Reluctantly starting NC again....im miserable

[giggle3474]

We've been broken up for 3 weeks and 3 days now. We went away for the weekend last weekend and It makes me ill to think about how happy I was at this time last weekend. I thought he was coming around. I thought he was giving consideration to how good we are together. Go away with me, have sex with me but no one told him he had to act like he was my boyfriend. No one said he had to put his hand on my knee at dinner and his arm around me and hold my hand and rub my belly when i wasn't feeling well and play with my hair and call me his girl.

 

I made the mistake of trying to go out last night and my friend I was with kept telling me to talk to guys. The thought of that made me sick and I ended up falling apart in the middle of the bar and running out in tears. I called HIM when I got home and we talked. He was calmer but still getting frustrated with me 'not listening'. He tells me he just wants some time to himself but can't tell me how long or what that means for our future. Im doing NC soley to give him time and space but because thats what I think will get him back. I feel disgusting about this. I don't want to not be his girlfriend. I want us to be together. I took down our photos today. . .

Im beside myslef with pain and rejection. And all I want to do it get him back.

[Clabs]

Hey giggle

 

So sorry hun - sending some ((((HUGS)))). I know that you had high hopes here but I think that all you can do is leave him completely alone for now.

 

I can see where your head is right now but if you do NC solely in the belief that this will get him back then you are setting yourself up to potentially drag out your pain and misery for a very long time.

 

At the end of the day, nobody knows what the future holds for us. Maybe he will come around and maybe he won't. Nobody knows. But what is true is that there is nothing you can do to get someone back - they have to make that decision for themselves.

 

Take things a day at a time for now - cry it out when you need to and be sad when you need to - but leave him completely alone. It may seem pretty bleak right now but it will get easier. Carry on working on you - being the best you can.

 

If he doesn't think you are the best thing since sliced bread and has such a tough time deciding if he wants a relationship with you or not should make you question what you had - do you still want to be involved with someone so flaky?

 

Take care of yourself and come back here often for support or if you want to contact him.

 

Mark

[GoldenHillGuy]

I wish you wouldn't have went to Vegas with him. You could've been a week past this stage right now. But, the past is done, and the best thing for you to do is just let him be.

 

I also have friends that told me to talk to other women. They'd even bring some over, telling them I was new to San Diego, or I was a pilot, or some crap like that. I absolutely HATED it. I was NOT INTERESTED in talking to women at all. Sometimes friends try to do what they think will help you out, when all you really want is a good ear to tug. I feel your pain, but you can be sure it gets much easier with time. If you need someone to talk to.....we're always here for you. I'm just down the 5 too. Take care of yourself. Hugs to you.

[amipushy]

I think sometimes you have to face reality. You have NO choice but to treat this as it's over. YOU HAVE TO. The sooner you get up off the emotional floor and make baby steps back into life, the better. You need to be strong now, to be ready for whatever comes next.

 

Nobody said it was easy but it beats holding in whats inside for fear of being comsumed by it. Let go of everything, the hope, the pain and the sorrow and you will become yourself much sooner and be the person you once was before this all happened. Let go of him and set yourself free.

[Maclauren]

You're doing the right thing for now sister. Best thing to do is give that time and space and he'll realize he misses you. For now I would suggest trying to pull yourself together and go out have some fun. Even if you're faking it, try to "appear" your O.K. without him. He will start seeing what he had and the fact that he sees you're O.K. without him can kickstart his brain into that whole psychological card trick where we want what we can't have.

 

It might even start to bother him as well that you're seemingly O.K. but the important thing is just try to breath and get your head on tight... then go out and have some fun even if you have to pretend.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Giggle, this is why we all warned you, because the problem has been all along that he wants lots of space and is not sure he wants a girlfriend. You both agreed to go away for the weekend and have fun, but he didn't agree before, during or after to have that mean you were back together... YOU wanted that, but he never said he did, so you assumed a lot there.

 

He seems to be fine with those kind of happy 'as if' weekends, but doesn't want a girlfriend all the time. By 'as if', i mean he gets all the benefits of having you around as if you were his girlfriend, but he wants no commitment or responsibility to you. He has reinforced that again and again with you. I know you want to be his girlfriend, but if he doesn't want a steady girlfriend, that is a big problem you can't solve on your own.

 

I think the best chance you have is to go no contact with him, and to never see him again unless he calls and says he really misses you and wants you as his girlfriend. You already know you have fun togeter, but having fun together doesn't seem to be enough in his head to make that commitment. Perhaps if he misses you enough it might what he needs, but if you are willing to play the girlfriend role without that commitment, he has no stimulus to change how things are.

 

So i think you need to totally back off. He knows how you feel, and he is promising nothing. So you owe him nothing, and should just get on with your life. If he changes his mind, he has your number.

 

But don't fall for any more of these get togethers where you act like a girlfriend and he waltzes off again. It is breaking your heart, and I think you've done this enough now to recognize it doesn't move anything forward. The ball's in his court now, so you have to walk away until you hear otherwise from him.

[giggle3474]

Well you know what they say, hindsight is 20/20. Although Im not sure that I would have chosen not to go even knowing how I would feel. I just feel like there is no way that he could have acted that way towards me without having feelings behind it. Not that I necessarily thought he would change his mind but that he would at least open his mind to talking about what kinds of things we could do to avoid this happening again. How could we make it so that he is more comfortable but I still feel secure. How can we avoid him just taking off when he gets fearful or doubtful. I wasn't expecting a full reconciliation but I wasnt expecting everything I got, either.

 

He seems to focus a lot on the timing of this. He'll say ,"Kayla it's only been a week, maybe we can talk about it in a month." And like I said, it's been 3 weeks, 3 days. I wish I could get inside his head and just for a moment see what he was feeling. This is so difficult for me because I just don't understand why. Why do you walk away from a relationship that has been so great to you, best you've ever had. Your still attracted to the person, you still can share your secrets, you still trust them, you still enjoy their company, etc. I would understand more if we fought all the time or had other issues but its just so not like that at all. And because I don't feel the same way, I just don't, can't or won't get it???

 

I am unwilling to play the g/f role without commitment. I will not be downgraded. It's all or nothing and that is my bottom line and I will not stray from that or settle for less. Because I know that anything less would hurt me.

 

I wish I knew how much time would be enough time. When is it safe to go back and assess the situation again? BeStrongBeHappy, you may remember that I said after the weekend that I just felt so content with the situation. Like I knew it would work out. But after Thursday, I have lost that entirely.

 

Right now, my plan is to go for 2 weeks NC and then give him a call. By that time it will have been over a month since our break up. And I have NEVER gone that long without seeing or speaking to him. I won't suggest getting back together but possibly having him attend counseling with me to ge to the root of these problems and work on it from there.

 

I know people tell me to just forget it and if he comes around, he comes around. But if anyone has ever been there, it's not that simple. Maybe I will look at it like it's a choice IM making. I need the time to work on myself, I need the space to discover other interests. I need the space so that my life, my happiness is not totally consumed or made by the goings on of this relationship.

 

Anyone know how to raise your self esteem and confidence??

 

TY

[yankeefan74]

I can tell you that my ex girlfriend will still tell anyone that asks that she still loves me, still finds me very attractive, loves to spend time with me, trusts me more than anyone else in the world, and yet doesn't want to be romantically involved with me right now.

 

Trying to figure out why that's the case -- those are answers you're never going to get. They really don't know why either. You'll never figure it out, and if you hold on to those little crumbs they throw your way, you'll never heal either.

 

My advice would be not to plan on calling him in 2 weeks. That's not enough time...every time you contact him, and he pushes you away...you're not only going to be back at square one emotionally, you're going to re-start the clock in his head. So if you called him in two weeks...it doesn't matter how long you've been broken up, he's asked for space and you've been trying to get him back the entire time.

 

you have to accept that someone can love you, find you attractive, enjoy spending time with you, etc., but not want to be in a relationship with you. Do not attempt to contact him at all.

 

As far as raising your self-esteem and confidence...one of the easiest things to do is look at yourself in the mirror and smile. Sounds dumb but it works. Also, at some point, you'll come to realize that what happened isn't about you. Everyone has flaws, and there are things we all do that aren't great for our relationship...you can figure them out and try to improve them, but making sure you're not accepting all of the blame is a good way to prevent beating yourself up too much.

 

I know first hand that accepting someone could feel all those things for you and still not want to be with you is a seriously TOUGH thing to get through - you think the relationship ended because they don't love you, or care about you anymore...so, if they obviously do, then why wouldn't the two of you still be together? But it doesn't always work that way.

 

I am struggling with the same issues myself. It's not easy. I'm not currently winning my own battle against these things, but I also haven't taken my own advice about NC or LC. My ex still calls me 4-5 times a day. Whether i answer or not, it doesn't help. Because it just makes you think "Well, obviously she still wants to talk to me...hear my voice, etc."

 

I'm thinking of you though. It helps to know someone else is hurting in the same way. Not that i want either one of us to be hurting, or anyone else dealing with similar issues. It just helps knowing others are out there. I'm not the only one going through these exact issues. Please do what you can to take care of your heart right now...if he's not interested in being your boyfriend, plenty of other good guys will in the future if you do what you need to for you right now. Allow yourself to hurt. Feel everything we're supposed to feel. Lean on friends, family...and the people here.