Ok people what should i do now??

[poppie]

Hi Everyone,

 

Quick run through of what's happened so far. We split up nearly six weeks ago after nearly 6 years together because he did not know if he wanted to be with me for the rest of his life and he didn't want all the responsiblilty that family life brought.

It was a very emotional break up with both of us crying. Ultimately it was my decision to call it a day but we went from "what are we going to have for dinner" conversation to him packing his bags and leaving. All over and done with in 30 mins flat, i still don't know how we went from the conversation of dinner to us breaking up.

 

Anyway there has been very little contact. I got a phone call 24 days later (the first contact since it happened) to say he had got my daughter a birthday card with some money in and he would drop it in. I said no, that seeing him would just be too hard and to give it to his Mum to give to me.She only lives 5 mins up the road and he was coming home for the weekend. (he is in the Royal Navy)

 

About a week later i forwarded some emails to his ship, i put a couple of lines nothing much, just that i still found it very strange not talking to him each night, that the builders who had been here forever had finally left, and to take care and that was about it.

I received an email back that same day to say he missed talking to me as well, told me what he had been doing and that if i was stuck for a lift to Ashford for my October trip to Disney then he would drop us off and pick us up.

 

A week later i got a txt to thank me for the birthday card i sent, (my girls wanted to send him a card) I sent once back saying he was welcome.

 

Now after that i decided that that was it, there would be no more forwarding emails, no more sending anything to him. I suppose i wanted to see if he would get in contact off his own back.

 

Please bear in mind that this is a man who just does not send emails, txts anything really. He hated typing due to his one finger ability so it takes him ages. His own family got so sick to death of sending him emails and never hearing anything back that they stopped sending them. He is also a man that shows no emotion,he is in the military so just has a way of cutting people out of his life as if they were dead. His last girlfriend, he got sick of and just disappeared. He never took her calls, anything. It doesn't bother him in the slightest.

 

Well yesterday i got an email from him, i wasn't expecting one for the above reasons and also the fact that we had now gone our separate ways. It made me realise that he is really struggling to let go, he is finding alot harder than he thought.

It told me all what he had been doing, that he hoped i was ok, asked if my daughter had a nice birthday and a few other things.

 

Now this is where i am stuck. I haven't replied or done anything yet. Part of me wants to reply of course but i really don't know.

Should i maybe lay all my cards on the table, ie, tell him that unless he wants to sit down and talk about us then he has to let go, no emails, txts anything.Do i ignore it, or do i even continue the sending emails back and forth for the time being.

 

I am so confused by it all.

 

Please help

[Angel_baby]

Most of the time when I read a post about a break up I advice to go NC to try to make the healing process easier on both sides. BUT your post stuck out in a way that it seems like both of you really DON'T want to break up...? I may be wrong but that is what I felt reading your story.

 

I think you two should really talk about what you guys feel towards each other. You posted that he is afraid of basically settling down. (How old are both you and him?), which is common to feel in a long and serious relationship. Possibly he only needed some time to think about which direction he wants his life to go. Same with you.

 

If you are both totally serious on the break up then I would try to cut off most contact. It is harder since you have children as I am sure they care about him.

 

Which ever way it goes I wish you the best. *hugs*

[Clabs]

Hi Poppie

 

It is tough to know what the best thing to do is in these situations and it is easy to let someone else's confusion confuse you.

 

I think the best you can do here is strip out the few facts you have and run with them. He has told you that for whatever reason he doesn't want the responsibility of a relationship with you, and he has not shown any inkling that he wants to get back together again.

 

If his contact with you you upsets you then sure - tell him that unless he wants to work on a committed relationship with you then to leave you alone. But if they don't bother you then I wouldn't bother replying because as we have established, he has made no noises about a reconcilliation.

 

I know these times are so tough but at the end of the day you deserve to be with someone who does want to commit to you and cannot wait to be with you and he doesn't sound like your man.

 

Mark

[poppie]

We are both 36.

 

I am his first proper long term girlfriend, before me the longest he lasted with anyone was 9 months!

 

I just think he is very confused about everything, he is worried about buying a house in the future (2 years until my youngest leaves school) and worried that he will not have enough money.

 

He is a very very difficult person to talk to, he clams up and says nothing. I suppose it goes with the job. Sad really.

 

So what should i do then, i don't really want to send him an email with an ultimatum, (you either sit down and talk to me or sod off kind of thing)

 

i don't really want to ignore him either but if i just send emails back and forth for a while then it could either go 2 ways.

1) We get talking again in a friendly way which will hopefully bring us back together.

2) We send emails back and forth but it goes nowhere,

 

 

What the hell should i do???????????

[Angel_baby]

What the hell should i do???????????

 

If he is open to it I would suggest both of you having a serious talk about whether there is anything left of this relationship or not. Is there anyway to talk to him on a phone? Or is just e-mail's right now?

 

You can still give an ultimatum in an easier tone also... something like, "Us talking back and forth makes it feel a lot like we are still together. I need to know if we have any future together, if there is anything left to keep working and communicating together for.

[Clabs]

"You can still give an ultimatum in an easier tone also... something like, "Us talking back and forth makes it feel a lot like we are still together. I need to know if we have any future together, if there is anything left to keep working and communicating together for."

 

I agree with Angel baby that this sounds like a good way forward. Don't look at it as an ultimatum - you simply need to know where you stand - I am sure you agree that you deserve that.

 

Mark

[DN]

I think that six weeks may be still a little premature for you to do anything with finality. Given what you said about his way of doing things in the past I advise giving him a little more time to deal with the consequences of what he has done without entirely cutting him out or forcing a final decision.

 

I think it would be best to reply in kind to his e-mail - a light, cheerful response, briefly bringing him up to date without mentioning the relationship at all.