mr me Posted July 25, 2008 Share Posted July 25, 2008 I guess im just writing this because we all have them. Its just for me i dont feel like you tell them to anyone but the people your closest to. Well i dont have anyone like that so basically i just go online and talk to perfect strangers. Im in a crisis right now and its been bugging me out for so long. I almost felt like i was losing it a couple of times. Im a creative person so i like to express myself but i havent been able to. I also realized that even though ive been writing alot that i havent really been able to let things go. I see that has had to do alot with my past relationship and not being able to let go and that meant in all ways i havent been able to let go. I guess im kinda stalling lol. I seem to be really open but im not at all. I even have trouble answering people when they ask me things because i constantly worry what they will think. I also have paranoia with people abandoning me and also am at a really crazy anxiety stage in my life. They saw your early 20's is when you feel it the most. Its just crazy because thats also one of the hardest times in your life when your having to deal with adjusting to reality. I seem to have this good guy image that i continue to hide behind because really deep down i probably hate what i really am. I see myself being just like the family and people i have grown up around and those are the people that ive had troubles with even standing being around them. I grew up in almost my own world which introverts if they spend too much time can develop. Basically since i was alittle kid i never talked to anyone about anything. My defense mechanism was my pride and thinking i was better than everyone else and it made me feel good to hold all of that in. So now im really down and having all of my past haunting me as well as struggling with dealing with my present. Ive basically have been trying to hold back wanting to kill myself ever since my relationships with my 1st two ex's ended. Thats when my bubble really shattered and its still hard because i cant seem to accept the way i was growing up. Its just that it wont just go away. Alot of the time i blame myself for things that have nothing to do with me. Its just i seem to try to protect myself from having to deal with the abandonment of having all the people i have ever been close leave me or things not work out. I basically had the thought stuck in my head that God was trying to kill me by putting me thru so much stuff that i wasnt able to handle. All i see around me is all my problems and i dont know besides me not completely losing it what i see that has been good these past months. Its been close to 23 years of pain and the last 2 years of hell. I almost dont allow myself to feel like my life is bad because i cant bear the thought of anyone else being messed up to me because of how my life is. I guess thats an indirect way of me feeling like i deserve what ive had to go thru. I dont know if i always felt that way or just having all of this happen to me made me feel that way or i guess both. Ive tried to not let this out but its been tearing me apart till now i can talk about some of this and not completely feel like crap if anyone decides to say something messed up. I feel like i stop myself from doing things that might be good to me because of how i dont know how the people that are around me will act. I can see alot of jealousy from people mainly because of how i am and how im also decent looking. Its like some people just want something to be bad about you so they dont have to feel like they are inferior. I guess most people will say well those people are that way and dont let it get to you or something like that. Its just to me i also feel like that as well so i have this internal battle with both of those sides and i dont really know who i am anymore. I used to feel like i was a good all around person but ive seen what life can do to a person and my youth and being naive about it all was what kept me going. Now im at my rock bottom and dont really know whats what anymore. I really just dont know whats possible anymore in my life knowing all the craziness in my life. So its like even when i try to do better i can barely handle my problems. I guess ill probably write more about this another time because i write alot so idk how many people would really read everything. Link to comment
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