Has anyone ever dated a true commitmentphobe?

[jammer180]

I think I'm with one now... I guess what I want to know is, does it ever change? And I don't mean just some guy/girl that said I'm not looking for a relationship when you got together with him/her and then it didn't work out and you wonder why... I mean an actual commitmentphobe that fits every symptom of a commitmentphobe wherever you read up about it. Did you find that it was on again off again? Did he/she push you to break up becuase they couldn't commit to even doing that? Did you break up and then find out they got engaged to the next person they got with and are now happily married and you wonder how they suddenly changed?

 

Any input would be great! I'm having a super difficult time. I guess I just don't want to walk away and watch my bf be all commited and happy with the next girl and then wonder forever what was wrong with me... or if this is really how he's going to be with every girl after me for the rest of his life... or if there is anything that I can do to change him... maybe not even for me.. for himself for the future? I don't know how to walk away becuase I keep thinking there is a chance that things will change ....

[annie24]

link removed you should check this website out. we had this author give some advice on ena a while back.

[D_Lish]

I was with someone for nine years who I'd thought was a *committmentphobe*. When we first met, the relationship had been an exclusive one for a year....when the year was over, it became an on/off relationship.

 

I invested nine years of my life into this guy and I didn't walk away and hung on for so long, because I kept thinking he'd change, that he'd come to realise, I was the one he wanted to be with.

 

Eventually and after nine years, I'd thought *enough is enough* and I ended it. Told him that I saw no future for us, if he wasn't willing to committ...

 

A year later, he was married with a child!

[beentheredonetha]

I was with someone like that a year ago. we were in an on again off again relationship. i did everything i could to make it work, he said that too. in fact he said i was doing more in the relationship because i wanted to walk guiltfree when it ends one day (it ended 5 times and we kept getting back together). now, after months of NC, we are finally friends. he still says he is very attracted to me and loves me, but he can't be in a relationship with me or anyone. i have truly moved on so these conversations do not leave me wanting or hurting.

together we finally figured out that in spite of everything, he is still in love with his ex wife from 7 years ago. while he does not want to get back together with her ever again, he does not think he is capable of giving himself unconditionally to anyone or even put in the effort required to make it work. he craves companionship but he can't stay loyal to anyone. and thats just the way he is in a psychological sense.

[Hollyj]

Wow, this sounds like my situation to a tee. Except, he says he loves her but is not in love with her. HMMMMMMMMM

 

Does he say why he won't move on if he has no intention of returning to the ex???? Is he afraid of getting hurt again and is uncapable of removing the emotional walls? Does he go from one short-term relationship (month) to another? Lastly, why won't he get therapy, it must get very lonely?

[beentheredonetha]

Wow, this sounds like my situation to a tee. Except, he says he loves her but is not in love with her. HMMMMMMMMM

 

Does he say why he won't move on if he has no intention of returning to the ex???? Is he afraid of getting hurt again and is uncapable of removing the emotional walls-why does he choose not to move on? Does he go from one short-term relationship (month) to another? Lastly, why won't he get therapy, it must get very lonely?

 

 

he says the same too, he says she is more like family that he can't get rid of and he still loves her and probably will never love anyone the way he loved her.

He cites his childhood for all this. It was hard for him and he is afraid to take chances. You are absolutely correct about the short term relationships, since his divorce, besides me i don't think he saw anyone for a long period. and technically, if you look at it, even me he saw for a couple of months each time and i would break up with him and we would get back together.

now he says i was his gf for over 2 years, but the moment things started getting serious he would keep backing out. i feel terrible when i think about how he is not able to love someone completely, he says maybe thats his mental makeup.

I don't think he has ever considered therapy, and frankly, until i read what you said, i did not think about it either. he seems so well settled in every other aspect of his life. maybe i will bring it up with him and see how he feels about it. i really want him to be able to move on and find all the happiness people have. he gets lonely thats why he kept getting back together with me, making promises that he felt he could keep but obviously cannot.

[Hollyj]

I feel like I'm reading my own story.

 

Re. the relationships I was also the longest. I was also the only to meet his friends and spend time in his home. Did your relationship start out super-intense-his strong pursuit- with the I love yous' and relationship talk? I did not reciprocate his feelings until several months later, as soon as he knew I was hooked, he changed. We split shortly thereafter.

 

He made contact two-months later and I said I wanted to be platonic friends. He started again with the feelings, as soon as I reciprocated these feelings, he changed. I see this is the same for you. Gee, I wonder if it's the same person?

 

This one is also well established, well liked, and a seemingly happy individual. he says he wants a relationship but is not letting people in, as yours. From what I've learned is these people are scared to let new people into their kives for fear of being hurt, that's where the excuses-all the excuses-come in.

 

I mean honestly, how can someone be happy going from one person to another. Did he say he was happy with this lifestyle??? One last thing. these people have to know how selfish and destructive this behavior is, does he know the damge he has done?

[jammer180]

mine is just like what you all say! saying how he wants a relationship and how he'd like to be in love and talk about moving in and a future.. he even talks about how many kids he wants and how he wants to be financially stable to support a family and doesn't mind if his wife to be doesn't make a ton becuase he will be sure to make lots for all of them.

 

this is our third time trying, first time we've had a real chance, and i just feel like he doesn't let me in. refuses to talk about serious things, says he's no good at communication especially in relationships and he knows it's a problem but doesn't know why and that it will take him time to be better at it. But when we talked last week about our feelings FINALLY he was ready and willing to and actually said he felt closer to me from just talking about it! So I just don't get it... we had that major breakthrough, yet we are now on a break becuase he said he needs to give himself a chance to miss me and sort through his feelings when he can't see me or talk to me if he wants to... hence the break or time off that he wants right now. It's silly though becuase I spoke to him a few days ago and he's so far spent his break busy almost 15 hours of each day, purposly MAKING himself so busy so that I don't even think he's had a chance to think about us or miss me. It's almost as if he got scared of his feelings and thought NO this can't be love I must be wrong, let me see if not seeing her will make me miss her and if I do it must be love. Then forced himself to be so busy that he CAN'T think about me or miss me, so he can say at the end of the few weeks well I have a full life and I didn't miss you so this must not be meant to be.... like give me a break! How can he not even see he's doing this?

 

Has anyone ever dated a commitmentphobe that it's worked out with? D Lish, your ex that was with someone and with a child in a year, is he still with her? Is he happy? Or is he doing the same thing to her now too? It all just seems so strange to me and yes, don't they get lonely? I guess not if they are constantly having people in their lifes and get caught up in the i love yous and the pursuit over and over, then I guess they are never really alone ... it's sad.

[Hollyj]

But they are alone if they can't let anyone in. I think we're the lucky ones!!!!!

[jasper01]

I guess I just don't want to walk away and watch my bf be all commited and happy with the next girl and then wonder forever what was wrong with me...

 

They can change, but not easily and usually not at all. It's a long term process (think 5-20 years of therapy). He will indeed hook up with someone else after you, and may believe he will stay with them permanently, but the maximum length of the relationship will be 2-3 years. If you are looking for something longer term, move on. Alternatively, stay with him and see what happens if you feel strong enough. Most likely if you do this he will have his final freakout at some point and dump you unexpectedly. Nothing wrong with you, though maybe you have feelings sometimes like there might be something wrong with you. That might be something you want to explore. People who have that feeling from their childhood experiences may become attracted to a person with a problem with commitment. When the final breakup happens it will all come up, which is the reason for the attraction.

[ostendaise]

Well, I think I might be a commintmentphobe!!

But I think it's mainly due to the fact that I'm in such a deep process of self development (therapy,in other words) that I just can't afford to have someone there, stopping/slowing my progress. It might sound utterly selfish, but I feel that I'm only able to make the necessary progress alone. It is a very personal journey and if the person accompanying me, isn't even able to acknowledge that... then I have to go it alone.

So, maybe I'm proud to be a commitmentphobe... at least, for the time being!

[jammer180]

Yes sounds just like mine! The first time we were together he was moving away in two months to the other side of the world, so we knew it was casual, but he was soooo into it. Feelings came out of both of us right before he left, but then he was gone. A few days later he was emailing saying he hated it there and missed me and wanted to come back. We talked for a week and I finally said I can't do this, if you come back tell me if not I have to say goodbye this is too hard. He came back a few weeks later but in the meantime we talked on msn and he talked about marriage and babies and a house and a future. Once he got back we tried to be together but he had to start his life over so he was living at his parents outside the city with no car and no job and was VERY depressed. He cares too much what others think of him and was ashamed at leaving and coming home. His depression was hard to deal with but I stuck it out, he pulled me in again and I said I love you, then he started pushing me away and hanging out with friends more than me and it ended, I got frustrated and ended it.

 

2 months later i initiated contact because i missed him so much and was trying to be understanding that he maybe just needed time... we started talking we started hanging out and he pulled me in again with the feelings and the sweetnes and how much he wanted and was ready for a relationship with me now that his life was back togehter. I tried to take it slow because i learned from last time that he seemed a bit afraid of commitment. as soon as he found out how i felt again, he pushed away again... now, because i assumed he was a commitmentphobe, i wasnt going to let him push me to end it. i wanted him to do it if he wanted it to be over. and you know, it was the hardest breakup ever. he said he wasnt sure he could ever say i love you to me and that he wanted time to think and wanted to see if he was crazy for thinking that, i said do you want to break up? he said no i dont know maybe its not hte right decision i need time. so we agreed on a week. after the week we talked and he asked for more time! after i told him that if he wants to take a real break that we will be broken up as i do not believe in breaks. he still asked for more time, probably hoping i would end it... i got so frustrated i had to say you think im not even worth a shot so i cant wait for you... he kept saying the whole time maybe this is wrong, i dont know, i just need more time, i want to see if im going to miss you, if i do ill let you know but right now i cant be in this becuase im not sure but i still think it might be a mistake.... totally cannot make a decision.. he even admitted it in our talk. he said you know i cant make a decision about anything especially big things... so now he can go to just never speaking to me ever again unless he comes to some realization that he misses me?? how can someone do that. he said he liked everything about our relationship he just wasnt sure we are meant to be togehter. we were only back together for 2 months!!! and yes, things changed as soon as he found out how i felt about him. does that make him a commitmentphobe? he said hes ready to have a relationship and wants to be in love with someone within the first few months and thinks if we have to wait as long as this (we've known eachother a year) that maybe its never going to happen... so he says he wants to be in love and wants to have a relationship... but i still think hes a commitmentphobe. sorry if this was long. we just broke up 2 days ago and im totally distraught!

[BeStrongBeHappy]

i think you are trying to put a 'name' to what is wrong with him, but it could be immaturity, or selfishness, or just no real desire to settle down at this point in his life, or he just doesn't feel the spark he thinks he needs to commit.

 

But the reality is he wasn't giving you what you needed, and you need to try to think more about YOU than think about him and analyze him.

 

What if he is a commitmentphobe? The end result is the same, that you'll be broken up.

 

And if he's not a commitmentphobe, then it is one of the other reasons I listed above, but all roads lead to you're still broken up.

 

And for a relationship that's only gone on for as long as yours did, it shouldn't be that hard or have that much up and down and conflicts. Very dramatic, but not fulfilling.

 

So try to accept that regardless of the reason for his behavior, it just wasn't a stable relationship, and you don't want a partner that you have to drag kicking and screaming into the relationship. You want someone who is just happy and content to be with you, and likes the normal time, not all that thrashing around. You deserve peace and love, not chaos and anxiety. Remind yourself of that every day and it will get easier.

[jammer180]

Thank you... you are absolutly right... I know I deserve better. A few days now since the breakup and I'm a rollercoaster of emotions.. mostly anger though. I want to contact him and tell him what a fool I was to tell him that I could wait a week or two, and that with a couple days to think about it I realize that he is not worth my time becuase of his hurtful words and selfish actions... but I feel like it's not the best idea. I'm just so angry, at him, at myself, at the whole situation. UGH.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Good! Anger is a positive step on the path you need to follow to get over him.

 

But you're right, it usually isn't good to contact him and blast him. That doesn't really change anything, and he most likely will be confused by the blast as you're the one who told him he had time to think about it. It is very normal for you to feel conflicted and angry at this point, so try to express that anger in positive ways, like exercise, or using it to fuel the energy to get out and do things to build a future for yourself.