Wow.

[Bool Prop]

So, my boyfriend decided to call it quits yesterday. He said he loves me but can't deal with a long-distance relationship.

 

Well, he's been dealing perfectly fine for the last two years. I guess I've just lost a little of my long-term appeal, haha.

 

I wouldn't be so upset if he'd told me he hated me. But he loves me and he isn't even willing to try a little harder? He's even told his good friend that he thinks I'm perfect and doesn't what to hurt me, so where's all this * * * * coming from? There are things we could both be doing to make the relationship better. I'm willing to do anything. He's just set that it isn't going to work and slaps me with "sorry" when I suggest things. I don't know what to do. I'm confused, I'm furious, I'm deeply hurt and I feel betrayed and discarded. I've been alternating between crying and fuming all day and I just feel really lonely and dejected. I don't know if I should cut off all ties with him or keep trying to convince him that we're worth it.

 

It feels like I've lost my best friend as well as my boyfriend. We'd known each other for a long time before we got together and always, always got along great. But how the hell does he expect us to go back to being friends? How am I supposed to just accept some stupid relationship demotion, knowing we both feel more than that, but ONE of us isn't strong enough to face it? I'd rather pound him, to be honest, but I suppose that's one of the aspects of a long-distance relationship he's busy lamenting. This guy's been the focal point of my life for years now. I've made it through some rough spots with his help. It's because of him that I try to be the best person I can be, do my best with whatever I do, because it's comforting to know that I'm loved and valued. And now he wants to break it off so suddenly.

 

I've been taking comfort in the fact that he still loves me. I've been telling myself that there's a chance he'll change his mind, because I know it can work if we both work like we've been working throughout the majority of the relationship. But then I think about what he said again, and it sounded definitive, and I get confused and angry and hurt all over again.

 

He's the best person I could have asked for. I love him so much, and I was close to begging like some degenerate idiot throughout the entire conversation. I don't want to lose him, and I know that if it ends here, I'll lose him, as a boyfriend and a friend - even if he denies it. Even if we were to become friends after this, I'd constantly be analyzing his words for some hint of an I-Want-You-Back. This would always be on my mind. I would not associate him with happy things, and that frightens me. He's the happiest thing in my life. I've considered telling him this, but I realized it would sound more like a threat than anything else. I'll probably tell him anyway, as I'm past the point of caring about sounding like a crazy girlfriend (crazy ex?).

 

So what the hell am I supposed to do?

[fastball2113]

move to where he is?

[Bool Prop]

I'd love to, but it isn't really an option at the moment.

 

He plans (planned?) to move here once he finishes university, and that's what we were aiming for.

[Kahdeksan]

Hi, Bool Prop, I'm terribly, terribly sorry to hear of your circumstance... god knows we're all going through these heart aches, me included.

 

He seems DEAD SET on going ahead without you... Your best bet is to sit this one out, he's moving on and you should accept that. No amount of pursuing on your part is going to win him back, in fact it'll do the exact opposite and drive him away.

 

You see, if you keep on pursuing him, he'll soon put you on his "back pocket back-up list", which he could then gain benefits from because he'd know how desperate and willing you are to be back with him. Don't allow this happen to YOU! You're worth more than that, right?

 

I know how HARD that is to take, but listen, the sooner you learn to let go, the sooner you can work on recovering and healing from this hurt. Work healing your wounds and focusing on yourself. Show him what he's missing out on, show him that you do NOT NEED him to be happy.

 

Only stay as friends when you're completely over him, if you choose to by then.

 

Stand strong!!

[Bool Prop]

But part of the problem is that I don't really want to move on. I keep hoping that maybe he'll agree to give it another shot.

[Kahdeksan]

But part of the problem is that I don't really want to move on. I keep hoping that maybe he'll agree to give it another shot.

 

You sounded just like me when my heart was torn in two... My ex, she broke it off on the phone with me, but it was her dad that did the talking. I was so crushed...

 

The dread of not having her seemed like I was spiraling into a black hole.... it hurt more when I'd wake up to realize that she's gone... gone for good.

 

Then I realized that I had lived my life without her, and I was happy, so I CAN live my life without her.

 

You'll have to come to realize that too.... that you too CAN live your life without him as you've done so before you met him.

 

Maybe, your best chance is to see how long it'll take for him to call you... he might, he might not, but you shouldn't contact him, it'll only make things worse for you. And if he doesn't call you, then you ought to know that it is final....

[Bool Prop]

You sounded just like me when my heart was torn in two... My ex, she broke it off on the phone with me, but it was her dad that did the talking. I was so crushed...

 

That's horrible. Sometimes I really think this * * * * isn't worth all the trouble that comes with it.

 

And then I start bawling into my shirt again like the Waterworks that Could.

 

Do you think maybe I should tell him the things I've written here? Or would that just be scary and weird?

 

You'll have to come to realize that too.... that you too CAN live your life without him as you've done so before you met him.

 

I've known him since the beginning of junior high, though, and it's been a long time since then. He's always been this definite presense and now I just don't know what to do.

 

Grade school came before him, and I honestly can't remember how I felt or what I thought about anything back then. I can't even relate to how my life used to be before I met him.

[Kahdeksan]

Yeah, that's true.

 

Do you think maybe I should tell him the things I've written here? Or would that just be scary and weird?

 

No, don't tell him, it could very well upset him, and yes, even freak him out. What he doesn't know on this thread will do you good.

 

Or then again he could care less.... but to be safe, don't let him know. He could use that as ammunition, and in your current state you don't need anymore of this... to come toppling down on you and make things FAR worse than they already are.

 

By that I meant that you'll be blaming yourself....

 

You have friends and family to talk to right? Go out with them talk it out but also be aware that it can become a burden if you keep dumping this on them... but yes talk it out...

 

I'm very sorry to hear of your circumstance, and I'm sending you lots of love.... we all need that to be mending at these troubled times.

[Bool Prop]

You have friends and family to talk to right? Go out with them talk it out but also be aware that it can become a burden if you keep dumping this on them... but yes talk it out...

 

Yeah, I've been talking to my friends about it and it's been helpful, but I still feel so lonely. Usually he's the one I talk about my problems to, and the fact that I may never feel comfortable doing that again is incredibly painful.

[Kahdeksan]

Yeah, I've been talking to my friends about it and it's been helpful, but I still feel so lonely. Usually he's the one I talk about my problems to, and the fact that I may never feel comfortable doing that again is incredibly painful.

 

I know how scary things are when so suddenly they are no longer around, our reliance on them through habit is taken away from us in an instant!

 

In their place is this 'void' that we must now somehow come to terms with, and to do with our time that we haven't when we were around them.

 

Make time to focus on yourself... this void that used to be him is now the time that draws like a long rusted dull blade... it is long and you'll fall victim to that blade if you stay in the void.

 

Take up different hobbies and activities that you otherwise couldn't or wouldn't do with your ex around.

 

I know it's hard... it's almost unbearable, but you have to do this... for yourself now. You being miserable will do nobody any good. Grieve, grieve completely and fully... and then start the process of working on yourself.

 

Don't go back to thinking about the 'what if's or what you should have done' to make things better. Don't replay those thoughts in your head, they will only give you a false sense of hope and make you act on desperate measures.

[Bool Prop]

Maybe I was too dependent. We talked about anything and agreed on everything, and I just took it for granted that he'd continue to be there simply because he always has been. This is just so, so sudden.

 

Everything's always been second to him. We've always taken the time to make room for each other, and sometimes he's all I look forward to. I've even started waking up earlier than I normally would so I can catch him before work. I even do my homework over the phone with him because he knows it better than I do. This is such a huge part of my life and it scares me. Everything I do relates back to him. Because I want to better myself to live up to the person he is, or make being with him more convenient, or make him proud, everything.

 

I know it's hard... it's almost unbearable, but you have to do this... for yourself now. You being miserable will do nobody any good. Grieve, grieve completely and fully... and then start the process of working on yourself.

 

Don't go back to thinking about the 'what if's or what you should have done' to make things better. Don't replay those thoughts in your head, they will only give you a false sense of hope and make you act on desperate measures.

 

Thank you very, very much. That means a lot to me.

[Kahdeksan]

Maybe I was too dependent. We talked about anything and agreed on everything, and I just took it for granted that he'd continue to be there simply because he always has been. This is just so, so sudden.

 

Everything's always been second to him. We've always taken the time to make room for each other, and sometimes he's all I look forward to. I've even started waking up earlier than I normally would so I can catch him before work. I even do my homework over the phone with him because he knows it better than I do. This is such a huge part of my life and it scares me. Everything I do relates back to him. Because I want to better myself to live up to the person he is, or make being with him more convenient, or make him proud, everything.

 

Perhaps you were too dependent on him, and that has gotten to a point where it's become too involved with his lifestyle. That can drive people away in a relationship.

 

Understand that you are not alone, Bool Pop, there are folks here who share a common understanding with you. Don't EVER let this ONE break-up be the end, because it is NOT. Your life will go on and so will his, but if you don't face up to your demons - you being alone and scared - it will consume your life and to a point where depression takes hold of you in a tight grip.

 

Beat this, in your own time.... grieve first, but don't be afraid. You are NOT alone...

 

You're more than welcome, god knows I needed all the advice I could get when I was heart broken, still am actually, but it's getting on the mend, heh.

[Bool Prop]

I just hate how we're running around in circles with this. He tells me one thing, yet completely negates it with what he's telling his friend? I get "We can't do this anymore" and the friend gets "She's perfect and I can't break up with her". He's getting that friend to keep those conversations a secret, as well. I had to guilt him into telling me what was going on.

 

Don't EVER let this ONE break-up be the end, because it is NOT. Your life will go on and so will his, but if you don't face up to your demons - you being alone and scared - it will consume your life and to a point where depression takes hold of you in a tight grip.

 

I know this would be a lot more painful but a lot less confusing and hopeful if he had just told me, with absolute certainty, that he no longer wanted to be with me. But I'm getting all these mixed messages and I don't know what I should do with them.

 

This martyr act is getting really annoying, too. "I'm breaking up with you because I know this will keep happening and I don't want to hurt you". Yeah, okay. Whatever. All I want is for things to go back to the way they were before he suddenly flipped. Nothing he's doing right now is helping me or him at all.

 

He's working all day today, but I'll get to see him tomorrow, so hopefully something will come of it.

[Kahdeksan]

He told his friends the following; "She's perfect and I can't break up with her", simply because he can afford to say it. Why you ask, well because HE KNOWS that you'll come crawling back to him if he breaks it off with you! It is his ego talking... same with that martyr talk of his... ego, ego stimulus. They know you are the back up should all else fail.

 

I would suggest not to speak to him, and really letting him know what he's missing on, if he is, but if he isn't then you know you can do better. But, I guess no matter what you get in these forums you'll still do what your heart tells you to do... heh.

 

If you must, go and see him, stand strong and don't panic, but make sure you spell out everything to him, loud and clear, and if he still insists on going with the same lines, you know what to do...

[Bool Prop]

That could be. I really don't think he'd do that, but I'm the idealistic, wounded ex, so I'd rather not tuck stuff in the back of my mind just to have it come back and bite me later.

 

I think I'm going to wait until Sunday before I allow myself to form any definite feelings about this. I'm just all over the place now. If Sunday doesn't result in anything good, I'm going to suggest a break that'll allow the two of us to think separately and discuss it again later. I'm probably giving him more than he deserves but I really, really don't want to lose this.

 

The friend said he'd try talking it out with him, too, so maybe that'll help the situation somewhat.

 

I'm tempted to post the MSN conversation we had, but I'm afraid that one of my friends will SOMEHOW come accross this forum and discover me, even though the chances of that happening are, like, nonexistent.

[Kahdeksan]

Well, if anything, I'm going to wish you the best!!

 

He could also be as confused as you are, so time apart would be best... But see him on Sunday and go from there. You'll know what to do...

 

Good luck!

[Crazyaboutdogs]

You are way too dependent on him. A partner should complement your life not BE your life. You should have other interests, other friends you can confide on, you shouldn't be doing your homework over the phone with him so he can help you. You should be able to do your own homework on your own. You have made this guy your entire existence and now that he wants to leave it is like you lost your right hand. Do not beg for him back, show him how independent you are. Since you are long distance you don't know if he met someone local who he wants to date and is just not telling you. This kind of thing happens all the time. Or maybe he is getting tired of your total dependence on him and needs a breather. You will get through this...you just have to learn how to be on your own. I hope you didn't blow off all your friends because you had a boyfriend. Your friends are who you need right now. You also need to get out there and have your own life independent from him.

[DN]

The LDR had been going on for two years. How frequently did you see each other and was there a time frame for getting together in the same place? If there was a plan was it a firm plan or just a target?

[Bool Prop]

You are way too dependent on him. A partner should complement your life not BE your life. You should have other interests, other friends you can confide on, you shouldn't be doing your homework over the phone with him so he can help you. You should be able to do your own homework on your own.

 

Yeah, I have plenty of interests, but I'm more interested in him than soccer or debate club or baking pies.

 

And yeah, I have lots of very good friends - I particularly appreciate them right now. I'm honestly touched that they care enough to listen to my angst explosion without wanting to tear my head off. They are helping to make this much easier, as is this forum. I'm very glad I decided to post a topic here.

 

Also, in my defense, it was physics homework, HAHA.

 

You will get through this...you just have to learn how to be on your own.

 

Thanks for the reassurance. All of these responses have made me feel much better. I'll talk to him on Sunday and tell him exactly how I feel. If he still doesn't budge, I'll cry and feel like it's the end of the world, but at least I can say I tried my best.

 

The LDR had been going on for two years. How frequently did you see each other and was there a time frame for getting together in the same place? If there was a plan was it a firm plan or just a target?

 

He was living much closer to me then than he does now, before we began dating. We met up a few times then, as friends, but then he moved to another country because of his father's job. He moved a little more than three years ago, and we've been talking regularly since then.

 

We were planning to meet up again in about a year, and he was going to move out here once he finished university.

[DN]

It does seem a very long time to be apart with very few meetings and no real end in sight - nothing to work towards.

 

Is there any way that could have been avoided?

[Bool Prop]

Not really, unfortunately. He was going to apply to a university around here, but his parents wouldn't let him, so the only other alternative was the agreement that I'd visit him next year. We were going to decide on other opportunities afterwards.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Also, in my defense, it was physics homework, HAHA.

 

Oh, I can definitely understand that...physics was one of my dreaded subjects!

 

Yeah, I have plenty of interests, but I'm more interested in him than soccer or debate club or baking pies.

 

It should not be that he is more interesting than your own pursuits or that your own pursuits are more interesting than him. It should be about balance...each has their own place in your life where they are separate pieces of the pie that come together to make the whole pie..each piece being just as important (sorry for using the pie analogy). Perhaps you can look at it like when a child asks his mother "who do you love more, me or dad" and the mother responds, "I love you both just as much, just in different ways". That is the same with interests vs a partner...you love them both, just in different ways..one is no less important than the other.

[Bool Prop]

I understand. Thanks for putting it in simpler terms for me - you're right.

 

So, I talked with him, and frankly, even if he did change his mind at this point, I would NOT accept. I don't care if it's just my pride, I REFUSE to keep telling myself that he deserves my love and respect while he tramples around as a petulant, self-serving JERK who can't make up his mind.

 

I asked him what the boundaries are; what I'm allowed to do and not allowed to do and so forth, because I was still rather confused in regards to where I stood. He shoots back with, "well, it doesn't matter, because it didn't mean anything in the first place".

 

Now, I know all the problems associated with LDR, but to undermine my feelings like that - as if it was all just some GRAND ADVENTURE for me while he was forced to be the martyr, the "MATURE" one - just because it wasn't working out PERFECTLY for him (WHICH WAS TO BE EXPECTED. WHY DIDN'T HE THINK OF THAT YEARS AGO?), sent me into a fit. I was prepared to punt him all the way accross the ocean, but alas, the WOES of LDR.

 

He's like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. DOUCHEBAG, so screw that. I'm sick of getting crap shoveled in my face. I am NOT a constant. I won't sit quietly in some roster while he works all these issues out, because Fable 2 will be released in October and I've got other things to think about. I don't even know why I still feel the same way. How stupid can you be, right?

 

I'm not even sure if I want to be friends with him after this. I sent him a very curt email, asking if he wanted the things he gave me back. It's probably cruel, but I really don't care. I can't stand to look at any of it without flying into a fit of irrational rage, so either it goes back to him and he sobs into the stuffed monkey because he's such an idiot, or it sits in the back of my closet until I find the heart to burn it all. I'm not going to do anything right now, because I'm incredibly angry and I'd probably do something stupid.

 

This would be SO much easier if I wasn't suddenly dominated by this incredible urge to beat the crap out of him. It'd be SO much easier if I could just spend some time blubbering around the house, crying into icecream and watching television, because at least I'd be able to do something about that. I can't even hit him like this, and I REALLY, REALLY WANT TO HIT HIM.

 

Maybe we'll be able to go back to how we used to be once I'm over this, but he can screw off somewhere in the meantime. I'm 15 years old, I'm doing well in school, I'm not such a horrible person and people don't go blind when they look at me, so I'm sure I'll find SOMEBODY WHO ACTUALLY LIKES ME AS MUCH AS I LIKE THEM before I die.

 

If my excessive wit and charm isn't enough to win someone over, I'll woo them with a pie. I make killer pies.

 

AJEGJAEKAJKNAKLW I DIDN'T EVEN WANT A BOYFRIEND.

[Kahdeksan]

Hahah! You'll get over this!! Tried out boxing classes, they help!

 

So much spirit!!

 

Glad you realized that you deserve better and that you're more intelligent and mature than he is, and that you WILL find someone better!