He's been silent....

[Rochelle]

So here I am again folks....it's been awhile...and yes, I could use some advice.

 

When we first got together, he was wonderful, very caring, sent me sweet songs that reminded him of me...already ready to marry me practically....

 

I was very scared, having just gotten out of a bad relationship myself about 7 months earlier, wanting only to date really, and then we got serious.

 

He was going thru some things...i should have known how he was really, becuase on our first date he spent most of the time talking negatively about his life, his ex wife, his job....everything. I even felt like wow I don't think this guy is for me. I try to see things very positively, that everything will be ok but you have to work for it....blah blah blah....anyway...

 

So a few months after we were together I noticed things started changing, other then the usual negativity, which he and now I was noticing his family, had alot of. I'm very cheery and see the brighter side of things, and tried to help him see this too, but he felt he was just more logical and I was more impulsive.

 

At any rate, this was our "honeymoon" phase and while I was trying to show him more of my love, in words, ex: I would say I'd do anything and go anywhere if i knew i had his love....his response was that he might not be "emotional" enough for me and he didn't want me to "settle" for him if that was the case. He said that I should understand that he doesn't "miss" people, or attach to people...when people die,etc he doesn't get over emotional...he just doesn't feel that way,and doesn't know if it has to do w/ his past or what but that's how he is, he said. I was sooo hurt. He went from wanting to marry me to wanting to take it one day at a time.

 

I found myself being more laid back after this, saying to myself whatever happens happens, i can't force him to want to be w/ me or show me more emotion/love. Even though, remember, this is what he promised and swore he was like when we first were getting together. He seemed to respond better to this...and we kept things jokey and light. But in my heart, I still felt like this wasn't what it was supposed to be...as long as I kept it light and easy, didnt come to him w/ any issues or point out that all I wanted was for him to atleast meet me half way, or just occasionally do something nice or small....he was fine....everything ran smoothly. I felt like i was losing myself in this and he was taking more and more advantage. He'd done a few insensitive things along the way as well, but i won't get into all that....just want to get to the point really now....

 

At anyrate, we'd been living together and i'd finally worked up the nerve to ask him ,as we have to move soon out of this house, if i was looking for a place for one or two (something that if youre relationship was secure, you wouldn't need to ask...if that tells you anything). He said he didn't know. He started crying and hugging me, saying he is so confused about what he wants and how can he feel this way at his age (37)....how can he not be ready to settle and want a family and said maybe it was becuase he was soo responsible when he was younger, marrying young and doing the grown up thing for soo long,that he'd never had a youth...he also said that i deserve all those good things, that i'm an incredible girl....

 

I said so what now and he said well it's not like i'm leaving tomorrow (we still have a few months in this house we're in). I said that that's not how I work, that if we are not an "us" anymore then I needed to be away from him, not living w/ him as if everything was normal....crying and feeling horrible...he seemed shocked at this. His sis flew in for the weekend becuase they are having an older family member passing on, and she stayed w/ us. So all weekend I had to hide my devistation....he totally acted different. Was all playful, and teasing me, wrestling w/ me, kissing on me....everything he'd been doing, as if the convo never happened. But he never took anything back, never said he made a mistake, so i still took it that we weren't an us anymore. I cried in our room everynight while he hung out w/ his sister. He came in and saw me and i sent him away....he came back later to check on me again and i was short w/ him.

 

All along he'd been following me around all weeknd, checking on me....and i was quite. His sis had no idea what was going on. I kept it that way.

 

While we talking over dinner one of the night his sis brought up taking inventory of one's life and how she's been retrospective lately and i said i was too...he came in on the tail end of that and wanted to know what i'd said....i told him and he said he knew he wanted to be a kid again...that's his retrospective feelings lately.

 

He came to me later that night and asked me what was up w/my crying last night....asked if hed' done something wrong (!?, ok). I told him i'd been stressed lately and he said he hadn't meant to make me stressed. Then he wanted me to take a shower w/ him...he hung out w/ me most of that night...flirting and playing w/ me...this was killing me agian....not making me feel better. Each night he would wrap himself around me before we fell asleep. Every morning before he left all wknd he'd kiss me goodbye and ask me if he'd see me later....this was unusual, as he wasn't in the habit of asking if he'd see me later....

 

The morning he took his sis to the airport, and then he was off to work, i took the day to pack some things and move out. The house is mine but i wrote him a long email that said he could have it for a few weeks to get some checks together and get an aprt. I even laid out a few aprts that were running specials and were cheap monthly. I have friends to stay w/ during this time and he doesn't...he moved here from another city to be w/ me.

 

The email was full of kind things, those matter of fact. I told him that I couldn't be around him knowing we are not an "us" anymore, knowing that he needs to go out there and find out who he is and what he really needs and if it's being a kid agian, then that's ok. I told him i'd always have a special place for him in my heart and that i was sad for all the things we won't be doing together anymore. It was firm, but nice.

 

This was 5 days ago. he has not responded, nothing. NOt even to cuss me out, nor to thank me, nada! My roomies, who i emailed asking if they'd seen him the night he woudl have gotten home and seen the email, said they saw him when they got in. That he was reading an email and his head was down and his shoulders heaving...he looked like he was crying. They also said the nights following that he'd not spoken much to them at all except at one point to ask them about their new aprt. they are moving into this weekend. Other then that, they hadn't seen him much thru the evening.

 

I'm just baffled as to why he would say nothing at all to me...i don't expect a declaration of anything, but nothing at all?!

 

Anyone have any insight on why he might have done this...?? I"m truly at a loss....

[bellanicola003]

Hi, I think that he's actually just taking some time to see what he wants truly out of his life. You said yourself that he wants to be a kid again...that's quite alright - wouldn't we all!? But...he could experience those things with you right? There is TRULY nothing that keeps me from thinking that he cares about you and loves you deeply...nothing at all! So at least you have that on your side.

 

I think that you handled yourself with respect and courage. You can't be around him right now...you can't live that way. It's not fair...you know it, I know it, heck...even he knows it! That's why he kept asking IF he would see you later. I think he is just going through sort of a midlife crisis and just needs some time.

 

Leave him alone though and just know that he is hurting too. Maybe you guys can get together to talk another time in the future, but for now...let him see how much being a child again feels (that's not meant to be rude). It may not be all that great without you and your love there!

[DN]

Well, I think moving out while he was not there is a very low blow. Imagine coming home, even though you know things are very rocky, to find your partner has packed up and left.

 

So now, added to his own confusion about what he wants, is an anger about the way that you left him. And no matter how 'kind' your e-mail seemed to you - I doubt very much that he looked upon it in the same way. These are things you should have told him to his face.

 

So that is probably why he hasn't responded. After all, what is there for him to say other than "OK"?

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Those kind of discussions are best handled in person, not an email. Emails give you an opportunity to dump all your feelings and thoughts, but they are a monologue, not a dialogue. So you dropped an 'i'm moving out' bomb without giving him time to discuss it with you.

 

When he had the original talk with you, he might have just been discussing some anxieties he had, but didn't mean to make it a breakup talk. You went straight from 0 to 60 on the breakup in about a minute. That isn't about negotiating or talking it out, it is about being really upset and angry with him and making a dramatic exit. Dramatic exits don't resolve anything, and increase the tension and miscommunication.

 

So what do you want? Do you want to be with him? If so, i suggest you call him and go speak to him in person to talk this out and find out if he seriously wanted to break up, or was just talking about some anxieties that he has. Plenty of people go thru a stage where they are scared and not sure they want to marry, but most will get past that with some support. You didn't give him support, you kicked the props right out from under him.

[Rochelle]

I understand what you are all saying, however, he has done this to me before.

 

In the last 4 months, he has said things like "I don't know if I"m enough for you emotionally" and that maybe we should just take the relationship one day at a time...which floored me because this was someone that said he'd wanted to marry me w/in a couple months of our dating.

 

It seemed like once he moved in, and I started noticing that everything he said he was about and all the things we agreed on that would make a strong relationship, were now out the window. He started telling me that he never promised it would be easy to live w/him, that if I wasn't happy then maybe I should find someone that wold make me happy...it was all about him not trying now...he floored me w/ how much he'd change from his supposed beliefs of what makes a relationship work to oh well, take it or leave it.

 

So for months now, I'd been walking on egg shells, no longer asserting myself becuase I feared he'd give me the "well if you don't like it..." talk again.

 

I was not a demanding g/f at all either...i was very laid back and we did all the things he found interesting...during this time he was also insensitive to alot of things, whether how he talked to me or treated me....I was really sad for most of the last few months but hid it from him because i kept hoping in time, he would see how good i was being, laid back and how well i took care of things. I know this wasn't healthy, i'm aware of that.

 

My point is, when he had this talk w/ me last week about being confused about what he wanted, and how breaking up never gets easier as you get older and that I deserved to be w/ someone that would give me all the things I wanted...and he wasn't ready to settle down....I mean, why wouldnt I have believed this was the end?? We both cried and held eachother...he even said, now I have to figure out what to do next....I had every reason to believe this was it.

 

But after all this, thru the weekend, while his sister was visiting and I stuck around for that, he acted as if we were fine...he saw me crying at night several times and wanted to know what was wrong...but how he could wonder what was wrong was beyond me! Then by Mon night he'd come to me and said it wasn't his intention of stressing me out, but there was no reassurance he wanted to not do this or think about this...he saw the pain i was in.

 

So when I left Tues and left him the note about giving him MY house for a few weeks so he could find a place to live, and that I felt he would find what he was looking for and that I would always have a special place for him in my heart, it was not w/ malice or w/ intent that he could not have his say.

 

He has his say earlier in the week, he has his chance to say something all weekend when i was hurting....

 

So now what, you tell me I left him w/out a chance to speak his mind, maybe I jumped the gun on this? How...he could get a hold of me easily...but he hasn't talked to me, said boo to me since I left Tues....

 

I wrote him yesterday to say how sorry i was...even tho this is what HE wanted...to break up...but yet I said sorry and that I am hurting and am very scared and sad...and that it was not my intent not to give him a say in what was happening but that i thought it would spare each of us further emotional outbursts...

 

he has not responded to this either....

 

He has anger issues...and I've known that in the past when he's been so angry, overwhelmed and so on, he has shut down and become intolerable to work with, and hardly spoke to anyone outside of work either...including his family. In fact just before we started dating, his family had said to him they were worried about him there for awhile and he admitted he was dealing w/ some stuff....he says he can just shut down and isolate when he's upset/angry about things...

 

Could this be what he's doing...I can't imagine, and someone tell me if i'm wrong, that he's soooo furious w/ me, even tho he wanted to break up, that he won't talk to me, show the slightest sympathy for what I might be feeling after we both cried like we did last week and he has been the one all these months that wasn't sure about the relationship or what he wanted out of life?

 

what could he be thinking....feeling....does anyone else just shut down when they get upset/angry/overwhelmed....is it easier for him to blame me for leaving??

[bellanicola003]

I think it is easy for him to blame you because you moved out on him behind his back - not that I agree or disagree with that because one would have to be in that situation to make that decision. But if you look at it on his side...do you think he was just saying those things because he was confused and scared about the future...or maybe trying to control you by seeing where you were in your feelings? Some people do that - make up stories, fib a bit about something to see where someone stands and it's not right, but if so...by you leaving...you called his bluff and now he's mad.

 

It just seems to me that his feelings are all over the place - do you think he may need some psychological help or be put on some type of meds? I mean, not being mean, but someone who is in a normal state of mind, does not have these feelings, then those feelings, than those feelings...that's the sign of an unstable person. And not to say that he doesn't love you, but maybe he thinks too much about it and he can't control his emotions.

 

It's sad to say that for right now, you're just going to have to let him go - there's not much more you can do because you've tried. You did what you thought was right at the time - leaving, and maybe you still agree with it and maybe you don't. You will definitely get different views on it here, which is why this site is great! But, you made your decision out of hurt and anger and that's exactly what he's doing right now - not contacting you back out of hurt and anger.

 

I hope it works out though, but if it does, I would get him some help. Feelings should definitely not be everywhere. A commitphobe is one thing...they like it the way it is...but their feelings (I don't think) change drastically each day. I would look up symptoms of manic depression/bipolar and see if he fits the bill...if not...he just may be depressed.

[Rochelle]

I took evryone's advice and I had emailed him yesterday to say that I was sorry for how things turned out but that I really thought I was doing the best thing for us both....to spare us both.

 

He never wrote back and today I decided to text him.

 

I wrote:

 

Im sorry to b weak but i wanna see u, be held one last time. i only did wat i thought was right fo rus both. Plse lets not end like this...

 

He wrote back:

 

Ur not weak, When?

 

I wrote:

 

When is good for you?

 

He wrote:

 

U can come when u want

 

I wrote:

 

5pm would be better

 

He wrote:

 

Ok cya soon

 

I feel relieved but very weak and w/out hope of anything more then the chance to have him hold me and cry, whether just me, or both of us.

 

I guess I'm glad he finally spoke to me and not only that he was open to not letting it end like this...

 

Any thoughts...?

[npc24]

long story

[kuhl282000]

Your story was exactly like mine .....

 

You may have another chance be grateful for it ......