giggle3474 Posted July 25, 2008 Share Posted July 25, 2008 Any of you following my story know my b/f broke up with me a few weeks ago. We went NC for a little bit but ended up going away for his birthday. I didn't expect us to get back together just because we went away for the weekend but I thought maybe if it went well he would be more willing to talk about working it out for the future. So the weekend went great. I mean it was truly fabulous. He treated me like a queen the entire weekend. We talked briefly after we got back but not about anything serious. Well yesterday I went to see him for lunch. During lunch I had asked him how he felt about maybe working things out. He said he had made it clear to me before we left that he wasn't open to that. He said he has made his decision and he wants time and space and does not want a girlfriend to be obligated to right now. I got really upset because it seemed like he was closing his mind entirely. No room for any talking, no room for any compromise - nothing. I told him I felt really used not because he went away with me for the weekend, not because we had sex but because of all the other intimate things he did. He did "committed relationship" things... calling me his girl, holding my hand, resting his hand on my leg while we were seated, making future plans with me, etc etc. That's what really hurts my feelings. He didn't have to do all that. I KNOW in my heart that it wasn't an act but at the same time, I don't see how he could do all that to me and with me and not be affected by it in some way. When I brought all this up to him, he was not interested in talking about it. He was actually quite mean about it and I don't know if it was because of me or because he was tired from work or what. He said his mind hadn't changed and I should know that because he told me it wasn't going to before we went away. But his actions told me different.... I am so hurt right now, I feel like this is the worst thing he has ever done to me. I was so upset and crying and he just wouldn't barely look at me. He is not usually like this, ya know? I've enjoyed our relationship so much because I've always been able to talk and communicate with him. I feel like there is no hope now. It breaks my heart to feel like the only choice I have is to give up. I just don't know what else to do though. I told him that it sucks that I am almost sure that at one point he is going to want to get back together and why does my heart have to be completely shattered for us to get there? He says he's not trying to break my heart and it has crossed his mind that I'm THE one he'll end up with. I'm being impatient, I know Im pushing the issue. But I just thought we were so close to being able to work this out and I do not for the life of me understand why he doesn't want a girlfriend right now. He can be independent and still have a girl. We are supposed to be enhancements to each others lives and I feel like he's looking at me and feeling he would have to 'give up' too much for it to be worth it. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted July 25, 2008 Share Posted July 25, 2008 Let it go and go NC. If he loves you he will reconcile, if not you'll be saving yourself some unnecessary pain. I went through something similar. Mine was telling me he loved me and was working towards a relationship but that he had to find a job, when he did he would call me-this was when I went NC. Well I know he found a job back in June after I saw he had posted his profile on Match-wouldn't of posted w/o being employed, and guess what, no phone call . God, I wish I had followed his actions instead of his words! Don't waste your time on people that "need time" to think out the relationship or are not certain if they love you, it is humiliating and painful. Remove yourself from this situation and try to get yourself back, as hard as it is. Don't let yourself be played!!!! Link to comment
nyds.dan Posted July 25, 2008 Share Posted July 25, 2008 Hi there. i am so sorry you keep getting these mixed signals. I am not sure what to say except you may want to ask him what he wants. Ask him what you can do to help him figure out what he wants. And no matter what he says, support that. That is giving him his space. I am in a situation where I think I may have THE girl. But for my own relationship reasons, I am pushing her away. It is devastating to her (details in another thread which nobody has offered any help in and it is hurting me to do this to her. Why am I pushing her away? Why am I reluctant to give her any ray of hope? Because that is the only way I can be totally free to explore my own inner self and feelings. I may need to go on dates with other women (it had been years since I have done that until this summer) to determine what in the world I am feeling. He has feelings for you. He just needs to be able to recognize those feelings as being true and legit. If you give him his space, he will know for sure. If it turns out he does not have the feelings, then better now than later. If it turns out he gets what he wants and realizes how much he really is burning for you, then you both win. Sometimes a confused relationship needs to completely burn in the fires before it may rise again from the ashes like the Phoenix. Either way, if he is pushing away then there is a reason for it. I know it sounds empty to say it, but if you two are meant to be it will work out. If not, then this is a good thing anyway. Time is tricky because events have to unfold in a certain way for true happiness to emerge. Sometimes those events are painful and make you feel like you want to curl up and die. In the end however, things always end up better. Hang in there, be honest with him, listen to what he says he wants, and try to allow him to have it. He should not have given you that good weekend, it only complicated things for both of you. My ex wants to meet to come up with a plan on how to get through this together. I am not allowing her to meet with me right now (I broke things off last weekend - too soon to meet IMO). My problem is like your ex, I do have feelings for her and I cherish her. I just know that the ends will justify these terrible, painful, dreadful means and right now distance is the only thing that will help. Link to comment
nyds.dan Posted July 25, 2008 Share Posted July 25, 2008 am I dumb? what's NC? You are not dumb, I had to look it up today. It means No Contact. Cutting things off completely. I wish I knew how to do that a long time ago, it would have helped my current situation. NC is an artform... some people are terrible at it, some are experts. Link to comment
Rising Posted July 25, 2008 Share Posted July 25, 2008 I think you both 'can' be together but that doesn't necessarily mean you should or will be together. It sounds like he mentally wants to be out of the relationship, but still has emotional and physical attachments to you. I think it was wrong of him to act the way he did during your weekend, but only because he most likely knew that you were more invested in trying to make it work and would likely be hurt in the end. It becomes someone's responsibility to do the 'right' thing even though it may not be the most comfortable/happy thing. In this case he should have forced the physical/emotional distance that was in line with his decision to end things... even if you were totally open to the idea of having a weekend away together. Defined boundaries are key once a relationship ends otherwise people can get really hurt as you are experiencing now. I'd suggest that you distance yourself from him and go for complete NC. Perhaps that will make him realize what you are to him and how much you brought to a relationship... or perhaps it will just end up being the way that you two can move apart with the least amount of re-opened wounds. Good luck to you *internet hug* -Rising Link to comment
lovemycoffee41 Posted July 25, 2008 Share Posted July 25, 2008 I think that sometimes the Dumper says things like "well, let me get together and then we'll figure out where we can stand" as a nicety, something to make the hurt for the Dumpee a bit more tolerable. But it gives the Dumpee hope, something that we're holding onto desperately at times. Three words: Let. It. Go. Or, Let. Them. Go. They need to do whatever they need to do, absolutely. But you know what? So do you. And top priority is, and ALWAYS should be, YOU. YOU need to determine what you want. Some body who's going to make you feel like you need to wait for them? That there's a possibility down the road? There's always a possibility for ANYTHING. But you only have today, this moment. And he's saying not now. Getting through life's hard times is what makes a great couple. Something to be done together, which can make you guys stronger as a team. This guy seriously looked at you, in all your wonderfulness, and said "naa, I'll do this on my own"--in other words, he didn't consider you important enough to want to work this through with. Do you really want to be with someone who doesn't respect you enough to want to stay with you? Take this time for you, to focus on you and who you want to be. With or without him. This will make you strong enough for whatever comes along in the future, whether it's with him or with someone who considers you important enough to treat you like a queen all the time and is proud to call you his girl at ALL times. Right now, this guy ain't it. And you deserve better. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted July 25, 2008 Share Posted July 25, 2008 . I am in a situation where I think I may have THE girl. But for my own relationship reasons, I am pushing her away. It is devastating to her (details in another thread which nobody has offered any help in and it is hurting me to do this to her. Why am I pushing her away? Why am I reluctant to give her any ray of hope? Because that is the only way I can be totally free to explore my own inner self and feelings. I may need to go on dates with other women (it had been years since I have done that until this summer) to determine what in the world I am feeling. What???? Please enlighten us. Are you willing to lose her to "find yourself?" Link to comment
nyds.dan Posted July 25, 2008 Share Posted July 25, 2008 What???? Please enlighten us. Are you willing to lose her to "find yourself?" There is an entirely other thread in this forum dedicated to my situation. The only posts in it are from me. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted July 25, 2008 Share Posted July 25, 2008 There is an entirely other thread in this forum dedicated to my situation. The only posts in it are from me. ] After reading your thread I can understand your position. You have a lot more tolerance than I do. Link to comment
thejigsup Posted July 25, 2008 Share Posted July 25, 2008 I have taken a break from a couple of relationships. I really, truly, needed to think. That being said, I never led people on and went places with them, held their hand, etc... That is just mean and deceitful! When I took a break, I was by myself and only contacted them when I knew what I wanted, (one I went back to, the other I ended it). This guy sounds like he wants all the good stuff of a relationship with none of the responsibilities. Cut this one loose. He has head trip and pain written all over him. Link to comment
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