My Darkest Secrets

[mr me]

I guess im just writing this because we all have them. Its just for me i dont feel like you tell them to anyone but the people your closest to. Well i dont have anyone like that so basically i just go online and talk to perfect strangers. Im in a crisis right now and its been bugging me out for so long. I almost felt like i was losing it a couple of times. Im a creative person so i like to express myself but i havent been able to. I also realized that even though ive been writing alot that i havent really been able to let things go. I see that has had to do alot with my past relationship and not being able to let go and that meant in all ways i havent been able to let go. I guess im kinda stalling lol.

 

I seem to be really open but im not at all. I even have trouble answering people when they ask me things because i constantly worry what they will think. I also have paranoia with people abandoning me and also am at a really crazy anxiety stage in my life. They saw your early 20's is when you feel it the most. Its just crazy because thats also one of the hardest times in your life when your having to deal with adjusting to reality. I seem to have this good guy image that i continue to hide behind because really deep down i probably hate what i really am. I see myself being just like the family and people i have grown up around and those are the people that ive had troubles with even standing being around them. I grew up in almost my own world which introverts if they spend too much time can develop. Basically since i was alittle kid i never talked to anyone about anything. My defense mechanism was my pride and thinking i was better than everyone else and it made me feel good to hold all of that in. So now im really down and having all of my past haunting me as well as struggling with dealing with my present.

 

Ive basically have been trying to hold back wanting to kill myself ever since my relationships with my 1st two ex's ended. Thats when my bubble really shattered and its still hard because i cant seem to accept the way i was growing up. Its just that it wont just go away. Alot of the time i blame myself for things that have nothing to do with me. Its just i seem to try to protect myself from having to deal with the abandonment of having all the people i have ever been close leave me or things not work out. I basically had the thought stuck in my head that God was trying to kill me by putting me thru so much stuff that i wasnt able to handle. All i see around me is all my problems and i dont know besides me not completely losing it what i see that has been good these past months. Its been close to 23 years of pain and the last 2 years of hell. I almost dont allow myself to feel like my life is bad because i cant bear the thought of anyone else being messed up to me because of how my life is. I guess thats an indirect way of me feeling like i deserve what ive had to go thru. I dont know if i always felt that way or just having all of this happen to me made me feel that way or i guess both.

 

Ive tried to not let this out but its been tearing me apart till now i can talk about some of this and not completely feel like crap if anyone decides to say something messed up. I feel like i stop myself from doing things that might be good to me because of how i dont know how the people that are around me will act. I can see alot of jealousy from people mainly because of how i am and how im also decent looking. Its like some people just want something to be bad about you so they dont have to feel like they are inferior. I guess most people will say well those people are that way and dont let it get to you or something like that. Its just to me i also feel like that as well so i have this internal battle with both of those sides and i dont really know who i am anymore. I used to feel like i was a good all around person but ive seen what life can do to a person and my youth and being naive about it all was what kept me going. Now im at my rock bottom and dont really know whats what anymore.

 

I really just dont know whats possible anymore in my life knowing all the craziness in my life. So its like even when i try to do better i can barely handle my problems. I guess ill probably write more about this another time because i write alot so idk how many people would really read everything.

[ClementineK]

I know exactly how you feel. I go through the same stuff every day. I wish I could tell you I knew how to fix your problems or make you feel better but I don't have the answers! Just keep on livin' and try everyday to overcome these things. I do the same. I've been in counseling for the past 2 or so years. If you can see a counselor it really helps. Or it does for me at least. I'm a lot better than I use to be but I still have the same feelings as you.

 

I've defintely felt like I was losing it a couple of times. And I find it difficult to let go of things. I am totally socially awkward in that I am soooo paranoid about what people think about me. And I'm terrified of others abandoning me, too. When I was a kid, I was a loner too. And there have been many times I wanted to kill myself. I got over the first suicidal spell because I joined a band. The rest of the times I just read or cry or talk to my counselor. Just try to find something to take your mind off of it. Please, please, don't kill yourself. Things do get better. And there are people like you out there, like me, who struggle with you.

 

Good luck!

[mr me]

I appreciate what you wrote. Im kinda struggling because im in a self-destructive phase in my life so its like im trying to just mess things up. Its weird for me because im at my lowest so i should try to make things better but thats not how it works. I feel like i need to believe that good things will happen to me and that way i can try to learn to deal with when they dont work out as well. I do have moments when i can focus and say that good things will happen to me but then something happens and i get really depressed because of how i was doing better and then i just go to rock bottom again.

 

I also have this issue where its like im having trouble dealing with understanding that there are other people that are going thru this. Its like i sometimes dont want to find those people because its a defense mechanism to feel like your the only one. Its just thats what i really want so i get really confused with all the mixed up messages of the way im thinking. Its also kinda crazy because ive been so afraid of opening up but because of how bad things have been lately im completely indifferent so i dont really feel much of anything. Thats kinda why i just wrote this now because i dont really know if i could have wrote about this under any other circumstances.

[mr me]

I guess im probably add more now. Ive had alot of issues with girls my whole life. I try my best to not be the obsessive person when it comes to love that my family is. I tried to not follow in their footsteps but i did anyways because of how i grew up around that. Ive been struggling with my addictive traits for awhile and with my depression being as bad as it has been that its overwhelming. Ive been addicted to my ex the worst and its been kinda scary at times. I see myself being so obsessed that i could see it get so bad like i could of done something really stupid. Its just i havent and thats probably because of how im not around her. I met her online and we never meet and i couldnt understand why i would have a girl that i loved more than anything be in my life but i could never be with her. Its even crazier because we were both virgins and we were supposed to be each others first but it never happened. So she is with someone else now that she thinks she loves but to me i still see it like its her rebound and she only feels like that because shes attached to him because of the sex and everything else that shes been thru. Im not exactly doing better but to know that she lost her virginity to someone else is really depressing. The time i was trying to deal with the break-up my whole memory went blank so all i could think about was her breaking up with me. So i had to force myself to stop thinking about her because i wouldnt stop thinking of trying to get back with her. So now i feel like ill never find someone that will accept me for who i am with all the baggage i have. Im trying my best to just not having this haunt me for my whole life so it doesnt mess up my present but its pretty hard. I used to feel like i would have this idealistic type of life but idk because it helps me to work towards things but i know ill never have that type of life so im not really sure what to think.

 

I guess besides all of that my personal demons are pretty bad. I dont really know what caused it but some kids when they have really bad childhoods they believe that they will be superheroes or something. Its kinda confusing but all i know is when i was a child i would always think when i would get older that i would somehow get super powers. I guess its somehow to deal with the loneliness because of how most super heroes are outcasts. Also because of that you try to be perfect so my whole life ive been really bad with being a perfectionist to where i try to do everything perfect. Im slowly working on that so its not so bad because i just feel exhausted all the time and its like nothing is ever gonna be good enough. I cant explain how crazy you feel when your trying to do everything perfect and you dont feel good about anything so you wish you could just stop it but its not that easy.

 

Ive tried therapy but i seem to have a problem because i help myself alot better than anyone else can and im struggling with people saying anything that might make me more depressed. I went to a therapist for a while but it got so bad because she was trying to help me but it would hurt me to just see how i couldnt do thing that i felt like her voice just wouldnt leave my head with how i couldnt do certain things. So one time i was suicidal because of that and i stopped going to therapy because of that. I also dont know who could really understand my issues or who could relate to me because ive never seen or heard of anyone with my issues. Id also seem to get really defensive whenever anyone says im wrong so idk.

 

I guess on top of that i feel like i shouldnt be with any girl because of my issues and how sometimes its like i dont really know how im going to be im scared of me hurting someone thats trying to be good to me or pushing them away. I seem to not be able to handle anything good coming into my life because ill just run away from it. I also dont even know what type of girls id be interested in because relationships alot of the time just seem like trouble because of the damage you would have to deal with so it would make it that much harder for me. Also i dont see it like anyone that would be good to me would be in my life right now because of what im going thru and i couldnt handle it anyways. So i feel really confused because im very selective. So its like i probably wont get what i want or am attracted to but im not trying to be with anyone that i feel like wouldnt be good for me. So its like i want to be in a relationship and wish things could be good but i know the reality right now is its probably not and i dont know when this could change for me.

 

I know if someone said stuff like this to me i would be kinda bugged out and i actually went thru stuff like this so i really wouldnt want to imagine what thats going to be like when i have that talk lol. Its also easier saying it like this instead of to a person you would care about etc. I guess if there are people in the world like this then maybe they are people that are ok with this type of past but i really dont feel like that will happen to me so who knows when that will change.

[ClementineK]

2 things that jumped out at me:

"So now i feel like ill never find someone that will accept me for who i am with all the baggage i have."

Me too! Trust me. They do.

"Its also easier saying it like this instead of to a person you would care about etc. "

Totally agree! That's why I have this account!

 

Also, you might want to try a different counselor. I have been through MANY counselors. It is normal to do that. It's true they all won't relate to you, they all have their strengths and weaknesses.

 

My advice to you would be to not worry about finding someone right now. Focus on yourself. Love can find you. Don't worry. There is somebody for everybody. I totally feel you on this one. Sometimes I get so low... and sometimes I get so high... I just don't know how to manage my feelin's sometimes. I feel like nobody would want to deal with me. And you are right, nobody is gonna come along and fix you. People can try to help you but you have to be willin' to accept that help. You are your own prophet. You have mentioned this but not in the same words. If you believe something you will make it happen. Just heal at your own pace.

 

And OMG Super heroes... I love, love, love super heroes. And yes, I wanted to be one and dreamed of one day being bit by a spider so I could be one. Oh I feel so silly for admitting that but it's true! I love super heroes to this day! It's an obessesion of mine.

 

I'm really sorry to hear about your online lady friend. How old are you and her? I'm also assuming you are a man. It sounds like a typical break up, though. I don't believe you will be "haunted for you whole life." It may take a while... but I have faith that you will make it! And if it makes you feel better talk about it on here! There are people that will try to help you through it!

[mr me]

Its just strange because its like i havent really been able to say how i really felt alot of the time. So i never really got that feeling like anyone could help me but now that im being more open i feel that way when i make threads. I was almost gettin myself depressed because i dont feel much anymore because i have been going thru so much depression that i had to block it all out. So i dont feel overwhelmed so im just trying to do my best now and hopefully do stuff about my life. My problem with letting myself heal is that i know its going to take awhile and i wasnt really prepared to go thru something like this so its hard. Im now trying to not think like this is the worst and make myself feel like eventho i dont like certain things i have to do them. So i just told myself to try to think that its good that my ex left me so now i can do what i need to do and not be stuck feeling like this. Its just i get really bad anxiety just thinking about that. So its kinda like pick your poison. I know thats what i need to do but i thought it would of happen eventually but now im just being proactive.

 

I kinda think its true but i wonder if you could be as helpful to yourself as you have been to me but its alot harder to think and do things the way you tell other people for yourself. So i dont know if you would even need some help with anything on enotalone but you could always message me if anything. I guess im also good at helping other people just like you seem to be with helping me. Its just kinda ironic because i go thru insane amount of stuff so in a way it almost makes me good at helping other people. Its like i feel like there problems are something i can look at with a different perspective then they might because i go thru crazy stuff. I actually have alot more that i wanted to talk about.

 

I was going to continue to talk about myself but i feel like i should let out some stuff about my family. I guess ill start with my grandfather that was an alcoholic and he used to hit my grandfather. I could never stand being around him and to this day i cant even sip any alcohol because it just bothers me that much. So my family grew up around alot of craziness as it is because my family already has a history of psychological problems. All the women in my family love my grandfather and some of them almost talk about how his problem had something to do with them. The worst i heard was that he hit my mom so hard once that he broke her jaw. So she left the house after that. My family always fights and is very distant. No one really gets along and every time they fight afterwards its like nothing happened. So all that tension just builds up. I guess on top of that my family has alot of relationship problems and personal problems. All of my aunts are single moms besides one and she just recently got married. She seems to be doing better but she still has alot of baggage as well. My little cousin just got molested, harassed, or raped by some of her so called friends and was dumped on the side of the street. I was really hoping that it would somehow change something for the better but i see her acting alot worse then she was before. Her mom also has a history of stuff like that happening like most of my aunts and most girls in general. That was last week and just this week my uncle had some work related injury and just got 100 staples in his leg. So that kinda bothers me because hes already been really depressed because of his marital problems. So hes been sometimes sleeping in his car outside of my house because his wife has thrown him out. Hes no saint but his wife is kinda crazy. She once was thinking of suing my grandma because she got hurt on our lawn and stopped after she kinda realized it was kinda crazy. I think so at least idk.

 

Most of my aunts have been in abusive relationships. One of my aunts had her ex husband leave her and have children with another woman right after they broke up. It hurt my aunt alot because he never wanted to have children with her. Now shes having her urethra i think removed so she will never have children. So shes not a really happy person and is really toxic to be around. I stopped caring for my grandmother not to long ago because i used to feel like everyone attacked her because of the things she does but i realized she isnt so innocent so that relationship isnt much of a relationship. She feels weird because shes really co dependent to me because of her culture and how she feels like she needs to serve a man. Im the only guy in the house so i end up having to deal with alot of the negative energy towards men that my family has. Its not that bad with that but i used to feel that alot. I also get picked on alot but thats just how my family is. It just seems like i have alot of issues with that because my whole life people have picked on me because im different in the sense of i march to the beat of a different drum. Also my mom picks on me alot so i dont really have a relationship with her. She says that she does love me but cant show it. I feel like she picks on me the most because of how i resemble her in someways and she doesnt like it because she doesnt like herself that much. I was told the reason i stayed with my grandma was because my mom had to go to jail because she was dating a drug dealer and had to go to jail because of how she was an accomplice i guess idk. Actually idk because she said it might have been because of how my brother was born really sick so she couldnt take care of me but idk. My brothers relationship with my mom is alot worse because she takes everything out on him. She almost died giving birth to him and since then its been story after story of the craziness they both go thru with each other.

 

I already wrote about this but my whole family of aunts and one uncle have attempted suicide. Its kinda crazy because my whole life ive tried to be nothing like them but i ended up alot like them and its been really hard dealing with that. I also am having a hard time living on my own because of my family being so codependent. Its like most of my family depends on my grandmother for everything and she is allowing that to happen so its not so good. So i am trying to deal with the fear of my grandma dying if i leave the house because thats what everyone would tell me growing up that she would probably die but im working thru that now. Its just after my crazy break up and life crisis that all i could do was struggle to make it thru. I still struggle alot with loneliness because i dont trust people because of my abandonment issues but im kinda getting thru with that as well. Ive had a really hard time just feeling like the world should just be better to me because i couldnt deal with my issues but im kinda getting over that and just slowly working on things now.

 

I guess people might wonder how i am this way if i grew up around all of this. Well i guess most people might think it has to do with my dad's side. They all have gone on to do things with there life and have a pretty decent family structure. Alot of people love my dad because of how hes pretty laid back and cool. I dont really see him like that. He really hasnt done much for me and hes super hard on me like im just supposed to deal with all of this on my own. He expects me to do alot of things on my own im guessing because thats how he does things idk. I actually thought he would help me move out of my house, help with college and a car but i see hes kinda like my mom. He says things and doesnt follow thru with them. So i hear one thing and expect it but it never happens. I definitely need the help but im probably gonna do alot of things on my own idk how tho. My dad's family is also really hard on me and almost kinda laughs at how i do things because its not their way of doing things. Im also really quiet and they all are out going people or at least pretend to be. Im an introvert like alot of people in my family but because of my culture its looked down on if your quiet or shy. I guess because of all my issues i dont really seem to care at all and kinda separate myself because im rebellious but i dont feel like its just because of my issues. Im that way personality wise as well. Its hard because sometimes i have such a chip on my shoulder that i almost hinder myself. My dad was trying to pay for the car insurance but i was having trouble learning to drive because i dont really have supportive people and im as depressed as ive been. My whole mom's side of the family had trouble learning to drive. My uncle said he would help me but he was being really tough on me like i had to be perfect and i thought it was funny because hes a terrible driver. He would just criticize the crap out of me so i couldnt deal with it right now. I also had someone else try but i tried calling him a couple of times and he never picked up and then afterwards he was like why arent you calling me to help you. He is friends with my uncle so he has the same attitude like that they are always right. I guess alot of people have to deal with pride but everything was just too hard on me right now.

 

Im trying to get a better job but because of the troubles ive had lately my dad's family doesnt want to help me because they see how im in a very troubled person stage so they dont want to try to help me and feel like im messing it up for myself. I can understand that but its not really doing any good for myself because i know i am a person that will overcome obstacles its just ive been really stuck and spiraling down. I basically distanced myself from everyone that i knew growing up because i always felt like i didnt want to end up like them but i realized that im pushing myself away from them so im really making myself feel alone. So ive slowly been going thru working myself out of that as well.

 

I still have trouble finding people that i can relate to in my personal life because even just lately i tried to get along better with my coworker but he was being really messed up to me so he was taking stuff out on me. I feel like im trying to do things instead of letting them happen but all i see is all the bad things that have already happened to me. I used to believe that things were actually going good for me so it really threw me off to see things for what they really are. I still have alot of problems because i get attached really fast and with my loneliness and bad examples in life that i always seem to be caught up in the wrong crowd. I know the people that im around arent all bad its just in so many ways i dont seem to belong around them. They have also felt that way. My friends used to think that i would always leave them. My mom's family thinks that i dont like being around them. My dad's family seems to feel like ill be really successful so it almost makes them feel like they arent good enough around me sometimes. I feel like all of those things i did things to kinda make them feel that way when i was younger but ive been trying to work around that. I guess i should realize the same time im trying to work out my past issues with them ive been struggling with my own past issues with them. I guess this has been mostly alot of me venting and i guess next time ill probably really talk about my really dark secrets which is kinda crazy because i have even more.

[mr me]

I was also gonna answer your question. My ex is 20 i think and im 23. I guess if anyone might think if maybe things might work out later on somehow but i dont really want that because shes been really messed up to me. I feel like i can never get over all the stuff that shes done to me and eventho i wanted to be with her later on, im trying to get myself not to think like that. I guess i cant control who i end up with but it is still kinda crazy to think like that and if i can somehow control my future with what i am working towards in life then i wouldnt want that to happen. Its just in reality thats not how it works so i dont really know.

[ClementineK]

Wowza. My family is pretty messed up too. My advice to that would be to get away from them!!! I ran away at 17 'cause I couldn't deal with it anymore. I can't stand the fighting, the family secrets, we all know Uncle Jim is crazy but we ain't gonna do nothin' 'bout it. It's too much. You are your own person. Go out and be who you want to be NOT who your family wants you to be. And you may make mistakes but it's okay you learn from 'em. My mom was so livid when I left. I managed to finish HS on my own and go into college. I broke up with my bf whom I lived with, met new people, fell in love again, and lost it again. Life is rough but you just gotta keep goin' 'cause it will get better.

 

20yo and a 23yo, eh? That's not much of an age gap but I still think difficulty may arrise in it. At 20yo, I think you are still scopin' the field, learning about yourself, etc. At 23, I think you prolly know what you want and want to settle down. At different ages your maturity levels are gonna be different. I find that I mesh best with people who are very close to the same age as me. But this is just my personal hypothesis.

 

I would try not to hold a grudge against her. Just forget her. She's moved on. So should you. It may take time but you'll get there. And of course you decide who you want to be with! My goodness, I mean, if you believe in fate or destiny you don't. I don't mean to insult your beliefs, if that is what you believe, but I think you do choose who you be with and are in love with in the end. You can't help who you are naturally attracted to but that doesn't mean they are the one.

 

I'm not a do-it-yourself type of gal. I need help from others. I dunno why. It just works best for me. I do try to do the things I tell others. I'm human but I do try my best to pracitce what I preach. I think for the most part I do an okay job. And as I said before, I do need help. That's why I made an account here, that's why I have a counselor, that's why I talk to people like you! Sometimes talking about other people's problems helps me reflect on my own. And I agree, going through crazy shaz makes you sympathize with other's problems 'cause you've already been there done that.

 

You mentioned something about getting a new job. I think you should totally go for it. Getting a new job is a GREAT way to boost your ego, confidence, morale, everything! It's really amazing how landing a great job can make you feel. I got a really good job about a year and a half ago and my friends said I looked and acted completely different after I got it. It's true. I was really proud of myself for getting the job. However, job searching is one of the most depressing things I ever do. I always get so depressed when possible employers give me the run around. BUT when you do get hired you will feel sooo good!

 

Good luck!

[mr me]

Well thanks again. I think alot of what you said is true and have felt like that before. Im just trying to kinda get back to that. Its kinda crazy because i feel like such a different person and im starting to see that my life has so many problems its like a vicious circle life in a way because one thing can bring something else down.

 

I feel like i want to heal but i can see just how bad im hurt its really scary. I dont really know how else to describe it. I guess i said i was gonna talk more about myself. I guess ill start off with how when i was with my ex i wanted to make the world a better place for my children because i just didnt want my children to grow up in a world like this. I basically would look for anything i could see wrong in the world and try to find reasonable ways to fix it. It went from conspiracy theories, corrupt policies, modern day slavery, child sex trade, and basically it seemed like how i thought i was trying to be perfect that if everyone else would try to be as well we would have a perfect world. I dont really know how depressed i got because of this but i feel like it had something to do with it. I spent all of my time trying to work out things like that and and finding ways to help my ex girlfriend out. She was abused and had alot of crazy stories. I was i guess really fanatical and obsessed with trying to make all the problems in the world go away. I felt like i was put here for that. This is i guess where i see how much of a crazy person i really sound like lol. I felt like me and my ex could make the world a better place because of how we seemed to be so perfect. I guess my idea of what perfect was. I guess to me it was like I would have been like the new Jesus of this new millennium.

 

I also remember me wanting to be the greatest psychologist ever so i would also spend alot of my time looking at my problems and everyone elses and try to find ways to help them or prevent them. I dont really feel like you can prevent things from happening the way they are supposed to be but i would always see it like i could possible try to. I feel like i always thought of doing the impossible and in a way it was my way of tryin to make myself feel better like i could do stuff that no one else could. I also remember me wanting to always try to be like my ex because now i see that i felt like she wouldnt abandon me or we would be so perfect that it would work out. I also would try to give myself the same type of problems she had so its like i never cared about how she was with me because i just always wanted to help her. So i really felt like she could have made me go crazy and i wouldnt have minded. I might have actually liked it because i felt like i could try to work myself out of it and then try to help other people. I also remember me thinking my ex and I were like Romeo and Juliet. Its like we werent able to be with each other because of outside forces. I felt like if i died she would try to kill herself as well. I remember us being obsessed with each other and we didnt think it was bad so it developed really bad. I remember when she broke up with me that i felt like if i killed myself she would and that kinda made me feel good. Also for the 1st month that she broke up with me because of how she was like a completely different person i was so devasted like i couldnt trust anything or thinking anything was really what it was. The only thing i felt like i knew what it really was, my ex and our relationship, totally just changed and it was so bad. I know it kinda shows its sign over time but i would have never been able to deal with it being over. Im still struggling with it.

 

I kinda think thats all i can think of. I guess the only other thing i can think of is that this whole time i was wishing i would see a video of my ex on the internet having sex. I knew i would probably be somewhat traumatized because it was her and she was with the guy she broke up with me over. Its still kinda weird because she said she should of been with me but she doesnt want me back but if anyone knows abused people they seem to have different personalities. I just dont think i could of let go. I guess in a weird way me letting this out has helped me in a way. I feel like most people think im really delusional and maybe should have been locked up somewhere. I kinda am amazed myself how i was able to maintain any type of life with all of this going on. I also couldnt talk about this because of how i felt like. Its just i guess if i didnt let this out now it would have really made me lose it so i actually feel better. I dont know how or if ill be able to respond to anyone because ive had alot of trouble. Its just i dont really feel like a victim anymore.

 

I felt like i was trying to make my life go along with my ex's so we would get back together but thats not how it works. Its weird because i kinda realized what i want to do if im able to and thats help obsessed people. I dont know if their is any psychological fields that specialize in that but after everything i just went thru i feel like maybe i could do something like that. I am actually focusing on my life now and kinda trying to slow myself down. I feel like i cant do anything about how or when i heal so i just need to let it happen and just do what i can for myself now.

 

I dont know if anyone else could relate to my story but i guess at least if anyone could i wrote this. I would usually not write how i really felt like because i couldnt deal with people saying negative things. Its just now im kinda able to cope with it so i almost feel like a different person because of this. I guess if i could help anyone else out even if its because they dont feel so bad because of my problems i guess that is fine with me. I guess if anyone else has stuff that they dont feel like they could talk about just try to be ok with that and one day if you let it happen you might be able to talk about it as well and see the difference of letting it out. I still kinda dont know who could really deal with my past but i feel alot better so i guess hopefully there is someone but i guess ill have to wait and see when that happens.

[mr me]

I actually wanted to stop because i was getting really depressed because i felt like people would abandon me because of my issues. So i became really ashamed of them. I was almost suicidal but i somehow am getting a hang on that. I also started to remember even more stuff after awhile. Im gonna keep going because i keep everything inside and it seems like the only time i change is when im not able to do the same things anymore because of how stubborn i am. I also somehow was able to cope alittle bit better so im learning how to not be so ashamed of myself. I also would rather say all of this now and learn to cope with it then say it to someone i know and not really know how they would react to it.

 

I always thought i would be a celebrity because those were the type of people i would have the most in common with. My family or at least most of the women in my family are into that whole wanting to be famous thing but i dont think anyone of them would do anything for it because of how insecure they are. I guess saying that i wanted to be famous can also be insecure but im a very big dreamer. I basically would spend alot of my time trying to learn how i could be the biggest celebrity and my real reason was because i thought it was the best way i could to help the world. I was really obsessed with that because of how depressed i already was and how i got really depressed once i had to deal with the stuff i went thru with my ex. I always thought we would be like one of those celebrity couples. I wanted to be the biggest star in the world and felt like i could be. Its just once things started not working out for me i was really bitter. I felt like people didnt know what they were talking about. I feel like i developed a God complex like i knew how things were supposed to be. So if they werent the way i thought they would be i wouldnt like it. I still carry alot of those same bitter feelings and its hard because of all the stuff im going thru.

 

I feel like you can talk about stuff forever but if you cant do anything to improve your living situations you could be stuck feeling the same way forever. Im just starting to feel like i can do things im just trying to do them slow. I guess one of the biggest things is that i cant really deal with my broken heart so its like pushed aside. All i can think about is how i wished this didnt happen or how i i couldnt believe that this happened. I know thats not gonna make me get thru this but as you see i have alot im trying to work on. I know my ex and I werent going to be with each other and she did alot of stuff that ill never be able to get over but im still really hurt and have so much stuff going on so i guess now i can see it better but i still fear alot that im not gonna find anyone that wants to be with who i really am eventho im taking the advice that their is someone for everyone. Its just i thought i knew who that person was going to be and now i dont and its not been easy to deal with that.