Weird situation

[Takotsubo]

Hi all,

 

I'm in a bind right now. So my soon to be ex gf and I have been together for 10 years, engaged for the past 2. She broke it off in March, saying she wasn't sure what she wanted anymore, and her desire to explore was too great. We met when she was 20 and I was 32, so we did a lot of growing up together. The question is: What am I like w/o this person?

 

Background: after our break up, we seemed to work things out and hit it off better than ever. She went to Europe for 6 weeks (quit her job so she could start school) and ended up traveling with a guy. I didn't have any problem with this, but everybody else seemed to. Well, turns out they were right. While she didn't cheat on him with me likely because she was in a relationship. Had she wanted to do something and really live in the moment, she could have. This was an eye opener for her (her own admittance) that there was a lot she wanted to explore and feel and perhaps our relationship was holding her back.

 

When she returned from 3 days ago, things were strange. I missed her but her actions were distant. She ended up sleep talking and said "I like you, but I have a bf." I confronted her about it in the morning and she said it was true, but nothing happened. I went deeper into it and she admitted he had hit on her even though he had a gf. I actually started laughing and felt sorry for the poor guy because here he was, invited to a 1 month trip to europe, alone with another girl, and she doesn't even let him touch her. Must be confusing.

 

Anyways, it ate me up that someone could disrepect our relationship like that. While there were no real "boundaries" for this trip, there should have been one for my self worth. In the past nights, she grew cold, but did conflicting actions such as hug me.

 

I made up my mind at 5am to initiate a break up. She actually was awake and wanted to talk about it. So I told her she was free to live her life. Go explore the world. Maybe we can talk about it in a few years.

 

If it were only so easy... We have our social lives intertwined, bank accounts, health insurance, and joint bills. her name is on the lease of the apt.

 

Basically, she's starting grad school in another state in the middle of next month. She is staying in the apartment for the time being (for two more weeks before she moves)... in what used to be our room. It feels cold but I can't just kick her to the curb because her birthday is coming up and I am supposed to drive with her accross the country. I'm not even sure I can do that.

 

Well, after a long talk today, I told her that if I am let her stay here, we should at least try to get along and be best friends again. Let's take each day until she goes, as the best day so I can make it an amicable split.

 

We even had a vacation planned to the carib at the end of the month. I'm not even sure I can do this with a straight face.

 

I'm really conflicted on what to do. This is painful for both of us. I would honestly like her either completely gone out of my life (not easy to do with one cut), or for her to at least spend time with me to be happy and cherish the things we're going to give up.

 

Obviously, she wants to be friends, but I told her there may be a healing period for me and I would need time to myself. We have a wedding to attend in Oct, so there are times we will most likely see each other.

 

I'm so confused, but I want this to end civily.

[Kahdeksan]

Firstly allow me to commend you for not kicking her out, you have HEART! Secondly, while it is difficult to be around each other for two weeks until she leaves for her grad studies, you two seem to be doing ok at the moment...

 

Nothing hostile or such...

 

So I think it'll be less straining to issue the NC policy here than compared to some relationships. There is an understanding between the two of you, and going NC from the time she leaves till October should give you a better gauge on what to do and how to react when the two of you bump into each other again.

 

As for the 'friends' thing she wants, be firm with her that you NEED your time, alone...