Opinions on my situation..

[DrPhil]

Just a little background info. Together for a year and a half. We split about 3 months ago. The usual 'fight too much' ... 'tired of this'.

 

Been in NC pretty much the whole time.. I always planned to go NC but contact her sometime later down the road and I'm wondering if it's a good move right now.

 

She just got into a relationship with a guy about.....10 days or so ago. I'm not so sure what to think of it. She rejected him before she met me..rejected him while we were together..now 3 months after breaking up, she's with him. Last I heard, they had some issues right after they hooked up. He's in the AF or army and left to where he was stationed at a day or two after hooking up. IDK if they're still together, but I will just assume that they are. And I understand that whether it's a serious relationship or not, it's still a relationship and I have to respect that.

 

A couple days ago I shot her an IM, no response after 5 mins, so I just logged off. Thing about IM's is that she may or may not have been on the comp at the time, so I'm not reading into it much.

 

So I guess the BF factor (if he's still there) .. would now be a bad time to shoot a more concrete form of contact? A call or text, maybe? It definitely wouldn't be one of those 'i still love you, come back to me' kind of things.

 

Fall semester will be starting in about 4 weeks. I know I'm bound to bump into her. Should I wait till then?

 

Thanks guys..

[bfla]

Like you know, our situations have a few similarities. Honestly I'd say you might want to wait a little.

 

My ex is not considering herself single right now, even though I'm not really supposed to know that. And even though, every single day, I hit that low point where I want to send a text or call, it's really important not to. NC might not get her interested in you, man, but right now she's probably just not going to be. And that's probably nothing to do with you at the moment.

 

Check out this thread on the Healing board. I tend to stay away from there because it's a downer:

 

 

 

You know, you guys have a new semester in 4 weeks, and my ex's birthday is in 2-3 weeks. (Rebound Guy's is Tuesday. ADKALSDFJKAASDFJAKLSD.) I'm doing my best not to contact her before then, which will be a nice genericky card and maybe a quaint (as my friend put it) gift. Hang in there.

[isilv3r]

You've gone this long without contacting her, which I imagine took a lot of strength to do. If you know she's with someone, why would you want to put yourself back into the position where it could possibly hurt to talk to her again? Also...what are you expecting by contacting her? Hoping that things might change and you may get back together? I think you would just be setting yourself up for disappointment and i think you should continue without her. Sounds like you haven't completely healed. Do you want to go back to when it hurt more? Think about it..

[auburnslp]

OK, sorry, but I've gotta ask...

 

How do you guys know that they are doing what they are doing?

 

Mutual friends? Checking up on them through the internet?

 

NC is NC. No asking about them. No looking at the Myspace, Facebook, whatever page. When a mutual friend brings them up, you respectfully say that you really would prefer to not hear about it.

 

I know how hard that is, believe me, I have done all of the above.

 

But because of that, I have realized what I wrote above-NC is NC, in all forms.

 

Funny thing is-the whole premise of NC is sound. If it is done in the hopes that the ex will come sniffing around us, well fine, and then at that point we get to choose what we do next.

 

But primarily, it is done to allow us to heal. No amount of NC is going to change the ex's mind, if there is no hope. But it will, definitely and totally and completely will, speed up the healing process for us.

 

So,...

 

Complete NC is the only way to go. Checking up on them or hearing about them will only prolong the pain, and even sometimes raise false hopes. Neither are good options-I hope you will sit back and think about this and maybe even agree.

 

Listen-I wish the both of you luck in whatever it is you want from all this. But I can promise you from experience that true NC is a win-win situation, no matter how you look at it...

[bfla]

Yeah, I know. That's why in the NC challenge thread I keep calling it pseudo-NC. Cop out I know

 

Besides myspace, I looked in her email when we first broke up. (This was like 7 weeks ago, I cut that crap out quick.) So yeah, she's totally on the rebound, at least in my story, but don't let me hijack your thread DrPhil.

 

I gotta add though, because I know my ex isn't Complete NCing me either (she's checking my myspace all the time) I won't lie and say it doesn't give me any ridiculous hope.

[isilv3r]

It's true. But when two people love each other, they don't forget that easily so it's habit to sometimes check in and see what they're doing. Either way, you guys weren't compatible enough to be together and it had to end. Just ask yourself if you really want to remind yourself again the pain you went through to get this far and you should have your answer. Nothing will benefit from contacting her.

[auburnslp]

Dude, don't feel bad. I did that too-I had her email password and I checked it...this was several years ago. Did it for several weeks or a month, until it hurt too bad to read it any more...

 

And that was my first lesson in NC...that was the extreme...doing a very wrong thing, I am ashamed of it now, and then being brought to my knees with pain. I realized that there was no good to come of even checking the myspace stuff, whatever, because to a maybe lesser degree, it's still painful and prolongs the agony of the loss for sure.

 

But it is such an easy trap to fall into, and such a hard one to climb out of. The internet has made breaking up very easy-many do it through an IM for God's sake-but also so hard to get over, because we have the ability to safely and anonymously look into their lives when we should be moving on...

 

And to the OP? To answer your question...I would wait. I see no benefit in contacting her now, from what you have said. If you bump into her during next semester, that would be your chance-a smile on your face, ask her how she is, blah blah blah, then ask her for a coffee of a bite to eat to catch up if she seems receptive.

 

And if you are checking on her-I would stop. But I already said that, didn't I?

[fixyou_]

Hmm, a phonecall is okay...as long as you keep it on the platonic side. And good for you for respecting his/her boundaries not too often does a man do that.

[brian123]

If she is with another guy, I'd back off. You are better than that man.She doesnt deserve you.

[DrPhil]

I know things about them through a mutual friend that called me up when she found out. Didn't want to hear about it at first, but curiosity got to the best of me. No Myspace or FB for me...gave it up about a week after we broke up, a good friend changed my passwords for me.

 

I'll be honest and say that I went NC for me. I needed to heal and take the time to sort my feelings. I needed time to cool down and find out what I really wanted. I went NC fully intending on contacting her later down the line. Whether you agree with my plan or not, it is what it is. I've had friends and family reconcile using all kinds of 'methods.' Some cut all ties with no plan on getting back, some went NC trying to get them back, LC and played it cool, NC for a while then contacted at a later point.

 

Yes we all need NC to heal, but a lot of us do want to get back with our ex's. I guess my 'plan' is to contact her so that we can be on friendly terms, without actually being friends. Idk if that makes sense, lol.

 

While driving home from work today, I saw her car on the other side of the highway. My heart pounded and a strong urge to call her came on me. Good thing I resisted as I need to figure out what I would say first.