many elements seemed to work in your favor. No choice is easy in this and no choice is going to get you completely what you want. The best thing to do is to shut the door, but don't do it until you are ready.